Fisty cuffs and missing managers

Moon Monkey has been talking about organising some kind of departmental outing. Details yet to be finalised, it was something thrown into a conversation he was having with Kirstie and asking her to organise it. She said he just had to say the word so he said “word” (such a card that monkey) and she said “alright then” but it’s as far as it got. It could be drinks, it could be lunch, it could be dinner, it could be a take away KFC in the office, we’re all just simply on tenterhooks waiting to find out! Kirstie can’t really do anything further until Moon Monkey actually divulges what he means by ‘outing’ (you never know he could be planning to drag all the gays in the office out of the closet) as he is the one who holdeth ye worshipful company credit card and shall payeth for all to get drunk and be merry.

As a department we do enjoy a good old shin dig and being here a wee while now I have witnessed one or two. As you can probably tell by the Friday lunch times we like a drink and we like not to be in the office working so the two naturally go hand in hand for an office party. It’s quite a mixed bunch of people here (I’m sure you have gathered that by now) although predominantly male and predominantly old and middle class, so the drinking often turns into a competition or something to prove how much of an ‘old lad’ you are. In this industry even if you’re the biggest twat going, if you can drink someone under the table then you’re a good egg in their books. So when we do saunter out on a social the food tends to be a by product of the evening and you can guarantee the main part of the bill will be for beverages. Yes, we are a bunch of piss heads.

This tends to lead to some fairly interesting and eventful evenings that often lead their way back to the office (or not and get lost along the road) the next morning as we stumble in and gossip starts to spread. For example, the year before last our Christmas bash actually ended up as that and fists were flung on several occasions. One woman smacked the glasses off one of the IT geeks in a drunken brawl about her mother and the same IT geek steadily got more and more wasted and ended up in a stand up row with a Scotsman when he started joking around (as you do) about being a terrorist. You’ll be surprised to hear that we were asked to leave that pub in the end and at that point the party was well and truly over.

Well what do you expect when you start giving alcohol to pent up, frustrated and over worked employees at midday? I think we got kicked out at about 8pm and I’m amazed they put up with it for that long.

For the last department shin dig we had people visiting from other offices at the time so they tagged along. 34 of us in all, taking up the majority of this small restaurant on the high street (I did feel sorry for the couple who had attempted to sit down for a romantic lunch), 3 courses each and mucho drink being served. We started at 1pm and had finished the meal and moved to the bar by 5pm. As is always the way I got stuck talking to some of the crusties about the illustrious industry, how it was in the old days and how their breed was dying out – all the time having red wine fumes breathed on me and searching for the nearest exit. Ginger and Kirstie stood across the room laughing and pointing and not willing to rescue me in case they got pulled in as well (bastards) and then they left. So far it had been a pretty uneventful evening and I was now bored so I decided to head home too.

The next morning it transpires that a bunch of them went on to another pub and continued until the wee small hours. Gunner remembers seeing the IT Geek dancing on the bar, one of the crusties I had been talking to slumped on the floor after he fell off a bar stool and another attempting to chat up a lady. He can’t be sure though, it’s all a bit hazy. As the day at work wears on and people filter in it becomes clear that we’ve lost a manager. He’s in from another office and meant to be on some training course, no one can get hold of him and his mobile is switched off. By the afternoon people are getting worried, although I’m not sure why, he’s old and ugly enough to look after himself. Someone checks with his hotel who say his bed hasn’t been slept in and he didn’t have any breakfast. Oooooh, now it’s getting interesting! Someone says they saw him leaving the hotel bar at 2am but that’s the last sighting.

Now we’re ringing round hospitals and the police, still slightly over zealous I think but hey, anything for a drama! Still nothing and a couple of the old dudes have been to check his hotel room. Doesn’t look like the bed’s been slept in and his coat and things were still there…..

By 5pm he’s still not found and I’m off home, I hope he’s okay but I’m not hanging about.

Now I know you’re all hoping for some huge scandal of epic proportions! He was out all night doing crystal meth with a bunch of transsexual hookers or got on a plane to Bangladesh or was abducted by aliens or passed out cold in the park and mistaken for a homeless man?! Sorry to disappoint but he turned up shortly after I’d left work. Claiming he did sleep in the hotel, woke up late, left his phone charger in the office and wasn’t planning to come into work so went for a walk. Hmmmmm. We’re not so sure. The next day when he did come in he couldn’t look anyone in the eye and any time it was mentioned changed the subject - embarrassed or something to hide? You decide. It’s all a bit shifty for my liking though and we’ve had far more fun making up our own possible scenarios anyway. Definitely something to hide there but I’m not sure we’ll ever know what it was.