Spoons, Dickface and pink curlies

Why is it that after an ace weekend Mondays at work always seem even shitter than one after a semi-ace or even below average weekend? And I don’t mean just the come down (from a natural high of course) that kicks in on a Sunday night just before bed time and looms over you as you swipe your pass to the office door the next morning, I mean that once you’re in and at your desk everyone seems to want to throw all forms of faeces your way. Until your desk looks like the monkey enclosure at London Zoo and people are gagging as they pass you.

Today is one such day.

Feeling slightly jaded if I’m honest which doesn’t help matters much, had some fun in the sun yesterday which involved a large amount of alcohol and not enough sun cream. So I arrived in work tired and feeling a little sun stroked and dehydrated. Fired up the computer and straight on to Internet Explorer (of course, priorities right?) to check my email and FaceBook. Internet is crappy. Computer freezes. Computer freezes on an image of me with candy floss sticking out of my jeans to indicate sweet tasting, pink, if not slightly over grown pubic hair. Turn off computer forcibly by ripping plug socket from wall. Check to see no one saw that. Once my computer is finally working at its normal snail rate a reminder pops up for a meeting I have at 10am with CJ.

Oh yes. Sigh. Forgot about that.

It’s in 9 minutes and I haven’t had my banana bread breakfast yet so I engulf that to stop my stomach rumbling and to keep the sickness at bay. This is the meeting I arranged (why did I do that again?) to try and teach CJ what I actually do so that she can stop being so feckin’ lazy when I am on holiday and cover for me with no excuses. It takes about 15 minutes and the whole time she looks disinterested and doesn’t make one note on the subject. I’m sorry is this too beneath you? CJ also enquires about my weekend and so I have to ask about hers. She’s been to a wedding of her friends and it sounds like her mate is just as fun as her, running the wedding with a variety of spreadsheets and schedules. Wow, bet she was a barrel of laughs at the top table.

I manage to fob her off with an “anyway, things to get on with…” and return to the daily drudge. Prior to this meeting a bunch of people had been headed to training on the new system, which Kirstie had organised. No one wants to do this training, it’s boring and run by some big corporate IT company who I won’t name but there aren’t many and Moon Monkey comes from those waters too. Gunner and Ginger are both on today’s which started at 9am. Ginger came running in the door at 8.54am and Gunner was still finishing his breakfast. The training was happening in another building so it was safe to say they were going to be late. Kirstie starts her ranting about people and tardiness “come on you two, get over there!” and is duly ignored. Eventually they leave, still ignoring her as they go. I don’t blame them, she sounds like a fucking head mistress and I want to hit her with the wooden spoon. One of the other guys who is on the training then comes into the office “why aren’t you in training, you’ll be late!” and again when we bump into Jean Brody on our way back from the kitchen “you had better have a good excuse missy!”

Really big wooden spoon. With serrated edges.

My training joy starts on Wed afternoon this week. Originally it was me, Gunner, Saffa, Harley and a couple of other guys from the team. Gunner was moved and the group has for some reason whittled down to 4. Now Saffa is saying she can’t attend as she has a meeting in Norwich on the Thursday.

So that leaves me, Harley and Dickface. Dickface isn’t mentioned much in this blog because luckily he is hardly ever about. He’s an obnoxious prick who is prone to an argument and bitching session more than is necessary. He thinks’ he’s gods gift and will piss anyone off who deals with him. It takes him 2 hours to say anything that would take a normal person 2 minutes to summarise and if you mention his name you’ll get a chorus of groans round the office. At one Christmas party he cornered me and tried to impress me with stories about him and his friendship with Roy Chubby Brown. Wow I’m impressed, no really this is my impressed face, it also bears a very close resemblance to my bored face, my annoyed face and my I couldn’t give a shit face. In a word – twat.

Because there is only the 3 of us in this group and we have 2 external trainers for it Kirstie is keen to try and swap someone else in for Saffa so she’s doing the rounds. Seems everyone has prior arrangements. I’ve already had words with Saffa about leaving me with Dickface and Harley in a badly air-conditioned room with no windows for 2 ½ days. Can it get any worse? Oh hang on, it possibly could because now Kirstie is asking CJ if she will swap. She sitting next to me and without a word of warning asking CJ if she can change her training days. I sit here in disbelief, wondering what I could do to possibly get out of this situation…..maybe break a leg at netball training tonight? Hang on, CJ can’t swap, thank fuck.

I email Kirstie immediately:

From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 19 July 2010 13:37
To: Kirstie
Subject: Why?

Were you about to put CJ on my course?

That would mean I was training with her, Dickface and Harley.

Do you really hate me that much? What have I done to hurt you?

Why, why, why?


I know she’s getting desperate with organising this training and no one wants to do it and everyone wants to swap and people are showing up late but how could she stoop so low – HOW? The wooden spoon is out on the desk.

I shant go on but the day has generally carried on in the same manner, I’m counting down the minutes and hoping Tuesday brings a little less shit and a little more well, just a little less shit is all I can hope for I guess.

One thing that lit up my morning momentarily was the arrival of Moon Monkey into the office (bear with me…) looking decidedly put out. Kirstie enquired as to what was up. Seems that the accommodation he is staying in this week is a bit of a building site. He’s in the show room and they are still building around him. So last night they switched off the electricity and water, he he. Wait it gets better…. Then at 4am this morning they turn the electricity back on which means everything comes on by default – lights, TV, alarms, the whole shabang, hee hee. And the water is still off so he had to come into the office to shower, heeee heee heeee! Kirstie laughed and then stopped laughing when he didn’t join in and then apologised. But when he’d gone back to his desk she started laughing again and me and Gunner joined in. My ribs hurt for a bit after that.