“Do you have bowling shoes in a size 15 with Elvin markings?”

Apparently HR has told Kirstie that our department are allocated £600 a head to allow for a 2 day ‘team building’ event of whatever description. Now I know that HR are probably thinking along the lines of some tedious conference or one of those bonding weekends in Devon where you have to do trust exercises (no way in hell I’m catching Andre!), put together displays about the key skills of working in a team and do some * shudder * role play….. However, I think that Kirstie is now hell bent on seeing if we can manage to spend this £600 a head on bowling games and food and drink.

I for one am all up for this splendid plan, although I’d hope she wouldn’t be expecting us to play 40 games of bowling and would steer more towards the food and drink for the majority of the cost. You know what it’s like when a big group of people bowl, after the 2nd game everyone gets a bit bored and uninterested and starts chucking bowling balls down the lane willy nilly just to finish it off. I did point this out after Kirstie was planning on booking 4 games! Unfortunately I was with her and Gunner at the time and it appears that they love bowling so it might stretch to 3. I for one will be asking the bowling staff to keep a tally of my own personal spending to see how close I can get to the £600 mark and then asking for anything I don’t spend in cash. £600 is more than I earn in a week – maybe I should ask if I can skip the bowling and just take the money?

It would mean that I get to avoid having to socialise with the people I work with. I’ve done the social thing in previous jobs but for some reason, and you’ll be shocked to hear this, I haven’t really done so in this one. I’m not sure why, I just don’t seem to get on with some of them and have nothing in common with the remainder…… I am partly dreading this bowling night, having to spend several hours beyond my working day with these freaks playing a sport that involves some interaction and social skills isn’t the first entry of my calendar for April. On the flip side though I am incredibly curious to see how it all pans out and what these people are like at bowling. Prior to this we’ve only spent any ‘social’ time round a dinner table or in a bar so an activity that means they have to potentially make themselves look like a prick or admit they can’t bowl for shit will be interesting.

If I were to predict what some of my colleagues will be like that evening then I’d say CJ would be incredibly competitive and stay sober the entire evening just so she’s ‘on her game’. Plus of course she’ll have to make the terribly long journey home afterwards so I expect she’ll be driving and therefore staying on the OJ’s. Whether she can actually bowl would be by the by, it would be her determination to show everyone up and boast as to how she was in the company bowling league at her last job who (of course) were so much better than us. Moody would have a few wines and loosen up a bit but would keep on missing his turn because he’d be chatting to another one of the crusties about ‘the good old days’ and how the bowling lanes in New Zealand are so much better. Harley would be a good but absent minded bowler and I think he’d kick his leg out every time he bowled thinking he’s a character out of King Pin, he’d also be ready to hand out advice to everyone on their technique.

Andre can’t bowl. I’m not commenting on her bowling skills either, I’m stating fact. She has said she can’t bowl because of a shoulder injury so she will be sat watching and probably cheering everyone on. She’ll be sat in the chair in front of the computer that controls all the scores and shouting out people’s names when it’s their turn. She doesn’t drink but then do you need to if you’re Andre? We might have a problem getting some shoes in her size though. I think she’ll probably have a good night and enjoy herself immensely.

I’d take a guess that Gunner is a pretty good bowler and he’s already said he’ll be practicing on his Wii before hand. Although the gradual build up of ciders will eventually make his game falter and scores drop. He’ll carry on regardless though and be the person taking other people’s goes when they lose interest. I bet he has a celebratory dance for when he gets a strike too. Kirstie will be busy organising everyone and making sure everyone has a lane and a ball and the right shoes and a drink in their hand and is having fun. She’ll try and enjoy the night but the PA in her will take over and she’ll take charge and then whinge about it afterwards. A shit bowler who eventually has to use the little frame disabled kids use to help them bowl. Ginger might not even make it; she’s not very good at socialising with people outside her family. If she does come then she’ll have left by 8pm or the earliest opportunity to get home to her kids – all very sweet but personally if that were me I’d use any opportunity to have a night away from them.

Saffa may or may not come, again with the crap at work social thing. If she does it’s hit or miss as to whether she’ll drive as she also lives in the arse end of no where like CJ (but somehow manages to make it in on time most days without the slightest whinge) and therefore if she will drink. If she doesn’t then she’ll be pretty quiet to start and maybe warm into conversation later on, she’ll enjoy the bowling and spend the night making un-funny jokes (she’s not got the knack for comedy). If she does drink then she will loosen up very quickly, bowl with some hysterical kind of style (but still be good), be loud, make crap jokes – but loudly – and then at the end of the evening when we’re all in the bar she’ll start crying about something. At which point Kirstie and I will jump in and find out as much as we can about this mysterious blonde, flower giving lover of hers….

Moon Monkey will start off all very formal and professional, too scared that any of his plebs might think him capable of having fun. He’ll be in a suit of course and then after a few drinks the tie will come off and he’ll unbutton his shirt at the top. Then the “YESSSSS!” shouts will start up when he knocks all them pins down and his moon face will get all red and sweaty. He’ll probably win a few games and have taken bowling lessons professionally before hand so he doesn’t look like a chimp in front of us all. Eventually he’ll get pretty wasted and say some embarrassing things and offer people pay rises and we will have to put him in a cab back home and it will be brilliant.

I’m sure that I’m way off kilter and it’ll in fact be a boring night where no one gets that drunk, people moan about the bowling, I get stuck talking to old men about ‘the good old days’ and Moon Monkey puts a stop to the bar tab at 9pm.

Nah! I’m still holding out for drunken Grease re-enactments, the best celebratory dances you’ve ever seen and tears before bed time. Oh and of course the obligatory missing manager the following morning. Bring on the bowling!!