I’m Fiona Bruce…

Happy Monday people. Hip hip hoorah an’ all that.

I’m actually not in the best of states today, for reasons beyond my control (well probably within but vodka and the thought of 2 buses home clouds that sometimes) I am unwashed, in yesterday’s clothes (which as you can imagine are not standard wear for a Monday in the corporate world) have had about an hours sleep, slept in a bed that smelt of B.O. and smoke in said clothes and therefore now smell and look like a tramp and have the attention span of a goldfish. This all said I did manage to drag my weary arse into work on time so that’s something I guess. No one has mentioned my attire, or the fact I smell like – god what do I smell of? It’s not good whatever it is. Definite hobo aroma. I am being allowed to spend the working hours sat here staring into space and writing the odd email without interruption. Thankfully I have tomorrow off work so maybe by Wednesday I’ll have got my shiz together again.

This kind of behaviour is harking back to last summer when I went through a spate of being ridiculously late in for work and constantly hung over. I was temping at the time so time keeping was more of my control (you don’t work the hours you don’t get paid) and most people seemed to find the hangovers amusing more than anything. It did get to the point where if I was late in for a reason other than previous night’s drinking or just a bit quiet that day I’d get accused of being on the lash again. Seemed to build myself a bit of a reputation and probably well deserved.

This could be why no one has quizzed me over the jeans and jumper and why I look like shit on a stick. They’re all so used to it they are more likely to ask me if I’m ok when I come in looking healthy! Hmmmmmm, reassessment of lifestyle imminent….

The headlines from the crazy house today aren’t that much more interesting than last weeks I’m afraid. Our top stories so far:

DONG

Hay fever outbreak amongst ‘normals’!
Both Ginger and Gunner are suffering badly today from the rising pollen count, symptoms include sniffing, sneezing, coughing and watery eyes. Gunner is sounding particularly bad and has affected the ‘man flu’ stance to combat the situation. Tissues and anti-histamine stat.

DONG

CJ in work by 10.09am!
Some excuse bandied about which involved her car for a change. Most office members ignore and raise an eyebrow. Moody starts to quiz her on her whereabouts and wind up ensues. Nancy keeps her head down to avoid any eye contact or chance of conversation – more on this later.

DONG

Kirstie close to lamping Moon Monkey!
After the huge task of booking Moon Monkey, his wife and baby monkey on a flight for Sunday night (sounds straight forward but he made sure this wasn’t so) Kirstie returns to work this morning to discover he had neglected to tell her his wife has a different last name to him. Kirstie holds tongue and fists and offers up the advice that maybe he could have mentioned this previously. So far violence has not broken out but you can feel the tension in the air and the monkey is restless.

DONG

Employee falls asleep at desk!
Staff at a high profile, corporate company are wondering what that smell is and why a devoted colleague has collapsed at their desk today. Initial reports suggest the smell could have been the cause of the fainting episode. The police, ambulance and Rentokil have been called in.

More on these stories and other fascinating tales when you join me again on Wednesday.