Meetings – the dangers

Things are starting to calm down somewhat in Strangeways and so hopefully I’ll be transmitting on a more regular basis over the next few weeks. What with the meetings, fighting to stay awake in the meetings and the general day to day there has been scant time for doing anything else including filling you in on my many japes and jollies in the glass tower of weird.

Last week was particularly heavy on the meetings; in fact on the Wednesday it was what I would call “meeting-tastic”. One after the other, having to leave one meeting early (well technically on time its just that as we all know meetings do tend to run over as a rule – because of course we all have nothing better to do…) to get to the next and dashing for a loo break in between if time allowed. I’m making it sound like I have suddenly become some high flying whizz PA who has to attend all these very important meetings and say very important things. When the truth of it really is that I get invited along because I am loosely involved/attached some how and then spend most of it wondering what the heck they are all talking about and doodling on my pad (if I bother to take one).

It also appeared that every time I walked into a meeting room last week I also had the overwhelming urge to fall asleep. Partly down to bad timing (that dreaded 2.30-4pm slot where I’m slumping) and partly just down to lack of sleep on my part. I had one meeting with CJ and Tiny on Tuesday at 2.30pm (da da daaaaa!) in the smallest, warmest meeting room known to mankind where we were sat about a foot apart from each other round a small circular table. As soon as I sat down I knew it was going to be hard work but I was also confident in the thought it would be a quick meeting. I couldn’t physically keep my eyes open half the time and kept on pinching my left arm with such ferocity I now have a small bruise. Didn’t work, at one point I nodded off and my head fell off the hand that was supporting it and almost hit the table….I jumped awake and no one said anything but I was definitely clocked doing it, there’s no way I could have gotten away with that!

So with a big 2 hour meeting looming on the Wednesday, which potentially could be the most boring meeting of my full career in fact, I was doing a lot in preparation. While CJ and Replacement were busy printing out the power point presentation and listing questions they would ask I was drinking bucket loads of coffee and stripping off the layers. Keep cold, plenty of caffeine, a pen and pad to distract me, took my mobile in in case I needed further distraction, bottles of water for rehydration and splashing cold water on my face before hand.

All to no avail.

This meeting took place in one of the new swanky meeting rooms on the ground floor – dark mahogany everywhere, blinds closed, and a large rectangular table so everyone can see each other. What are you trying to do to me people?! You might as well hand me a camp bed and sleeping bag. The 2 hours ticked by at an alarmingly slow rate:

10.30am: Meeting begins with Luthor holding court; I have managed to sit myself opposite Moon Monkey unintentionally…. Oh and look yes the head of IT is sitting next to him, hurrah. I’m flanked by CJ and Replacement, both with pen and pads poised and at the ready. CJ has the PPP printed out so I have a quick flick through….. I will probably understand what they are talking about on page…3 and that’s it. How many pages to this? 15? I’m sorry – 15 slides? JTFC.

10.35am: Some confusion over the slides and how to work the overhead projector – yes even with 5 members of the IT department in the room.

10.40am: And we’re off! Oh god, there’s an American in the room…marvellous.

10.50am: Luthor is in full swing but Moon Monkey is intent on questioning every remark he makes, this could get tedious.

10.53am: I’m starting to feel sleepy – already?! Are you serious? Right, time to put plan A into action, commence with vigorous water drinking and arm pinching immediately.

10.58am: It doesn’t seem to be working, shit we’re only half an hour into the meeting, what am I going to do? Eyes closing…..must fight it…..fuck, I think someone just said my name? Oh god they did, they’re asking me a question, what was it?! Stay cool Nancy….

11.10am: Replacement seems to be scribbling notes on her pad at an alarming rate, perhaps she’s taking the minutes. Perhaps she’s just hoping that if she writes this all down it might have some semblance of meaning later?

11.14am: Still chugging down the water and pinching my arm, I find if I fidget every 30 seconds this helps but I think it is starting to irritate CJ and draw unwanted attention from MM….

11.18am: 1^st bottle of water has been drunk, moving on to the second.

11.25am: CJ is off on one so they are all looking in this direction, must look awake, must not look bored, lots of important people in the room…oh chirst she’s using the quotation marks with abundance again…I really want to break her fingers.

11.40am: MM has some interesting anecdotes for this meeting, I think he might just be trying to piss off Luthor (and I’m all for that). Apparently the NHS order in gloves from over 2,500 different companies and in America 2 million people have signed away their mortal souls to a company because they didn’t read the small print. A comment of “well they are American” from Harvey. Followed by a quick (half hearted) apology to the one sat in the room.

11.43am: 2^nd bottle of water is half way. Damn now I need the toilet, in my fight against the lethargy I have managed to add another nemesis in the shape of my bladder to the meeting battle zone! Curses.

11.45am: The American just actually used the phrase “Cowboy land” – I wonder if he was talking about his home town?

11.59am: Finally starting to wake up a bit now, the tiredness has lifted and I can stop focusing on keeping my eye lids open.

12:04pm: Now I can actually listen to some of what is being said….not that I really understand much of it. Apparently the IT spend over the next 3 years is close to $300m though – oh is that all?... What are you doing people? Buying diamond encrusted keyboards?!

12:15pm: My bladder is very full, I have a child’s bladder as it is and this is not going to last. A trip to the toilet will be needed shortly. Don’t want to look like a twat sneaking out though so will try and hold it.

12.25pm: Losing the will to live now, this meeting is beyond boring and none of these people will SHUT UP and let Luthor get on with his slides. We’re only on slide 7. Someone help me, set off the fire alarm, run in with some alarming news that breaks this cack up – maybe I could fake a heart attack?

12.27pm: The lights in the room just went out. Well at least that’s mildly interesting. Its one of those energy saving things where if it doesn’t detect movement it turns off. Everyone sits waving their arms about like some YMCA routine and eventually they come back on again.

12.32pm: OK so the meeting should have finished by now, why are people still talking? And only on slide 12 – ugh. Its no good my bladder is about to explode in some messy fashion all over this mahogany I need to make a run for it. I excuse myself and pelt it to the ladies.

12:33pm: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

12:36pm: I sneak back into the room. They’re still going and slide 12 is still up.

12:38pm: Uh oh, the 2^nd wave of sleepiness is upon me. Bam, there go the eye lids and I’m finding it hard to hold my pen and pretend to write…Water…no hang on we learnt our lesson last time with that – ok arm pinching it is then.

12:50pm: We have now been on slide 12 for 25 minutes, ok we get it, it’s a pretty slide with lots of words and colours and arrows and even some keys now move it on!

12:51pm: Lights have gone off again, more frantic waving. We must look like some bunch of crazies.

12:56pm: I have another meeting at 1pm, I am really going to have to go. Possibly via the toilet again (damn you child’s bladder!) and even around the pond once to try and wake up. Hurry up people.

12:59pm: Slide 12 is still on the board, feck this I’m off.

Luckily the 1pm meeting only lasts 20 minutes and it’s in a nice shiny bright, cold room with lots of non-important people saying lots of far more interesting and non-important things. When I get back to my desk they are only just returning from the 15 slide meeting and I bump into Replacement on the way.

“So how much longer did it go on for?”

“Oh about another 20 minutes? What did you think of it?”

“Possibly one of the most boring meetings I have attended in this company.”

OK so I didn’t say that….

“Yeah it was ok, a lot of it goes over my head but I suppose it’s good to get an overview…blah blah blah….You?”

“Yeah it was good, I especially thought….”

“ANYWAY I have to get going to er, another meeting……yeah”

With the toilet.

You still here?

Moody is back for one night only. Well 3 nights. Technically 3 days and perhaps less. I guess it depends on Luthor’s mood swings and how he sees it all going. I’m hedging my bets and giving him the wine and card tomorrow just in case.

We bumped into each other in the mini kitchen this morning, I had no idea he was back today and so was somewhat surprised to see him there struggling with the recycling bins. It was a nice surprise as CJ and I were none too sure if we would in fact see him again but it seems that Luthor finally gave into our demands. But now he is back he’s also back to really irritating the number two’s out of me again. I’d forgotten how used to and laid back I’d gotten to his lengthy rants and whinges as he perches on the side of your desk. He’s also managed to catch me twice while I’ve been eating today and interrupting Nancy and her food stuffs is always a bad move in anyones book. The first time my muesli got fairly soggy and the second time my jacket potato went cold.

Not just the timing but also the waffling. I’d forgotten how much he waffles. How could I forget in such a short period of time?! He’s only been gone about 3 weeks but yet so quickly these gripes about Crapbags and life in general are wiped from my mind. I suppose I needed room in there for far more interesting and useful information?

So there he is sat on my files and post-its asking questions about everything and anything and nothing at all and I realise that I haven’t really actually missed him at all. That sounds terrible doesn’t it? I mean I like the guy and his weird, quirky ways but when it comes to working he is actually a massive pain in the arse. It may also be that since he hasn’t been here it’s been more obvious how much he hasn’t done and I’ve even found myself feeling sorry for CJ on occasions.

What’s going on?!

Still, Moody keeps pressing the point that he doesn’t want to get involved in anything, that he’s not here long so there’s no point. This is a true and valid point so please keep away from me with any work matters thanking you please.

We have also had his replacement start and she has been here a week. Replacement is currently nameless as I haven’t spent enough time with her to form a full and rounded opinion or ideas for a nick name. There have been a couple of occasions where Ms Rigsby and I have sat with her at lunch and frankly struggled to make conversation. She does from initial impressions seem amazingly dull. Even her voice is quite dull. You know people who don’t really use a lot of emphasis in anything they say, not a lot of variation? Monotone. Eventually I gave up and Ms R heroically continued with the banter. When Replacement walked away we gave each other a look that said “that was flippin’ hard work” and have since avoided the mini kitchen when we see her reach for her tupperware.

The thing is with new people you have to bear in mind they are, well, new. So perhaps they are seeing how the land lies, judging what they can and can’t do/say in the work place, deciding how much of themselves they want to bring into the work place. I mean even I was very quiet when I started here (I know, hard to believe) and eventually started getting a bit more lively when I realised what a bunch of extroverts and weirdo’s I was working with. But then there is always a hint of what could possibly be and at the moment Replacement is giving me nothing. I’m not sure she’ll be joining in with any vagina jokes or looking at shoes on line with Kirstie and Ms R. Ah well, we can’t win them all.

So out with the moaner and in with the monotone. One freak replaces another. It’s the way things should be.

Lord of the kitchen

Today I spent my lunch break with Andre which is always an interesting and odd experience. I was late into the kitchen so by the time I was warming up my spaghetti hoops (in your face Facilities!!) there was only me and the Hobbit lover left. Ms Rigsby hung around for a while and left me with a copy of Grazia magazine which I tried in vein to be engrossed in but lets be honest I’m not a Grazia kind of girl so it was never going to happen. Some how we got talking about walk-in wardrobes which lead on to a discussion about the many outfits and costumes she owns and then there was the talk about Warwick Castle and trying to get her 10 year old nephew interested in working for a king in a reconstruction workshop (and failing) and the time she went to a convention and how odd it is heading back to your hotel room in the lift with Jar Jar Binks and Roj Blake.

You know the usual lunch time banter you have with people at work.

Part of me wants to inhale my hoops, burning my mouth, throat and all corresponding internal organs, throw my empty bowl at the sink and run back to my desk but the other part of me is always very fascinated by Andre and what makes her tick. She’s odd but she’s interesting. She’s got a bit of a strange set of priorities and outlook on life but she’s also very intelligent and can tell a funny story.

So I stayed and I listened and we talked about how she got drunk on some guys perfume in the other office because it was so strong. Literally, I’m not talking about the phrase I mean she says there was so much alcohol content in it she inhaled that and got tipsy. I really had no idea that was possible. She also told me about her friend who watched some historic film with her and they had children working on a ship and her friend asked why so Andre told her back then kids just worked so her mate asked “what about the heath and safety issues?” Andre had to then go on and point out that they didn’t exist in the 1500’s but flogging and scurvy did.

One day I would like to go to Andre’s house for tea and sit with her and her dear old Mum having an Earl Grey out of some bone china, sat on a sofa from the 60’s watching re-runs of Blake 7 and Dr Who. Then we’d eat some medieval feast for dinner and she’d show me her wardrobe and collection of lethal 16^th century weapons. I’d stay over in the spare room where she keeps her spare long staff and lie in a single bed with a Lord of the Rings duvet staring up at posters of Star Trek characters. Amazing. I’m itching for an invite, might have to drop a few hints over lunch.

Otis! My Robe!

I’ve mentioned before that my job role is changing somewhat (unbeknown to me initially) and whilst I haven’t been given any objectives or final answer about this things seem to be seeping through the woodwork. I’ve been invited along to numerous meetings with numerous teams and heard whispered conversations about who is meant to be doing what and how that will affect everyone. It can get to be a bit tedious if I’m honest, all this drip, drip of information – just hurry up and tell me what you want me to do! I don’t mind doing it (well I might but I’ll have to regardless) so just firm up the details and send me the memo.

A lot of this seems to be stemming from one individual in particular, a man who I have now been informed will be my new boss. Joy. Whilst I do moan on about Harley and Moody this guy is likely to provoke moaning cranked up a level and probably some serious hard core ranting. Tighten your seat belts. So far he’s only managed to push my buttons a couple of times and it’s not been a case for rant-o-rama but you know when you can sense the potential? I’ve heard rumours and seen the evidence, all nicey nicey on the surface and then stabs you in the back with a fork when you’re not looking.

Luthor (as I like to call him because he is quite possibly an evil genius with a huge underground swimming pool and access to a crate of kryptonite) can rub people up the wrong way just by entering a meeting room and I’ve already snapped at him twice. I must remember this is the man who will be defining my bonus next year… So far a couple of irritants have been the fact that he’ll only give you half the information you need and expect you to polish up your crystal ball or just invent the other half for yourself. I often receive emails with:

Nancy,

Please progress with set up.

Have a nice weekend.

Luthor

Below will be a massive chain of emails from various departments talking about something I have no clue about and by the end of reading not the foggiest as to what I am meant to be progressing. 9 times out of 10 I have to walk over and ask him what the feck he wants me to do. He also has that annoying way of acting like he has already imparted all of his wisdom and knowledge on the subject to me and so I am of course being an idiot in asking him about it. “You know, the thing we discussed in the meeting?” Oh right. The ‘thing’. Of course I am so sorry, what a retard I am for not linking the ‘thing’ with your cryptic email. Sack me now.

He almost made CJ cry in a meeting with him and Moody last week, he’s determined not to let Moody walk back in the door again even though CJ and I are fighting for it (there are one or two rather important matters to clear up with him?), he seems to do everything his own way and follow the minimum amount of protocol and has the highest sense of self-importance I have ever come across in a person. He doesn’t get involved in the ‘little things’ with the ‘little people’.

In conclusion a grade A twat who I will most likely not be on best terms with. And now he approves my annual leave, awards my bonus and is the man to go to when I have any issues. So what do you do when the issue is the person you go to your issues with?!

Currently I am ignoring the fact he’s the dude to answer to and still consider Harley to be my big wig (careful) and I will continue to do so until directed otherwise. Or am stabbed with a fork.

New home

Well new office, new desk, new pass and new rules….

It seems to be living up to its reputation so far for swanky-ness. I walked into the main foyer this morning and was ushered into the main canteen on the ground floor to collect my pass. Free fresh coffee on offer as well so I grabbed a mocha as one does. I then got in the lift to go up one floor without thinking I could just take the stairs. Me and one guy from the company on the 4^th floor (we are not alone…) got in and it started going down not up. Picked someone up from the car park level, back up to ground floor and more people get in. Then about to go and the doors open again and then the people say “oh no we’ll get the next one”. At this stage the original guy in the lift and me are pissing ourselves laughing thinking we may never leave this lift again. As I fought my way out onto level one I wished him luck in reaching the 4^th floor!

My desk is much of a muchness, I have a lovely view of the fire escape and if I crane my neck can see a small portion of the lake. I’ve got Ms Rigsby sat opposite me but we can’t see each other as the tall desk partitions are back even though we were promised they wouldn’t be. At least I have somewhere to stick up my post-it notes. My phone is new and has a mini computer screen on it and my name! Although it doesn’t seem to work very well. I’ve had several people call me and shout “Hello Nancy?!” down the phone and not be able to hear me. The last woman said I sounded like a Dalek just before the line cut out. Teething problems I think.

Ginger and I had a wander round this morning and it’s all looking very impressive, bit empty and huge at the moment but I’m sure that will change. The main kitchen downstairs has about 15 microwaves in it which seems excessive. Even the toilets are impressive! And it takes a lot for a toilet to impress me.

We are now going green and have a ‘bin-less’ office. I bitched about this this morning until I realised I had voted in favour of this prior to the move. Ah. I suppose it is a good idea. We have no bins at our desks only in the kitchen where there is the recyclables, food waste and general waste. Hopefully people will soon learn that a piece of kitchen towel does not count as food waste and you are able to recycle paper.

We have a small kitchen in our corner which is well equipped and randomly has a photocopier and printer in it as well. So to get my printing I have to go to the kitchen. But at the moment I can’t print to that printer. Which is handy.

Earlier Ginger and I were making our lunch in the little kitchen. It has coffee/tea a kettle, fridge and 2 microwaves. So I am heating up my spaghetti hoops and Ginger her Chinese. Some guy from facilities who is loitering about comes over to tell us off:

“You can’t heat up food up here”

“Er why?”

“Because the ventilation system on this floor circulates it round the other floors so it spreads the smell”

“You mean just like the old building where no one seemed to mind? And where do I eat my lunch then?”

“You have to take it to the kitchen on the ground floor and cook it and eat it there because the ventilation system is different”

“So why do we have 2 microwaves?”

“That’s for heating up porridge and hot drinks”

“So you’re telling me you find the smell of my beans offensive but not my porridge and why would I reheat a coffee?”

“Well, you just can’t eat that here”

Eventually he walked off and we continued cooking our lunch and ate it at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I can understand them saying you can’t eat it at your desk but I am not taking my tin of beans, loaf of bread and trekking all the way downstairs to cook it and eat it. Fuck that. Ridiculous. I’ll wait for my formal warning before I stop enjoying my spaghetti hoops at the breakfast bar. It was quite nice as well, me, Ms Rigsby, Ginger, Kirstie and Andre all chatting and eating. If I went downstairs I’d be a right nobby-no-mates on my own. Feckin’ jobsworths. It won’t last, there will be an uprising!! “We will rise up and stab them with our plastic forks!”

Work wise I have achieved very little today you’ll be surprised to hear. Too many distractions, too much free coffee to drink, too many places to go and people to find. I’ll start a-fresh tomorrow I’m sure.

Right.

Fitness Freak

We have this ‘thing’ at work over Feb called “February Health Club” or something and the idea is you are meant to try and set yourself targets to lose weight or do more exercise or give up smoking or whatever. I can’t be arsed with it as I don’t have the time or the inclination but now Saffa has gone all Mr Motivator on us and has entered the department against the EHS team. We’re not going to win; we’re a bunch of unfit alcoholics, 70% of which are fat old men. I think she just wants to loose weight and is dragging us all along for the ride.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I am all up for the team stuff but this is like enforced healthy living. I got told I had to pick 3 or 4 so I picked 2. I am eating 5 pieces of fruit and veg and day and drinking 4 bottles of 50cl water and I’m going to cycle 4 more km a day. Maybe.

The options are:

Fat Club: set a target weight loss or body fat % loss

Fitness Club: set a target of how many runs or visits to the gym you make each week, for example

Food Club: can you eat 5 pieces of fruit every day or limit yourself to chips once a week?

Fag Club: can you give up smoking or cut down for 4 weeks?

Firewater Club: set a target of so many units of alcohol or even complete abstinence for 4 weeks

OK so I’m not fat and don’t really need to lose weight, I’m already fit enough thank you very much, I hardly eat chips and I already have lots of fruit, I don’t smoke and you can sod off if you think I’m giving up drinking for 4 weeks – where’s the sense in that?! It’s not that I can’t do it you understand, it’s that I don’t want to. Honest.

I’ve never seen Saffa so motivated about something, she’s running round the office with these flyers and waving them in people’s faces. Kirstie has been dragged into the mix by agreeing to help organise it. Apparently there is some incentive on offer as well, like a prize. Well it’s not going to be a cocking bottle of wine is it? Probably a spa day or a free health check up or some such choz. I’ll have a family sized bar of Dairy Milk please, it’s ok I’ll take it to the spa with me. Not that I am going to be close to winning this thing, I don’t think my heart’s in it (you may have noticed by the tone of this blog? No?) and frankly I have better things to be doing than extra sessions down the gym….like extra sessions down the pub.

Anyway, enough of my griping. The move is almost here, I’m surrounded by boxes and removal men and utter chaos. All that remains on my desk is my computer, a contract, 2 boxes of condoms (managed to offload the other 2) and my phone. They told us to make sure we were packed up by 3pm but that the office would close for business at 5pm. Hmmmm, anyone else see a flaw in that logic?

The next time I’m writing to you it’ll be from the new, swish, state of the art offices across the way – ooooo exciting! I’ll be celebrating with a bacon sarnie first thing on Monday from the new canteen….oh no, sorry I mean a banana and a bottle of Evian….sigh.

I beg your pardon

My jaw hurts from laughing too much, we’ve got an attack of the giggles in the office today. It has arisen from a multitude of things, most of it filthy and all of it hilarious. Everything has just degenerated into chaos now and I can’t say anything to Kirstie without finding innuendo in it. Earlier I made her spray the water she was drinking all over a power point presentation and then Ginger joined in and Ms Rigsby wanted to know what we were laughing about….

It all started this morning at breakfast (yes its been going on all day, I’m pretty sure the guys sitting opposite us have invested in some ear plugs by now or will try and eject us from the office some how) and for some reason – I forget the specifics – I started singing the song “Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson (if you don’t know it you might want to You Tube it now so the rest of this blog is mildly amusing rather than confusing to you) but an alternate version that myself and some friends made up (well I say made up but I’m sure there’s nothing ground breaking about our adaptation) on a holiday in Greece some time back. And so the 2 lines I sang to Kirstie as we walked through the office were:

“I beg your pardon, I never promised you my lady garden”

Kirstie found this hysterical and now the song was stuck in my head so cue many versions popping up all day long. Kirstie was also throwing in questions about the said lady garden in the song. “But what if your lady garden is all barren and dry and hasn’t had any upkeep?” “What if it needs the lawn mowed?” “You don’t need to see the lady garden to tender it…” and so it goes on.

Ms Rigsby and her impressionable and inquisitive young mind piped up this afternoon, enquiring as to what we were crying with laughter about. Kirstie said she shouldn’t know as it would sully her thoughts but she insisted so I had to explain things to her. Bear in mind she is a young whipper snapper as well so I had to first explain the song and sing the original to her.

“So there’s this song and it goes….”

“OK, I don’t know it”

“No, it’s quite an old song. Anyway we were making it into a rude version”

“How?”

Seriously this girl is so innocent sometimes…

“Well by putting an extra lyric in front of the word ‘lady’”

We now watch the expression on her face as she frantically thinks of what word this could be…

“Would that word be….lady?”

“Yes, yes it would.”

She went puce and giggled and then didn’t really know what to say. Then she googled the song and found out the lyrics and who it was written by and I’m now afraid of what I’ve started.

Then Kirstie sang quite loudly that she could smell my lady garden as Ginger was walking past! Then Ginger asked her what she said and she once again sang it at top volume. Ginger then posed the question of how Kirstie had smelt my….well you get the picture.

Gunner was looking perplexed at this point so I warned him this was one conversation he did not want to get involved in and he retreated immediately. He knows his place does Gunner and is quite happy there and away from any lady-parts talk.

Honestly I think the women in this department are worse than the men when it comes to lewd language and smutty talk. Well ok, some of the women. Well, alright…us. We’re just making the most of it before we are cruelly separated in the office move. I’ll be a whole 2 desks away from Kirstie there and so may have to resort to emails and shouting over the tops of other people’s heads.

“HEY KIRSTIE! A ONE, TWO, THREE……I BEG YOUR PARDON….”

You have 15 seconds to comply

And so the preparation for the move continues…..

I have stickers, we have floor plans, there are many, many men in reflective vests wandering around the place with crates and packing boxes and the biggest roll of bubble wrap I ever saw. I suggested we roll Ms Rigsby up in it and chuck her off the fire escape to see if it protected her fall, she seems game for it so we just need to find an opportunity to steal it from the reflective vests.

In the new building I am sat by a window (score) which over looks this building (not so much of a score) and my desk doesn’t join up to anyone else’s. At the moment I have a ‘spare’ desk opposite me which they are going to put Ms Rigsby at while she continues her temping duties so that’s fine by me an all. All looking good so far.

Kirstie has been put in charge of drawing up the seating plan but not for deciding who sits where, now this plan is available for public screening you wouldn’t believe the squabbles and toy throwing that has been going on. First Harley is demanding a window seat and Kirstie has to put in a request to get him swapped because he’s really stomping his foot about it – which got declined (tee hee). Then the Wee Scottish Man is moaning about who he’s sat next to (not that I can blame him, it’s not the best company), then Andre is claiming she has to sit near a window for medical reasons “because its warmer” – really in a sealed glass box with air con in a country where the sun shines for only 20% of the year?

Poor Kirstie has had it in the ear from everyone so she’s washed her hands of it, stuck it up on the wall and pointed all complaints in the direction of Moon Monkey.

There has also been umpteen emails flying about from the new building team about everything they have spent all that money on and how it is all going to work. It’s like they think we don’t know how to work in an office, use a toilet or order a coffee.

A very odd one today though about our new passes.

Ages back we had to get our photo taken for the new building passes, mine I managed to glimpse on the screen afterwards and is fucking awful. Half my face is shadow and my hair looks terrible (taken the day before my hair appointment, always the way). We all thought this was just so they could all be programmed for the new doors – new building new doors right? Well not just doors it turns out and not just passes. This is what we were told today:

“On the first day in the new building, you will collect a new security badge which will need to be clearly displayed at all times, either on a belt clip or lanyard.

With this badge, you will have to swipe every time you pass through any of the controlled doors and in the lifts. This is important as all controlled doors have cameras with face recognition capability that will flag up an alert to Security if someone doesn’t swipe or uses a different card.”

Face recognition capability?? I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was working for MI5 – should I destroy this blog after reading?

I’m concerned because my crap photo might mean it doesn’t recognise me – will I have to always walk around with a bad hair do and shadowy face?? And what if it doesn’t? Alarm bells, flashing lights, a trap door?? All a bit worrying really. What’s next? Finger print scanning and voice recognition? Really.

Well we’re due a fire drill any moment now (I know, 4.30pm on a Friday – I tell you I’m not coming back to the office!) so I’ll sign off. Happy weekends people.

Movin’ on up

I am choosing to have a pause in my working day. I’ve worked my arse off since 8.30am and I think it’s about time I kicked back, had some chocolate cake that had so conveniently been left in the small kitchen with a small pot of cream. Well why not.

I’m also keeping one eye out for Harley as I want him to sign 4 things for me and he seems to have a tendency to be able to disappear when you need him most at the moment. Yesterday he was incredibly illusive and by then time he was pinned down in his chair at his desk, Andre had 19 documents for him to look at, I had 5 and

Ms Rigsby had 12. See Harley, avoidance gets you now

here, we are resourceful ladies and we will hunt you down and make you pay. Or sign. Yes probably we will make you sign not pay.

So, the exciting world I live in for 9 hours a day is not that exciting at the moment. Apart from cake the week has been pretty uneventful. We do however have the upcoming office move to look forward to! The day will soon arrive where we will cross over the threshold of something looking like the Ugly Betty ‘Mode’ offices and into our sleeker, cleaner, classier abode. The photo’s on the intranet are showing the building progress and it looks to be going well, all things on track? Care to lay a bet on if the phones will be working on day 1, if

my computer is at the right desk or anyone can access the toilets?

Things I am looking forward to about the new building:

- The fact I get a window seat (OK so I’ll just be looking out at the building next to us but at least I might get a bit more vitamin B)

- The ‘break-out’ area for our department which has 2 sofas – hello nap time!

- The new canteen that will be on the ground floor serving bacon rolls for breakfast…mmmmm bacon

- Vending machines! No longer will I need to take a 15 minute round trip for a packet of crisps of chokey cola!

- Private showers, potentially less manky than the ones we use with the rest of the companies right now

- That I can pretend I work for M

ode Magazine

It’s looking seriously swanky (or wanky?) see:

That’s the kitchen….sorry ‘break-out area’. I don’t know why they call it that, I’ve looked for escape routes in the ones here and there aren’t any. I’ll probably still end up having my lunch at my desk anyway. I hope they have more than 2 microwaves and employ the use of normal bins you don’t have to make some strange hand gesture over to open.

Oh yes and the very best thing about this office

move? I almost forgot – how could I?! We get 2 whole days off paid while they do it!! We’re closed for business from 5pm next Wednesday until the following Monday morning, result! And that Monday won’t be as bad as others as I’m sure I will spend the majority of my first day arranging my photo’s on my desk, making sure all my post-it notes are in order and trying to find my computer. It’s not nearly as stressful as the last time I moved. But then that was me, my mate a hired transit van, many stairs and 32 degrees of heat.

Absence

Hello! Remember me? Names Nancy, games blogging about weirdo’s. Jog your memory? Building of Hobbit lovers, mumbling crazies and people eating with their mouth open?

A combination of annual leave, illness and the pile of 17 (yes count them) requisitions currently sitting on my desk has kept me away from any serious and important issues such as this blog. It’s a combination of excuses and they may not do to quell the vacant space in your day where you kick back with a mug of tea or a muffin and log on to read of my misfortune, japes and triumphs but frankly it’ll just have to.

And it’ll just have to for one day longer as those 17 contracts (I know – 17!!) aren’t going to write themselves unfortunately. I also have a very panicky and hyperventilating CJ on my hands who seems to be slowly losing the plot….well even more so than normal…and I think I spied a little voodoo doll of Moody on her desk the other day. I’ll use the requisitions to fan her and calm her down. Or maybe knock her out with them. Whichever is more effective.

Promise to try and write this week. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye.

And there’s more…

Found out some more details on Holiday-gate from Kirstie…

Turns out that they don’t know what happened to hubby-dearest, they are only assuming his injuries came from falling down some stairs as he was on his own at the time and he can’t remember a thing. Last thing he remembers was having a few beers at dinner and then the next thing he’s waking up the next day with a very pissed off Kirstie standing next to him, arms folded, foot tapping and saying “What the fuck did you do? Everyone hates you!”

From listening to the details we have between us come to the assumption it was some kind of drugging via his drink. He was swearing and picking fights with her family (Kirstie saw none of this as she was out with her Mum and sister that night), told his father in law to “suck his balls”, threw stuff around and then disappeared. Came back to the hotel later covered in blood with aforementioned injuries and then wandered up and down the hotel punching walls. Kirstie came home and found a bathroom covered in blood and a smashed painting and went into her Mum’s room where she heard what had happened. She found hubby in the spa/pool area being accosted by security. He then came back upstairs and wouldn’t go to bed and was shouting and swearing and pacing about and then got into bed and threw up on the floor 3 times. Woke up the next day with no clue at all.

Potentially one of the worst holiday nights from hell I have heard first hand from someone.

I also got out of her how she was the one who had it all kick off and lead to her sister not talking to her….

So most of the family were in quite a big mood with hubby for his evenings escapades even though he apologised profusely and Kirstie stuck up for him claiming he never acts like that – which apparently he doesn’t. So Kirstie goes into speak to her brother about what arseholes they are all being and not knowing that her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown and has serious mental problems (Mum thought it best not to worry people), lets slip that their sisters husband cheated on her sis last year. Brother in his “I’m a mental person now” state of mind threatens to “stab him on the boat tomorrow” and starts kicking off. After 2 hours of Kirstie and hubby talking him down and making him promise not to say anything they go to bed. 20 minutes later her sister comes crashing into the room shouting “I can’t believe you told him!” Hmmm, don’t think he kept that promise….

Brother gets on plane and goes back home and has not been heard from since.

Meanwhile sister’s cheating hubby is not speaking to Kirstie and her hubs “ever again!” and warns his kids off them too. So now everyone hates everyone and their crazy brother is missing and hubs is in hospital with seeping wounds.

Since they got back Kirstie has made it up with her sister a bit but the other half is still refusing to talk to her (no loss it seems) but they still don’t know where her brother has gone.

So if you think you have had the odd family holiday trauma, think again people – I’m putting this one forward for the next series of “Holidays from Hell”!

Back to work for a relaxing break

Kirstie is back!! Yay! Finally some life back in the office and someone to talk to and avoid work with! She’s been in Thailand for 2 weeks with her family so I haven’t seen her since before Christmas. It’s been so quiet in the office (actually a lot of people commented on that in relation to her absence…) and I’ve missed her and the banter, lewd comments, big unexpected belches and gawping at her extravagant on-line purchases. The latter part will all change now though as she has come over to the dark side, otherwise known as….staff. This has included a bit of a pay cut so she’s been griping about that already. I’m going to have to teach her how to budget and manage on a week’s worth of lunches for £3.40.

Whilst Kirstie has been on sunnier shores (and they were, I’ve seen the tan lines and her peeling breasts – don’t ask) I have been a mini-replacement Kirstie and asked a multitude of questions and queries, 78% of which I couldn’t answer. So in truth I’ve been a bit of a shit replacement, but I tried my best. I booked taxis, parking spaces and rooms and chased Moon Monkey into meetings. She has been missed by many and finally the Moon Man knows where he’s meant to be and when.

Her holiday by all accounts doesn’t sound like the best on record. Kirstie was meant to be back in work yesterday originally but she called me in the morning to say she wouldn’t be making it in due to the injuries her husband sustained on holiday.

“Were they drinking related injuries?”

“Sigh. Yes they were. And he’s very badly sunburnt – I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. ”

Oh dear.

I was regaled with the full story this morning. Kirstie’s hubby managed to hurl himself down a flight of steps in a drunken stupor on the 2^nd night out of a 2 week holiday. They took him to hospital where he discovered he had broken his arm up near the elbow. He’d also smashed his face up and had 2 massive gouges taken out of his legs (by the stairs not by the hospital…) Good start to the holiday. Then in the second week they both managed to burn themselves on a day that was overcast and they didn’t put on any sunscreen. Slow hand clap for the Australian and lack of sun tan lotion application. Then the day after that they went on a boat trip and hubby decided to do the same again with no top on.

So yesterday for Kirstie was spent in A&E with a doctor raising his eyebrows as he prescribed some pain killers and saying “you do know there is stuff you can buy to prevent sun burn don’t you?” Got to love that medical humour. Also turns out he has celulitis (spelling?!?) which is the infection of the scars on his legs.

Today hubby was left at home with a scarred face, broken arm, blistering 1^st degree burns and pussing legs. And who says holidays aren’t good for you?

As well as the physical injuries sustained there was also some falling out amongst the family. Kirstie’s brother had a mental breakdown and had to be sent home half way through the holiday and then something else happened (she hasn’t elaborated on what as yet) which meant that her sister stopped talking to her on the 2^nd day of the holiday and is still not talking to her.

“Well at least your Mum enjoyed herself right?”

Nope, Ma was too stressed and worried about the son and the son in law crippling himself after one too many beers and the squabbling sisters.

“Ah….”

In Kirstie’s words it was in some parts an amazing holiday (oh I forgot to mention there were a lot of very cool things they did too and the sister bashing meant that her and hubby actually got to go off and do what they wanted to) and some parts a horrendous holiday from hell. She looks far from relaxed, put it that way. And she actually is glad to be back in this place which is also very worrying. Perhaps that’s what coming over to the dark side does to you?

Paper trails, trials and tribulations

So Moody has departed our rainy shores for probably just as rainy ones in NZ. And in his wake he has left a nice pile of chaos for poor old CJ. I didn’t realise how bad this actually was until our weekly meeting with Tiny from IS yesterday when she turned up with a pile of papers bigger than Tiny. We joked as we entered the meeting room that they were all of the contracts she was bringing in to discuss……oh they really are? Oh dear.

After a 2 hour hand over meeting on Friday poor old CJ (and you won’t hear me say that very often and I’ve already said it twice in this blog so you understand the extremity of the situation) was left with a trail of papers, emails and unfinished contracts that could take her quite a time to sort out. She may actually have to come into the office for a full week! Shocking! Moody has failed to file any emails, they all still sit in his in-box, he hasn’t even filed them in Outlook. I’m talking about a substantial amount of emails as well, verging on the thousands. It’s ok though because he’s printed them all off so you can spend your time trawling through the remains of the rainforest for that one key contact.

We begin our meeting which normally consists of Tiny running through all the outstanding contracts. Today her tone seems rather more agitated than usual and I get the impression she’s using the absence of Moody to vent a bit. It’s understandable though as the first on her list was 15 months over due. Ahem. The second….12 months with 5 outstanding orders against it. Right, er what exactly was Moody doing with his time? CJ jumped in to defend the Kiwi by saying that in the handover meeting he had sighed a lot and muttered “this is very embarrassing…I really should have done these by now” You think? I mean I know we can be lax about the deadlines round here but you’re pushing a year and a half on this one mate.

You can imagine what this kind of pressure has done to CJ, the sighing and head holding has increased ten fold and there was an exorbitant amount of speech marks gesturing going on. To the point that sometimes she’d go to do it and stop herself because even she realised it wasn’t necessary. Stress levels on the increase and rising…watch this space for news of explosions.

I discovered that we have a Moody replacement starting on the 14^th of February, a female replacement in fact, which wasn’t expected in this male dominated environment. Tiny has the new starter forms for her and CJ had had to go to HR to ask about it. One of the guys who sits behind her was on the interview panel so she asked him and he was very vague about it all. So what background does she have? Er I dunno…. But you interviewed her!? Why is it like the flippin’ secret service round here when it comes to new staff? The first thing we hear about it is when Harley walks up to introduce them in person to you and you’re shaking their hand. I’m intrigued to see how CJ handles a new lady on her domain (careful), I don’t think she’ll like it, I think there may be claws and handbags and some peeing on the furniture going on. Oh I do look forward to that. At the moment she’s lucky to have placid old Moody who lets her obnoxious comments and bare faced rudeness go over his head but I’m not sure a woman would let it slide. Well I hope she doesn't.

A flustered and stressed CJ emerged from the meeting room 40 minutes later with a list of priorities that have suddenly become hers. She disappeared for the afternoon and I haven’t seen her since. Maybe her car broke down. Or she broke down in her car?

Old habits die hard

I’m slipping back into old habits….today my day has mainly consisted of planning my work around my social life and other far more pressing items. I think I have spent at least 80% of the day on non-work related matters. Part of this is down to it being a Friday (naturally), partly because I have very little to do and partly because I just can’t be arsed. Here we go again, falling into the abyss of doing jack-shit and watching my brain slide off the table….

Hopefully things will pick up again next week and I’ll get back into the swing of it. It’s Moody’s last day officially today but he’s off to New Zealand for 3 weeks and then coming back for a bit so unofficially it’s not. I have 70 odd quid burning a hole in my desk draw to go out and buy him something nice from the collection we had. No idea what to get him, probably end up being some wine. Ms Rigsby was delegated the collection duties because…ahem…I was busy and she’s also taken it upon herself to bring in a wine guide and some advice from her parents today! Well top marks for enthusiasm. And enthusiasm about wine? I like this girl more and more!

Anyhoo, with Moody out the picture that means I’ll be getting most of the work as CJ will probably be snowed in/working from home – sorry I mean “working form home”/off sick/having car problems/being generally retarded. So it’ll pick up and I’ll pick my ebbing brain back up of the desk and start to use it again.

Actually it’s been quite nice to get back to the doing nothing for a few days – as long as it doesn’t stick around.

Worries me this fervour for work, what is going on? Gunner has gone and got himself a laptop and Blackberry as well – WTF?! I can’t even remember the last time we went to the pub on a Friday – scandalous! Something must be done about this; I will get on to it next week and make it a priority. Perhaps a meeting should be called to discuss the ever increasing practice of work and the ever decreasing drinking at lunch time. I’m sure if I highlighted these issues then Gunner and Ginger and everyone would realise how serious it has become and immediately call an end to the meeting and head down the boozer. Tip top. Yes, I think its for the best.

Right, in the meantime my priorities lie with an enormous dish of lasagne in the Woking area so I must dash. Until Monday….

The “Meeting”

Happy New Year peeps, all the best for 2011 and so on and so forth. How’s it been so far? Mine’s been expensive and work-wise it’s been a bit dull. No New Year shenanigans to report from anyone here - quite tame and low key by all standards and it’s taking some time to hot up again in the office. People are still away, half asleep or not bothering to do any work this week as they struggle to get to terms with being up at 7am again and having to wear something that isn’t their dressing gown or eat 5 meals a day in front of the telly. As you know I was in last week so I’m not suffering from the same symptoms but I will admit to not bothering to do any work. I’ve got little to do but even that has become a chore.

I know I know I’m never happy. I’m too busy and then I’m not busy enough! Actually I am enjoying these few days of peace as the proverbial will hit the fan next week with more shat coming in for us to do. Plus Moody officially leaves on Friday. Unofficially he’s off on holiday and then coming back for 3 weeks to do a handover to CJ and his replacement. By ‘handover’ read throwing it all into a room with a live grenade, shutting the door and walking away. CJ is freaking out to say the least. I hope to be able to sit back and watch the explosions with very little chance of any shrapnel injury.

I had a meeting with CJ and Moody today – it was our weekly catch up with the lady from IS. She’s pretty tiny but she’s also quite strong willed and feisty and I can imagine she gets what she wants all the time. She’s also very nice to boot so I like working with her as she is normal, competent and friendly – a rare combination in this place. She has this amazing skill of speaking at length and very coherently about anything whilst simultaneously creating these mad doodles on her note pad. She is the kind of person who likes to draw as she explains, so people will become boxes or bubbles and then their actions will become arrows or wavy lines, when you look back at it it makes no sense on it’s own but its helped her explanation. It always fascinates me and I must look like a right weirdo staring at her as she sketches the Eiffel Tower whilst chatting about various accounts. Tiny is also good at putting Moody in his place or cutting his rants short which is always welcome in a meeting that is already running over an hour.

Moody seemed quite chilled, probably because he knows he is buggering off soon and he had a kind of half smirk on his face every time he mentioned off loading something on to CJ. This resulted in a lot of sighing and “oh’s” from CJ’s corner – I don’t think she is in the least ready to take on his work and will either flounder or burst into flames when the time comes.

CJ was doing that speech marks thing she does in meetings. Actually she does it all the time, even in every day conversation not about work. I was noting down what words she used them on:

“uniquely”

“contract”

“stand alone”

“consultant”

“size” (when talking about the company)

“out of control”

So CJ you’re saying that it’s not really unique, the contract doesn’t really exist, you’re lying and it’s not stand-alone it’s something else, the consultant is imaginary, the size of our company is – well what the feck are you saying about the size of our company? That makes no sense in that context?! What I do know is that we are out of control though so get rid of those damn speech marks. She also used it when saying a company name – er so that company isn’t real then? We are doing business with them and spending an awful lot of money you know. Stupid cow. I think it’s become some kind of nervous twitch with her, her hands just jut up into the air and out come the fingers. She also dips her head when she does it and pauses slightly before saying the word.

“So this…”contract” has to be signed before….”year end”…”

Yes it does. All of what you have just said is fact so why with the BLOODY SPEECH MARKS?!

Maybe she used to work for the News of the World prior to this job? If we have a birthday card for her go round then I’m going to put in it “Happy Birthday” CJ and see if she comments.

Nothing else of note to report, things continue as normal(ish) and the cleaners still continue to be baffled by my hat Kirstie made me.

That is all.