Come back CJ all is forgiven

Right then, I’m back, on form and no where near a bar or netball court so all is good so far today. There’s quite a lot to catch you up on (I have a feeling this may be a 2 parter – ooh sequels!) so make yourself a cuppa, get comfy and read on….

If you cast your mind back to a few weeks ago you’ll know that there was much to-ing and fro-ing about my training dates and fellow trainee colleagues. At one point I was in a nice group with Ginger and Gunner and sane people and then I was in one with Saffa and then she dropped out and it would have been me and Harley and that Dickface and then it was changed again and I was with CJ and then Kirstie moved me to the non-CJ group. However, little did we know that this was a bad, bad move and by the end of 2 ½ days we would both be ready to commit GBH or worse and welcome CJ back into any training group with open arms. Yes it was that bad.

The group I ended up in was me, Kirstie, Moody, The Little Scottish Guy (LSG) and this guy who I luckily don’t have to work with on a daily basis. He’s an old bloke, totally old school industry, doesn’t like change, thinks his way is the best way and everyone else is wrong. The kind of person who will moan about everything and anything and if there’s nothing there to moan about he’ll create something. Even if you handed him the best situation in the world ever he’d find something wrong with it and tell you about it. And he’d go on and on and on and on…… I’m not sure what to call him as I’d like to call him a lot of rude words but the name Twatheadarseholeshitforbrains is a bit hard to write out again and again and I don’t want to come across as being too potty mouthed. We’ll call him ‘Tard as that is what he was, a complete retarded numpty moaning old fart.

Now you know who I have to deal with you’ll follow me over to the small, windowless training room on Monday morning. Our 2 trainers (poor guys) have gone to a lot of effort to put together training packs and a training system and try and work out a well balanced course. It all starts off ok until we start delving into this new database thingy. ‘Tard begins his first grumble about the system and trainer 1 combats this quite well managing to shut him up quickly. However, as the day progresses things get worse and worse and the trainers get more and more exasperated. Half the problem is that ‘Tard isn’t listening properly or hasn’t understood what they are saying so most of his arguments are redundant anyway. You can’t tell him that though, god forbid, you’d be wrong of course.

By break 1 me and Kirstie are seething and want to go back to our desks now please. Or maybe just eject ‘Tard from the training course? Evict him, let him go, paid redundancy maybe? It’s for the best. By lunch I am considering moving on to physical violence as it seems that would be the only way to get through to him. By the afternoon trainer 1 has had enough and asks if the conversation could be left until after the training as we need to move on. It’s all come down to some terminology that they are using in the system (just in the system, nothing outside the system changes and it’s internal and for recording information – get over it) that is different to what we use now. Trainer 1 offers to have a meeting about it after the course – “well what’s the point you won’t change it anyway” replies ‘Tard. It’s too late, I’m beyond anger now and I can’t help myself.

“SO WHY NOT STOP TALKING ABOUT IT THEN?!”

* tumbleweed *

Moment of silence, apparently LSG’s face was a picture of surprise. Nothing is said, I can feel Kirstie trying to suppress a giggle and the trainer sees his opportunity to move on and get away from this old fart’s whining. Well, I couldn’t help it, he’s lucky I was as polite as I was. Let’s hope he has got the hint.

Oh no it appears he hasn’t.

So imagine 2 ½ days of this. 9am-5pm stuck in this room doing what is already very boring training that’s being made even longer by this obnoxious, arrogant dinosaur’s moaning. He’s fucking rude as well, if I were the trainer I would have asked him to leave by now (this is at 10.30am on day 1) or said something about his attitude. Trainer 1 has the patience of a saint it has to be said. Plus ‘Tard is a complete retard when it comes to the exercises. Again, he’s not listening to anything so as soon as we start it’s “what are we doing?” “how do I log in?” Er you log in just like the last 20 times you have logged in. Seriously, I have known 3 month old kittens with more computer know-how. This again prolongs the training and it takes us 1 hour to do the first exercise which I would have completed in 15 minutes on my own. I know everyone moves at different paces when they’re working on things like this, not everyone is savvy with computers or software or whatever, I get that. What annoyed me beyond the realms of rage was that he was just not even trying to get it and not following instruction when he should. Get the fuck off the BBC news website and listen and then maybe you’d get it you wanker.

This carried on for the rest of the course; he even moaned about the sandwiches we got for the lunch on Tuesday, I thought Kirstie might stab him with a fruit kebab at that point. Then Moody starts joining in in the afternoon on Day 2, jumps right on the bandwagon and before we know it we’re into half hour conversations about god knows what. I switched off. Half the course doesn’t even apply to my role anyway and I have no idea what they are discussing and have no reason to care. I don’t chose to hide my boredom or exasperation of it all and sit colouring in my manual or going through my phone (no feckin’ phone signal down there either?!).

By day 3 I am hung-over, tired and ready to ram my keyboard…hell lets chuck the mouse and VDU in there for good measure…..right up ‘Tard’s arse. I am willing 12.30 onwards but time seems to have stopped, as has the course content again. Oh joy. Kirstie and I are in agreement that training with CJ could no be as painful as this course has been and that if possible we will never have anything to do with ‘Tard again in any way shape or form. Twat, twat, twat. I’m even passing notes to Kirstie like a 13 year old school girl. One of them has an arrow pointing towards him with the words MASSIVE MASSIVE RETARD on it. Unfortunately Kirstie is a big giggler and this starts her off, she’s trying not to but it makes it worse and she’s howling after a few seconds. We even get asked “what’s so funny?” by trainer 2! I am back in French GCSE with Mme Kerland again. My brain is ready to explode over the walls (I’d say windows but as we know there aren’t any) and I’m actually looking forward to getting back to my desk and normal work.

Bad times.

I bumped into ‘Tard in the kitchen this morning and he started asking me what I thought of the course. I chose not to say much as I wasn’t sure where this might lead and I can’t be held accountable for my actions when dealing with toss pots like him. Luckily he got the hint and left with his coffee. I’m sure it wasn’t strong enough though, or hot enough, or had enough milk…..

Sigh. Just even typing about this has got me all tensed up! The rage was at points bordering on uncontrollable. I could go on for hours….oh look I already did!

This rant is over for today. I’m hoping I won’t have reason to rant any more about ‘Tard as I will never have to be in a situation like that again. Next time I’m picking CJ and I’ll sit next to her and even make conversation!

Part 2 shall arrive tomorrow which will mainly involve the reasons for my hangover yesterday. Don’t worry it’s all work related and has many a funny tale – it’s also a lot less ranty and angry. I never can be when alcohols involved.