O fair lady if you’ll be so kind

The Face Book stalker has returned. I thought I’d seen the last of him with the “I should have come to my senses a long time ago” message. Let me refresh your memory…

“This song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BioGt4BY-fI&feature=related can express some of the things I wanted to say. However, it is a rather sad song and it might upset you. Beg a pardon for giving you nothing but trouble. Now, I just want to go get a job and get a life.& Thanks, for you have been kind to me in some ways :) so wish you well.”

He wished me well, he fecked off, I slept a little more soundly at night and I was hoping he’d go off and find a nice gal his age and live happily ever after (possibly secretly mourning me in those quiet reflective moments). Then there were a few months of silence and today he sent me a lovely (creepy) poem. I do wonder if he has been spending the 2 months writing this:

‘Love Shyness ss da phrase’

O fair lady if you’ll be so kind
To hear my poem composed to thy
For a tale I am about to describe
Relates to one who’s been stuck in my mind
‘But why do I still memorize?’
‘To keep a doomed wish high?’
Before you ask me ‘Why?’
Let’s turn time back for a while
N’ hear da story from my side: ** ver.2
“I once have some courage
Performed some failed magic
Yet the rewarded was wicked
Cos a blushed face looks fantastic”
So I know it in my heart
And believed in my eyes
She’s a Natural Beauty in Disguise
Now time has fly
Promise could turn into lies
‘Is my hope going to die?’
If so, I’ll be sad and ‘sigh’
Lovesick is a bad sign
Feels like night without stars that shines
Sometimes it makes you cry
Or like me I’ll go and hide
Soon I’ll get sick
But I was never tire
So I tried by and by
But no matter how I tried
The times I’m getting denied
Which makes me even wondered
‘For the reason that I am a guy?’
‘Or age the otherwise?’
They say love is blinded
They say life is complicated
Makes me so frustrated
But no matter what people will say
I just hope dinner is not too late (and Okay)
For I’ve longed for that day
When you and I could date
But to ask you through this way
I know I am still not brave
Don’t know why am I afraid
Even though Jaques say
“All the world's a stage”
Life could merely be a play
If one day I get lucky
You’re willing to take a ride
Give me chance to turn the tide
I will still need some aid
For I am not wise
I miss good opportunities because
I don’t realize
If I missed another chance
I shall go and eat a huge pie
Then go and drink some wine
Forget my belly size
Take a random drive
A brain surgeon I must find
To check the way I am designed
To find out why am I so shy

** ver.2“A mind’s so cunning? Without me knowing
The eyes are dazzling, is what I am dreaming
A face that’s good looking, I can’t help but watching
A smiles that’s bewitching, that’s why I am liking
Her presence is stunning, so I’ll keep on trying”

I particularly like the line “If I missed another chance, I shall go and eat a huge pie” and I’m not sure if being a ‘Natural Beauty in Disguise’ is an insult or compliment. And what about ‘If one day I get lucky, You’re willing to take a ride”? Cheek!

Anyway as hilarious as this is and no one has ever written a poem for me before (yes, yes you may pity me now) it is also incredibly weird and creepy. I mean he told me he was going to go and get a life but clearly he hasn’t, he’s been hauled up in his bedroom with a bunch of poetry books and Jay-Z’s albums scribbling away, thinking I am going to fall at his feet at this ‘romantic’ gesture.

I’m starting to think I need to watch my back again and maybe keep one of the kitchen knives on my bedside table…

So I’ve broken my vow of silence and I have replied this time saying “Please stop emailing me”. I hope he gets the hint, it’ll either stop him or push him over the edge and I’ll be bombarded with more messages I reckon. We shall see. In the meantime I may invest in some mace.

DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU

Some more comedy messages from the database email for you today. It’s one person in particular who calls himself Mr Isibor and is a Chief Consultant no less. I’m guessing Mr Isibor isn’t used to conversing over emails with people from the UK and didn’t get the memo about writing all of his emails in CAPITAL LETTERS. I don’t know about you but when people do that I read it like they are SHOUTING AT ME! So it’s a bit disconcerting, plus the fact that a lot of his sign offs, whether intentionally or not sound like he is threatening me to buy things.

Initially he sent a very short email with no information about the company so I replied asking for various things like an address, telephone number, web site etc. This is what I got in response:


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 05 August 2010 15:57
To: Database
Subject: Re: D2 SCO for POF provider

KINDLY INDICATE IF YOU CAN SUPPLY D2/JP54-PLS SEND YOUR SOFT OFFER FOR IMMEDIATE RESPOND.

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Hmmmm, none of this answers any of my questions. So I again reply to ask for some company info so I can add them to the database. And this was Mr Isbor’s swift reply:


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 06 August 2010 09:23
To: Database
Subject: Re: D2 SCO for POF provider


Dear

Our products list is as following:

(Massive list of products….)

Wish our products will be helpful for your business .Any questions,Welcome here.
=================

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Right, I don’t think he gets it. Tell you what I don’t give enough of a flying fart to carry on with this, I’ll just ignore it and not bother.

But the man is persistent with his random emails so I have been lucky enough to get a few more through since:


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 05 August 2010 16:11
To: Database
Subject: BUYING OFFER (05-08-2010).

FROM THE LAST DEAL OF THIS SEASON.

I received this from a contact. let see if we can work on this withGENUINE procedures.

YOUR PROMPT REPLY IS MOST APPRECIATEDWE NEED:
(Again with the long list of stuff…)

100% IRREVOCABLE ,DIVISIBLE,ASSIGNABLE NON TRANSFERABLE USA CONFIRMEDDOCUMENTARY LETTER OF CREDIT AVAILABLE AT SIGHT AT CONFIRMING BANKCOUNTERS.L/C IS ISSUED AFTER ACCEPTABLE DIREDT RECEIPT OF :1) COPIES VALID ACCEPTABLE POP OF FIRST SHIPMENT .POP MUST INCLUDEINDEPENDENT INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF QUALITY AND QUANTITY.2) INOPERATIVE BANK PB OF FIRST SHIPMENT TO BE MADE OPERATIVE BY USACONFIRMING BANK SAME DAY L/C IS ISSUED.


REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Er yeah ok I’ll send you all those details shall I? Leave me alone man. Oh hang on, he’s back…


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 12 August 2010 15:45
To: Database
Subject: FOR YOUR BUYER'S INTEREST..

THIS IS TO INFORM YOU THAT WE THE SELLER, WE CAN GUARANTEE YOU A ALREADY COMPLETE DEAL. HE IS READY TO PERFORM WITHOUT UPFRONT FEE.

IF BUYER IS NOT OKAY WITH AVAILABLE OFFERS-WE WILL BE WELCOMING TO YOU NEW BUYING REQUEST AND YOU WILL HAVE IT SUCCESSFUL BUT ONLY IF YOU CAN PRESENT BUYER'S LOI/ATB OR CPA FOR LOADED VESSEL. WITH THIS WE HAVE A DEAL.

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


WTF is he going on about? Who is ready to perform without an upfront fee? All sounds a bit dodgy to me. Maybe I should be reporting this to the police…..


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 16 August 2010 13:31
To: Database
Subject: BLCO TTO SPA

ATTACHED IS BLCO OFFER ON TTO FOR INTERESTED BUYER ONLY.SELLER IS READY TO PERFORM WITHOUT UPFRONT FEE.

--

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Again with the upfront fee. And why is he shouting at me?! What did I do wrong?


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 17 August 2010 12:32
To: Database
Subject: UPDATES ON AVAILABLE OFFERS.

THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW THAT SELLER FOR THE "PAL REK" TTO SPA/2 SPAs FORCADOS NAIRA/DOLLAR DEAL/FOB-MIRC/CIF-TRIAGLOBAL ARE READY TO PERFORM.

ON THIS AVAILABLE OFFERS I CAN GUARANTEE YOU-SO BE SPECIFIC AND KINDLY REVERT BACK WITH REFS. TO THE VERY SPA.

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Er you what now? I need to visit a spa?

OK so I am skipping 4 of these as they are a bit repetitive and also make no sense whatsoever. We’ll move on to the ones that start to sound threatening…


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 19 August 2010 14:50
To: Database
Subject: ATB MT VIRGINIA AND SPA 2MB FOCADOS FOR IMMEDIATE BOARDING


ATTACHED DOC.

IS ANOTHER FOCADOS OFFER DOLLAR DEAL FOR 14 NET 9. SEE ATTACHED ATB FOR VERIFICATION AND CONFIRMATION RAISE BG TO ACTIVATE ATB TO BOARD.

THE SOONER YOU RESPOND, THE BETTER.

--
REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Jesus, the sooner I respond the better? Why? What will happen if I don’t? I didn’t check these emails for 2 weeks! Should I check on the cats? Come to think of it I haven’t seen them since yesterday….


From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 21 August 2010 19:00
To: Database
Subject: SPA DOCS FOR 2 LOADED CARGO MT KOS & MT MARAN LYRAN

FROM ONE OF MY SELLERS CONTACT;

3MB OF 2 CARGOES BCLO FOR IMMEDIATE CLOSING. LET BUYER VERIFY THE CARGO WITH SGS REPORT blah….blah….blah….blah…. SHARING STRUCTURE ARE 100% NON-NEGOTIABLE.

I AM A PAYMASTER FOR 6 CONTACTS IN MY GROUP. ANY ATTEMPT FOR ANYBODY TO TAKE OUT OF THE COMMISSION OF MY GROUP IS SIMPLY NOT POSSIBLE. IT IS ALSO IMPORTANT YOU KNOW THAT OTHER ALTERNATIVE BUYERS ARE ALSO INTERESTED IN THIS DEAL AND THAT SELLER WILL ONLY CLOSE DEAL WITH THE QUICKEST & FASTEST BUYER TO RETURN SIGNED AND SEALED CONTRACT.

DO NOT SAY I DID NOT WARN YOU.

REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


Blimey, I’ve had a warning now. It’ll be horse’s heads in my bed next. And why does he keep on shouting! I think this guy means business.

The next email was sent yesterday and was massive and written all in CAPITALS but not just only in CAPITALS but RED CAPITALS. Do you think this might be a coded message? Red….blood…..danger….oh deary me.

Then another about 20 minutes later….



From: Mr Isibor
Sent: 23 August 2010 19:35
To: Database
Subject: FOB AND TTT BLCO PROCEDURES

THIS IS FOR ONLY SERIOUS BUYER NO TIME GOING BACK/FORTH HERE.

NOTE:
WE ARE NOT READY TO ENTERTAIN UNNECESSARY COMPLAINS IN REGARDS TO THE ABOVE OFFER.

--
REGARDS,
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT


I’m sorry I wasn’t aware I made a compliant. I’m considering it now, you hear me? I SAID I’M CONSIDERING IT NOW!

Today the messages are a bit cryptic as they are blank and have been sent twice. What does it mean? Have I scared him off? Perhaps someone else got there first and he’s not able to type due to some mafia inflicted injury? Or this could be a silent threat? Clearly the shouting wasn’t working so he’s going for the softly softly approach? Well dear readers, if you don’t hear from me by the weekend then expect the worst.

Sir I can clearly see your nuts….

I know I go on about it a bit but everyone here is completely nuts. I think some clinically so. I’m getting more and more concerned about Moody as well as he’s definitely on the edge of some kind of mental breakdown. Every time I go over to see him he sits muttering to himself about whatever I have asked him, then claims to have an email from someone about it, then spends 10 minutes trying to find the email and can’t. Then he finds a print out of it right in front of him but it still wasn’t what he expected it to say. Then half an hour later he’ll come over to me and say “you were right, it wasn’t what I was thinking…..”

He’s said “I’m not having a good day” 5 times to me so far but has yet to tell me why.

It can be entertaining working with completely nuts people but it can also be very frustrating. Take the incident above for example. I had 4 contracts to work on this morning, hurrah – work to do, and now have none as Moody has had to take them off me to “look at them”. Not because I’ve done something wrong on them, I haven’t even had a chance to get started on them to do that yet, it’s because he needs to scrutinise everything about them, go through his 3 billion pieces of paper on his desk to find that one email about them (he likes to do his bit towards destroying the rainforest) which tells me nothing useful and has an attachment I already had. This whole process can take up to 20 minutes during which I am mainly stood next to his desk inspecting my nails or thinking about my plans for the weekend or raising my eyes to the ceiling at Kirstie across the partition. All the while Moody is muttering away and cursing to himself.

Losing. It. Big time.

I was bitching about this over email to a friend and he asked me if there were any other sane people in the office aside from myself (well relatively sane then)? Just as I was reading his email I hear Kirstie singing the little circus song, you know “di di diddy diddy di di di di….” And you can picture the clowns circling the big top on tiny tricycles and threatening each other with custard pies. I turn to see her trying to balance a small ball on her nose like a seal. She’s not successful so she tries to stick it there with some blue tac……then an elastic band. When bored of this she starts to throw the ball at her keyboard to see if she can type with it. She was going to be my one saving grace, the person I mention in my reply to my friends email about the other ‘sane’ people I work with. What do I do now? I am lost at sea with the cast of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

What if it’s catching?! I mean I don’t remember Moody or Kirstie being this weird when I started; it seems to have developed over time. Definitely with Moody, there’s always been the talking to himself but now there seems to be full on conversations and debates going on. That could be me in a years time, I’m sure there’s a jacket with arms that tie round the back and a tub of little green pills waiting for me with my yearly review.

Well so be it. If you can’t beat them (and you can’t, I’ve tried with various implements and anyway I’ve been told it’s illegal to hit your work colleagues even if they are 2 sandwiches, a packet of hula hoops and an Umbungo short of a picnic) join them as they say. I’ll start taking requests for demonstrations of circus skills….roll up, roll up.

Here comes the massive bride

Everyone in this office is either getting married or having a baby. That’s how it seems anyway, I could be slightly over exaggerating on this one occasion but there are a heck of a lot of fat ladies walking around and people huddled in corners talking about bouquets and reception venues and the size of their rings (easy).

I’ve just been sat on the loo listening into a conversation between a pregnant lady and a lady who is getting married in a week and a half. Yes I was ear wigging, don’t judge me – how the heck do you think I get half the information for this blog anyway?!

So the gal getting hitched is my co-captain for the netball team and has been as useless as a chocolate fire guard this week in organising the team as her head is in wedding land. I just took over in the end as she was driving me insane and the rest of the team were very confused. As far as I can surmise she is getting married to an Irish gypsy or something, he seems hard as fuck and dodgy as they come anyway. Gunner predicts fights at the wedding and drunken mishaps. She’s not an Irish Gypsy herself, I think she’s from Croydon, but she likes horses and obviously likes a bit of Traveller so it’s probably a good match. I saw the photos of her hen do – it wasn’t pretty.

The pregnant woman is from Finance and the most miserable bitch ever. She’s Eastern European (that’s British for “she seems to sound Polish but might not be so we’ll just put her in that general direction”) and quite pretty but as sour as they come. I think I’ve seen her smile twice since I have been here and once was probably when someone fell over and hurt themselves. I have to give her my expenses forms and purposely go down there all chipper and jolly “Hello!! Where would you like this form?!” (I can think of several suggestions…) “In the blue tray” doesn’t even look up from her computer and sounds like she is about to pull out a rifle on me. She is massively pregnant, so big I am worried she might pop at some stage all over the coffee machine or something. That happens right? She waddles at some speed when there is free cake involved though. She’s apparently shite at her job and on contract so when she goes on maternity leave she’s not coming back. Shame.

It’s ok though, she has duped some poor rich guy into marrying her and having her babies (I know this through the very gay guy in Finance – her boss) so she’s got an engagement rock on her finger and nothing to worry about.

So back to the toilet conversation. You know when people stop to chat as they are washing their hands and you’re trying not to wee too loudly or let out a little guff? Move on people, there is a time and a place! So here we have preggers and wedding chick chatting about the upcoming nuptials:

Preggers: “Hi how are you?”
WC: “Good thanks, bit stressed out though”
Preggers: “Oh yeah when is it you are getting married?”
WC: “Week after next”
Preggers: “Wow, where are you having it?”
WC: Names a place I can’t remember, lets say The Albert Hall
Preggers: “So how many people you got coming?”
WC: “79 to the ceremony and then more in the evening, not sure how many”

At this point I zone out a bit, it’s boring and dull, they’re chatting about buffets and free bars etc..yada yada ya…

Preggers: “Yeah I was engaged to be married but I could never be bothered to arrange the wedding”
WC: “Oh…….. right?”
Preggers: “Yeah we were engaged for 4 years, we split up in the end though”
WC: “Oh no, sorry to hear that”
Preggers:”It’s ok we’re still good friends”

Yeah I’m sure you are if he has any money….

Preggers: “I think it’s because we waited too long to get engaged, this time though I just did it all quickly”
WC: “Yeah I can see that!” (Probably indicating her massive massive baby bump)
Preggers: “Yeah you know it’s probably happened a bit too quick but well…”
WC: “Yeah, er, well I really love my fiancé so…”
Preggers: “Eh? Oh of course, yeah right…”

At this point I realise I have been sat on the loo for about 5 minutes and they might think I am having a huge dump or some kind of bowel problems. Then I’m undecided as to if I should wait for them to go or just come out the loo. They’re still chatting, they could be hours and I have things to do before I go home. Erm. I flush.

Preggers: “Anyway I hope it all goes ok”
WC: “Yeah thanks, I’ll be glad when I’m on that plane to Thailand” (Honeymoon)

Oh damn, they’re ending the conversation. Do I wait a bit? Yeah I’ll wait.

Preggers: “Oh is that your honeymoon?”
WC: “Yeah, can’t wait, we’ve booked to stay in…..”

Bugger. Now I’ve flushed and have been stood here ages, they’ll be thinking I am having trouble pulling my knickers up or something…. I’ll leave, I’ll go out. I do. They both say hello. I leave.

Damn work toilet etiquette.

So in conclusion be sure to get engaged and married and pregnant as fast as possible in order to snare your man. If you can’t be bothered to organise your own wedding you’ll lose that guy and his wallet and have to search around for another, looking sour all the time. Alternatively search the local caravan sites for a suitable gyppo.

I should write a book on weddings, this shit is easy.

Gag reflex

I am tying this through a blur of watery eyes and runny nose, actually it might be bleeding, I haven’t checked.

Pepe le Pew is back today and I am trying not to pass out as I type. I mentioned in my list of rants yesterday that there was a man who has been sat at the spare desk next to me for the past 2 days and his aftershave is so overwhelming it is actually hurting my sinuses. People can smell him on the other side of the office. Gunner thinks it’s because he is French, I think maybe it’s because he’s a massive hairy man who needs to mask his BO. Whatever the reason it is giving me a headache again and makes me feel really sick. Also worryingly enough it smells more like perfume than aftershave…. Donna has just told me he is going to be here for 4 weeks, maybe longer. I may have to request a transfer. Why do I always end up sat next to the freaks?! I’ve already had to be moved once!

It has been suggested that I douse myself in Katie Price’s new stink and try and get a bit of sweet smelling revenge but I think the combination of the 2 aroma’s could cause some kind of fire or possibly merge to form a type of mustard gas and set the fire alarms off. Plus I’d quite like to keep the hairs on the inside of my nose and try to limit the chemical burns to a minimum.

I may sound like I am exaggerating slightly but I really am not. I worked out I can smell him on my walk back from the other end of the office before I turn the corner into our area. That’s a good 20 paces away. Everyone who comes over this side to speak to one of us has also commented on the odour.

“Oooh who smells nice? Is that your perfume Ginger?”

Yeah it smells nice because it’s only just wafted into your nostrils and soon you shall be clear of it. You haven’t had to breathe it in for 7 hours and fight off the urge to stuff tissues or biscuits or tampons or whatever comes to hand up your nose to try and mask it.

Everyone who comments also refers to it as ‘perfume’ which is fairly comical. Maybe he is wearing perfume? Kirstie thinks she recognises it and it’s one of them Jean Paul Goat-ier ones with the gay sailors in the adverts but perhaps he picked up the lady bottle instead of the mens and no one corrected him about his mistake? Or he could just like wearing lady perfume, you never know, each to their own and all that. I’m not sure why he feels it necessary to put so much on though. He must be getting through it pretty quickly by now.

Tomorrow I am going to come in with one of those masks Michael Jackson used to wear and a diving mask and….heck I’ll just don a full chemical hazard protection suit like they wear in ET! I’ll set up a series of plastic tunnels to and from my desk as well to ensure that nothing gets through. Do you think he’ll get the hint?

Muttered obscenities

I have been in a foul mood since I got back to this piss-face arse-crack of an office. These long weekends are all good and well while they last but then you have to come back to reality and that really, really, really sucks. Massively. Even the shorter working weeks aren’t helping as I thought they would, they still seem to drag. Never happy am I? I suppose 4 days of cack is better than 5 and I have yet another long weekend to look forward to this week. It’s like having a daily dose of the holiday blues though; perhaps I need to tone down the enjoyment factor at the weekend to compensate for the low on a Monday morning?

For some reason this week seems worse than normal, I think I am just uber fed up and without gossip or scandal or anything remotely interesting happening at work. Everything has become a chore and everyone is pissing me off. Everyone. Even Kirstie’s attempts to cheer me up “go on give me a little smile!” Er how about I give you a little kick? She means well but the good intentions are lost on me at the moment. I find myself cursing and swearing a lot under my breath and not so much under my breath at times. Simple tasks are winding me up and my fuse is so short it’s reached the point where Coyote is staring bug eyed at the ACME bomb Road Runner has just handed him as it fizzes away and inevitably blows him 30 miles off the cliff and into the path of a speeding train. It’s ridiculous, it’s completely unjustified and it’s irrational but damn it I don’t care.

Things that have pissed me off today:

The fact that I didn’t cycle into work so to avoid the forecast rain and it has so far been dry as a bone (my own stupid fault for trusting weather forecasters)

Waiting for Andre all day to do some poxy handover (she’s going on holiday AGAIN for a week and a half) of her work and knowing she’ll come over to see me at 4.55pm when I am about to leave.

The fact that I have been lumped with Andre’s work.

The French man who sat next to me all day stinking of really strong aftershave. Aftershave that actually worryingly smelt like perfume (well each to their own) and has burned through my sinuses, given me a headache and made me feel sick. It was so strong even Ginger who sits 4 people up from him smelt it.

That it is only Tuesday.

That it is currently only 15:56 and I wanted to go home 6 hours ago.

Being lumped with the netball organisation for tomorrow at 2pm today by the co-captain (she had to go to a wedding rehearsal – on a Tuesday?) who told me she was really short for players and then finding players and then being shouted at by people who she had promised could play but forgotten to tell me about or put on the players list.

Then having to stop WW3 amongst netball players and actually give my position up on the team so some stroppy South African kicking up a fuss can play instead.

The fact that the co-captain told me everything about her current life (wedding traumas, husband to be spending all the honeymoon cash, argument with Dad, anorexic sister…..keep going I’ll pretend I give a toss) but failed to tell me anything useful about the netball fixture.

That there is a distinct lack of cake in the office today.

I was hoping after yesterday’s day of rage it would subside and this morning did seem to feel a bit better but as the hours have worn on the rage has returned and frankly I’m ready to sharpen my wooden spoon…..

Kirstie keeps a bottle of Rescue Remedy on her desk that I might lace a chocolate éclair with.

Drive by caking

Lots of free food in the office today, I’m feeling particularly stuffed and should really hit the gym tonight but instead I’ll probably go home and eat more. We’ve had free sandwiches and rolls thanks to Saffa ordering some for a meeting, then cancelling the meeting and forgetting to cancel the food. She came round to apologise to Kirstie about it but instead got a pat on the back for providing us all with a complimentary lunch! Said lunch was wheeled down to us at midday by a lady from reception and we all dived in!

On top of this it’s Moody’s birthday today, I think he’s 102 years old or something, he won’t tell us. He keeps claiming to be 22 but the full white beard and dicky heart say otherwise. So birthdays mean cake and Moody did us proud by bringing in a fabulous selection from a yummy bakery. No Sainsbury’s donuts or Mr Kipling lemon slices in there! Not that I’m not partial to a lemon slice (careful) but these were stupendous. Kirstie grabbed a chocolate brownie the size of my hand and I got a danish (as in the pastry not someone from Denmark). We went halves and had the danish in the morning (easy) and then devoured the brownie in the afternoon. My god. Possibly the best brownie I have ever had. Fact. I tried not to inhale it in one go but it didn’t last long. Feckin’ amazing.

We are partial to a cake in this office as you already know but today I saw another side of some of my colleagues, a side I’d rather not know about. When there is cake and free sandwiches about you had better get in there quick and then stand out of the way of the stampeded or you’re going to get hurt! You’d think some of them hadn’t been fed in a week. Strange how they don’t react like this to a free bar…oh hang on they do don’t they?

When the sarnies got wheeled over Kirstie whispered to me “you had better get in there quick before CJ realises there is free food in the room”. She wasn’t wrong. I was standing perusing the selection with paper plate and napkin in hand when I look up to the sound of hurried stomping and see CJ literally running up to the trolley. She comes up right next to me as if to check out what I have on my plate and I almost cover mine with my hand protectively. Then she barges past me to get to the rest! I’m not exaggerating, her shoulder made contact with mine and my rolls almost ended up rolling on the floor! Jesus luv calm down, there’s plenty there unless you’re worried I’m about to make my way through 40 rounds of cheese and pickle!

The woman is the size of a twig so it could be she only eats free meals and they don’t come along very often. I’m sure I saw her stuffing some into her pockets out the corner of my eye…

The cakes were a different story all together, they went quickly and not only CJ was in a hurry to pick out a good one. But as is always the way we had left overs. A couple of weird looking tarts (I’m still talking about the cake selection here), some cupcakes and a sponge bear who was looking very lonely and unloved. Kirstie was good to get in there early for the brownie and I thank her for that profusely.

Anyway we have some leftovers and I am thinking it’s going to go to waste so I email some of my buddies in Finance who I know are cake lovers. No joke you could count down on your watch as to how long it took them to get down from the other side of the office. Maybe just under 30 seconds?! The flamboyant gay guy (he who was flirting with everything male at the rounder’s BBQ) actually ran down, straight past the cake box and to the sandwiches and then looked disappointed until I pointed them out. The New Zeeland girl (“I had some good dicking last night…”) followed up on the rear (easy) and pinched a cup cake too. I think Mr Flamboyant might have taken out a couple of the IT geeks as he ran through and there was a ‘swoosh’ of papers somewhere further up the office. I can picture him now walking back to his desk staring longingly at his cake whilst everyone around him recovers from the pastry seeking missile that had swept through a few moments earlier.

In conclusion I work with (and I include myself in this statement) a bunch of greedy heffers who would sell their own grandmother for a double choc chip muffin or egg roll if it’s going free. No one’s going to die of starvation round here by the looks of it.

Nom, nom, nom.

½ Day Hell

Just a small bit of news to start. Today I noticed that this is my 100th blog. I’m not sure whether to be proud or cry into my spaghetti hoops. Maybe I’ll celebrate later with a Starbucks. A centennial of rants.

The reason for my radio silence is that I have been away, far, far away. Well not physically but mentally for sure, work could not have been farther from my mind over this lovely long weekend. Thursday night I ran screaming in joy from the building throwing handfuls of paper into the air and sending my pen tidy skittering across my desk in celebration. Goodbye losers! Farewell freaks! See you on the other side!

But it all goes by far too quickly and before you know it you’re back sat at your desk turning off your out of office (resentfully) and going through the 6 million emails (4 of which are of relevance to you) you have received over the period of 2 ½ working days. One big mistake I made was returning on a half day, i.e. coming into the office after lunch at 1pm. My advice to you would be to never take a ½ day that way round, always take it in the afternoon, dragging yourself into work after a morning off is HARD and those 4 hours shall be the slowest of your life. For me it just worked out that that was the way it had to be, personal commitments were required and I didn’t want to use up that other ½ day of precious annual leave but if you have the choice just throw caution to the wind and take the whole day. Lesson learnt.

What didn’t help was that I also returned to a huge steaming pile of cack at work. People shouting down the phone at me about things I wasn’t responsible for, cold calls for the feckin’ database, emails from HR that just pissed me off no end and to top it all it was raining so I was looking forward to a cycle home in the wet. Huge, massive grump on let me tell you! I managed to shake it off soon after leaving the building in the drizzle and this morning was an improvement (people had stopped shouting for one thing) so today has been better.

I’m off again on Friday so with a 2 ½ day working week I can’t complain that much I suppose (but you know I will….) and then next week another Friday off and the following week is a bank holiday weekend. I might just save up all my annual leave next year and book off every Friday so I end up with a 4 day week here. Brilliant plan. I’d end up just wanting to work a 3 day week though, I know I’d never be satisfied.

On the up side we won 5-1 at netball today! Stunned and amazed I was! Well lets be honest we haven’t had the best run this season and what with the various injuries we’re one or two players short. It was a clincher of a match though; we needed to win it to carry on into the ¼ finals so clearly we must play well under pressure. Let’s hope this winning streak (can you call one win a ‘streak’?) continues and in several weeks you find a photo of me sporting the netball trophy! Well stranger things have happened. Not many but I’m sure there’s some.

News Flash

I forgot to update you on the break-in. My sincere apologies dear readers, how slack of me. You must have been on tenterhooks ever since the first instalment of the Great Robbery and sat at your computer screen awaiting any developments. Or more likely you had forgotten about it until I mentioned it just then, I’m sure some of you are still racking your brains as to what I’m talking about and are now scrolling back through the other posts to get some enlightenment.

I am talking about the break in we had at work a few weeks back. When someone stealthily walked in the main entrance and stole lots of laptops and things and then walked out again, probably with a member of staff holding the door for them. We then received the email from he up on high declaring more safety measures were being installed with IMMEDIATE effect! Oh good, I feel a lot better now, I can stop locking my chocolate digestives away at night.

We then received another email a week later informing us there had been another break in.

(Hang on, what about these increased security measures?)

And that the intruder was the same man.

(Weren’t they meant to be put in place with IMMEDIATE effect?)

And that he had walked into the CEO’s office and stolen his laptop. And his golf clubs. Snigger.

(sigh)

What is even more ridiculous is that this person used the same staff pass card he had done the 1st time around to gain entry to the building. So these increased security measures didn’t involve cancelling that card they know he used to get in last time? Well done people * slow hand clap *.

I do like the fact that he nicked the top bosses golf clubs though. Those clubs would have been worth A LOT and would have REALLY pissed off the CEO. I’m sure he didn’t give a stuff about his laptop…oh no hang on, his lap top probably had quite a bit of confidential information on it about the company didn’t it (never mind the porn…) – whoops! Go Team Security!

That is all.

Izzit yeah?

I have been sat here counting the number of times CJ says ‘yeah’ in her phone conversations (things are pretty slow today) and on the last call it was 58. No exaggeration. I think 23 of those were in her sign off as well.

“So yeah, yeah, I hope we can yeah, yeah……yeah? Well if we can sort that out then…yeah. Anyway, yeah, how have things been yeah? Yeah? Yeah, yeah…of course it’s like that isn’t it? Yeah, yeeeeeah, yeah, yeah, yeah….yeah…….yeah. Yeah. Right yeah, well yeah I will speak to you soon yeah? Yeah. Bye then. Yeah.”

I emailed Gunner who sits opposite her:


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 04 August 2010 16:34
To: Gunner
Subject: Yeah

“Yeah? Yeah….yeah….yeah? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah….”

Expand on your vocab a bit luv.



From: Gunner
Sent: 04 August 2010 16:35
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Yeah


Yeah


Sums it up I think. I’m not sure if it’s some kind of nervous oral twitch (easy) of hers or if she just has nothing better to say or is shit at general conversation or has just picked it up as a bad habit. Probably the latter, I know of a few people who do the same thing. I have found myself saying the work ‘like’ a lot more in my sentences which I am deeply ashamed of. I sound like a bloody toff kid “So like I was like at the bus stop like…” Well maybe I’m not that bad but it’s getting there. I have a friend who says “Sort of” or “Sort of thing” all the time which once you start to notice it can be really annoying – again a bad habit he’s picked up. There was also a girl who shared a house with some uni mates years ago who said “Izzit” to EVERYTHING you said to her.

“I went to the cinema last night”
“Izzit?”
“Saw a great film with whassisface in”
“Izzit?”
“Cost me £7 though, bloody rip off”
“Izzit?”

That response makes no sense. “Izzit” being derived from “Is it” and every time she said this she posed it as a question so asking me “Is it?” after telling her I went to the cinema is just plain baffling. She also used to say it in a long drawn out sing song voice that made you want to clamp your hand over her mouth after about 5 minutes of conversation.

“Um” can also be a trifle irritating. I find that pops up a lot in work presentations, especially if the speaker is nervous. I once attended a conference and we had these god awful boring workshops to go to throughout the day which got worse and worse. One of them was especially dull and the girl presenting said “um” over 50 times in her 10 minute talk. I think every sentence was littered with it. I started to tally them up on my note pad, which my colleague noticed and then realised what I was doing. As soon as the realisation dawned she burst into a fit of giggles which only unnerved the speaker more and created an avalanche of ‘um’s’ in the concluding part of the Power Point presentation.

CJ wins the award for most aggravating vocal disability though because her ‘yeah’s’ are dripping with a patronising tone. It’s like someone talking down to a tiny kid or old person “Did you hurt your arm? Did you? Yeah, yeah you did didn’t you?” Or like she is agreeing with everything you say just to placate you and pretend she is interested. It’s worse for us as well because we only hear one side of the conversation. I have no idea how her clients the other end of the phone take it.

“Er CJ would you stop saying ‘yeah’ all the time please?”
“Yeaaaahhh”
“It’s actually really irritating.”
“Yeah? Yeah, yeah.”
“I’m hanging up on you now.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeeeaaaahhhhh.”
Dialing tone.
“Yeah.”

To input or not to input? That is the questi…..oh who gives a toss?

I’ve just been sifting through the 72 emails for the database that have built up over the past few days. I’m wondering if there is any point in putting any of this choz in the database as apparently they are not going to be using it anymore. This came up during the hellish training course last week when it was made evident that all the data I have been collecting to migrate into the new system wouldn’t be used. I tapped Kirstie on the shoulder and whispered a question about this to which she looked very guilty and sorry for me and confirmed my suspicion that no, they don’t need it any more. Hurrah.

So the past 6 months or so of the inane, mind numbingly, soul destroying, brain bleeding, retina straining inputting I have been doing is for nothing. Nothing. All 600+ entries useless. It sits on my hard drive, inaccessible to anyone else and completely pointless. Whilst these poor blighters keep emailing me and the management forward me items they don’t want to deal with regardless of the fact it won’t go anywhere.

And did anyone think to inform me of this? Of course not. I’ll keep blindly inputting away and little do I know they have changed their minds, AGAIN. Kirstie has suggested I ask Moon Monkey about his plans for all this data but I am more tempted to leave it and see how long it actually takes him to tell me I’m wasting my time. Jerk.

Of course I’m not surprised, I said from the beginning it would probably never get used or suddenly change format or start again or become something that’s put on the ‘back burner’. This thing has already taken the form of 4 different systems or spreadsheets and none of those ever came to light so what makes this so different?

The question is do I carry on regardless, inputting information until someone tells me not to or do I stop and await the consequences – or just for anyone to notice? I’m thinking I might carry on but start putting made up information in there or for every 5 or 6 entries create some random, comedy company in there like “Mr Giggles Custard Pies” or “Sluts R Us”. To be honest even if it did go live I doubt anyone would question it as the information that goes in there normally is pretty odd to an outsider of the industry. Today I received an email about ‘Penetration Fittings’……

And there is always the comedy emails from overseas to keep me occupied. I couldn’t give those up could I? I’ve noticed a new trend in recent ones in reply to emails I’ve sent back – “Dear Sir” they say….er have you read my name at the bottom of the email? Clearly not a sir. Well maybe in some countries it could be mistaken, and I do sometimes get referred to as ‘sir’ in McDonalds (must be the facial hair, where did I put that Immac?) but over email they can’t make that mistake surely?

I was also sent a picture by one company of 2 parrots on a beach, one wearing a sombrero and holding an ice cream and one a cowboy hat and a camera around it’s neck telling me to ‘enjoy the holiday season’. Not sure why this image would make me do that but it was appreciated none the less. I’ve included it in this blog entry for your enjoyment. Happy holiday season!