You have 15 seconds to comply

And so the preparation for the move continues…..

I have stickers, we have floor plans, there are many, many men in reflective vests wandering around the place with crates and packing boxes and the biggest roll of bubble wrap I ever saw. I suggested we roll Ms Rigsby up in it and chuck her off the fire escape to see if it protected her fall, she seems game for it so we just need to find an opportunity to steal it from the reflective vests.

In the new building I am sat by a window (score) which over looks this building (not so much of a score) and my desk doesn’t join up to anyone else’s. At the moment I have a ‘spare’ desk opposite me which they are going to put Ms Rigsby at while she continues her temping duties so that’s fine by me an all. All looking good so far.

Kirstie has been put in charge of drawing up the seating plan but not for deciding who sits where, now this plan is available for public screening you wouldn’t believe the squabbles and toy throwing that has been going on. First Harley is demanding a window seat and Kirstie has to put in a request to get him swapped because he’s really stomping his foot about it – which got declined (tee hee). Then the Wee Scottish Man is moaning about who he’s sat next to (not that I can blame him, it’s not the best company), then Andre is claiming she has to sit near a window for medical reasons “because its warmer” – really in a sealed glass box with air con in a country where the sun shines for only 20% of the year?

Poor Kirstie has had it in the ear from everyone so she’s washed her hands of it, stuck it up on the wall and pointed all complaints in the direction of Moon Monkey.

There has also been umpteen emails flying about from the new building team about everything they have spent all that money on and how it is all going to work. It’s like they think we don’t know how to work in an office, use a toilet or order a coffee.

A very odd one today though about our new passes.

Ages back we had to get our photo taken for the new building passes, mine I managed to glimpse on the screen afterwards and is fucking awful. Half my face is shadow and my hair looks terrible (taken the day before my hair appointment, always the way). We all thought this was just so they could all be programmed for the new doors – new building new doors right? Well not just doors it turns out and not just passes. This is what we were told today:

“On the first day in the new building, you will collect a new security badge which will need to be clearly displayed at all times, either on a belt clip or lanyard.

With this badge, you will have to swipe every time you pass through any of the controlled doors and in the lifts. This is important as all controlled doors have cameras with face recognition capability that will flag up an alert to Security if someone doesn’t swipe or uses a different card.”

Face recognition capability?? I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was working for MI5 – should I destroy this blog after reading?

I’m concerned because my crap photo might mean it doesn’t recognise me – will I have to always walk around with a bad hair do and shadowy face?? And what if it doesn’t? Alarm bells, flashing lights, a trap door?? All a bit worrying really. What’s next? Finger print scanning and voice recognition? Really.

Well we’re due a fire drill any moment now (I know, 4.30pm on a Friday – I tell you I’m not coming back to the office!) so I’ll sign off. Happy weekends people.

Movin’ on up

I am choosing to have a pause in my working day. I’ve worked my arse off since 8.30am and I think it’s about time I kicked back, had some chocolate cake that had so conveniently been left in the small kitchen with a small pot of cream. Well why not.

I’m also keeping one eye out for Harley as I want him to sign 4 things for me and he seems to have a tendency to be able to disappear when you need him most at the moment. Yesterday he was incredibly illusive and by then time he was pinned down in his chair at his desk, Andre had 19 documents for him to look at, I had 5 and

Ms Rigsby had 12. See Harley, avoidance gets you now

here, we are resourceful ladies and we will hunt you down and make you pay. Or sign. Yes probably we will make you sign not pay.

So, the exciting world I live in for 9 hours a day is not that exciting at the moment. Apart from cake the week has been pretty uneventful. We do however have the upcoming office move to look forward to! The day will soon arrive where we will cross over the threshold of something looking like the Ugly Betty ‘Mode’ offices and into our sleeker, cleaner, classier abode. The photo’s on the intranet are showing the building progress and it looks to be going well, all things on track? Care to lay a bet on if the phones will be working on day 1, if

my computer is at the right desk or anyone can access the toilets?

Things I am looking forward to about the new building:

- The fact I get a window seat (OK so I’ll just be looking out at the building next to us but at least I might get a bit more vitamin B)

- The ‘break-out’ area for our department which has 2 sofas – hello nap time!

- The new canteen that will be on the ground floor serving bacon rolls for breakfast…mmmmm bacon

- Vending machines! No longer will I need to take a 15 minute round trip for a packet of crisps of chokey cola!

- Private showers, potentially less manky than the ones we use with the rest of the companies right now

- That I can pretend I work for M

ode Magazine

It’s looking seriously swanky (or wanky?) see:

That’s the kitchen….sorry ‘break-out area’. I don’t know why they call it that, I’ve looked for escape routes in the ones here and there aren’t any. I’ll probably still end up having my lunch at my desk anyway. I hope they have more than 2 microwaves and employ the use of normal bins you don’t have to make some strange hand gesture over to open.

Oh yes and the very best thing about this office

move? I almost forgot – how could I?! We get 2 whole days off paid while they do it!! We’re closed for business from 5pm next Wednesday until the following Monday morning, result! And that Monday won’t be as bad as others as I’m sure I will spend the majority of my first day arranging my photo’s on my desk, making sure all my post-it notes are in order and trying to find my computer. It’s not nearly as stressful as the last time I moved. But then that was me, my mate a hired transit van, many stairs and 32 degrees of heat.

Absence

Hello! Remember me? Names Nancy, games blogging about weirdo’s. Jog your memory? Building of Hobbit lovers, mumbling crazies and people eating with their mouth open?

A combination of annual leave, illness and the pile of 17 (yes count them) requisitions currently sitting on my desk has kept me away from any serious and important issues such as this blog. It’s a combination of excuses and they may not do to quell the vacant space in your day where you kick back with a mug of tea or a muffin and log on to read of my misfortune, japes and triumphs but frankly it’ll just have to.

And it’ll just have to for one day longer as those 17 contracts (I know – 17!!) aren’t going to write themselves unfortunately. I also have a very panicky and hyperventilating CJ on my hands who seems to be slowly losing the plot….well even more so than normal…and I think I spied a little voodoo doll of Moody on her desk the other day. I’ll use the requisitions to fan her and calm her down. Or maybe knock her out with them. Whichever is more effective.

Promise to try and write this week. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye.

And there’s more…

Found out some more details on Holiday-gate from Kirstie…

Turns out that they don’t know what happened to hubby-dearest, they are only assuming his injuries came from falling down some stairs as he was on his own at the time and he can’t remember a thing. Last thing he remembers was having a few beers at dinner and then the next thing he’s waking up the next day with a very pissed off Kirstie standing next to him, arms folded, foot tapping and saying “What the fuck did you do? Everyone hates you!”

From listening to the details we have between us come to the assumption it was some kind of drugging via his drink. He was swearing and picking fights with her family (Kirstie saw none of this as she was out with her Mum and sister that night), told his father in law to “suck his balls”, threw stuff around and then disappeared. Came back to the hotel later covered in blood with aforementioned injuries and then wandered up and down the hotel punching walls. Kirstie came home and found a bathroom covered in blood and a smashed painting and went into her Mum’s room where she heard what had happened. She found hubby in the spa/pool area being accosted by security. He then came back upstairs and wouldn’t go to bed and was shouting and swearing and pacing about and then got into bed and threw up on the floor 3 times. Woke up the next day with no clue at all.

Potentially one of the worst holiday nights from hell I have heard first hand from someone.

I also got out of her how she was the one who had it all kick off and lead to her sister not talking to her….

So most of the family were in quite a big mood with hubby for his evenings escapades even though he apologised profusely and Kirstie stuck up for him claiming he never acts like that – which apparently he doesn’t. So Kirstie goes into speak to her brother about what arseholes they are all being and not knowing that her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown and has serious mental problems (Mum thought it best not to worry people), lets slip that their sisters husband cheated on her sis last year. Brother in his “I’m a mental person now” state of mind threatens to “stab him on the boat tomorrow” and starts kicking off. After 2 hours of Kirstie and hubby talking him down and making him promise not to say anything they go to bed. 20 minutes later her sister comes crashing into the room shouting “I can’t believe you told him!” Hmmm, don’t think he kept that promise….

Brother gets on plane and goes back home and has not been heard from since.

Meanwhile sister’s cheating hubby is not speaking to Kirstie and her hubs “ever again!” and warns his kids off them too. So now everyone hates everyone and their crazy brother is missing and hubs is in hospital with seeping wounds.

Since they got back Kirstie has made it up with her sister a bit but the other half is still refusing to talk to her (no loss it seems) but they still don’t know where her brother has gone.

So if you think you have had the odd family holiday trauma, think again people – I’m putting this one forward for the next series of “Holidays from Hell”!

Back to work for a relaxing break

Kirstie is back!! Yay! Finally some life back in the office and someone to talk to and avoid work with! She’s been in Thailand for 2 weeks with her family so I haven’t seen her since before Christmas. It’s been so quiet in the office (actually a lot of people commented on that in relation to her absence…) and I’ve missed her and the banter, lewd comments, big unexpected belches and gawping at her extravagant on-line purchases. The latter part will all change now though as she has come over to the dark side, otherwise known as….staff. This has included a bit of a pay cut so she’s been griping about that already. I’m going to have to teach her how to budget and manage on a week’s worth of lunches for £3.40.

Whilst Kirstie has been on sunnier shores (and they were, I’ve seen the tan lines and her peeling breasts – don’t ask) I have been a mini-replacement Kirstie and asked a multitude of questions and queries, 78% of which I couldn’t answer. So in truth I’ve been a bit of a shit replacement, but I tried my best. I booked taxis, parking spaces and rooms and chased Moon Monkey into meetings. She has been missed by many and finally the Moon Man knows where he’s meant to be and when.

Her holiday by all accounts doesn’t sound like the best on record. Kirstie was meant to be back in work yesterday originally but she called me in the morning to say she wouldn’t be making it in due to the injuries her husband sustained on holiday.

“Were they drinking related injuries?”

“Sigh. Yes they were. And he’s very badly sunburnt – I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. ”

Oh dear.

I was regaled with the full story this morning. Kirstie’s hubby managed to hurl himself down a flight of steps in a drunken stupor on the 2^nd night out of a 2 week holiday. They took him to hospital where he discovered he had broken his arm up near the elbow. He’d also smashed his face up and had 2 massive gouges taken out of his legs (by the stairs not by the hospital…) Good start to the holiday. Then in the second week they both managed to burn themselves on a day that was overcast and they didn’t put on any sunscreen. Slow hand clap for the Australian and lack of sun tan lotion application. Then the day after that they went on a boat trip and hubby decided to do the same again with no top on.

So yesterday for Kirstie was spent in A&E with a doctor raising his eyebrows as he prescribed some pain killers and saying “you do know there is stuff you can buy to prevent sun burn don’t you?” Got to love that medical humour. Also turns out he has celulitis (spelling?!?) which is the infection of the scars on his legs.

Today hubby was left at home with a scarred face, broken arm, blistering 1^st degree burns and pussing legs. And who says holidays aren’t good for you?

As well as the physical injuries sustained there was also some falling out amongst the family. Kirstie’s brother had a mental breakdown and had to be sent home half way through the holiday and then something else happened (she hasn’t elaborated on what as yet) which meant that her sister stopped talking to her on the 2^nd day of the holiday and is still not talking to her.

“Well at least your Mum enjoyed herself right?”

Nope, Ma was too stressed and worried about the son and the son in law crippling himself after one too many beers and the squabbling sisters.

“Ah….”

In Kirstie’s words it was in some parts an amazing holiday (oh I forgot to mention there were a lot of very cool things they did too and the sister bashing meant that her and hubby actually got to go off and do what they wanted to) and some parts a horrendous holiday from hell. She looks far from relaxed, put it that way. And she actually is glad to be back in this place which is also very worrying. Perhaps that’s what coming over to the dark side does to you?

Paper trails, trials and tribulations

So Moody has departed our rainy shores for probably just as rainy ones in NZ. And in his wake he has left a nice pile of chaos for poor old CJ. I didn’t realise how bad this actually was until our weekly meeting with Tiny from IS yesterday when she turned up with a pile of papers bigger than Tiny. We joked as we entered the meeting room that they were all of the contracts she was bringing in to discuss……oh they really are? Oh dear.

After a 2 hour hand over meeting on Friday poor old CJ (and you won’t hear me say that very often and I’ve already said it twice in this blog so you understand the extremity of the situation) was left with a trail of papers, emails and unfinished contracts that could take her quite a time to sort out. She may actually have to come into the office for a full week! Shocking! Moody has failed to file any emails, they all still sit in his in-box, he hasn’t even filed them in Outlook. I’m talking about a substantial amount of emails as well, verging on the thousands. It’s ok though because he’s printed them all off so you can spend your time trawling through the remains of the rainforest for that one key contact.

We begin our meeting which normally consists of Tiny running through all the outstanding contracts. Today her tone seems rather more agitated than usual and I get the impression she’s using the absence of Moody to vent a bit. It’s understandable though as the first on her list was 15 months over due. Ahem. The second….12 months with 5 outstanding orders against it. Right, er what exactly was Moody doing with his time? CJ jumped in to defend the Kiwi by saying that in the handover meeting he had sighed a lot and muttered “this is very embarrassing…I really should have done these by now” You think? I mean I know we can be lax about the deadlines round here but you’re pushing a year and a half on this one mate.

You can imagine what this kind of pressure has done to CJ, the sighing and head holding has increased ten fold and there was an exorbitant amount of speech marks gesturing going on. To the point that sometimes she’d go to do it and stop herself because even she realised it wasn’t necessary. Stress levels on the increase and rising…watch this space for news of explosions.

I discovered that we have a Moody replacement starting on the 14^th of February, a female replacement in fact, which wasn’t expected in this male dominated environment. Tiny has the new starter forms for her and CJ had had to go to HR to ask about it. One of the guys who sits behind her was on the interview panel so she asked him and he was very vague about it all. So what background does she have? Er I dunno…. But you interviewed her!? Why is it like the flippin’ secret service round here when it comes to new staff? The first thing we hear about it is when Harley walks up to introduce them in person to you and you’re shaking their hand. I’m intrigued to see how CJ handles a new lady on her domain (careful), I don’t think she’ll like it, I think there may be claws and handbags and some peeing on the furniture going on. Oh I do look forward to that. At the moment she’s lucky to have placid old Moody who lets her obnoxious comments and bare faced rudeness go over his head but I’m not sure a woman would let it slide. Well I hope she doesn't.

A flustered and stressed CJ emerged from the meeting room 40 minutes later with a list of priorities that have suddenly become hers. She disappeared for the afternoon and I haven’t seen her since. Maybe her car broke down. Or she broke down in her car?

Old habits die hard

I’m slipping back into old habits….today my day has mainly consisted of planning my work around my social life and other far more pressing items. I think I have spent at least 80% of the day on non-work related matters. Part of this is down to it being a Friday (naturally), partly because I have very little to do and partly because I just can’t be arsed. Here we go again, falling into the abyss of doing jack-shit and watching my brain slide off the table….

Hopefully things will pick up again next week and I’ll get back into the swing of it. It’s Moody’s last day officially today but he’s off to New Zealand for 3 weeks and then coming back for a bit so unofficially it’s not. I have 70 odd quid burning a hole in my desk draw to go out and buy him something nice from the collection we had. No idea what to get him, probably end up being some wine. Ms Rigsby was delegated the collection duties because…ahem…I was busy and she’s also taken it upon herself to bring in a wine guide and some advice from her parents today! Well top marks for enthusiasm. And enthusiasm about wine? I like this girl more and more!

Anyhoo, with Moody out the picture that means I’ll be getting most of the work as CJ will probably be snowed in/working from home – sorry I mean “working form home”/off sick/having car problems/being generally retarded. So it’ll pick up and I’ll pick my ebbing brain back up of the desk and start to use it again.

Actually it’s been quite nice to get back to the doing nothing for a few days – as long as it doesn’t stick around.

Worries me this fervour for work, what is going on? Gunner has gone and got himself a laptop and Blackberry as well – WTF?! I can’t even remember the last time we went to the pub on a Friday – scandalous! Something must be done about this; I will get on to it next week and make it a priority. Perhaps a meeting should be called to discuss the ever increasing practice of work and the ever decreasing drinking at lunch time. I’m sure if I highlighted these issues then Gunner and Ginger and everyone would realise how serious it has become and immediately call an end to the meeting and head down the boozer. Tip top. Yes, I think its for the best.

Right, in the meantime my priorities lie with an enormous dish of lasagne in the Woking area so I must dash. Until Monday….

The “Meeting”

Happy New Year peeps, all the best for 2011 and so on and so forth. How’s it been so far? Mine’s been expensive and work-wise it’s been a bit dull. No New Year shenanigans to report from anyone here - quite tame and low key by all standards and it’s taking some time to hot up again in the office. People are still away, half asleep or not bothering to do any work this week as they struggle to get to terms with being up at 7am again and having to wear something that isn’t their dressing gown or eat 5 meals a day in front of the telly. As you know I was in last week so I’m not suffering from the same symptoms but I will admit to not bothering to do any work. I’ve got little to do but even that has become a chore.

I know I know I’m never happy. I’m too busy and then I’m not busy enough! Actually I am enjoying these few days of peace as the proverbial will hit the fan next week with more shat coming in for us to do. Plus Moody officially leaves on Friday. Unofficially he’s off on holiday and then coming back for 3 weeks to do a handover to CJ and his replacement. By ‘handover’ read throwing it all into a room with a live grenade, shutting the door and walking away. CJ is freaking out to say the least. I hope to be able to sit back and watch the explosions with very little chance of any shrapnel injury.

I had a meeting with CJ and Moody today – it was our weekly catch up with the lady from IS. She’s pretty tiny but she’s also quite strong willed and feisty and I can imagine she gets what she wants all the time. She’s also very nice to boot so I like working with her as she is normal, competent and friendly – a rare combination in this place. She has this amazing skill of speaking at length and very coherently about anything whilst simultaneously creating these mad doodles on her note pad. She is the kind of person who likes to draw as she explains, so people will become boxes or bubbles and then their actions will become arrows or wavy lines, when you look back at it it makes no sense on it’s own but its helped her explanation. It always fascinates me and I must look like a right weirdo staring at her as she sketches the Eiffel Tower whilst chatting about various accounts. Tiny is also good at putting Moody in his place or cutting his rants short which is always welcome in a meeting that is already running over an hour.

Moody seemed quite chilled, probably because he knows he is buggering off soon and he had a kind of half smirk on his face every time he mentioned off loading something on to CJ. This resulted in a lot of sighing and “oh’s” from CJ’s corner – I don’t think she is in the least ready to take on his work and will either flounder or burst into flames when the time comes.

CJ was doing that speech marks thing she does in meetings. Actually she does it all the time, even in every day conversation not about work. I was noting down what words she used them on:

“uniquely”

“contract”

“stand alone”

“consultant”

“size” (when talking about the company)

“out of control”

So CJ you’re saying that it’s not really unique, the contract doesn’t really exist, you’re lying and it’s not stand-alone it’s something else, the consultant is imaginary, the size of our company is – well what the feck are you saying about the size of our company? That makes no sense in that context?! What I do know is that we are out of control though so get rid of those damn speech marks. She also used it when saying a company name – er so that company isn’t real then? We are doing business with them and spending an awful lot of money you know. Stupid cow. I think it’s become some kind of nervous twitch with her, her hands just jut up into the air and out come the fingers. She also dips her head when she does it and pauses slightly before saying the word.

“So this…”contract” has to be signed before….”year end”…”

Yes it does. All of what you have just said is fact so why with the BLOODY SPEECH MARKS?!

Maybe she used to work for the News of the World prior to this job? If we have a birthday card for her go round then I’m going to put in it “Happy Birthday” CJ and see if she comments.

Nothing else of note to report, things continue as normal(ish) and the cleaners still continue to be baffled by my hat Kirstie made me.

That is all.

Belated Christmas wishes and joys

Today I was so bored I actually took the time to look through the vendor database emails. Bear in mind I haven’t even looked at my in-box (careful…) for this for at least a month and have fully given up on prioritising anything to do with it. I’m hoping to palm it off on to Ms Rigsby at some point and mentioned this in my annual review to Harley who wasn’t even sure they would be using it any more. Just as I thought, total waste of time and effort and my brain cells. I’ve half a mind (well part of it is still functioning) to force them to ram it into Crapbags. Maybe I’ll start some kind of protest and sit and cry in the middle of the office until they do. Something to consider.

Anyway, I’ve been clicking through the emails (65% of which are from Mr Isbor shouting at me about some kind of deal….and delete!) and have come across some lovely Christmas greetings from across the globe! How did I miss these wonderful messages?! How rude of me! I feel I should reply in turn to each and every one but unfortunately have missed the boat as far as Crimbo is concerned. Perhaps a New Year greeting? Something else to consider.

Of course I’m going to share some of them with you, it’d be rude not to.

Dear Nancy,

Looking backwards, it was my great pleasure to have known you and your company. (Why am I dead now? And who are you by the way?) We look forward to working you in the New Year!

Christmas time is here. In the season of joy I present my sincere wishes and kind thoughts, wishing you a prosperous 2011. Merry Christmas!

Best Wishes!

Dear Nancy/Gunner,

How are you?

As the Christmas is coming , I'm wishing you peace, joy and happiness through the Christmas and the coming year.

Hope all your Christmas dreams come true!

Sincerely

Dear leader: (looks like I've been promoted!)

Have a nice day!

I am hoping your Christmas is full of joy and sending wishing from me for 2011!!

Just to let you know we are major producing seamless carbon steel pipe, ERW Straight seams steel , spiral pipe, Oil casing and pipe tube ,size:1/2 -24” .it is our advantage on this aspect.when you have a new order,please do not hesitate to contact with me.

I hope can get your information as soon as possiable.

B.Regards in advance.

Dear Nancy Clueless

How are you? wish you fine in this Christmas.

Could you please let us know how our products grab you or your clients? any information are welcome. thanks.

This comes from someone with the email address that shows up in my in box as ‘False’:

Dear Sir:

One thing I'd like to tell you that the company from CN right now hold some offshore materials for looking for the marketing, do you have any resources to find the work load for these?

We hope you have a christmas and good new year!

Best Regards!

Dear Manager,

Nice day!

Are you interested in any items? If so, please tell me. Low price and high quality for you.Welcome to visit our company. If you need, we can send the sample!!

We are looking forward to receiving your reply!

Thanks and many greetings over the season

Nancy Z (another Nancy! I might respond to this one….)

See you in 2011 people! Many greetings and wishes and joy and that all your dreams be coming true!

2 sugars please

If you are one of the unfortunate (few – it seems) to be working in the limbo that is the days falling between Christmas and New Year then I feel for you, I really do. As I am one of these unfortunates and so far it’s been dull, weird and well, dull.

Yesterday there were 2 of us in. Me and Moody and that was it. As you can imagine it was a simply enthralling day full of witty conversation and banter and I was loathed to leave the office as soon as I could. Please note the sarcasm in that last sentence. The sound of my typing was deafening, I had 3 cups of tea simply to pass the time and the toilet breaks that followed the tea drinking (goes straight through me don’t you know) also managed to use up a few minutes in an otherwise tedious day. Plus ironically I had nothing to do. Well technically there were many things I could have been getting on with but none of them important or urgent and so the motivation to do any of them was severely lacking. Thank god for the interweb and FaceAche chat is all I can say. I made it until just before 4pm and then gave up and went home – and only that far because Harley kept on emailing me from home and I had to reply to show I was actually in and I got caught talking to Moody about his daughter’s recent purchase of a shot gun.

This morning I decided to come in a little later and thank christ there were another 7 people in the office. I managed to dwindle the first 20 minutes talking to Gunner about our respective Christmases and everything zipped along until about 10.30am when I realised I had nothing to do again. Back on the web but it was a lot quieter than yesterday so I was left to my own devices. Gunner was only in today for this week, mainly to escape his home for one day of sanity (I know, if you’re looking for that in this place then feck only knows what your house is like!) and planning to make an early exit anyway. He informed me that his brood would be coming into the office later and then heading off to lunch.

By ‘brood’ I mean his good wife (who I met at the Crimbo bash and she’s quite a scary lady with a very firm handshake) and 4 children. All the kids are under the age of 12 and have very Irish names and from his stories sound like a right handful. Well at about 2pm I got to experience the Gunner clan in person. They all came clambering over the desks, hanging off Dad and his chair and asking a million questions.

“Is this your desk?” “Is that your computer?” “Why does that poster say ‘Fuck this I’m going home’?” (erm…) “Do they call you Dad here?”

Have you seen the film Daddy Day Care? Well it was a bit like that. You know in movies when kids go into their parents office and cause chaos by putting their pet frog in the coffee machine or accidentally shredding the bosses best tie – while it’s still attached to the boss? They don’t make that shit up, its from someone’s own personal experiences! They were pushing each other around on the chairs, crashing into things, putting post-it notes over everything, making the water cooler overflow, playing with staplers – it was, well actually it was quite entertaining. I can see why Gunner is tired all the time. Like being in a Starbucks on a Saturday morning.

So they all went off to lunch in one of those big cartoon balls of dust with legs and dolls and racing cars flying about and all again was quiet. Then the Portuguese lady who comes round and clears all the cups and plates and things from people’s desks every afternoon and who doesn’t speak a lot of English showed up. We did our usual ‘hello’ and asked about each others Christmases not really understanding what the other was saying but getting the general gist and all was fine and normal. Then a moment later I get a tap on the shoulder and she is looking very confused. In her hand she is holding an empty coffee mug from Gunner’s desk with a post it note stuck to it saying ‘Daddy’s Mug’. Should she clear it? Did he want to keep it? There was a far more confusing conversation as I tried to explain why it was on there “er his children were here (various hand signals) – writing on the mug…erm…” in the end I just took the post it off and told her not to worry about it. Kids eh?

The childer returned an hour or so later in another whirl wind and more chaos ensued while Gunner tried to finish off his work before he headed home with them. Eventually they were placated with tea and biscuits and one of them even made me a cup of tea. Well trained, I like it. It did make it seem like I was in Starbucks even more though with a hot beverage in my hand. Just need an overpriced muffin and a pram rammed into my right ankle and I’m there!

Warning: Crossbow fire in the localised area

Bah humbug! There is a distinct lack of Christmas cheer round the office today. It’s feckin’ stress city and I can hear phone’s being slammed down, voices raised and cursing left, right and centre. It’s always like this in this department leading up to the festive season, too much to do with that ever approaching deadline. Some people seem to be taking this more to heart than other though. Today it is Andre’s turn and boy when she is angry well…you’d better get out of the line of fire (quite literally when she’s got her crossbow out) and quickly! I’ve been in meetings with her where she’s got a bit irate about something and there has been fist slamming on the desks and the petulant child voice has come out on more than one occasion.

Not sure what her beef is today but she has shouted at a lot of people on the phone and then slammed it down. It’s raised a few eyebrows this side of the desk dividers anyway. Earlier Moody was talking to me about something and I was trying to earwig in on what Andre was screeching about down the blower and had to ask Moody to repeat himself because I blatantly hadn’t been concentrating. Ooops! She’s pissed off about EVERYTHING and possibly edging her way on to Santa’s naughty list.

Andre’s also been complaining about the meal we had last week for the department Crimbo lunch. In fact this week I had to make a complaint to the restaurant because Andre told me she had an ‘attack’ on the way home as they had stuck something she is allergic to in the food. She is allergic to E202 Potassium Sorbate and Soya Lecithin which basically means she turns down anything except her own home (medieval) cooking, KitKats and Walkers plain crisps (which she eats about 10 bags/bars a day of). I’m not sure what this ‘attack’ consisted of – maybe she was attacked by a pack of soya on the tube? Some killer Potassium trying to get her phone off her? I told the restaurant in advance about her allergies but obviously they had over looked something. Anyway I emailed the woman there on Monday and she called me yesterday leaving a message then emailed me asking how ‘he/she’ was.

You see Andre’s real name is a bit ambiguous (like the rest of her) when it comes to gender. Made me snigger anyway.

I rang her back today:

“We’re really sorry if your colleague was ill because of the food at the restaurant, how is er…is it he or she?”

“Well I know it’s hard to tell looking at her… Oh you mean the name?”

I know I am sounding massively unsympathetic but she’s the kind of person who would totally play on this kind of this (Andre I mean, I’m not sure if the lady at the restaurant is actually allergic to anything) and big up these allergies just for a bit more attention. She goes on about them enough. Any birthday’s or celebrations that she hasn’t cooked for and it’s “oh no, sorry I can’t eat that because of the preservatives” – but you can eat those 2 KitKats and 4 packets of crisps sitting on your desk? Riiiiiiiight. A friend of mine pointed out that it would be near impossible for a doctor to figure out something that specific you were allergic to unless you died because of the ‘attack’, normally it’s a shrug and you’re sent home with a pack of antihistamines and an adrenaline pen.

She also said that if Andre didn’t share what the ‘attack’ was, then she would bet a bottle of cheap Californian wine that Andre pooed in her Lord of the Rings robe and hobbit tights on the way home. I’m not sure that was the case but I almost pooed my pants laughing at the idea of it.

So the restaurant are looking into the situation to try and figure out what the heck they fed her had those ingredients (good luck with that). Once they do I’m not sure what they will do with that information but hey at least they are showing some genuine concern (yeah concern we won’t go back next year and spend another couple of grand…).

I have 48 minutes of this cheerless office to endure before I break up for my school holidays. So there will be a break from the blog (not unusual nowadays I know) until the 29^th Dec when I am back and probably the only person in the office. Looking forward to that then!

Wishing you all a Merry Crimbo or whatever it is you celebrate at this time of year and all the best for 2011. I’m sure it will bring us more amusing tales from Office Strangeways if nothing else.

Don’t mind if I do…

The past 2 weeks seem to have been mainly working and drinking and eating all interwoven into each other. This is both a good and bad thing. Good because obviously there is the drinking and the eating and bad because this comes at a time when I should really be doing the working. Luckily now the working bit has died down…but then so has the drinking and eating. Hmmm, didn’t plan that too well did I?

We’ve had company celebrations (non-Christmas ones these) with nibbles and wine and when they ran out of wine (yes we drank them dry) rum and gin and vodka in the afternoon on a Wednesday. I was drunk by 4pm, eating a curry by 7pm, sober by 8.30pm and had a hangover by 9pm. Weird. Then there was the department Xmas lunch which yours truly arranged. Thank goodness it all seemed to go off without a hitch and everyone had a good time, no one punched anyone, fell in a river or went missing. Many pats on the back for Nancy for that one.

Actually it was pretty uneventful but still a lot of fun. We all went by cab and as we arrived ordered some drinks at the bar. Ginger was tucking into a lovely glass of rose champagne when I got there so I ordered the same. Then sit down for the meal, order some wine and chow down. My table consisted of Ms Rigsby, Harley, Ginger and a guy from the other end of the office who at work is a total tosser and out of work actually quite nice which was a good mix. We spent a lot of the evening winding up Ms Rigsby (well it is SO easy to do!) about the waiters and various other members of staff she might fancy around the place. I told her eventually that if she stopped rising to it I’d get bored and stop doing it but she didn’t seem to learn her lesson. I think the fact she was quite smashed after 2 glasses of wine didn’t help matters either and I quite enjoyed, particularly at the end of the evening when she kept putting her head on Harley’s shoulder and going “Oh Harley I’m soooo drunk!” Bless. These young folk don’t know how to hold their drink.

Harley was also on good form and knocking them back. He was also quite keen on ‘getting a round in’ seeing as he wasn’t actually paying for them. Completely ratted by the time I left and he had to get back to the countryside. He did make it, getting an ill-advised kebab along the way.

As I was in charge of booking the place Moon Monkey kept on asking me how the tab was going. My main response tended to be “I have no idea” and I would get a worried glance back. Look mate, I booked the table, you got your turkey what more do you want? Plus if I told him he might cut it off….. Eventually after Harley had got the 59^th round in MM came to the bar and asked me to close the tab which I did. I was bought the bill by a very nice and polite waiter and then after a quick glance gave it to the Moon Man and ran away.

£2,500 (including a £300 tip)…

After reading the bill we needed to re-open the tab to get him a stiff drink. Then he went off to argue the toss over the tip as the service wasn’t THAT amazing and muttering something about ‘late vegetables’.

“Just put it through expenses MM”

“Do you know who my manager is?! The head of finance!!”

“Calm down, look do you want another drink?”

“Oh ok”

That’s the thing about the Moon Man, he might be a bit of a stipler for the rules but he likes a good drink. Thank god. Anyway I heard on the grape vine that Finance spent just as much and there’s less of them than us so ner.

£2,500?! I can hear you screaming it from here. Yes well it turns out that glass of rose champagne? £11. That bottle of wine they were ordering on the table next to me? £45. The champagne cocktail that Gunner got for Ms Rigsby to get her drinking again? £13. I think perhaps the choice of venue might account for the final tab.

Well I do have exceptional taste.

So that ends the Christmas celebrations here at Freaky Central. It’s been a good run and I have made the very most of it. I’m just looking forward to the New Year and what socials, celebrations and soirees 2011 brings. They’re bound to run out of money eventually so we need to make the most of this while we can!

The fall of the freaks

A couple of blogs ago I revelled in the departure of one very annoying temp and I believe I said “one freak down....” Whilst at the time I was overcome with unprecedented joy at the sudden absence of she who mumbles and mishears I didn’t really mean to rid myself of an entire department of them. It seems I may have jinxed myself.

Moody is leaving.

Mr Moody New Zealander, he who forever hovers by my desk with a question pending, he the all unknowledgeable of Crapbags, the master whiner of everything, the man who is never happy. Yes him. He’s off.

This news was broken rather suddenly and abruptly by Harley who unceremoniously gathered us all around Moody’s desk to tell us what was happening. There is always this fear by the management in my department that as soon as something newsworthy is learnt they have to tell people straight away because they’re worried we might find out on the grape vine. This is all the interesting and juicy news of course, not anything that we might benefit in hearing first hand, like redundancies, a new starter or changes to your job. Seeing as we didn’t have a team meeting any time soon and all of the meeting rooms were occupied then the space by Moody’s computer was deemed the place to disclose this shocker. I was genuinely shocked. He never said anything to me before hand and a lot of people asked me if I had known after the announcement. “Surely he must have said something to you?” Nope. Sniff, sniff...

I of course walked up to him and slapped him across the back of the head straight afterwards – “kept that one quiet didn’t you? Hmmm?!!?” From what he said I don’t think he had much choice in the matter, he’s not leaving of his own accord. He’s a contractor and we don’t “do” contractors any more, we do staff instead. At Moody’s age he’s not interested in going staff so there’s no more contract for him sadly.

“So I’m off in January”

“But you’re on annual leave for 3 weeks in January?!”

“Yep, I’ll be back for a bit after to hand over to CJ and then I’m off”

“CJ? They are going to replace you aren’t they? They’re not going to dump me with her!”

“I’d assume so, I’m not sure.”

“DON’T LEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAVVVVVEEEEEEEE MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

“Calm down Nancy, and get up off the floor....stop hugging my leg people are staring.”

Yes, you see not only do I lose the one person who seems to know everything I don’t (which is to be fair quite a substantial amount) but I am left to fend for myself and go to CJ with any questions. Now I don’t know a great deal but she by all accounts knows a lot less. In fact she often comes to me for help. Ironic really when her salary is probably 3 times mine. So in a nutshell I am fucked. As from January things are potentially going to get even busier round here as I take on Moody and CJ’s work load (she doesn’t actually DO anything you know! Silly.) and try to fend for myself. Yes, yes, there is the possibility of a new Moody but that won’t be in January (not at the rate our HR team move to employ anyway) and he’ll be new and shiny and have questions all of his own!

Selfish is what it is. Retiring at his age, tsk. Actually I have no idea how old he is, only that he has a big white beard and heart condition and threatens to retire every other week. So I’m assuming close to retirement. Knowing Moody he’ll be well beyond it, I always got the impression he likes to not be at home for a large part of the day. You know, one overhears phone calls...

Jinxed it I did. I take it all back. I love the freaks, they can all stay! I’ll buy them lunch! Even CJ! Don’t leave me freaks! Please!

Dance floor action

Hello strangers, have you missed me? Well you know they always say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’ve missed you if that’s any consolation, I’ve missed the blog, the ranting, the moaning the gossip and scandal...oh stop, I’m welling up....

Would you be shocked if I told you that it has been work stopping me from my beloved blogging? Yes work. That’s what’s been keeping us apart, eating away at the hours in the day until suddenly it’s gone 5pm and I’ve yet to put fingers to keyboard and update you with the latest from Losing their Faculties Towers. As it is I’m writing this in the evening on my own time – yes I’m that dedicated.

It’s been over a week since I last blogged and I think holidays aside that’s the longest I’ve ever gone since I started this. I can only offer my sincerest apologies and pray that it doesn’t happen again. I make no promises though as at the moment it’s rather manic in the world of contracts to say the least. This always happens at Christmas, people suddenly realise they really need that bit of equipment they were thinking about buying 8 months back and now it’s URGENT. I’ve had that word pop up a lot in emails, along with that little red exclamation mark people tag on to their Outlook messages. How can everything be urgent? Really? You mean those 24 emails I came into this morning? All but 3 were urgent? I think maybe in my world they are not – annoying yes, tedious yes, making me stay late at work again yes, but urgent no. I don’t think that society will fall or a small child will die if I don’t get this done before COB tomorrow. Someone might get a bit annoyed and call me up asking pointed questions about their urgent email they sent me the morning before and why I hadn’t realised just how urgent it was but no one will lose a limb or close a hospital.

Oh I’m sorry, and here was me sat here making origami swans and catching up on-line for the latest Home and Away gossip because I was at such a loose end. Its fine, I have nothing better to do.

The other thing that doesn’t help (and I REALLY never thought I would hear myself say this) is all the Christmas socials that eat into a lot of the working hours this time of year. For example this week alone I am out the office quaffing free wine and nibbles on 2 afternoons. Hurrah for free food and wine but boo for even less time to sort out all the urgent shit. I think this is what they call ‘time management’ and ‘multi-tasking’ but you see I forgot how to do that in the 18 months I was sat here doing bugger all and slowly losing my mind. I’ve learnt at least that it takes your brain a while to get back up to speed when you got from desperately trying to find tasks to fill your day to having to find the days to complete your tasks.

Still, at least it makes the day go quicker and gives me a bit more fuel towards pushing for that pay rise. Oh yes, that pay rise will be mine * stares into distance with defiant look *

But enough of my moaning about work. “Shut up Nancy and tell us the gossip!” “What’s been happening? Something must have happened, it’s Christmas after all!” Too true, too true. Item number one would be the work Christmas bash which happened on Friday. This is the big one, the whole company as opposed to the department do (that’s the one where people punch each other and fall in open water and go missing for days...) which is this week – so hopefully more on that coming soon.

This was 500 people in a massive marquee being plied with more free drink and food, with more of an emphasis on the drink. It also involved a very long coach journey in rush hour traffic which made everyone all the more thirsty. I ended up sitting next to Moon Monkey on that ride (it was him or CJ and he seemed the lesser of 2 evils after Ms Rigsby ditched me for a seat at the front with Andre) and he commented that if our department had organised this shin dig there would have been a bar on the coach. You have to admire the man for his priorities at least. I also learnt that Mrs Moon Monkey is preggers again – abstaining from the work party due to morning sickness. Well congrats to you Moon Man, another monkey for the clan. I made polite conversation, tried to be as witty as possible and seem knowledgeable about some important business trip he and the other 2 stooges are organising (mainly from over hearing Kirstie on the phone...see I pay attention to the useful stuff)...once again lying further foundations for the pay rise...it will be mine...

Once at the venue I ditched the boss (never seen to be socialising too much, I ain’t no brown noser) and partook in 2, 3 or 4 glasses of champagne. Seeing as my total food intake to that point in the day had been 2 Weetabix and a Super Noodle I was dicing with possible early drunken embarrassment but I managed to hold my own, even talking to the guy in the kilt who was grabbing his sporran an awful lot... Then on to the meal which was.....meh well a meal....more wine and then more wine. The entertainment was varied, a band, a DJ, some of those bucking broncos where you try to stay on by clinging on to whatever you can find and damaging your thigh muscles as they clench the side of the bull, meerkat racing (not real ones), and some virtual golf and skiing. Oh and the free bar.

The dance floor was highly entertaining where I was introduced to a colleagues wife. This was one of those occasions when on introduction you’re saying “Hi, nice to finally meet you” and thinking “really? You’re with HIM?” Yes she was distinctly younger and prettier – I can only imagine she’s waiting until he pops his clogs. I wasn’t the only one thinking this before you start judging (I can hear you), I had a couple of looks even from the Moon Man at the side of the dance floor and a raise eyebrow and nod of the head from Bog Monkey confirmed it. I’m not sure if anyone got drunk enough to ask her why she was with him or said something along the lines of “wow, you’re a lot younger than I expected...like A LOT” but it’s a distinct possibility.

There was also a Nazi photographer in the form of a new lady from one of the other departments who Gunner and I have labelled as ‘scary’. She is. Feckin’ scary.

“COME ON GIRLS GET TOGETHER FOR A PHOTO! QUICKLY NOW!”

You can see the fear in Ms Rigby’s eyes on the ones she emailed round today – someone said it could be that red eye effect but I can see she’s wondering if this image will be used against her in a court of law.

The best thing by far on the dance floor was not the incredibly drunken midget from Accounts with her very embarrassed boyfriend looking on, nor was it the sight of Gunner with a bottle of stray white wine in his hand jumping about to Squeeze, it wasn’t even the time I got a little over excited with my dance moves and managed to smash my mobile and the contents of my bag on the floor (damn girly handbags). The best sight was Andre. Sober Andre, wearing her purpose made bright blue with gold trimming 1400’s style frock, shocking red lipstick, dancing as if her life depended on it. I must say she’s a devoted fan of Brit Pop. She was going mental!! We of course encouraged it all the way and danced like mentals next to her to keep her going – lots of fists in the air, hair swinging about as she head banged and look out for those hips! They’ll get ya! Amazing. I do hope Photo Nazi got some shots, perhaps even a sneaky video. We’ll soon find out I’m sure.

All in all it was a fab evening, I’ll say this for the Nuthouse – they know how to organise a good party. A free cab journey home too to boot (once we found it “I’ve been calling your phone” – oh you mean the phone which is currently in pieces in my shit girly handbag?) with Ms Rigsby...I think I was talking quite a bit, not sure what about, she doesn’t seem to remember either so we are safe there. You can’t go wrong can you? I may have sold my soul to the corporate folk but they have paid me back generously in the social sense. Now this week we have more drinks on Wednesday to celebrate something fabulous that’s happened somewhere (I didn’t take notice of the details, I simply clicked on ‘Accept’ when I read the words ‘drinks and canapés’) and then the department Xmas lunch on Thursday. You can take your non-free public services Christmas dinner at Pizza Hut and shove it up your do-gooding, giving back to the community arse...I’m off to the champagne bar! Hic!

Adios Temp!

Jesus look at the time, its 5pm already. And I’ve achieved nothing today, absolutely jack. Well, if you count a 1 page guide to requisitions, attending 2 meetings, finalising the department Christmas party and struggling with writing my appraisal nothing. Actually that sounds like a lot but it really doesn’t feel like it. Especially as the past 2 hours have been on the latter, me sat here with my brain dribbling out of my ears as I try to hash together words to describe how utterly amazing I am in my job. Why do I care so much anyway? It’s not like Harley is going to read any of it!

But to business. I left you on Friday with the tantalising news that Temp has now moved on, gone away, bye bye, so long, she’s off, toodleoo, cheerio, don’t come back and ta ta. And in a hurry as well, here one minute annoying the shit out of me with her repetitive cries of “IT’S SNOWING AGAIN!” and “are you ok? You look suicidal?” and the next running out the door like a possum after a ripped bin liner! I’m just trying to remember on which day this actually happened, I think it may have been Wednesday (last week is a bit of a blur – the cold and flu drugs didn’t help matters either) – so Thursday and Friday were blissful and today…well it’s like she was never here.

As you may have noticed there has was some snow last week in the UK and as per usual the country ground to a halt. Trains not running, lorries jack-knifing on the motorways, Tesco running out of kiwi fruits, children unable to get their daily education. All of this of course is not important, what is important is what snow boots Temp should buy for her stomping around town. What type of boot, what colour, which shops she had tried, which branches of those shops, how much she should spend, were wellies an option? I don’t feckin’ care, just buy some boots and stick them on your feet! Why do you think I care about this? What did I ever say to make you think I was even mildly interested in your winter footwear?! Plus of course when it did start snowing there was the wetting of the pants in excitement. Thank god she left before the big snowfall here Thursday or it would have been unbearable…..ugh, I can’t even begin to think about it. Shudder.

So Wednesday.

I was sat doing my best to ignore her for most of the morning and she had been fart-arsing around with some of the girls from Accounts, going round taking photo’s of everyone dressed in red (for World Aids/HIV Day) so I was luckily spared the shrieking and incessant chatter. Ginger did point out that she was actually slacking off for a good portion of the day but to be honest if she wasn’t sat next to me I just didn’t care. So at lunch time she takes a call on her mobile in hushed tones and scurries off to a meeting room somewhere. When she returns I carry on doing my best to ignore her and she scurries off once more in the direction of HR. At this stage I have minimum interest other than the fact she is NOT HERE.

Ten minutes later and she’s back, huffing and puffing and doing her best to get me to ask her what is wrong but I’m not giving in. Stay strong Nancy! Eventually she starts to whisper my name (it’s quite unnerving really) and again I refuse to acknowledge her unless she speaks to me in a normal voice.

“Nancy….Nancy…..NANCY”

Yes?

She spills the news. Turns out that was a call from another agency who have a job for her that is temping but indefinite and more money and also in the area she used to work in. What should she do?! She’s told HR the situation, she’d have to let them know by lunch time and it starts tomorrow. Oh the trauma!

“So what are you waiting for? Take the job”

Oh but it’s not that simple, you see Temp is deluded enough to think that she might be needed (or wanted) here beyond Christmas and if that is the case then she’d rather stay on. WTF? This job is practically permanent, in an area you have experience in and better paid and you want to stay because?

“You know, I really like it here and I don’t want to leave so if I can stay I will.”

Shit, shit, shit. She’s got to go, it’s our big chance. Get her out. She tells me that HR are emailing Harley to see what he says so she is waiting on hearing back from them. I’m not sure if the waiting is worse for her or me. Me, yes it is definitely me as I have to listen to this:

“Oh god I wish Harley would call me or email me, I really don’t know what to do, this is so hard, what would you do? Would you stay? I really don’t want to go but if it’s long term maybe I should, oh this waiting is awful (it’s been about 15 minutes), I can’t concentrate on anything, I’m so worried, I feel like crying, I know I’ve only been here a few months but I would really miss it and everyone, oh why doesn’t he email me, do you think he will email me or HR?”

Eventually I crack and tell her to email Harley. I insist she does, she should do it, really. Please. So that keeps her busy for at least 10 minutes. Then I have to listen to her read out the email (well I say listen, I watch her mouth open and close and nod as I pretend to) and tell her to send it. Thank fuck this does the trick and Harley calls her within 5 minutes. I hold my breath.

“He’s advised me to take the job. I think I’m, going to do that. But I feel so bad leaving you guys in the lurch (yeah because you have been such an asset to the team, wow how will we replace the gaping hole you leave behind?) so I think I am going to suggest I work weekends to finish off what I have left to do.”

Er? Why? I think between us we can handle some archiving and follow up the letters you have sent out. Jesus, she’s acting like she’s leaving some long legacy behind her and it’ll take months to hand over. As she scurries off to call the agency I hastily email Gunner who is working abroad that week:

From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 01 December 2010 13:32
To: Gunner
Subject: Amazing News

Alright globe trotter.

You probably already heard from Harley that Temp has a new job that starts tomorrow. I for one am over the moon. She has been killing me all day with her fretting and whining about what to do and waiting on Harley to let her know. I really am going to lamp her as a leaving present.

Anyway she has suggested to Harley that she works some weekends to finish off the archiving which Ginger and I think is feckin’ ridiculous. Harley is going to ask you about it – so heads up for that. I’ll tell her to finish as much as she can today (she’s done bugger all this morning apart from wander about with people taking photo’s for World Aids Day) and we can get it sorted between the rest of us?

What do you think?

From: Gunner
Sent: 01 December 2010 13:37
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Amazing News

Hello Nancy

I thought you'd be pleased.

I just finished a call with Harley and saw an e-mail from HR about this.

I told her she can fek off (Harley left it up to me).

Get Temp to show Ms Rigsby where she's up to on the archiving as she's pretty much up to date on the post & stuff, and she's not dumb so she can finish it off as & when. I only got Temp to do it so she could lock herself in the meeting room away from us.

I'll e-mail her if you want or do you want the pleasure of telling her to show Rigsby & then get lost?

Cheers Gunner

Phew, so no likelihood of her popping up again at any point. We’re covered, thank the lord.

Oh my god, she is actually going, I can’t believe it!! I am trying to suppress my joy but it is hard, thank god Kirstie is snowed in at home or I might not be able to contain myself. I am of course emailing her with constant updates.

So now begins the whole elaborate process of Temp showing Ms Rigsby what she needs to do. This actually takes about 7 minutes and Rigsby looks more than comfortable with it all. Well it’s not fucking rocket science is it? The rest of her afternoon is spent going round and telling various people the sad news she is leaving so abruptly, I think she is partially wounded and surprised by their lack of interest/sympathy. In fact since she has gone only one person has asked me where she is and that was the post room guy as he needed to give her a parcel. Seriously, she’s acting like a lifer, like we should have organised a going away party, gold watch and big ridiculous card signed by all and sundry. JUST HURRY UP AND LEAVE!

Finally her coat is on and she’s jotting down her email address and mobile number for me as I have told her I’ll see what I can do about getting her along to the department Xmas bash still (this isn’t going to happen but I thought I’d look like I’d make an effort) “well I was going to leave it with you anyway as I thought you know we’d be mates?” At this point I openly laugh in her face. “Er you don’t have to laugh about it” “Sorry, it was er, just the way you said it…” And on that note she is gone.

Wait, listen to that. Can you hear it?

That’s right it’s the sound of no Temp. It’s the sound of joy. It’s flippin’ music to my ears is what it is. Excuse me while I bask.

One freak down, several more to go.