I have quite a lot to update you on for this week, there’s the meetings (oh god the meetings…), the meetings about meetings, the meetings about the meetings about the…well you get the idea. There’s also The Temp who is driving me pretty insane, me overthrowing the new system (I’ve cracked it! Mwahahahahah!), the lewd banter shocking Freaker, my first experience of an on-line web conference call with the heavy breather and the day of exploding yoghurts (oh god the yoghurts…). There’s more but my brain is a bit too full currently to remember it all. Oh and tonight is the work Halloween party which I am sure I shall have much to report back on as there will be alcohol and fake blood involved.
However today is not going to be the day I can furnish you with all the details. Not in their full, glorious Technicolor glory anyway – I wouldn’t do them justice. It’d be crammed between the next meeting and Moody’s continuous IT for Dummies lessons from me. Plus I have a Halloween outfit to get into before 5pm. I’m also off tomorrow, managed to work enough hours to warrant a flexi day (I know, what the hell is going on?!) but I shall endeavour to blog from the homestead for a Friday catch up.
Now if that’s not dedication I don’t know what is.
Thursday 28 October 2010
Monday 25 October 2010
T for Temp
The Temp is starting to show signs of nesting and settling in. Perhaps a bit too much for my liking there’s being relaxed in the work place and there’s stepping over the line and addressing personal hygiene issues at your desk.
The talking is one thing, honesty between her, Kirstie and Moody it’s surprising I actually manage to get anything done at the moment – there’s always one of them at my desk yabbering away. Work related, non-work related, work related that then somehow turns into non-work related and then ends up work related again (1/2 an hour later…) Another thing is clipping your finger nails at your desk. And another thing altogether is doing it while talking to me and having them ping in my direction.
This morning her breakfast consisted of one of those M&S hummus and carrot stick pots, weird enough as it was anyway she was munching away and asking me some (work related) questions at the same time. Oh Christ, here we go again, another gacker – what am I going to do I only just escaped one!! Actually there was a lack of gacking but she was eating and talking which you all know how I feel about. Half way through she realised what she was doing “oh my god, sorry I am just sat here eating – how rude!” Well at least she’s addressed the situation. However she carries on anyway, munch…munch….munch.
The attack of the hang nail came a little bit later in the day when she was asking me about something (non-work related) and sorting out a nail she had broken when filing. Hacking it off with a large pair of paper scissors. I’m not one to get squeamish about these things but I know people who are so it’s the kind of thing I personally would save for my next trip to the bathroom perhaps – just a thought. So I’m answering her question while she concentrates furiously on the little beggar – er are you listening to me? Should I wait until you…..PING! Flies off her finger and bounces off my leg on to the floor in front of me. The look on my face should surely have been hint enough that I was pretty repulsed by this vicious attack but no, she goes for the other half – um do you mind if you….PING! On to the piece of paper I have in front of me. “Oh, sorry, let me just get that….”
Would you like to borrow a nail file?
So the girl is shocked by the ‘C’ word, amazed that people kiss in public so much here (not the done thing in Queensland apparently) but is more than happy to fling her nail clippings at me?
Another freak to add to the collective.
The talking is one thing, honesty between her, Kirstie and Moody it’s surprising I actually manage to get anything done at the moment – there’s always one of them at my desk yabbering away. Work related, non-work related, work related that then somehow turns into non-work related and then ends up work related again (1/2 an hour later…) Another thing is clipping your finger nails at your desk. And another thing altogether is doing it while talking to me and having them ping in my direction.
This morning her breakfast consisted of one of those M&S hummus and carrot stick pots, weird enough as it was anyway she was munching away and asking me some (work related) questions at the same time. Oh Christ, here we go again, another gacker – what am I going to do I only just escaped one!! Actually there was a lack of gacking but she was eating and talking which you all know how I feel about. Half way through she realised what she was doing “oh my god, sorry I am just sat here eating – how rude!” Well at least she’s addressed the situation. However she carries on anyway, munch…munch….munch.
The attack of the hang nail came a little bit later in the day when she was asking me about something (non-work related) and sorting out a nail she had broken when filing. Hacking it off with a large pair of paper scissors. I’m not one to get squeamish about these things but I know people who are so it’s the kind of thing I personally would save for my next trip to the bathroom perhaps – just a thought. So I’m answering her question while she concentrates furiously on the little beggar – er are you listening to me? Should I wait until you…..PING! Flies off her finger and bounces off my leg on to the floor in front of me. The look on my face should surely have been hint enough that I was pretty repulsed by this vicious attack but no, she goes for the other half – um do you mind if you….PING! On to the piece of paper I have in front of me. “Oh, sorry, let me just get that….”
Would you like to borrow a nail file?
So the girl is shocked by the ‘C’ word, amazed that people kiss in public so much here (not the done thing in Queensland apparently) but is more than happy to fling her nail clippings at me?
Another freak to add to the collective.
Friday 22 October 2010
Profanities - they make the day go faster
The topic of bad language has been going around the office today – swears I mean, naughty words that may offend (so be warned…). This has been kicked off by the Temp (still nameless, suggestions on a postcard are welcome people) who seems to be shocked an appalled at some of the banter that goes on in this place. I think this is partly due to some misinterpretation/understanding and partly due to the fact she’s never worked in this industry before and so not experienced as many potty mouths in one office.
When I started I was quite taken aback in the same way (although I never said anything as I didn’t want to come across as a ‘square’, I just joined in merrily!), not because the F word offends me but because normally you don’t hear your boss talking about “the f-ing c-t’s” who won’t return her calls. I think it’s an industry thing, lots of older men who think the term ‘PC’ is something to do with their computer and how it just rubs off on the younger employees and eventually becomes completely acceptable. Don’t get me wrong you don’t wander round the office f’ing and blinding all the time but the outbursts or use of swears in conversation doesn’t mean you’ll end up with a written disciplinarily and your P45 by Friday.
It’s also departmental. If I was to walk into another department then they might have a totally different take on the whole swearing thing. You do need to watch how you tread; us and Finance are probably the worst for bad language. Our swear jars overfloweth.
As well as the swearing there’s the banter, the innuendo and the general rudeness. I personally think it’s hilarious and fully embrace it and encourage it. The guys think it’s great that the girls wind them up or drop a comment and that they can do the same without getting a blush and a sexual harassment rap. Each to their own though, I know it’s not everyone’s bag and wouldn’t be acceptable everywhere and there’s people you know you can only go so far with.
For example with Kirstie there’s no holds barred, anything goes, I have yet to make her blush (and believe me I’ve tried…) but with Andre you can be a little risqué but if the conversation were to end up on a discussion about the different names for women’s private parts (as it did around lunchtime today) then she’d probably excuse herself and go back to listening to ABBA on her i-pod. You need to know your audience.
Temp is generally shocked by most things so far which I am finding surprising because she’s not coming across as the shy and retiring type. This girl hasn’t grown up all isolated on a Queensland farm somewhere, naive and young and now thrown into big bad London – she’s seen things. Things I haven’t seen and I’m almost 10 years her senior. But condoms in the stationary cupboard? Oh my god! Kirstie talking about pole dancing – WTF? Come on luv this is tame by comparison.
Earlier today Kirstie slammed down her mouse and called her computer a “F-ing C-t”. It wasn’t shouted across the room, it was under her breath but Temp caught it and gasped. “Can you use that word without offending people over here?” (She means the UK.) Kirstie says “yeah it doesn’t bother me; I use it all the time”. I feel I need to jump in here. “Not EVERYONE is a fan of the C word; in fact possibly less rather than more so please be careful using it around people Temp.” It’s ok; she doesn’t like using it anyway. Phew. I was envisaging her walking into bars and using it prolifically “Hi, please can I have a beer you c-t?” “Could you tell me where the c-ting toilets are?” She wouldn’t last long. If she doesn’t like it though she might want to follow Andre’s example and listen to some ABBA as the air in here can get quite blue at times….
Have a fucking great weekend everyone ;)
When I started I was quite taken aback in the same way (although I never said anything as I didn’t want to come across as a ‘square’, I just joined in merrily!), not because the F word offends me but because normally you don’t hear your boss talking about “the f-ing c-t’s” who won’t return her calls. I think it’s an industry thing, lots of older men who think the term ‘PC’ is something to do with their computer and how it just rubs off on the younger employees and eventually becomes completely acceptable. Don’t get me wrong you don’t wander round the office f’ing and blinding all the time but the outbursts or use of swears in conversation doesn’t mean you’ll end up with a written disciplinarily and your P45 by Friday.
It’s also departmental. If I was to walk into another department then they might have a totally different take on the whole swearing thing. You do need to watch how you tread; us and Finance are probably the worst for bad language. Our swear jars overfloweth.
As well as the swearing there’s the banter, the innuendo and the general rudeness. I personally think it’s hilarious and fully embrace it and encourage it. The guys think it’s great that the girls wind them up or drop a comment and that they can do the same without getting a blush and a sexual harassment rap. Each to their own though, I know it’s not everyone’s bag and wouldn’t be acceptable everywhere and there’s people you know you can only go so far with.
For example with Kirstie there’s no holds barred, anything goes, I have yet to make her blush (and believe me I’ve tried…) but with Andre you can be a little risqué but if the conversation were to end up on a discussion about the different names for women’s private parts (as it did around lunchtime today) then she’d probably excuse herself and go back to listening to ABBA on her i-pod. You need to know your audience.
Temp is generally shocked by most things so far which I am finding surprising because she’s not coming across as the shy and retiring type. This girl hasn’t grown up all isolated on a Queensland farm somewhere, naive and young and now thrown into big bad London – she’s seen things. Things I haven’t seen and I’m almost 10 years her senior. But condoms in the stationary cupboard? Oh my god! Kirstie talking about pole dancing – WTF? Come on luv this is tame by comparison.
Earlier today Kirstie slammed down her mouse and called her computer a “F-ing C-t”. It wasn’t shouted across the room, it was under her breath but Temp caught it and gasped. “Can you use that word without offending people over here?” (She means the UK.) Kirstie says “yeah it doesn’t bother me; I use it all the time”. I feel I need to jump in here. “Not EVERYONE is a fan of the C word; in fact possibly less rather than more so please be careful using it around people Temp.” It’s ok; she doesn’t like using it anyway. Phew. I was envisaging her walking into bars and using it prolifically “Hi, please can I have a beer you c-t?” “Could you tell me where the c-ting toilets are?” She wouldn’t last long. If she doesn’t like it though she might want to follow Andre’s example and listen to some ABBA as the air in here can get quite blue at times….
Have a fucking great weekend everyone ;)
Thursday 21 October 2010
Moan-a-tron
The Moan-o-Meter is dangerously high today, we’re edging towards critical mass, a meltdown of disproportionate size…. Take cover people!!
I think I have had to listen to Kirstie’s complaints, bitching and whines today on average every 6.8 minutes. I think if you broke it down, worked out the average and compared it to weekly statistics we’d be well above average. The huffing is increasing dramatically, the swearing is quire shocking at times – a complete potty mouth – and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on the blacklist. We can all bugger off and leave her alone, stop badgering her, stop calling her, stop emailing her and frankly piss off out of her personal space.
It’s lapsed into some kind of repetitive routine. It’ll start with a big old sigh to my left or a curse or a slamming down of the phone and some muttering. To start with I’d be sympathetic and maybe ask what was wrong or give some kind of supportive comment. I soon learnt my lesson. After I stopped asking for fear of the tirade of ranting I would get back she simply started offering up the rant anyway, without question. So I turn in my seat, look worried or concerned for her, nod as she rants and then try to offer up some advice. I’m now running low on advice fuel so sometimes it’s just a shrug of the shoulders or I’ll say something like “ah they’re all a bunch of bastards” just to try and make her feel a bit better.
The thing is she brings a lot of this work and stress on to herself. People have the most ridiculous requests or demands and I can understand why she is livid about them but then I discover they are asking because at the end of the day she’ll cave and do them. Digging your own grave there girl.
Exhibit A: Kirstie receives an email from one of the BIM (I’ve changed the name for legal reasons….bet you can’t guess…) people who she has had to arrange a squillion travel arrangements for to fly around the world preaching the new system to the poor sods in the other offices. She’s had enough bother doing this because they all appear to be 12 years old and stamping their feet about flying business class or having a vegan meal or taking their 500 family members with them. So now this email is from some retarded employee saying she left her camera on the plane and can Kirstie please look into it? Er you got a phone luv? Got some travel insurance? Good, good. So you lost the camera so how about you ring up and claim for it? JTFC. My response to this email would have been along the lines of “No.” So there is a lot of ranting, she reminds me once again of the 27 other things she is trying to juggle at the moment, why would she have time to look for mislaid cameras?? Etc etc. Good point. “Tell her to take a hike” say I! But does she? No, instead she makes enquires about the lost camera.
There’s a word tattooed on her head right now and it’s ‘MUG’.
Since then she’d had other such ridiculous requests and more and more she seems incapable of saying ‘no’ to things. But the bitching and whining will continue as will the “I need to speak to someone about all of this it’s just ridiculous, I can’t balance all of this….this is 2 people’s job….FFS why are people bothering me with this kind of thing….do they think I sit here with my thumb up my arse all day?”
But does she do anything about it? Does she complain to the right people? Does she heck.
Yesterday she was here from 7.30am until 8.45pm. On Saturday she was in from 10am until 7.30pm. I get to hear all about this. I’ve now got to the point where I won’t say “have a good weekend” because I know I’ll get some rolled eyes and a “yeah right…”
I might go and say something soon to Moon Monkey just to stop the whining. Or maybe put it forward that I am under a lot of pressure to deal with Kirstie’s er pressure. Yeah, it’s all about me! Sod it I’ll just move desks again….
I think I have had to listen to Kirstie’s complaints, bitching and whines today on average every 6.8 minutes. I think if you broke it down, worked out the average and compared it to weekly statistics we’d be well above average. The huffing is increasing dramatically, the swearing is quire shocking at times – a complete potty mouth – and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on the blacklist. We can all bugger off and leave her alone, stop badgering her, stop calling her, stop emailing her and frankly piss off out of her personal space.
It’s lapsed into some kind of repetitive routine. It’ll start with a big old sigh to my left or a curse or a slamming down of the phone and some muttering. To start with I’d be sympathetic and maybe ask what was wrong or give some kind of supportive comment. I soon learnt my lesson. After I stopped asking for fear of the tirade of ranting I would get back she simply started offering up the rant anyway, without question. So I turn in my seat, look worried or concerned for her, nod as she rants and then try to offer up some advice. I’m now running low on advice fuel so sometimes it’s just a shrug of the shoulders or I’ll say something like “ah they’re all a bunch of bastards” just to try and make her feel a bit better.
The thing is she brings a lot of this work and stress on to herself. People have the most ridiculous requests or demands and I can understand why she is livid about them but then I discover they are asking because at the end of the day she’ll cave and do them. Digging your own grave there girl.
Exhibit A: Kirstie receives an email from one of the BIM (I’ve changed the name for legal reasons….bet you can’t guess…) people who she has had to arrange a squillion travel arrangements for to fly around the world preaching the new system to the poor sods in the other offices. She’s had enough bother doing this because they all appear to be 12 years old and stamping their feet about flying business class or having a vegan meal or taking their 500 family members with them. So now this email is from some retarded employee saying she left her camera on the plane and can Kirstie please look into it? Er you got a phone luv? Got some travel insurance? Good, good. So you lost the camera so how about you ring up and claim for it? JTFC. My response to this email would have been along the lines of “No.” So there is a lot of ranting, she reminds me once again of the 27 other things she is trying to juggle at the moment, why would she have time to look for mislaid cameras?? Etc etc. Good point. “Tell her to take a hike” say I! But does she? No, instead she makes enquires about the lost camera.
There’s a word tattooed on her head right now and it’s ‘MUG’.
Since then she’d had other such ridiculous requests and more and more she seems incapable of saying ‘no’ to things. But the bitching and whining will continue as will the “I need to speak to someone about all of this it’s just ridiculous, I can’t balance all of this….this is 2 people’s job….FFS why are people bothering me with this kind of thing….do they think I sit here with my thumb up my arse all day?”
But does she do anything about it? Does she complain to the right people? Does she heck.
Yesterday she was here from 7.30am until 8.45pm. On Saturday she was in from 10am until 7.30pm. I get to hear all about this. I’ve now got to the point where I won’t say “have a good weekend” because I know I’ll get some rolled eyes and a “yeah right…”
I might go and say something soon to Moon Monkey just to stop the whining. Or maybe put it forward that I am under a lot of pressure to deal with Kirstie’s er pressure. Yeah, it’s all about me! Sod it I’ll just move desks again….
Wednesday 20 October 2010
New Girl – as yet nameless
OK so I don’t have a name for the new girl yet but there seem to be some distinguishing qualities becoming apparent:
1) She talks. A lot.
2) She seems to have done a lot of crazy shit
3) She has 5 blokes on the go
4) The UK mystifies her but for very random reasons
5) Her and Kirstie seem to share a lot in common
1) The talking a lot I can handle, it’s normally about fairly interesting stuff and she is very chatty in a nice way. It’s not all bitch and moan, its gossip and stories and questions. The talking a lot when I am trying to get everything done so I can get out the door at 5pm but end up talking to her (or listening to her) for 25 minutes and then not having done anything at 5pm when she walks out the door is not so good. Curb it in woman. We’re also not at that stage yet when you can have a conversation and just break off mid way through to do work stuff or just get to a point and go “yeah…” and turn back to your screen without offending. Kirstie and I reached that point many moons ago, sometimes she’ll just get up and walk away half way through something to ask someone else a question or my phone will ring and I’ll just stop, take the call and then carry on afterwards. You know how it works? It’s work, so sometimes you have to actually do some work and pretend to look professional!!
2) This girl is probably in her mid to late 20’s and already had clocked up some crazy shit that you probably should be aiming for by 50. Well maybe that’s just naive old me…youngsters these days. Pass me that scone. Anyway, since she’s been in the UK (which is 3 months) she’s already ended up in hospital once and has been the most drunk she has ever been in her life. She went to Vegas last year and got married (I don’t know any further details as yet, it was a passing comment at 4.59pm last night and I was trying to get out the door as I said), the guy she got married to is on YouTube being hypnotised at some Sex Expo in Australia, she’s been injured quite badly on a golf course and oh the guy she married in Vegas, you’ll be amazed to hear they are no longer married. She doesn’t remember much about it. Come to think of it it did sound a bit like the plot to The Hangover…
3) 5 blokes on the go. Actually it’s 2 now, I’m over exaggerating. It was 5 and she’s managed to whittle it down to 2. Now I’m not one to judge, play the field if you want, don’t put all your eggs in one basket and all that but it’s more that I can’t quite understand how she has managed to have 5 blokes on the go…. Miaoooow! Saucer of milk for Nancy, table 4! As I said she seems nice enough but she’s not a looker and she doesn’t have the body Christina Hendricks would be jealous of. Plus as mentioned previously she talks….a lot. I can imagine the dates being quite tiring for the guy, and not always in a good way. Plus there’s the danger you might end up married to the chick by the end of the night!
4) Random stuff. Like “Wow you guys take a full hours lunch break here!” or “What is it with sweet popcorn?!” or “Why did I get an email about someone having a baby?” (The last one was a round robin to the office because one of the receptionists popped one out yesterday – we share the joy here, no harm in that?). I can understand statements like “Why is it so cold here?!” or “Why did your boss look at me funny when I talk about wearing my thongs into work tomorrow?” but she just seems to be confused about the weirdest stuff. Maybe it’s me and I haven’t come across enough Australians yet (careful). No I have, I definitely have. I’ve been to Shepherd’s Bush, I’ve drunk in a bar in London….
5) As I am sat between the two ladies from the Southern Hemisphere there is a lot banter going on across me, as you would expect. Australia this and Australia that and “aren’t the English funny about…” or “do you find that….” A lot of this is quite comical and I like to stick my British oar in sometimes and wind them up but again with the talking a lot and me trying to get this work done before 5pm…. I think if it carries on I may have to create some kind of mini civil war to gain control of New Zealand so I can move further south and away from the Ozzies. I’m sure it’ll all calm down though, they’re just a bit excited at the moment right? Right?
It’s 4.49pm and I’d like to be out the door by 5pm so I need to start packing up and pre-empting the discussion about beetroot in hamburgers (wrong, it’s just wrong…), have a good evening y’ great galahs!
1) She talks. A lot.
2) She seems to have done a lot of crazy shit
3) She has 5 blokes on the go
4) The UK mystifies her but for very random reasons
5) Her and Kirstie seem to share a lot in common
1) The talking a lot I can handle, it’s normally about fairly interesting stuff and she is very chatty in a nice way. It’s not all bitch and moan, its gossip and stories and questions. The talking a lot when I am trying to get everything done so I can get out the door at 5pm but end up talking to her (or listening to her) for 25 minutes and then not having done anything at 5pm when she walks out the door is not so good. Curb it in woman. We’re also not at that stage yet when you can have a conversation and just break off mid way through to do work stuff or just get to a point and go “yeah…” and turn back to your screen without offending. Kirstie and I reached that point many moons ago, sometimes she’ll just get up and walk away half way through something to ask someone else a question or my phone will ring and I’ll just stop, take the call and then carry on afterwards. You know how it works? It’s work, so sometimes you have to actually do some work and pretend to look professional!!
2) This girl is probably in her mid to late 20’s and already had clocked up some crazy shit that you probably should be aiming for by 50. Well maybe that’s just naive old me…youngsters these days. Pass me that scone. Anyway, since she’s been in the UK (which is 3 months) she’s already ended up in hospital once and has been the most drunk she has ever been in her life. She went to Vegas last year and got married (I don’t know any further details as yet, it was a passing comment at 4.59pm last night and I was trying to get out the door as I said), the guy she got married to is on YouTube being hypnotised at some Sex Expo in Australia, she’s been injured quite badly on a golf course and oh the guy she married in Vegas, you’ll be amazed to hear they are no longer married. She doesn’t remember much about it. Come to think of it it did sound a bit like the plot to The Hangover…
3) 5 blokes on the go. Actually it’s 2 now, I’m over exaggerating. It was 5 and she’s managed to whittle it down to 2. Now I’m not one to judge, play the field if you want, don’t put all your eggs in one basket and all that but it’s more that I can’t quite understand how she has managed to have 5 blokes on the go…. Miaoooow! Saucer of milk for Nancy, table 4! As I said she seems nice enough but she’s not a looker and she doesn’t have the body Christina Hendricks would be jealous of. Plus as mentioned previously she talks….a lot. I can imagine the dates being quite tiring for the guy, and not always in a good way. Plus there’s the danger you might end up married to the chick by the end of the night!
4) Random stuff. Like “Wow you guys take a full hours lunch break here!” or “What is it with sweet popcorn?!” or “Why did I get an email about someone having a baby?” (The last one was a round robin to the office because one of the receptionists popped one out yesterday – we share the joy here, no harm in that?). I can understand statements like “Why is it so cold here?!” or “Why did your boss look at me funny when I talk about wearing my thongs into work tomorrow?” but she just seems to be confused about the weirdest stuff. Maybe it’s me and I haven’t come across enough Australians yet (careful). No I have, I definitely have. I’ve been to Shepherd’s Bush, I’ve drunk in a bar in London….
5) As I am sat between the two ladies from the Southern Hemisphere there is a lot banter going on across me, as you would expect. Australia this and Australia that and “aren’t the English funny about…” or “do you find that….” A lot of this is quite comical and I like to stick my British oar in sometimes and wind them up but again with the talking a lot and me trying to get this work done before 5pm…. I think if it carries on I may have to create some kind of mini civil war to gain control of New Zealand so I can move further south and away from the Ozzies. I’m sure it’ll all calm down though, they’re just a bit excited at the moment right? Right?
It’s 4.49pm and I’d like to be out the door by 5pm so I need to start packing up and pre-empting the discussion about beetroot in hamburgers (wrong, it’s just wrong…), have a good evening y’ great galahs!
Monday 18 October 2010
G’Day!
Got a new girl started today and I seem to be in charge of her daily duties (easy). Going up in the world it seems. She’s another Aussie so I am surrounded on all sides now; it’s like being the geographical equivalent of Papua New Guinea. Very chatty and bubbly and quite young (mid 20’s perhaps? Tried to work it out from her CV but it’s hard to tell) and she’s been in the UK for 3 months now. Not sure of a suitable name as yet, this will have to be considered and vetted and put to a panel of badgers before its official, I’ll keep you posted.
Poor sod has been lumbered with all of the filing shat. Actually it pretty much reminds me of me when I started here and the bollocks we were given to do. It mainly consisted of photocopying an entire back catalogue of contracts and then throwing them away 4 weeks later. After my first day I was told to ‘slow down’ as we were being too efficient and would put ourselves out of a job within days. Fair enough but there is only so much dawdling and slowing down of photocopying you can do you know? I think I might have to have the same chat with this chick as she is storming through the filing today and I’m not sure what else to give her….
Gunner organised the temp and has now fecked off to Cape Town for the week. He emailed us all this morning to say how he’d managed to get bumped up to 1st class on his BA flight and so enjoyed dinner and cocktails in the Concorde lounge before hand, has the swankiest hotel room and a view of the sea from his desk at work. I hate him. He seems to think we can employ the Aussie beyond Crimbo with the work we have to give her but I am wondering beyond Wednesday what to give her…. Ginger might be of help but she’s off to Future Ventura on Wednesday so her brain is already on the beach and she’s got a mountain of stuff to get through. Ah well, I’ll get temp signed into the system and she can check her FaceBook for 4 days like I used to. And maybe look for a new job.
I’m quite enjoying the enthusiasm of a new person though “Yay work!” “Yay filing!” Whoooo! Go team! Nice to have someone positive sat next to you who wants to have a laugh and a natter rather than a cursing, muttering, crying (yes she has cried today), cynical person. I am of course talking about Kirstie who is having a pretty shitty Monday. The whinge factor is tipping the Richter scale today so she’s been on and on and on….. I hope the new girl doesn’t think we’re all like this or have incredibly stressful jobs like Kirstie. It’s kind of odd with Little Miss Happy sat to my left and Little Miss On The Edge of a Nervous Breakdown sat to the right. My mood swings have been quite impressive today. Maybe Happy will rub off a bit on Breakdown and she’ll chill the fuck out. I’ll have a chat to Roger Hargreaves and see what we can figure out.
Poor sod has been lumbered with all of the filing shat. Actually it pretty much reminds me of me when I started here and the bollocks we were given to do. It mainly consisted of photocopying an entire back catalogue of contracts and then throwing them away 4 weeks later. After my first day I was told to ‘slow down’ as we were being too efficient and would put ourselves out of a job within days. Fair enough but there is only so much dawdling and slowing down of photocopying you can do you know? I think I might have to have the same chat with this chick as she is storming through the filing today and I’m not sure what else to give her….
Gunner organised the temp and has now fecked off to Cape Town for the week. He emailed us all this morning to say how he’d managed to get bumped up to 1st class on his BA flight and so enjoyed dinner and cocktails in the Concorde lounge before hand, has the swankiest hotel room and a view of the sea from his desk at work. I hate him. He seems to think we can employ the Aussie beyond Crimbo with the work we have to give her but I am wondering beyond Wednesday what to give her…. Ginger might be of help but she’s off to Future Ventura on Wednesday so her brain is already on the beach and she’s got a mountain of stuff to get through. Ah well, I’ll get temp signed into the system and she can check her FaceBook for 4 days like I used to. And maybe look for a new job.
I’m quite enjoying the enthusiasm of a new person though “Yay work!” “Yay filing!” Whoooo! Go team! Nice to have someone positive sat next to you who wants to have a laugh and a natter rather than a cursing, muttering, crying (yes she has cried today), cynical person. I am of course talking about Kirstie who is having a pretty shitty Monday. The whinge factor is tipping the Richter scale today so she’s been on and on and on….. I hope the new girl doesn’t think we’re all like this or have incredibly stressful jobs like Kirstie. It’s kind of odd with Little Miss Happy sat to my left and Little Miss On The Edge of a Nervous Breakdown sat to the right. My mood swings have been quite impressive today. Maybe Happy will rub off a bit on Breakdown and she’ll chill the fuck out. I’ll have a chat to Roger Hargreaves and see what we can figure out.
Friday 15 October 2010
Happy Hell Day
Conversation between me and Moody this morning:
M: Can I ask you something about the system again?
N: Sure
M: So IT Lady as asked me which of these contracts is the original and which is the amendment or is it a revision?
N: * sigh * OK you remember about half an hour ago I took you through the whole revision of a contract thing?
M: Did you? Looks at me blankly like this is a whole new concept to him
N: Yes, I told you if you revise a contract then it becomes a revision of the original and adds the new stuff to it
M: So it combines everything into one?
N: Yes, well done
M: So what happens to the old one?
N: It is cancelled in the system
M: Why?
N: * sigh * Because everything gets put into the new one – the new one is the original contract PLUS the revision so you don’t need the old one any more
M: But IT Lady can’t see the old one then?
N: She can, she can search for it on the system. Why would she want to do that anyway?
M: Well to see both orders
N: But they are both on the revision
M: Oh, really?
N: Yes
M: So how do we search for them?
Herein follows a 10 minute explanation of how to search for a contract which Moody has been shown by my good self at least 7 or 8 times in the past 2 weeks. I take him through it 3 times.
M: So why has that one got a ‘0’ next to it?
N: Because that is the original one. The revision is the one with no extra number next to it (I know this isn’t that logical but it’s just how it is and I have told him this on numerous occasions)
M: Why?
N: Because it’s set up like that. So if you make another revision this revision one will have a….1 next to it!
M: But it’s been cancelled – how do they invoice against it?
N: They use the new one – the revision which has everything to date on it
M: How will they know how to use that one?
N: Magic and fairy dust
M: Eh?
N: I don’t know, I would assume that Finance have been trained in these matters
M: So what if a vendor invoices and does it as a lump sum or doesn’t put a contract number on it?
N: Why are you worrying about this? It’s not our problem, its finances
M: But what if we are putting the wrong information in these contracts?
N: We’re not, it’s what we have been told to do
M: But…
N: Look have you had anyone from Finance down here saying you’ve put in the wrong information?
M: No but –
N: So let’s assume it’s the right information
M: OK but why is that contract titled like that?
N: It’s probably because the fist requisition was for that
M: But it’s wrong
N: Not for the 1st one it’s not
M: But the revision is for something else
N: Yes which is why we put that in the Revision Description (shows him again for the 4 millionth time)
M: But the contract, the whole contract should be called something else
N: Well change it then
M: How?
N: Er by deleting that title and putting in something else? Just a guess here, I’ve not been trained in IT.
M: Can we do that?
N: Fuck knows, let’s give it a go shall we?
M: Oooh should we do that?
N: Well unless we try you’re stuck with the wrong header (gives it a go, it works)
M: But the old original one is still wrong
N: Yeah you can’t change that as it’s been done and dusted, cancelled
M: But it’s wrong
N: Really? You should have said before!
M: What?
N: Nothing. Well why does it matter? It’s cancelled; no one is going to use it
M: This makes no sense
N: Yes it does, once you know the system it makes sense. It’s a bunch of shat and convoluted and complicated but it makes sense
M: But why is it like that?
N: No idea, maybe they did it on purpose to piss us off? Actually no, it was my idea. I did it so I could spend 75% of my working day trying to explain how it all works to you
M: So do you understand all of this?
N: Yes I do now
M: So how come you get it and I don’t?
N: Because you are a demented, retarded, annoying imbecile
M: Eh?
N: I said maybe because I use it a lot more than you and do all your work for you?
M: I suppose so
N: Anything else I can help you with?
M: Well I have this hard copy requisition and I need to put the order on the system, how do I do that?
N: Just like I showed you last time
M: Did you? Looks blankly again
N: Yes, it’s just like setting up a normal contract
M: But there’s no requisition in the system
N: Yes because you are holding it in your hand
M: So how do we do it?
N: By just…..look shall I just do that for you?
M: Er yeah ok, thanks
Time elapsed: 25 minutes
Sanity factor: Put it this way, I’m rocking in my chair
Rage scale: Very high
Need for a pint: Extreme
Possibility of violence: High
Time elapsed until next question from Moody: 14 minutes
Hours until home time: 5 ½
To top it all off today is my 2 year anniversary of working in this freak show. Happy Hell Day to me….
M: Can I ask you something about the system again?
N: Sure
M: So IT Lady as asked me which of these contracts is the original and which is the amendment or is it a revision?
N: * sigh * OK you remember about half an hour ago I took you through the whole revision of a contract thing?
M: Did you? Looks at me blankly like this is a whole new concept to him
N: Yes, I told you if you revise a contract then it becomes a revision of the original and adds the new stuff to it
M: So it combines everything into one?
N: Yes, well done
M: So what happens to the old one?
N: It is cancelled in the system
M: Why?
N: * sigh * Because everything gets put into the new one – the new one is the original contract PLUS the revision so you don’t need the old one any more
M: But IT Lady can’t see the old one then?
N: She can, she can search for it on the system. Why would she want to do that anyway?
M: Well to see both orders
N: But they are both on the revision
M: Oh, really?
N: Yes
M: So how do we search for them?
Herein follows a 10 minute explanation of how to search for a contract which Moody has been shown by my good self at least 7 or 8 times in the past 2 weeks. I take him through it 3 times.
M: So why has that one got a ‘0’ next to it?
N: Because that is the original one. The revision is the one with no extra number next to it (I know this isn’t that logical but it’s just how it is and I have told him this on numerous occasions)
M: Why?
N: Because it’s set up like that. So if you make another revision this revision one will have a….1 next to it!
M: But it’s been cancelled – how do they invoice against it?
N: They use the new one – the revision which has everything to date on it
M: How will they know how to use that one?
N: Magic and fairy dust
M: Eh?
N: I don’t know, I would assume that Finance have been trained in these matters
M: So what if a vendor invoices and does it as a lump sum or doesn’t put a contract number on it?
N: Why are you worrying about this? It’s not our problem, its finances
M: But what if we are putting the wrong information in these contracts?
N: We’re not, it’s what we have been told to do
M: But…
N: Look have you had anyone from Finance down here saying you’ve put in the wrong information?
M: No but –
N: So let’s assume it’s the right information
M: OK but why is that contract titled like that?
N: It’s probably because the fist requisition was for that
M: But it’s wrong
N: Not for the 1st one it’s not
M: But the revision is for something else
N: Yes which is why we put that in the Revision Description (shows him again for the 4 millionth time)
M: But the contract, the whole contract should be called something else
N: Well change it then
M: How?
N: Er by deleting that title and putting in something else? Just a guess here, I’ve not been trained in IT.
M: Can we do that?
N: Fuck knows, let’s give it a go shall we?
M: Oooh should we do that?
N: Well unless we try you’re stuck with the wrong header (gives it a go, it works)
M: But the old original one is still wrong
N: Yeah you can’t change that as it’s been done and dusted, cancelled
M: But it’s wrong
N: Really? You should have said before!
M: What?
N: Nothing. Well why does it matter? It’s cancelled; no one is going to use it
M: This makes no sense
N: Yes it does, once you know the system it makes sense. It’s a bunch of shat and convoluted and complicated but it makes sense
M: But why is it like that?
N: No idea, maybe they did it on purpose to piss us off? Actually no, it was my idea. I did it so I could spend 75% of my working day trying to explain how it all works to you
M: So do you understand all of this?
N: Yes I do now
M: So how come you get it and I don’t?
N: Because you are a demented, retarded, annoying imbecile
M: Eh?
N: I said maybe because I use it a lot more than you and do all your work for you?
M: I suppose so
N: Anything else I can help you with?
M: Well I have this hard copy requisition and I need to put the order on the system, how do I do that?
N: Just like I showed you last time
M: Did you? Looks blankly again
N: Yes, it’s just like setting up a normal contract
M: But there’s no requisition in the system
N: Yes because you are holding it in your hand
M: So how do we do it?
N: By just…..look shall I just do that for you?
M: Er yeah ok, thanks
Time elapsed: 25 minutes
Sanity factor: Put it this way, I’m rocking in my chair
Rage scale: Very high
Need for a pint: Extreme
Possibility of violence: High
Time elapsed until next question from Moody: 14 minutes
Hours until home time: 5 ½
To top it all off today is my 2 year anniversary of working in this freak show. Happy Hell Day to me….
Wednesday 13 October 2010
AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR STINKING DONUT!
Yesterday was weird. OK, weirder than normal. Not in a Hobbit feast kind of weird way more in a what the heck is going on round here way. I think things are starting to reach a peak in the office and all of the frustrations, stress levels and blind anger from the past month are about to implode in a messy sticky substance all over the department ceiling. You can sense the tensions in here, some in a more obvious way than others. The sweary levels have definitely gone up, if I introduced a swear box to the department we would have saved enough to wipe out the UK’s debt by next Friday. There’s also a lot of muttering, slamming down of phones and, most worryingly of all, glazed defeated expressions of those resigned to the fact they may have lost the battle and be destined to put up with all of this for eternity or until their Euro Millions ticket comes in.
I haven’t quite reached the glazed stage but I’m definitely contributing to solving some of the nation’s financial troubles with my potty mouth.
So the weirdness.
Kirstie had returned to work after a well earnt day off on the Monday. It was in theory her Flexi Friday but seeing as she had to work that and the Saturday Moon Monkey kindly offered for her to take it then. I was also her wedding anniversary (7 years) and so her and her hubby were out on the town celebrating. It seems that she isn’t even allowed this luxury as the proverbial poop had hit the fan while she’d been off. Jesus Titty Fecking Christ was she in a mood! Phoooweee! Worst I have yet to witness! The heat radiating off of her in that fit of rage could have toasted marshmallows and on two occasions she was threatening to just walk out. She even yelled at this poor sweet guy visiting from the Bangladesh office when he asked her to pick out a Crispy Crème donut from the pile he had brought in for his birthday.
“OK, fine. I have a donut now. OK?! Jesus.”
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
You enjoy that luv and try not to choke on the custard filling will you (easy)?! I was about to haul her up on shouting at someone for giving her a free donut but then thought better of it. She said nothing to me all day (very unusual, this woman is a loud Australian and as you know not one to be the shy retiring type) and so I chose to say nothing back. It was only at about 4.30pm I managed to get a little smile out of her and some calm words.
There was also a very last minute ‘stand down’ meeting called for each department. I accepted the invite as it had come from the Moon Man and seemed there was no option to not accept but had no idea what it was about. Then at 10am the whole company got up and went to their respective meetings. I think this is what they term as ‘stand down’ – I get it now….see I’m learning the corporate ways.
The meeting was concerning the company’s health and safety standards which have reached quite a low on the EHS Richter scale. Why does this warrant an entire company stand down? Good question? Well it’s going to be affecting bonuses as the H&S record is one of the many targets the company has to hit in order for people to get their just rewards at the end of the year. So of course it’s taken a priority and people have thrown down their pens and telephones and rushed to the meetings. Or is it because we are genuinely interested in the H&S of our employees? Hmmmm, such a cynic aren’t i?
The meeting dragged on for an hour but at least I had a seat – there were about 25 of us crammed in to a room designed to seat 9, surely a H&S issue in it’s own right?! What if there had been a fire? What if I had needed the lavatory? At least 15 people barred my way to the exit and I would have had to pee my pants right there in the middle of the power point presentation! We were told about the accidents that had occurred over the past year including a scolding from hot milk, a BBQ explosion resulting in 2nd degree burns and an amputated leg. Ouch. Nasty stuff. There was some talk of introducing ridiculous safety measures such as laws to abide by in the office including always holding the hand rail as you use the stairs and covers for all the coffee cups but that was quickly vetoed.
So out of one meeting and after a short while of restraining myself from stapling Moody’s face to his desk, into another giving me about 12 minutes to engulf my panini, crisps and Crispy Crème (which I didn’t shout at someone about). As the meeting was around lunch most people had grabbed something before hand or had their food to look forward to for afters, however CJ decided to combine the two and brought hers to the meeting. Now this wasn’t advertised as a ‘lunch meeting’, i.e. where lunch is provided or people BYO to chow down on. We also had a visiting speaker there so even more the reason to refrain from eating your tuna baguette and slurping your Cup-a-Soup in there you’d think? Right? Apparently not.
I have mentioned before that CJ’s eating habits are a sight (and sound) to behold and she didn’t hold back on this occasion. She plonked herself next to me and started to unwrap the baguette and stir her soup while the people from IS looked on slightly bemused by it all. The meeting started and our visitor was asked to speak about what their company would be doing to bring our departments together to work in unity…..blah…blah….. Meanwhile CJ is chowing down rather noisily. I take my hat off to the lady doing her presentation, she didn’t let the gacking or rustling of baguette wrapper put her off, even though she seemed to be watching in some sick fascination as CJ had her lunch. You know when someone tries to make eye contact with everyone in a group when they are presenting? Well she tried but nine times out of ten her gaze would fall back on CJ and I can only imagine the masticated tuna and bread being chewed that she could see. Actually I don’t want to. There was also the odd slurp of the soup and clinking of the spoon as she stirred away to get those crunchy croutons to the top of the cup.
The lady presenting had a very thick Italian accent which was hard to follow at times and my train of thought began to wander. To be honest I was once again in a meeting I didn’t understand 65% of what was being said and there were so many distractions I switched off and my train of thought went else where. I mean the combo of the accent, jargon being used, gacking and slurping, the rustling and clinking and this Italian birds look of horror at the car crash of a meal going on before her was just a bit too much.
“So as you can sees, we iz definitely in a er…..”
Gack, gack, gack…..clink…slup…
“…a er position to be ‘aving ze opportunity to, er….to…”
Rustle….munch, gack…..
“….combine ze efforts of ze….tuna….er….of ze departments.”
Meanwhile I have a series of questions running round my cranium such as “What the hell is a KPI?” “I wonder if the other half of my panini will be warm after this meeting?” “Why am I in this meeting anyway?” “What flavour soup is that?” “This Italian chick looks quite tanned, wonder if she’s been on holiday?” “I must remember to buy loo roll later”. Actually that last one was a lie, I steal the toilet roll from the work toilets. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really. Actually I do. Well not always. Or ever. Maybe.
This may all not sound that weird to you but I suppose it’s a feeling in this place that can’t be summed up in words. I have only tried to demonstrate a couple of the events of the day that went towards the weirdness and populating my mind with too many thoughts. Too many to help me cope with the 3 million questions they ask you in Starbucks anyway when I went to get my panini. They probably thought English wasn’t my first language.
“Would you like that heated up?”
“Sorry?”
“Anything else I can get you?”
“What?”
“Is that to take away?”
“Who does what?”
“Any hot drinks for you with your order?”
“Que?”
I managed to walk out with what I went in for so I can only assume some other customer took pity and translated for me or Starbucks are trained in speaking to dazed and confused people on a daily basis. It was a tasty panin anyway.
I haven’t quite reached the glazed stage but I’m definitely contributing to solving some of the nation’s financial troubles with my potty mouth.
So the weirdness.
Kirstie had returned to work after a well earnt day off on the Monday. It was in theory her Flexi Friday but seeing as she had to work that and the Saturday Moon Monkey kindly offered for her to take it then. I was also her wedding anniversary (7 years) and so her and her hubby were out on the town celebrating. It seems that she isn’t even allowed this luxury as the proverbial poop had hit the fan while she’d been off. Jesus Titty Fecking Christ was she in a mood! Phoooweee! Worst I have yet to witness! The heat radiating off of her in that fit of rage could have toasted marshmallows and on two occasions she was threatening to just walk out. She even yelled at this poor sweet guy visiting from the Bangladesh office when he asked her to pick out a Crispy Crème donut from the pile he had brought in for his birthday.
“OK, fine. I have a donut now. OK?! Jesus.”
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
You enjoy that luv and try not to choke on the custard filling will you (easy)?! I was about to haul her up on shouting at someone for giving her a free donut but then thought better of it. She said nothing to me all day (very unusual, this woman is a loud Australian and as you know not one to be the shy retiring type) and so I chose to say nothing back. It was only at about 4.30pm I managed to get a little smile out of her and some calm words.
There was also a very last minute ‘stand down’ meeting called for each department. I accepted the invite as it had come from the Moon Man and seemed there was no option to not accept but had no idea what it was about. Then at 10am the whole company got up and went to their respective meetings. I think this is what they term as ‘stand down’ – I get it now….see I’m learning the corporate ways.
The meeting was concerning the company’s health and safety standards which have reached quite a low on the EHS Richter scale. Why does this warrant an entire company stand down? Good question? Well it’s going to be affecting bonuses as the H&S record is one of the many targets the company has to hit in order for people to get their just rewards at the end of the year. So of course it’s taken a priority and people have thrown down their pens and telephones and rushed to the meetings. Or is it because we are genuinely interested in the H&S of our employees? Hmmmm, such a cynic aren’t i?
The meeting dragged on for an hour but at least I had a seat – there were about 25 of us crammed in to a room designed to seat 9, surely a H&S issue in it’s own right?! What if there had been a fire? What if I had needed the lavatory? At least 15 people barred my way to the exit and I would have had to pee my pants right there in the middle of the power point presentation! We were told about the accidents that had occurred over the past year including a scolding from hot milk, a BBQ explosion resulting in 2nd degree burns and an amputated leg. Ouch. Nasty stuff. There was some talk of introducing ridiculous safety measures such as laws to abide by in the office including always holding the hand rail as you use the stairs and covers for all the coffee cups but that was quickly vetoed.
So out of one meeting and after a short while of restraining myself from stapling Moody’s face to his desk, into another giving me about 12 minutes to engulf my panini, crisps and Crispy Crème (which I didn’t shout at someone about). As the meeting was around lunch most people had grabbed something before hand or had their food to look forward to for afters, however CJ decided to combine the two and brought hers to the meeting. Now this wasn’t advertised as a ‘lunch meeting’, i.e. where lunch is provided or people BYO to chow down on. We also had a visiting speaker there so even more the reason to refrain from eating your tuna baguette and slurping your Cup-a-Soup in there you’d think? Right? Apparently not.
I have mentioned before that CJ’s eating habits are a sight (and sound) to behold and she didn’t hold back on this occasion. She plonked herself next to me and started to unwrap the baguette and stir her soup while the people from IS looked on slightly bemused by it all. The meeting started and our visitor was asked to speak about what their company would be doing to bring our departments together to work in unity…..blah…blah….. Meanwhile CJ is chowing down rather noisily. I take my hat off to the lady doing her presentation, she didn’t let the gacking or rustling of baguette wrapper put her off, even though she seemed to be watching in some sick fascination as CJ had her lunch. You know when someone tries to make eye contact with everyone in a group when they are presenting? Well she tried but nine times out of ten her gaze would fall back on CJ and I can only imagine the masticated tuna and bread being chewed that she could see. Actually I don’t want to. There was also the odd slurp of the soup and clinking of the spoon as she stirred away to get those crunchy croutons to the top of the cup.
The lady presenting had a very thick Italian accent which was hard to follow at times and my train of thought began to wander. To be honest I was once again in a meeting I didn’t understand 65% of what was being said and there were so many distractions I switched off and my train of thought went else where. I mean the combo of the accent, jargon being used, gacking and slurping, the rustling and clinking and this Italian birds look of horror at the car crash of a meal going on before her was just a bit too much.
“So as you can sees, we iz definitely in a er…..”
Gack, gack, gack…..clink…slup…
“…a er position to be ‘aving ze opportunity to, er….to…”
Rustle….munch, gack…..
“….combine ze efforts of ze….tuna….er….of ze departments.”
Meanwhile I have a series of questions running round my cranium such as “What the hell is a KPI?” “I wonder if the other half of my panini will be warm after this meeting?” “Why am I in this meeting anyway?” “What flavour soup is that?” “This Italian chick looks quite tanned, wonder if she’s been on holiday?” “I must remember to buy loo roll later”. Actually that last one was a lie, I steal the toilet roll from the work toilets. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really. Actually I do. Well not always. Or ever. Maybe.
This may all not sound that weird to you but I suppose it’s a feeling in this place that can’t be summed up in words. I have only tried to demonstrate a couple of the events of the day that went towards the weirdness and populating my mind with too many thoughts. Too many to help me cope with the 3 million questions they ask you in Starbucks anyway when I went to get my panini. They probably thought English wasn’t my first language.
“Would you like that heated up?”
“Sorry?”
“Anything else I can get you?”
“What?”
“Is that to take away?”
“Who does what?”
“Any hot drinks for you with your order?”
“Que?”
I managed to walk out with what I went in for so I can only assume some other customer took pity and translated for me or Starbucks are trained in speaking to dazed and confused people on a daily basis. It was a tasty panin anyway.
Friday 8 October 2010
I’ll have a number 4 please Bob
We are moving offices in January, no February, no maybe……well some time in the New Year anyway. This is due to the massively expanding (careful) departments in the company and we’re taking on 70+ new people. So we’re off to the far away lands of the building next door.
This will be my second move since I started here; the first occurred a couple of months after I started - over Christmas. That was also from the building next door (the other next door, we’re not moving back), where our department lived in the bowels of the building with hardly any natural light and on the quietest floor known to all human kind (you could hear a mouse fart at the other end in the kitchen). Yes even with Kirstie working there. Luckily we are moving to the 2nd floor of the new building in a corner so we will have natural light, how nice. No SAD in this office, no siree.
Anyhoo, why am I regaling you with all this crappy dull information I hear you cry? Who cares where you sit?! We don’t want to hear about the natural sunlight Nancy! Well, thank you for taking such an interest in my general well being and I do have a point.
The point is that with moving a company the size of this it requires a lot of planning, technicalities and money. Plus lots of burly men in matching t-shirts hoiking desks and chairs and cabinets about. Wheels seem to have been set into motion already and they are in the meantime trying to ram these 70 new people into the existing space we have here. Just over from where we sit is a space that up until now has had some empty desks in it. Today it has about 40 empty desks in it and we have dividers going up, phones going in, computers being installed and chairs being rolled about.
Chairs. Ah yes on the subject of chairs we had a little chair debate yesterday and I got to fill in a survey. A chair survey. Two of the girls from EHS were wheeling about 4 potential chairs for everyone in the building to try. These will be where we park our bottoms in our new home next door. They asked that we all give the chairs a go and then score them all on areas such as comfort, ease to adjust and appearance. As you do. This created a flurry of excitement in the office (we don’t get out much) and a small stampede for the chairs. They were labelled imaginatively enough 1-4 and we gave them a good testing. Harley got so over enthusiastic he almost broke one. I picked 4 as my favourite as did the majority of people. Kirstie however didn’t like 4 at all and went for 3, which the rest of us didn’t fancy. Has to be difficult doesn’t she?!
CJ wandered back from a meeting (or it could have been Starbucks) with Saffa and they were grabbed to take part. Saffa jumped on the nearest chair and started yanking at levers while CJ stood there cross armed saying “Really? Really? You want me to test out chairs?” in her most patronising tone, as though she’d been asked to don a hair net and serve fries at Wimpy’s. Just join in you arrogant, boring twonk. She liked 4 as well.
I texted my friend to say what was occurring in the office and commented that this place is weird sometimes….well most of the time and she replied with “Er, all the time.” She may have a point. Anyway, it was a slight reprieve from the whinging old men, at least while they are trying to break chairs they’re not moaning at me about something.
I asked why we would be getting new chairs in the new office and not taking the old ones with us. Gunner quite rightly pointed out it was because “this company likes to waste money” but was corrected by an EHS girl who said the chairs we currently sit in are “crap and bad for you” so we’re getting all new healthier chairs! Think about it though, these chairs must be about £100 a pop and there will be 3 full floors of people in the new building….that’s a lot of chairs and a lot of money. And what about the old chairs? I hope they get new homes. I have visions of a wasteland somewhere in Slough with these little grey orphaned office chairs wheeling about amongst the tumbleweed looking for a backside or a friendly hand to adjust the height….. My mind goes to strange places sometimes. You may have noticed.
Kirstie informed me today that the people moving into the space next to us are the people who currently sit behind us. Er why? Well their department is expanding so they want the old people with the new people (I’m not being ageist innit tho, I mean the newbies and the staffies). Fair enough but you’re moving the people behind us to next to us for……3 months? And seeing as I am reliably informed by my sources that it on average costs £150 per person to move a desk (Really? Blimey I’m in the wrong trade here) that’s a lot of money spent for the sake of 20 yards and 3 months. Can they not just get up and walk round the corner to compare notes? Or pick up the phone? Once again, this company just seems to like to waste money. Recession? What recession?
I’m looking forward to my new chair, it’s very adjustable and has a high back (I’m banking on chair number 4 here unless Kirstie swings the vote with her low scoring for all but number 3) and will be perfect for some light afternoon napping. Simple things, simple things….
This will be my second move since I started here; the first occurred a couple of months after I started - over Christmas. That was also from the building next door (the other next door, we’re not moving back), where our department lived in the bowels of the building with hardly any natural light and on the quietest floor known to all human kind (you could hear a mouse fart at the other end in the kitchen). Yes even with Kirstie working there. Luckily we are moving to the 2nd floor of the new building in a corner so we will have natural light, how nice. No SAD in this office, no siree.
Anyhoo, why am I regaling you with all this crappy dull information I hear you cry? Who cares where you sit?! We don’t want to hear about the natural sunlight Nancy! Well, thank you for taking such an interest in my general well being and I do have a point.
The point is that with moving a company the size of this it requires a lot of planning, technicalities and money. Plus lots of burly men in matching t-shirts hoiking desks and chairs and cabinets about. Wheels seem to have been set into motion already and they are in the meantime trying to ram these 70 new people into the existing space we have here. Just over from where we sit is a space that up until now has had some empty desks in it. Today it has about 40 empty desks in it and we have dividers going up, phones going in, computers being installed and chairs being rolled about.
Chairs. Ah yes on the subject of chairs we had a little chair debate yesterday and I got to fill in a survey. A chair survey. Two of the girls from EHS were wheeling about 4 potential chairs for everyone in the building to try. These will be where we park our bottoms in our new home next door. They asked that we all give the chairs a go and then score them all on areas such as comfort, ease to adjust and appearance. As you do. This created a flurry of excitement in the office (we don’t get out much) and a small stampede for the chairs. They were labelled imaginatively enough 1-4 and we gave them a good testing. Harley got so over enthusiastic he almost broke one. I picked 4 as my favourite as did the majority of people. Kirstie however didn’t like 4 at all and went for 3, which the rest of us didn’t fancy. Has to be difficult doesn’t she?!
CJ wandered back from a meeting (or it could have been Starbucks) with Saffa and they were grabbed to take part. Saffa jumped on the nearest chair and started yanking at levers while CJ stood there cross armed saying “Really? Really? You want me to test out chairs?” in her most patronising tone, as though she’d been asked to don a hair net and serve fries at Wimpy’s. Just join in you arrogant, boring twonk. She liked 4 as well.
I texted my friend to say what was occurring in the office and commented that this place is weird sometimes….well most of the time and she replied with “Er, all the time.” She may have a point. Anyway, it was a slight reprieve from the whinging old men, at least while they are trying to break chairs they’re not moaning at me about something.
I asked why we would be getting new chairs in the new office and not taking the old ones with us. Gunner quite rightly pointed out it was because “this company likes to waste money” but was corrected by an EHS girl who said the chairs we currently sit in are “crap and bad for you” so we’re getting all new healthier chairs! Think about it though, these chairs must be about £100 a pop and there will be 3 full floors of people in the new building….that’s a lot of chairs and a lot of money. And what about the old chairs? I hope they get new homes. I have visions of a wasteland somewhere in Slough with these little grey orphaned office chairs wheeling about amongst the tumbleweed looking for a backside or a friendly hand to adjust the height….. My mind goes to strange places sometimes. You may have noticed.
Kirstie informed me today that the people moving into the space next to us are the people who currently sit behind us. Er why? Well their department is expanding so they want the old people with the new people (I’m not being ageist innit tho, I mean the newbies and the staffies). Fair enough but you’re moving the people behind us to next to us for……3 months? And seeing as I am reliably informed by my sources that it on average costs £150 per person to move a desk (Really? Blimey I’m in the wrong trade here) that’s a lot of money spent for the sake of 20 yards and 3 months. Can they not just get up and walk round the corner to compare notes? Or pick up the phone? Once again, this company just seems to like to waste money. Recession? What recession?
I’m looking forward to my new chair, it’s very adjustable and has a high back (I’m banking on chair number 4 here unless Kirstie swings the vote with her low scoring for all but number 3) and will be perfect for some light afternoon napping. Simple things, simple things….
Thursday 7 October 2010
Damn it man just approve the thing!!!
I just want them to leave me alone. Why can’t they all leave me alone? Just one day, even half a day, heck just an hour would be nice. Sigh.
Somehow, some way I have managed to become fairly adept (or should that be inept) at using this new system. I think it’s just through having to use the god damned thing every day and also with it being so flippin’ rubbish having to find out why things aren’t working, learning short cuts and how to actually use the thing. It appears those 2 ½ days of hell, also known as training were a bit of a waste of time for everyone as they didn’t cover the subject of “What to do when it all goes wrong/stops working”.
So I’m struggling along with my own shit, trying to at least get one contract out the door without some error message pinging up or Harley debating over what I have put into the system (JUST APPROVE IT BEFORE I KILL YOU!), which is bad enough. However, Moody seems to have cottoned on to the fact I seem to know what I am doing and so now I have become his personal IT help desk. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind showing people how to do something, running them through the steps to create a contract or whatever but when you have to do it again and again and again then I start to loose my patience.
This, along with the bitching and moaning about it all has created a small hit list for me. A couple of people in the office I wouldn’t mind seeing the back of, or say they didn’t turn up for work tomorrow or…ever, I wouldn’t be disappointed. The main culprits are:
Moody
Harley
I have probably spent 85% of my day helping/assisting/listening to/printing out for/pointing out the obvious to Moody. Earlier I had to take him through how to transfer some lines from a requisition on the system on to a call off he had created. It sounds about 100 times more complicated than it actually is. It’s literally 3 clicks on a mouse. The 1st time took about 10 minutes and then I had to stand there and talk him through it 2 more times. Exactly the same steps.
“So, where do I go now?” “And now what do I do?”
I stand behind him clenching my fists and raising my eyes to the ceiling. Stay calm, be calm.
Every time I actually sit down and do some work he’s at my shoulder with another question or a “can you do this…” It’s like having a child. I don’t have children but if I did I’m sure they would be able to work a computer system after being shown 3 times in a row – 1 time probably. They’d also be able to photocopy things for themselves, make decisions and not take up my time ranting about things that aren’t going to change however much they rant.
Earlier today I actually avoided going into a meeting with some guy from BT. “Oh you have the requisition for BT, well those prices are all wrong. I am meeting with BT today, you should come along.” “Why?” “Well because you are doing the order” Yes which is punching in whatever prices you end up giving me and frankly I have 3 billion other things to do today other than sit and listen to you waffle on at the BT guy. So come 1.30pm I hear him get a call from reception. I grab a piece of paper and wander off determinedly in the opposite direction. I spend 5 minutes sat on the loo trying to have a small nap, take a good look around the stationary cupboard (might need to stock up on condoms….) and when I return to my desk – success! Kirstie informs me he has gone into the meeting.
What kind of levels have I reached when I am trying to avoid this man by sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes?
Harley is annoying on a whole new level. We have an issue (which Gunner is keen to do something about) where anything we do through the new system has to be approved by Harley. So I finish something on there, send it over to him electronically then he checks it and either approves it or reviews it with some comment. You can guess that Mr Pedantic doesn’t just approve stuff very often. Actually he does fuck all most of the time. We all have piles and piles of requests building up in his inbox waiting to be approved. “Oh Nancy would you swing by and go through these with me?” “Why? They’re pretty self explanatory shit for brains, if the sums add up and you like what you see then approve!” But no, I have to go sit next to him and take him through everything I have pending.
Yesterday I actually started to lose the will to live in one of these ‘drop bys’. It was partly the system screwing up at every available opportunity but the man doesn’t really have the word ‘speedy’ in his dictionary to help things along. To start with he wasn’t at his desk for half the morning but every time he was on his way back would say “Oh Nancy would you swing by please?” I did but you weren’t there, I find it’s easier to do these things if you’re actually in the room Harley. So when I finally sit down his phone rings “oh I’ll just be a sec”. I sit there…………You know I do have other things to be getting on with, I don’t just sit with my thumb up my arse all day…..oh and he’s off the phone……and now some wanker has started talking to him…..and oh yes he’s joining in the conversation. At this point I get up to go back to my desk. “oh sorry Nancy, this won’t take long” I eventually slipped into a kind of day dream where I was staring at a calendar on the desk opposite which was set to December for some reason and wishing it was already Christmas. All the while swinging in the chair…..
….and we’re back in the room.
So the 1st one we do doesn’t go through – system error. Better report this to the help desk. I swear 50% of the current outstanding help desk tickets are from Harley. This itself is a painful process. The man has created an art form of slow one fingered typing. Searching the keyboard desperately for the next letter and misspelling most words which he then goes back and painfully re-types. By now I am wanting to cry. He questions EVERYTHING. I explain why these things are – he doesn’t seem happy – it’s just the way they are – why? – because it’s just the way it works – why? – BECAUSE IT JUST FUCKING IS HARLEY NOW JUST HIT THE APPROVE BUTTON!!
I was there for about 40 minutes in all to go through 5 or 6 things. A normal human being would have taken say 10 minutes tops.
People say to me “oh it’ll calm down, things will be settled in a few weeks” Really? You think? Because at the moment I see no light at the end of the tunnel! This place just got even more nuts.
One of the old men came up and asked if he could send me a spreadsheet of Vendors for the database. I told him sure but it probably wouldn’t get looked at for a few months. He laughed and then saw my expression and realised I wasn’t joking. “Oh, er, ok maybe I’ll leave it for mow”
Yeah maybe you should.
Somehow, some way I have managed to become fairly adept (or should that be inept) at using this new system. I think it’s just through having to use the god damned thing every day and also with it being so flippin’ rubbish having to find out why things aren’t working, learning short cuts and how to actually use the thing. It appears those 2 ½ days of hell, also known as training were a bit of a waste of time for everyone as they didn’t cover the subject of “What to do when it all goes wrong/stops working”.
So I’m struggling along with my own shit, trying to at least get one contract out the door without some error message pinging up or Harley debating over what I have put into the system (JUST APPROVE IT BEFORE I KILL YOU!), which is bad enough. However, Moody seems to have cottoned on to the fact I seem to know what I am doing and so now I have become his personal IT help desk. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind showing people how to do something, running them through the steps to create a contract or whatever but when you have to do it again and again and again then I start to loose my patience.
This, along with the bitching and moaning about it all has created a small hit list for me. A couple of people in the office I wouldn’t mind seeing the back of, or say they didn’t turn up for work tomorrow or…ever, I wouldn’t be disappointed. The main culprits are:
Moody
Harley
I have probably spent 85% of my day helping/assisting/listening to/printing out for/pointing out the obvious to Moody. Earlier I had to take him through how to transfer some lines from a requisition on the system on to a call off he had created. It sounds about 100 times more complicated than it actually is. It’s literally 3 clicks on a mouse. The 1st time took about 10 minutes and then I had to stand there and talk him through it 2 more times. Exactly the same steps.
“So, where do I go now?” “And now what do I do?”
I stand behind him clenching my fists and raising my eyes to the ceiling. Stay calm, be calm.
Every time I actually sit down and do some work he’s at my shoulder with another question or a “can you do this…” It’s like having a child. I don’t have children but if I did I’m sure they would be able to work a computer system after being shown 3 times in a row – 1 time probably. They’d also be able to photocopy things for themselves, make decisions and not take up my time ranting about things that aren’t going to change however much they rant.
Earlier today I actually avoided going into a meeting with some guy from BT. “Oh you have the requisition for BT, well those prices are all wrong. I am meeting with BT today, you should come along.” “Why?” “Well because you are doing the order” Yes which is punching in whatever prices you end up giving me and frankly I have 3 billion other things to do today other than sit and listen to you waffle on at the BT guy. So come 1.30pm I hear him get a call from reception. I grab a piece of paper and wander off determinedly in the opposite direction. I spend 5 minutes sat on the loo trying to have a small nap, take a good look around the stationary cupboard (might need to stock up on condoms….) and when I return to my desk – success! Kirstie informs me he has gone into the meeting.
What kind of levels have I reached when I am trying to avoid this man by sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes?
Harley is annoying on a whole new level. We have an issue (which Gunner is keen to do something about) where anything we do through the new system has to be approved by Harley. So I finish something on there, send it over to him electronically then he checks it and either approves it or reviews it with some comment. You can guess that Mr Pedantic doesn’t just approve stuff very often. Actually he does fuck all most of the time. We all have piles and piles of requests building up in his inbox waiting to be approved. “Oh Nancy would you swing by and go through these with me?” “Why? They’re pretty self explanatory shit for brains, if the sums add up and you like what you see then approve!” But no, I have to go sit next to him and take him through everything I have pending.
Yesterday I actually started to lose the will to live in one of these ‘drop bys’. It was partly the system screwing up at every available opportunity but the man doesn’t really have the word ‘speedy’ in his dictionary to help things along. To start with he wasn’t at his desk for half the morning but every time he was on his way back would say “Oh Nancy would you swing by please?” I did but you weren’t there, I find it’s easier to do these things if you’re actually in the room Harley. So when I finally sit down his phone rings “oh I’ll just be a sec”. I sit there…………You know I do have other things to be getting on with, I don’t just sit with my thumb up my arse all day…..oh and he’s off the phone……and now some wanker has started talking to him…..and oh yes he’s joining in the conversation. At this point I get up to go back to my desk. “oh sorry Nancy, this won’t take long” I eventually slipped into a kind of day dream where I was staring at a calendar on the desk opposite which was set to December for some reason and wishing it was already Christmas. All the while swinging in the chair…..
….and we’re back in the room.
So the 1st one we do doesn’t go through – system error. Better report this to the help desk. I swear 50% of the current outstanding help desk tickets are from Harley. This itself is a painful process. The man has created an art form of slow one fingered typing. Searching the keyboard desperately for the next letter and misspelling most words which he then goes back and painfully re-types. By now I am wanting to cry. He questions EVERYTHING. I explain why these things are – he doesn’t seem happy – it’s just the way they are – why? – because it’s just the way it works – why? – BECAUSE IT JUST FUCKING IS HARLEY NOW JUST HIT THE APPROVE BUTTON!!
I was there for about 40 minutes in all to go through 5 or 6 things. A normal human being would have taken say 10 minutes tops.
People say to me “oh it’ll calm down, things will be settled in a few weeks” Really? You think? Because at the moment I see no light at the end of the tunnel! This place just got even more nuts.
One of the old men came up and asked if he could send me a spreadsheet of Vendors for the database. I told him sure but it probably wouldn’t get looked at for a few months. He laughed and then saw my expression and realised I wasn’t joking. “Oh, er, ok maybe I’ll leave it for mow”
Yeah maybe you should.
Wednesday 6 October 2010
Will to live….losing it…
AGGGHHHHHHH NEW SYSTEM!! AGGGGHHHHH STUPID PEOPLE!! AAAGGGGHHHH GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!! AAAGGGGGHHHH TOO MUCH TO DO AND IT’S 16:52 ALREADY!!! AAGGGGHHHHH WORK RAGE AT OPTIMUM LEVELS!! AAAGGGGHHHH NO TIME TO BLOG!! AAAGGGHHHHH NO TIME TO VISIT LAVATORY!! AAAGGGGHHH HOPE TO RECTIFY THIS SOON (especially the lavatory one…)!!
Will try and blog by the end of the week but can make no promises. At least you know I have a full tank of rant at the ready and it should prove to be fairly amusing and worth the wait.
Please take comfort in the fact I have not abandoned you. Slight glitch in the proceedings and we hope to resume normal service once again soon (please god, please…).
AAAGGGHHHHH!
Will try and blog by the end of the week but can make no promises. At least you know I have a full tank of rant at the ready and it should prove to be fairly amusing and worth the wait.
Please take comfort in the fact I have not abandoned you. Slight glitch in the proceedings and we hope to resume normal service once again soon (please god, please…).
AAAGGGHHHHH!
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