You have 15 seconds to comply

And so the preparation for the move continues…..

I have stickers, we have floor plans, there are many, many men in reflective vests wandering around the place with crates and packing boxes and the biggest roll of bubble wrap I ever saw. I suggested we roll Ms Rigsby up in it and chuck her off the fire escape to see if it protected her fall, she seems game for it so we just need to find an opportunity to steal it from the reflective vests.

In the new building I am sat by a window (score) which over looks this building (not so much of a score) and my desk doesn’t join up to anyone else’s. At the moment I have a ‘spare’ desk opposite me which they are going to put Ms Rigsby at while she continues her temping duties so that’s fine by me an all. All looking good so far.

Kirstie has been put in charge of drawing up the seating plan but not for deciding who sits where, now this plan is available for public screening you wouldn’t believe the squabbles and toy throwing that has been going on. First Harley is demanding a window seat and Kirstie has to put in a request to get him swapped because he’s really stomping his foot about it – which got declined (tee hee). Then the Wee Scottish Man is moaning about who he’s sat next to (not that I can blame him, it’s not the best company), then Andre is claiming she has to sit near a window for medical reasons “because its warmer” – really in a sealed glass box with air con in a country where the sun shines for only 20% of the year?

Poor Kirstie has had it in the ear from everyone so she’s washed her hands of it, stuck it up on the wall and pointed all complaints in the direction of Moon Monkey.

There has also been umpteen emails flying about from the new building team about everything they have spent all that money on and how it is all going to work. It’s like they think we don’t know how to work in an office, use a toilet or order a coffee.

A very odd one today though about our new passes.

Ages back we had to get our photo taken for the new building passes, mine I managed to glimpse on the screen afterwards and is fucking awful. Half my face is shadow and my hair looks terrible (taken the day before my hair appointment, always the way). We all thought this was just so they could all be programmed for the new doors – new building new doors right? Well not just doors it turns out and not just passes. This is what we were told today:

“On the first day in the new building, you will collect a new security badge which will need to be clearly displayed at all times, either on a belt clip or lanyard.

With this badge, you will have to swipe every time you pass through any of the controlled doors and in the lifts. This is important as all controlled doors have cameras with face recognition capability that will flag up an alert to Security if someone doesn’t swipe or uses a different card.”

Face recognition capability?? I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware I was working for MI5 – should I destroy this blog after reading?

I’m concerned because my crap photo might mean it doesn’t recognise me – will I have to always walk around with a bad hair do and shadowy face?? And what if it doesn’t? Alarm bells, flashing lights, a trap door?? All a bit worrying really. What’s next? Finger print scanning and voice recognition? Really.

Well we’re due a fire drill any moment now (I know, 4.30pm on a Friday – I tell you I’m not coming back to the office!) so I’ll sign off. Happy weekends people.

Movin’ on up

I am choosing to have a pause in my working day. I’ve worked my arse off since 8.30am and I think it’s about time I kicked back, had some chocolate cake that had so conveniently been left in the small kitchen with a small pot of cream. Well why not.

I’m also keeping one eye out for Harley as I want him to sign 4 things for me and he seems to have a tendency to be able to disappear when you need him most at the moment. Yesterday he was incredibly illusive and by then time he was pinned down in his chair at his desk, Andre had 19 documents for him to look at, I had 5 and

Ms Rigsby had 12. See Harley, avoidance gets you now

here, we are resourceful ladies and we will hunt you down and make you pay. Or sign. Yes probably we will make you sign not pay.

So, the exciting world I live in for 9 hours a day is not that exciting at the moment. Apart from cake the week has been pretty uneventful. We do however have the upcoming office move to look forward to! The day will soon arrive where we will cross over the threshold of something looking like the Ugly Betty ‘Mode’ offices and into our sleeker, cleaner, classier abode. The photo’s on the intranet are showing the building progress and it looks to be going well, all things on track? Care to lay a bet on if the phones will be working on day 1, if

my computer is at the right desk or anyone can access the toilets?

Things I am looking forward to about the new building:

- The fact I get a window seat (OK so I’ll just be looking out at the building next to us but at least I might get a bit more vitamin B)

- The ‘break-out’ area for our department which has 2 sofas – hello nap time!

- The new canteen that will be on the ground floor serving bacon rolls for breakfast…mmmmm bacon

- Vending machines! No longer will I need to take a 15 minute round trip for a packet of crisps of chokey cola!

- Private showers, potentially less manky than the ones we use with the rest of the companies right now

- That I can pretend I work for M

ode Magazine

It’s looking seriously swanky (or wanky?) see:

That’s the kitchen….sorry ‘break-out area’. I don’t know why they call it that, I’ve looked for escape routes in the ones here and there aren’t any. I’ll probably still end up having my lunch at my desk anyway. I hope they have more than 2 microwaves and employ the use of normal bins you don’t have to make some strange hand gesture over to open.

Oh yes and the very best thing about this office

move? I almost forgot – how could I?! We get 2 whole days off paid while they do it!! We’re closed for business from 5pm next Wednesday until the following Monday morning, result! And that Monday won’t be as bad as others as I’m sure I will spend the majority of my first day arranging my photo’s on my desk, making sure all my post-it notes are in order and trying to find my computer. It’s not nearly as stressful as the last time I moved. But then that was me, my mate a hired transit van, many stairs and 32 degrees of heat.

Absence

Hello! Remember me? Names Nancy, games blogging about weirdo’s. Jog your memory? Building of Hobbit lovers, mumbling crazies and people eating with their mouth open?

A combination of annual leave, illness and the pile of 17 (yes count them) requisitions currently sitting on my desk has kept me away from any serious and important issues such as this blog. It’s a combination of excuses and they may not do to quell the vacant space in your day where you kick back with a mug of tea or a muffin and log on to read of my misfortune, japes and triumphs but frankly it’ll just have to.

And it’ll just have to for one day longer as those 17 contracts (I know – 17!!) aren’t going to write themselves unfortunately. I also have a very panicky and hyperventilating CJ on my hands who seems to be slowly losing the plot….well even more so than normal…and I think I spied a little voodoo doll of Moody on her desk the other day. I’ll use the requisitions to fan her and calm her down. Or maybe knock her out with them. Whichever is more effective.

Promise to try and write this week. Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a sausage in my eye.

And there’s more…

Found out some more details on Holiday-gate from Kirstie…

Turns out that they don’t know what happened to hubby-dearest, they are only assuming his injuries came from falling down some stairs as he was on his own at the time and he can’t remember a thing. Last thing he remembers was having a few beers at dinner and then the next thing he’s waking up the next day with a very pissed off Kirstie standing next to him, arms folded, foot tapping and saying “What the fuck did you do? Everyone hates you!”

From listening to the details we have between us come to the assumption it was some kind of drugging via his drink. He was swearing and picking fights with her family (Kirstie saw none of this as she was out with her Mum and sister that night), told his father in law to “suck his balls”, threw stuff around and then disappeared. Came back to the hotel later covered in blood with aforementioned injuries and then wandered up and down the hotel punching walls. Kirstie came home and found a bathroom covered in blood and a smashed painting and went into her Mum’s room where she heard what had happened. She found hubby in the spa/pool area being accosted by security. He then came back upstairs and wouldn’t go to bed and was shouting and swearing and pacing about and then got into bed and threw up on the floor 3 times. Woke up the next day with no clue at all.

Potentially one of the worst holiday nights from hell I have heard first hand from someone.

I also got out of her how she was the one who had it all kick off and lead to her sister not talking to her….

So most of the family were in quite a big mood with hubby for his evenings escapades even though he apologised profusely and Kirstie stuck up for him claiming he never acts like that – which apparently he doesn’t. So Kirstie goes into speak to her brother about what arseholes they are all being and not knowing that her brother is on the verge of a mental breakdown and has serious mental problems (Mum thought it best not to worry people), lets slip that their sisters husband cheated on her sis last year. Brother in his “I’m a mental person now” state of mind threatens to “stab him on the boat tomorrow” and starts kicking off. After 2 hours of Kirstie and hubby talking him down and making him promise not to say anything they go to bed. 20 minutes later her sister comes crashing into the room shouting “I can’t believe you told him!” Hmmm, don’t think he kept that promise….

Brother gets on plane and goes back home and has not been heard from since.

Meanwhile sister’s cheating hubby is not speaking to Kirstie and her hubs “ever again!” and warns his kids off them too. So now everyone hates everyone and their crazy brother is missing and hubs is in hospital with seeping wounds.

Since they got back Kirstie has made it up with her sister a bit but the other half is still refusing to talk to her (no loss it seems) but they still don’t know where her brother has gone.

So if you think you have had the odd family holiday trauma, think again people – I’m putting this one forward for the next series of “Holidays from Hell”!

Back to work for a relaxing break

Kirstie is back!! Yay! Finally some life back in the office and someone to talk to and avoid work with! She’s been in Thailand for 2 weeks with her family so I haven’t seen her since before Christmas. It’s been so quiet in the office (actually a lot of people commented on that in relation to her absence…) and I’ve missed her and the banter, lewd comments, big unexpected belches and gawping at her extravagant on-line purchases. The latter part will all change now though as she has come over to the dark side, otherwise known as….staff. This has included a bit of a pay cut so she’s been griping about that already. I’m going to have to teach her how to budget and manage on a week’s worth of lunches for £3.40.

Whilst Kirstie has been on sunnier shores (and they were, I’ve seen the tan lines and her peeling breasts – don’t ask) I have been a mini-replacement Kirstie and asked a multitude of questions and queries, 78% of which I couldn’t answer. So in truth I’ve been a bit of a shit replacement, but I tried my best. I booked taxis, parking spaces and rooms and chased Moon Monkey into meetings. She has been missed by many and finally the Moon Man knows where he’s meant to be and when.

Her holiday by all accounts doesn’t sound like the best on record. Kirstie was meant to be back in work yesterday originally but she called me in the morning to say she wouldn’t be making it in due to the injuries her husband sustained on holiday.

“Were they drinking related injuries?”

“Sigh. Yes they were. And he’s very badly sunburnt – I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. ”

Oh dear.

I was regaled with the full story this morning. Kirstie’s hubby managed to hurl himself down a flight of steps in a drunken stupor on the 2^nd night out of a 2 week holiday. They took him to hospital where he discovered he had broken his arm up near the elbow. He’d also smashed his face up and had 2 massive gouges taken out of his legs (by the stairs not by the hospital…) Good start to the holiday. Then in the second week they both managed to burn themselves on a day that was overcast and they didn’t put on any sunscreen. Slow hand clap for the Australian and lack of sun tan lotion application. Then the day after that they went on a boat trip and hubby decided to do the same again with no top on.

So yesterday for Kirstie was spent in A&E with a doctor raising his eyebrows as he prescribed some pain killers and saying “you do know there is stuff you can buy to prevent sun burn don’t you?” Got to love that medical humour. Also turns out he has celulitis (spelling?!?) which is the infection of the scars on his legs.

Today hubby was left at home with a scarred face, broken arm, blistering 1^st degree burns and pussing legs. And who says holidays aren’t good for you?

As well as the physical injuries sustained there was also some falling out amongst the family. Kirstie’s brother had a mental breakdown and had to be sent home half way through the holiday and then something else happened (she hasn’t elaborated on what as yet) which meant that her sister stopped talking to her on the 2^nd day of the holiday and is still not talking to her.

“Well at least your Mum enjoyed herself right?”

Nope, Ma was too stressed and worried about the son and the son in law crippling himself after one too many beers and the squabbling sisters.

“Ah….”

In Kirstie’s words it was in some parts an amazing holiday (oh I forgot to mention there were a lot of very cool things they did too and the sister bashing meant that her and hubby actually got to go off and do what they wanted to) and some parts a horrendous holiday from hell. She looks far from relaxed, put it that way. And she actually is glad to be back in this place which is also very worrying. Perhaps that’s what coming over to the dark side does to you?

Paper trails, trials and tribulations

So Moody has departed our rainy shores for probably just as rainy ones in NZ. And in his wake he has left a nice pile of chaos for poor old CJ. I didn’t realise how bad this actually was until our weekly meeting with Tiny from IS yesterday when she turned up with a pile of papers bigger than Tiny. We joked as we entered the meeting room that they were all of the contracts she was bringing in to discuss……oh they really are? Oh dear.

After a 2 hour hand over meeting on Friday poor old CJ (and you won’t hear me say that very often and I’ve already said it twice in this blog so you understand the extremity of the situation) was left with a trail of papers, emails and unfinished contracts that could take her quite a time to sort out. She may actually have to come into the office for a full week! Shocking! Moody has failed to file any emails, they all still sit in his in-box, he hasn’t even filed them in Outlook. I’m talking about a substantial amount of emails as well, verging on the thousands. It’s ok though because he’s printed them all off so you can spend your time trawling through the remains of the rainforest for that one key contact.

We begin our meeting which normally consists of Tiny running through all the outstanding contracts. Today her tone seems rather more agitated than usual and I get the impression she’s using the absence of Moody to vent a bit. It’s understandable though as the first on her list was 15 months over due. Ahem. The second….12 months with 5 outstanding orders against it. Right, er what exactly was Moody doing with his time? CJ jumped in to defend the Kiwi by saying that in the handover meeting he had sighed a lot and muttered “this is very embarrassing…I really should have done these by now” You think? I mean I know we can be lax about the deadlines round here but you’re pushing a year and a half on this one mate.

You can imagine what this kind of pressure has done to CJ, the sighing and head holding has increased ten fold and there was an exorbitant amount of speech marks gesturing going on. To the point that sometimes she’d go to do it and stop herself because even she realised it wasn’t necessary. Stress levels on the increase and rising…watch this space for news of explosions.

I discovered that we have a Moody replacement starting on the 14^th of February, a female replacement in fact, which wasn’t expected in this male dominated environment. Tiny has the new starter forms for her and CJ had had to go to HR to ask about it. One of the guys who sits behind her was on the interview panel so she asked him and he was very vague about it all. So what background does she have? Er I dunno…. But you interviewed her!? Why is it like the flippin’ secret service round here when it comes to new staff? The first thing we hear about it is when Harley walks up to introduce them in person to you and you’re shaking their hand. I’m intrigued to see how CJ handles a new lady on her domain (careful), I don’t think she’ll like it, I think there may be claws and handbags and some peeing on the furniture going on. Oh I do look forward to that. At the moment she’s lucky to have placid old Moody who lets her obnoxious comments and bare faced rudeness go over his head but I’m not sure a woman would let it slide. Well I hope she doesn't.

A flustered and stressed CJ emerged from the meeting room 40 minutes later with a list of priorities that have suddenly become hers. She disappeared for the afternoon and I haven’t seen her since. Maybe her car broke down. Or she broke down in her car?

Old habits die hard

I’m slipping back into old habits….today my day has mainly consisted of planning my work around my social life and other far more pressing items. I think I have spent at least 80% of the day on non-work related matters. Part of this is down to it being a Friday (naturally), partly because I have very little to do and partly because I just can’t be arsed. Here we go again, falling into the abyss of doing jack-shit and watching my brain slide off the table….

Hopefully things will pick up again next week and I’ll get back into the swing of it. It’s Moody’s last day officially today but he’s off to New Zealand for 3 weeks and then coming back for a bit so unofficially it’s not. I have 70 odd quid burning a hole in my desk draw to go out and buy him something nice from the collection we had. No idea what to get him, probably end up being some wine. Ms Rigsby was delegated the collection duties because…ahem…I was busy and she’s also taken it upon herself to bring in a wine guide and some advice from her parents today! Well top marks for enthusiasm. And enthusiasm about wine? I like this girl more and more!

Anyhoo, with Moody out the picture that means I’ll be getting most of the work as CJ will probably be snowed in/working from home – sorry I mean “working form home”/off sick/having car problems/being generally retarded. So it’ll pick up and I’ll pick my ebbing brain back up of the desk and start to use it again.

Actually it’s been quite nice to get back to the doing nothing for a few days – as long as it doesn’t stick around.

Worries me this fervour for work, what is going on? Gunner has gone and got himself a laptop and Blackberry as well – WTF?! I can’t even remember the last time we went to the pub on a Friday – scandalous! Something must be done about this; I will get on to it next week and make it a priority. Perhaps a meeting should be called to discuss the ever increasing practice of work and the ever decreasing drinking at lunch time. I’m sure if I highlighted these issues then Gunner and Ginger and everyone would realise how serious it has become and immediately call an end to the meeting and head down the boozer. Tip top. Yes, I think its for the best.

Right, in the meantime my priorities lie with an enormous dish of lasagne in the Woking area so I must dash. Until Monday….

The “Meeting”

Happy New Year peeps, all the best for 2011 and so on and so forth. How’s it been so far? Mine’s been expensive and work-wise it’s been a bit dull. No New Year shenanigans to report from anyone here - quite tame and low key by all standards and it’s taking some time to hot up again in the office. People are still away, half asleep or not bothering to do any work this week as they struggle to get to terms with being up at 7am again and having to wear something that isn’t their dressing gown or eat 5 meals a day in front of the telly. As you know I was in last week so I’m not suffering from the same symptoms but I will admit to not bothering to do any work. I’ve got little to do but even that has become a chore.

I know I know I’m never happy. I’m too busy and then I’m not busy enough! Actually I am enjoying these few days of peace as the proverbial will hit the fan next week with more shat coming in for us to do. Plus Moody officially leaves on Friday. Unofficially he’s off on holiday and then coming back for 3 weeks to do a handover to CJ and his replacement. By ‘handover’ read throwing it all into a room with a live grenade, shutting the door and walking away. CJ is freaking out to say the least. I hope to be able to sit back and watch the explosions with very little chance of any shrapnel injury.

I had a meeting with CJ and Moody today – it was our weekly catch up with the lady from IS. She’s pretty tiny but she’s also quite strong willed and feisty and I can imagine she gets what she wants all the time. She’s also very nice to boot so I like working with her as she is normal, competent and friendly – a rare combination in this place. She has this amazing skill of speaking at length and very coherently about anything whilst simultaneously creating these mad doodles on her note pad. She is the kind of person who likes to draw as she explains, so people will become boxes or bubbles and then their actions will become arrows or wavy lines, when you look back at it it makes no sense on it’s own but its helped her explanation. It always fascinates me and I must look like a right weirdo staring at her as she sketches the Eiffel Tower whilst chatting about various accounts. Tiny is also good at putting Moody in his place or cutting his rants short which is always welcome in a meeting that is already running over an hour.

Moody seemed quite chilled, probably because he knows he is buggering off soon and he had a kind of half smirk on his face every time he mentioned off loading something on to CJ. This resulted in a lot of sighing and “oh’s” from CJ’s corner – I don’t think she is in the least ready to take on his work and will either flounder or burst into flames when the time comes.

CJ was doing that speech marks thing she does in meetings. Actually she does it all the time, even in every day conversation not about work. I was noting down what words she used them on:

“uniquely”

“contract”

“stand alone”

“consultant”

“size” (when talking about the company)

“out of control”

So CJ you’re saying that it’s not really unique, the contract doesn’t really exist, you’re lying and it’s not stand-alone it’s something else, the consultant is imaginary, the size of our company is – well what the feck are you saying about the size of our company? That makes no sense in that context?! What I do know is that we are out of control though so get rid of those damn speech marks. She also used it when saying a company name – er so that company isn’t real then? We are doing business with them and spending an awful lot of money you know. Stupid cow. I think it’s become some kind of nervous twitch with her, her hands just jut up into the air and out come the fingers. She also dips her head when she does it and pauses slightly before saying the word.

“So this…”contract” has to be signed before….”year end”…”

Yes it does. All of what you have just said is fact so why with the BLOODY SPEECH MARKS?!

Maybe she used to work for the News of the World prior to this job? If we have a birthday card for her go round then I’m going to put in it “Happy Birthday” CJ and see if she comments.

Nothing else of note to report, things continue as normal(ish) and the cleaners still continue to be baffled by my hat Kirstie made me.

That is all.