Fat Hobbitses

Greetings from the Shire!

I’m finding it hard to focus at the moment, pieces of bakewell tart, pasties and strange looking stews keep swimming past my vision. I am full. I am possibly beyond full. And me saying that means I really am full – not even room for a wafer thin mint. I am also incredibly sleepy as my digestive system fights to work the lard and pastry through my system while I try and talk to people in meetings. It’s not easy working with a Lord of the Rings obsessed colleague.

So far we have done courses 1, 2 and 3 of the Long Expected Party and course 3 was a 3 course lunch so I guess that makes 6 technically. I have just been given course number 4 (7) which is a slab of St Clements Cake and as nice as it looks and smells I just can’t bring myself to eat any more. Might have to wrap it up and take it home, I couldn’t bin it as that would be a crying shame and a bit of an insult. Plus the majority of course 2 is currently sat in my waste bin (hidden under my desk….I hope she doesn’t do an inspection later!) so I feel bad enough about that already.

This morning at 9.30am we all received an email with an attached menu of the day:


Dear All,

Wednesday, 22nd September is the anniversary of Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday. There is a tradition among Tolkien fans to hold a day of celebration when we eat like Hobbits.

The day’s menu is attached, and Second Breakfast will be served shortly.

Eglantine Proudfoot of Brocklehurst


If you’re wondering Eglantine is Andre. Obviousily.

Second Breakfast consisted of pancakes. I remember these from last year and I wasn’t impressed. You’re probably thinking either large traditional Shrove Tuesday pancakes or possibly those fluffy thick ones you get in the U S of A for breakfast? Nope. Think small, solid and quite black all over. Served with a slab of butter. I’m not over exaggerating about the butter either, Andre said she went through 6 bars of the stuff cooking up this feast! Even thinking about it makes my arteries groan. So the pancakes weren’t any better but the slab of butter made them more agreeable.

Next up on the menu at about 11am was Elevenses in the form of “Precious Cake” and I quote “Still ounce for ounce more expensive than gold, this traditional cake is flavoured with Saffron”. Not a winner for me, I won’t be fighting off any hobbits or turning into a whispering goblin creature to get my hands on another slice. In fact I had to dispose of it after one bite. Not in front of Andre of course! “Mmmm, yes it’s lovely Andre!”……as soon as her back is turned spits mouthful into napkin.

I was of course invited to the lunch and I bought bread rolls as my addition to the feast (only 2 got eaten, they were a bit superfluous to requirements but I was only doing what was asked). Luckily it’s not pissing it down out there so we managed to find a Party Tree at lunch time and chow down.

See how easily I accept all this madness now? Worrying isn’t it?

We used the same spot as last year (chosen by Kirstie and I as it is the most secluded in the business park and off the beaten track) and the table cloth was laid, the food put out, wine poured and tunes blasting. Oh yes, we have the LoTR soundtrack to listen to while we eat – Andre sang along to some of it which was nice. Socks and shoes have to come off which is mandatory and all fine and dandy until you’re sat on a picnic rug full of food with people’s toes wriggling in very close proximity to the salad.

Lunch was the following:

Great Pasty – Pasties were amongst the provisions given to Sam and Frodo by Faramir. “Great” pies were made from the same meats as were served at a traditional Christmas feast. (It was pretty ‘great’, tasty pastry and nice filling.)

Herbs and Stewed Rabbit – Gollum caught two rabbits for the Hobbits to eat, which Sam cooked with herbs. This is an Anglo-Saxon recipe of a kind similar to the Rohirrim. (Not bad, had lentils in it and was a bit bland but hey hobbits can’t be fussy when free food is being handed out.)

Mushrooms – However unadventurous they account themselves, most Hobbits will run risks for their favourite foods. (The only mushrooms I came across were in the Rabbit Stew so I assume this is what she’s referring to.)

Onion Tart (no explanation for this but it was in fact the most tasty part of the main meal, I had seconds on this one – in hindsight possibly a mistake).

Bakewell Tart – from a traditional recipe by guest chef Caylith Singollo (also known as Kirstie – it was really good and I’m not normally a fan of a Bakewell but the girl done good. She said she stuck to the recipe that Andre gave her but replaced the lard with butter and this was a good choice. Lard? Who cooks with lard?)

The lunch was accompanied by some New Zealand wine which I quaffed as much as possible of (hard day at the office dear) and some lemonade. Everyone except Andre had wine.

I’ve just been served up with Afternoon Tea which is the St Clements Cake and looks and smells amazing but I am unable to eat any more. That lemon and orange cake SHALL NOT PASS my lips right now. You could hear the trolley coming and my heart sank and my stomached groaned. As I looked up an email from Ginger popped into my inbox titled “Oh S**t!” and said “I can hear that trolley again, Im going to exploded………………” I’m with you sister, I think I’m in physical pain right now.

The final course is for The Road Home and obviously lambas bread. For those of you who aren’t as familiar with Tolkien’s writings this is a hard, hard….hard bread that the hobbits used on their travels. Think shortbread mixed with concrete. I have that to look forward to at 5.30pm.

I think I’d better have a kip, or go for a run and work some of this butter off. Until next years celebrations my hobbit friends.