“I am really exciting”

I may have mentioned before in a wholly detrimental fashion that part of my job is data entry. I spend some time each week putting information about different companies into a ruddy useless database that no one actually accesses as yet. It’s time consuming, boring, tedious, mind numbing and makes me want to cry sometimes. People forward emails, phone calls and brochures to me, all the unwanted shit mail they don’t want to deal with and yours truly has been put in charge of sorting through. So I use the details I need and send a polite message back to the company telling them their information is now in our database (omitting the fact that no one actually uses it) and thank you kindly for your email. Job done. Now I’ve been at this a few months however, it means that those hard arsed sellers have started to reply to this generic email, thinking I am their way in, their key to commission, their foot in the door. How wrong they are. I know nothing about their enquires as I have yet to be trained in any way, shape or from to respond to these and know not what the heck they are talking about - so I am afraid I can’t help you caller. Luckily I have been trained to a fairly high level in the art of bullshit and so can fob most of them off.

Many of these emails and enquiries come from overseas, from countries where English is not their 1st language and they do struggle to get their point across. I’m not mocking them (well not yet, read on and then the mocking starts), I can’t claim to be able to speak Chinese or Afrikaans or Hindu, in fact sometimes I barely manage the English, but their attempts at translations do bring a light relief in to what is otherwise a pointless and soul destroying task. This afternoon I spent 10 minutes trying to simply spell out the email address to one guy on the end of a crackling phone line, only to be called back later as he still didn’t have it down right. “So that’s B for Beta” – “No, D for er, Dog” – “B for Bug?”…… He was apologising the whole way through and I told him not to worry as often the people who call me from High Wycombe can’t spell it either.

It’s the emails that make me chuckle the most, here are a couple of the top quotes for you:

“We have at a professional Engineer to simple technical assistant in all domains.”

“Ours objectives is facility your business development.”

“Good afternoon Bernard” – I’m sorry who now?

“Many thanks for your email & expeditious reply.” – all right luv, calm down it’s just a generic email

“May I have this email to be communicated with the Managers for should any requirement arise?“

“I am write to hope we can establish business cooperation in the near future.”

“Attached a peep through the window to our company and some of the services we render.”

“We would really appreciate it if you would be so kind as to consider us in your process of obtaining quotations and estimated and grant us the oppertunity to submit our quotations on our servies as your company and your valued clients might need.” – ever heard of spell check?

“Dear ladies and sirs”

“Long time no hearing from you, so how are you?”

“PLS FIND ATTACHED A RESUME OF OUR ACTIVITIES IN ALL MAJOR PORTS , WE WILL BE ONLY PLSD TO PROVIDE TO YOUR ESTEEMED CY THE BEST SERVICES AT A VERY COMPETITIVES PRICE.” – STOP SHOUTING AT ME!

“We take this profound pleasure in introducing ourselves as one of the major stockiest and suppliers”

“I am really exciting.” – are you now?

And one of my favourites: “So long you have not send mail to me ,I miss you in my mail !”

Awwww. How nice.