Andre

Friday, quiet day, not a heck of a lot going on day. However, as I was mulling over what I could write to you nice people about I realised that Andre has been unusually chatty since she got in and I have learnt some new and wonderful facts about her I felt should be shared with the cyber world (well all 3 of you who are tuning in anyway). She started talking literally the moment she stepped into the office and hasn’t shut up since. I’m not complaining, it’s all rather entertaining and breaks up the tedium of the day as I wait for 4.30pm to crawl round.

First things first Andre marches up to Ginger as she walks in, cape billowing behind her (fastened might I add with a very fetching gold LoTR style broach in the shape of a leaf) which she does very well to her credit. She starts blabbering on about this company talk we were invited to go to on Wednesday in the bar (you’ll be shocked to hear I didn’t attend and wasn’t too interested in the 2009 year results, plus the fact it went on until 30 minutes after I’d left the office) and what the CEO was saying. Apparently he advised everyone to “go out and buy some outlandish clothing or sleep on the other side of the bed” to inspire creativity in the work place – it was all very amusing so she says. So she has listened closely to our great leader and indeed gone out to get herself some outlandish clothing. This is in the shape of some garish silk item that will be made into an outfit for a dinner party this weekend. Nice on Andre, McQueen would be proud.

From Donna’s reaction the other side of my partition I can tell she’s gone to town with the outlandish side of things. Then she wanders round to her desk, which incidentally is now directly behind mine as she moved to be ‘warmer’, and says she has found the best thing to relieve stress. Er, ok. I am genuinely concerned as to what she will pull out of her Wimbledon 2003 holdall right now. But don’t worry, it’s one of those stress toys in the shape of The Stig from Top Gear – phew!! Actually it’s quite cool and she lets me have a squeeze before he takes pride of place next to the Sydney Swans garden gnome on her desk.

Ginger lingers over to see what we’re laughing at as Andre pushes the Stig into fairly risqué positions and starts asking about this CEO presentation again. She says she might try sleeping on the other side of the bed and Andre pipes up with how she has to sleep with room for her left arm to be up and free of the covers as it’s her “fighting arm”. ‘Scuse me? “I fight best with my left arm”. Really? And who are you imagining you will be in full combat with in the middle of the night, living with your mother in a semi in Acton? Ginger always likes to fuel these conversations though and so somehow we lead on to “and I can sleep with an open pen knife in my hand without cutting the sheets to ribbons”. OK Ginger, deal with this one then. “Do you not end up cutting yourself in your sleep?” – “No I sleep with my hand under my pillow and the knife in my hand”. Now I’m too curious – “Er so do you often feel the need to sleep armed?” – “well if you’re staying in student accommodation or hostels it can be quite dangerous.” Yeah, I’d imagine so if you’re wielding knives around in your sleep!!

It’s 9.25am and so far I have learnt that Andre has a nice new garish outfit for the weekend, loves all things Top Gear, fights best with her left arm and can and will sleep with an open pen knife under her pillow.

Lunch time comes round and I bump into her in the canteen as I’m trying to decide what to get. On returning to my desk I enquire about her choice of food and it’s “just a jacket potato and butter I’m afraid, very boring”. I’m not sure if I have mentioned it before but Andre can’t eat anything. Her diet mainly consists of very dull foods like potato and also for some reason a lot of crisps (I guess that’s potato too), KitKats and bottles of coke. Turns out she is allergic to practically everything; it’s some kind of E number agent thing that appears in all food on the planet except potatoes. Or something like that anyway. She’s also allergic to something that is in most clothing and so has to have a lot of her own hand made ‘specially (ahhhh that explains the tailor, although I think I would go for a nice jumper over a 12th century style dressing gown). She points out her jeans and says “I had to have these made!” which I find odd as I assumed the reason all her trousers were about 3 inches too short on the leg was because she couldn’t find ones that fitted her enormous height. Seriously her trousers end before her white socks begin, it’s like they’ve had an argument with her shoes.

For those of you with food allergies I do sympathise, I’m lucky enough to be able to shove anything down my gullet without hyperventilating or vomiting. You may like to know that this weekend there is an Allergies road show at Olympia and if you head down you may even catch a glimpse of Andre joining the Anaphylactic Society.

We’ve also just had a conversation about an article in the Daily Mail saying there was a massive Viking burial site found this week in the UK. She’s agreeing with most of the article but isn’t sure about where their evidence lies in stating that there was an ‘audience’ to this battle. She’s concerned about it, I told her not to be as it wouldn’t be the first time the Daily Mail has lied to its readers. None the less she’s got a colour photocopy to take home with her. Could be a good talking point at the dinner party this weekend when she’s wearing her new silk frock, avoiding eating anything but potatoes and heading home at the end of the night to tuck herself in with a Swiss army knife.

Night, night Andre.