Things are starting to calm down somewhat in Strangeways and so hopefully I’ll be transmitting on a more regular basis over the next few weeks. What with the meetings, fighting to stay awake in the meetings and the general day to day there has been scant time for doing anything else including filling you in on my many japes and jollies in the glass tower of weird.
Last week was particularly heavy on the meetings; in fact on the Wednesday it was what I would call “meeting-tastic”. One after the other, having to leave one meeting early (well technically on time its just that as we all know meetings do tend to run over as a rule – because of course we all have nothing better to do…) to get to the next and dashing for a loo break in between if time allowed. I’m making it sound like I have suddenly become some high flying whizz PA who has to attend all these very important meetings and say very important things. When the truth of it really is that I get invited along because I am loosely involved/attached some how and then spend most of it wondering what the heck they are all talking about and doodling on my pad (if I bother to take one).
It also appeared that every time I walked into a meeting room last week I also had the overwhelming urge to fall asleep. Partly down to bad timing (that dreaded 2.30-4pm slot where I’m slumping) and partly just down to lack of sleep on my part. I had one meeting with CJ and Tiny on Tuesday at 2.30pm (da da daaaaa!) in the smallest, warmest meeting room known to mankind where we were sat about a foot apart from each other round a small circular table. As soon as I sat down I knew it was going to be hard work but I was also confident in the thought it would be a quick meeting. I couldn’t physically keep my eyes open half the time and kept on pinching my left arm with such ferocity I now have a small bruise. Didn’t work, at one point I nodded off and my head fell off the hand that was supporting it and almost hit the table….I jumped awake and no one said anything but I was definitely clocked doing it, there’s no way I could have gotten away with that!
So with a big 2 hour meeting looming on the Wednesday, which potentially could be the most boring meeting of my full career in fact, I was doing a lot in preparation. While CJ and Replacement were busy printing out the power point presentation and listing questions they would ask I was drinking bucket loads of coffee and stripping off the layers. Keep cold, plenty of caffeine, a pen and pad to distract me, took my mobile in in case I needed further distraction, bottles of water for rehydration and splashing cold water on my face before hand.
All to no avail.
This meeting took place in one of the new swanky meeting rooms on the ground floor – dark mahogany everywhere, blinds closed, and a large rectangular table so everyone can see each other. What are you trying to do to me people?! You might as well hand me a camp bed and sleeping bag. The 2 hours ticked by at an alarmingly slow rate:
10.30am: Meeting begins with Luthor holding court; I have managed to sit myself opposite Moon Monkey unintentionally…. Oh and look yes the head of IT is sitting next to him, hurrah. I’m flanked by CJ and Replacement, both with pen and pads poised and at the ready. CJ has the PPP printed out so I have a quick flick through….. I will probably understand what they are talking about on page…3 and that’s it. How many pages to this? 15? I’m sorry – 15 slides? JTFC.
10.35am: Some confusion over the slides and how to work the overhead projector – yes even with 5 members of the IT department in the room.
10.40am: And we’re off! Oh god, there’s an American in the room…marvellous.
10.50am: Luthor is in full swing but Moon Monkey is intent on questioning every remark he makes, this could get tedious.
10.53am: I’m starting to feel sleepy – already?! Are you serious? Right, time to put plan A into action, commence with vigorous water drinking and arm pinching immediately.
10.58am: It doesn’t seem to be working, shit we’re only half an hour into the meeting, what am I going to do? Eyes closing…..must fight it…..fuck, I think someone just said my name? Oh god they did, they’re asking me a question, what was it?! Stay cool
11.10am: Replacement seems to be scribbling notes on her pad at an alarming rate, perhaps she’s taking the minutes. Perhaps she’s just hoping that if she writes this all down it might have some semblance of meaning later?
11.14am: Still chugging down the water and pinching my arm, I find if I fidget every 30 seconds this helps but I think it is starting to irritate CJ and draw unwanted attention from MM….
11.18am: 1st bottle of water has been drunk, moving on to the second.
11.25am: CJ is off on one so they are all looking in this direction, must look awake, must not look bored, lots of important people in the room…oh chirst she’s using the quotation marks with abundance again…I really want to break her fingers.
11.40am: MM has some interesting anecdotes for this meeting, I think he might just be trying to piss off Luthor (and I’m all for that). Apparently the NHS order in gloves from over 2,500 different companies and in
11.43am: 2nd bottle of water is half way. Damn now I need the toilet, in my fight against the lethargy I have managed to add another nemesis in the shape of my bladder to the meeting battle zone! Curses.
11.45am: The American just actually used the phrase “Cowboy land” – I wonder if he was talking about his home town?
11.59am: Finally starting to wake up a bit now, the tiredness has lifted and I can stop focusing on keeping my eye lids open.
12:04pm: Now I can actually listen to some of what is being said….not that I really understand much of it. Apparently the IT spend over the next 3 years is close to $300m though – oh is that all?... What are you doing people? Buying diamond encrusted keyboards?!
12:15pm: My bladder is very full, I have a child’s bladder as it is and this is not going to last. A trip to the toilet will be needed shortly. Don’t want to look like a twat sneaking out though so will try and hold it.
12.25pm: Losing the will to live now, this meeting is beyond boring and none of these people will SHUT UP and let Luthor get on with his slides. We’re only on slide 7. Someone help me, set off the fire alarm, run in with some alarming news that breaks this cack up – maybe I could fake a heart attack?
12.27pm: The lights in the room just went out. Well at least that’s mildly interesting. Its one of those energy saving things where if it doesn’t detect movement it turns off. Everyone sits waving their arms about like some YMCA routine and eventually they come back on again.
12.32pm: OK so the meeting should have finished by now, why are people still talking? And only on slide 12 – ugh. Its no good my bladder is about to explode in some messy fashion all over this mahogany I need to make a run for it. I excuse myself and pelt it to the ladies.
12:33pm: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..
12:36pm: I sneak back into the room. They’re still going and slide 12 is still up.
12:38pm: Uh oh, the 2nd wave of sleepiness is upon me. Bam, there go the eye lids and I’m finding it hard to hold my pen and pretend to write…Water…no hang on we learnt our lesson last time with that – ok arm pinching it is then.
12:50pm: We have now been on slide 12 for 25 minutes, ok we get it, it’s a pretty slide with lots of words and colours and arrows and even some keys now move it on!
12:51pm: Lights have gone off again, more frantic waving. We must look like some bunch of crazies.
12:56pm: I have another meeting at 1pm, I am really going to have to go. Possibly via the toilet again (damn you child’s bladder!) and even around the pond once to try and wake up. Hurry up people.
12:59pm: Slide 12 is still on the board, feck this I’m off.
Luckily the 1pm meeting only lasts 20 minutes and it’s in a nice shiny bright, cold room with lots of non-important people saying lots of far more interesting and non-important things. When I get back to my desk they are only just returning from the 15 slide meeting and I bump into Replacement on the way.
“So how much longer did it go on for?”
“Oh about another 20 minutes? What did you think of it?”
“Possibly one of the most boring meetings I have attended in this company.”
OK so I didn’t say that….
“Yeah it was ok, a lot of it goes over my head but I suppose it’s good to get an overview…blah blah blah….You?”
“Yeah it was good, I especially thought….”
“ANYWAY I have to get going to er, another meeting……yeah”
With the toilet.
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