Meetings – the dangers

Things are starting to calm down somewhat in Strangeways and so hopefully I’ll be transmitting on a more regular basis over the next few weeks. What with the meetings, fighting to stay awake in the meetings and the general day to day there has been scant time for doing anything else including filling you in on my many japes and jollies in the glass tower of weird.

Last week was particularly heavy on the meetings; in fact on the Wednesday it was what I would call “meeting-tastic”. One after the other, having to leave one meeting early (well technically on time its just that as we all know meetings do tend to run over as a rule – because of course we all have nothing better to do…) to get to the next and dashing for a loo break in between if time allowed. I’m making it sound like I have suddenly become some high flying whizz PA who has to attend all these very important meetings and say very important things. When the truth of it really is that I get invited along because I am loosely involved/attached some how and then spend most of it wondering what the heck they are all talking about and doodling on my pad (if I bother to take one).

It also appeared that every time I walked into a meeting room last week I also had the overwhelming urge to fall asleep. Partly down to bad timing (that dreaded 2.30-4pm slot where I’m slumping) and partly just down to lack of sleep on my part. I had one meeting with CJ and Tiny on Tuesday at 2.30pm (da da daaaaa!) in the smallest, warmest meeting room known to mankind where we were sat about a foot apart from each other round a small circular table. As soon as I sat down I knew it was going to be hard work but I was also confident in the thought it would be a quick meeting. I couldn’t physically keep my eyes open half the time and kept on pinching my left arm with such ferocity I now have a small bruise. Didn’t work, at one point I nodded off and my head fell off the hand that was supporting it and almost hit the table….I jumped awake and no one said anything but I was definitely clocked doing it, there’s no way I could have gotten away with that!

So with a big 2 hour meeting looming on the Wednesday, which potentially could be the most boring meeting of my full career in fact, I was doing a lot in preparation. While CJ and Replacement were busy printing out the power point presentation and listing questions they would ask I was drinking bucket loads of coffee and stripping off the layers. Keep cold, plenty of caffeine, a pen and pad to distract me, took my mobile in in case I needed further distraction, bottles of water for rehydration and splashing cold water on my face before hand.

All to no avail.

This meeting took place in one of the new swanky meeting rooms on the ground floor – dark mahogany everywhere, blinds closed, and a large rectangular table so everyone can see each other. What are you trying to do to me people?! You might as well hand me a camp bed and sleeping bag. The 2 hours ticked by at an alarmingly slow rate:

10.30am: Meeting begins with Luthor holding court; I have managed to sit myself opposite Moon Monkey unintentionally…. Oh and look yes the head of IT is sitting next to him, hurrah. I’m flanked by CJ and Replacement, both with pen and pads poised and at the ready. CJ has the PPP printed out so I have a quick flick through….. I will probably understand what they are talking about on page…3 and that’s it. How many pages to this? 15? I’m sorry – 15 slides? JTFC.

10.35am: Some confusion over the slides and how to work the overhead projector – yes even with 5 members of the IT department in the room.

10.40am: And we’re off! Oh god, there’s an American in the room…marvellous.

10.50am: Luthor is in full swing but Moon Monkey is intent on questioning every remark he makes, this could get tedious.

10.53am: I’m starting to feel sleepy – already?! Are you serious? Right, time to put plan A into action, commence with vigorous water drinking and arm pinching immediately.

10.58am: It doesn’t seem to be working, shit we’re only half an hour into the meeting, what am I going to do? Eyes closing…..must fight it…..fuck, I think someone just said my name? Oh god they did, they’re asking me a question, what was it?! Stay cool Nancy….

11.10am: Replacement seems to be scribbling notes on her pad at an alarming rate, perhaps she’s taking the minutes. Perhaps she’s just hoping that if she writes this all down it might have some semblance of meaning later?

11.14am: Still chugging down the water and pinching my arm, I find if I fidget every 30 seconds this helps but I think it is starting to irritate CJ and draw unwanted attention from MM….

11.18am: 1^st bottle of water has been drunk, moving on to the second.

11.25am: CJ is off on one so they are all looking in this direction, must look awake, must not look bored, lots of important people in the room…oh chirst she’s using the quotation marks with abundance again…I really want to break her fingers.

11.40am: MM has some interesting anecdotes for this meeting, I think he might just be trying to piss off Luthor (and I’m all for that). Apparently the NHS order in gloves from over 2,500 different companies and in America 2 million people have signed away their mortal souls to a company because they didn’t read the small print. A comment of “well they are American” from Harvey. Followed by a quick (half hearted) apology to the one sat in the room.

11.43am: 2^nd bottle of water is half way. Damn now I need the toilet, in my fight against the lethargy I have managed to add another nemesis in the shape of my bladder to the meeting battle zone! Curses.

11.45am: The American just actually used the phrase “Cowboy land” – I wonder if he was talking about his home town?

11.59am: Finally starting to wake up a bit now, the tiredness has lifted and I can stop focusing on keeping my eye lids open.

12:04pm: Now I can actually listen to some of what is being said….not that I really understand much of it. Apparently the IT spend over the next 3 years is close to $300m though – oh is that all?... What are you doing people? Buying diamond encrusted keyboards?!

12:15pm: My bladder is very full, I have a child’s bladder as it is and this is not going to last. A trip to the toilet will be needed shortly. Don’t want to look like a twat sneaking out though so will try and hold it.

12.25pm: Losing the will to live now, this meeting is beyond boring and none of these people will SHUT UP and let Luthor get on with his slides. We’re only on slide 7. Someone help me, set off the fire alarm, run in with some alarming news that breaks this cack up – maybe I could fake a heart attack?

12.27pm: The lights in the room just went out. Well at least that’s mildly interesting. Its one of those energy saving things where if it doesn’t detect movement it turns off. Everyone sits waving their arms about like some YMCA routine and eventually they come back on again.

12.32pm: OK so the meeting should have finished by now, why are people still talking? And only on slide 12 – ugh. Its no good my bladder is about to explode in some messy fashion all over this mahogany I need to make a run for it. I excuse myself and pelt it to the ladies.

12:33pm: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..

12:36pm: I sneak back into the room. They’re still going and slide 12 is still up.

12:38pm: Uh oh, the 2^nd wave of sleepiness is upon me. Bam, there go the eye lids and I’m finding it hard to hold my pen and pretend to write…Water…no hang on we learnt our lesson last time with that – ok arm pinching it is then.

12:50pm: We have now been on slide 12 for 25 minutes, ok we get it, it’s a pretty slide with lots of words and colours and arrows and even some keys now move it on!

12:51pm: Lights have gone off again, more frantic waving. We must look like some bunch of crazies.

12:56pm: I have another meeting at 1pm, I am really going to have to go. Possibly via the toilet again (damn you child’s bladder!) and even around the pond once to try and wake up. Hurry up people.

12:59pm: Slide 12 is still on the board, feck this I’m off.

Luckily the 1pm meeting only lasts 20 minutes and it’s in a nice shiny bright, cold room with lots of non-important people saying lots of far more interesting and non-important things. When I get back to my desk they are only just returning from the 15 slide meeting and I bump into Replacement on the way.

“So how much longer did it go on for?”

“Oh about another 20 minutes? What did you think of it?”

“Possibly one of the most boring meetings I have attended in this company.”

OK so I didn’t say that….

“Yeah it was ok, a lot of it goes over my head but I suppose it’s good to get an overview…blah blah blah….You?”

“Yeah it was good, I especially thought….”

“ANYWAY I have to get going to er, another meeting……yeah”

With the toilet.

You still here?

Moody is back for one night only. Well 3 nights. Technically 3 days and perhaps less. I guess it depends on Luthor’s mood swings and how he sees it all going. I’m hedging my bets and giving him the wine and card tomorrow just in case.

We bumped into each other in the mini kitchen this morning, I had no idea he was back today and so was somewhat surprised to see him there struggling with the recycling bins. It was a nice surprise as CJ and I were none too sure if we would in fact see him again but it seems that Luthor finally gave into our demands. But now he is back he’s also back to really irritating the number two’s out of me again. I’d forgotten how used to and laid back I’d gotten to his lengthy rants and whinges as he perches on the side of your desk. He’s also managed to catch me twice while I’ve been eating today and interrupting Nancy and her food stuffs is always a bad move in anyones book. The first time my muesli got fairly soggy and the second time my jacket potato went cold.

Not just the timing but also the waffling. I’d forgotten how much he waffles. How could I forget in such a short period of time?! He’s only been gone about 3 weeks but yet so quickly these gripes about Crapbags and life in general are wiped from my mind. I suppose I needed room in there for far more interesting and useful information?

So there he is sat on my files and post-its asking questions about everything and anything and nothing at all and I realise that I haven’t really actually missed him at all. That sounds terrible doesn’t it? I mean I like the guy and his weird, quirky ways but when it comes to working he is actually a massive pain in the arse. It may also be that since he hasn’t been here it’s been more obvious how much he hasn’t done and I’ve even found myself feeling sorry for CJ on occasions.

What’s going on?!

Still, Moody keeps pressing the point that he doesn’t want to get involved in anything, that he’s not here long so there’s no point. This is a true and valid point so please keep away from me with any work matters thanking you please.

We have also had his replacement start and she has been here a week. Replacement is currently nameless as I haven’t spent enough time with her to form a full and rounded opinion or ideas for a nick name. There have been a couple of occasions where Ms Rigsby and I have sat with her at lunch and frankly struggled to make conversation. She does from initial impressions seem amazingly dull. Even her voice is quite dull. You know people who don’t really use a lot of emphasis in anything they say, not a lot of variation? Monotone. Eventually I gave up and Ms R heroically continued with the banter. When Replacement walked away we gave each other a look that said “that was flippin’ hard work” and have since avoided the mini kitchen when we see her reach for her tupperware.

The thing is with new people you have to bear in mind they are, well, new. So perhaps they are seeing how the land lies, judging what they can and can’t do/say in the work place, deciding how much of themselves they want to bring into the work place. I mean even I was very quiet when I started here (I know, hard to believe) and eventually started getting a bit more lively when I realised what a bunch of extroverts and weirdo’s I was working with. But then there is always a hint of what could possibly be and at the moment Replacement is giving me nothing. I’m not sure she’ll be joining in with any vagina jokes or looking at shoes on line with Kirstie and Ms R. Ah well, we can’t win them all.

So out with the moaner and in with the monotone. One freak replaces another. It’s the way things should be.

Lord of the kitchen

Today I spent my lunch break with Andre which is always an interesting and odd experience. I was late into the kitchen so by the time I was warming up my spaghetti hoops (in your face Facilities!!) there was only me and the Hobbit lover left. Ms Rigsby hung around for a while and left me with a copy of Grazia magazine which I tried in vein to be engrossed in but lets be honest I’m not a Grazia kind of girl so it was never going to happen. Some how we got talking about walk-in wardrobes which lead on to a discussion about the many outfits and costumes she owns and then there was the talk about Warwick Castle and trying to get her 10 year old nephew interested in working for a king in a reconstruction workshop (and failing) and the time she went to a convention and how odd it is heading back to your hotel room in the lift with Jar Jar Binks and Roj Blake.

You know the usual lunch time banter you have with people at work.

Part of me wants to inhale my hoops, burning my mouth, throat and all corresponding internal organs, throw my empty bowl at the sink and run back to my desk but the other part of me is always very fascinated by Andre and what makes her tick. She’s odd but she’s interesting. She’s got a bit of a strange set of priorities and outlook on life but she’s also very intelligent and can tell a funny story.

So I stayed and I listened and we talked about how she got drunk on some guys perfume in the other office because it was so strong. Literally, I’m not talking about the phrase I mean she says there was so much alcohol content in it she inhaled that and got tipsy. I really had no idea that was possible. She also told me about her friend who watched some historic film with her and they had children working on a ship and her friend asked why so Andre told her back then kids just worked so her mate asked “what about the heath and safety issues?” Andre had to then go on and point out that they didn’t exist in the 1500’s but flogging and scurvy did.

One day I would like to go to Andre’s house for tea and sit with her and her dear old Mum having an Earl Grey out of some bone china, sat on a sofa from the 60’s watching re-runs of Blake 7 and Dr Who. Then we’d eat some medieval feast for dinner and she’d show me her wardrobe and collection of lethal 16^th century weapons. I’d stay over in the spare room where she keeps her spare long staff and lie in a single bed with a Lord of the Rings duvet staring up at posters of Star Trek characters. Amazing. I’m itching for an invite, might have to drop a few hints over lunch.

Otis! My Robe!

I’ve mentioned before that my job role is changing somewhat (unbeknown to me initially) and whilst I haven’t been given any objectives or final answer about this things seem to be seeping through the woodwork. I’ve been invited along to numerous meetings with numerous teams and heard whispered conversations about who is meant to be doing what and how that will affect everyone. It can get to be a bit tedious if I’m honest, all this drip, drip of information – just hurry up and tell me what you want me to do! I don’t mind doing it (well I might but I’ll have to regardless) so just firm up the details and send me the memo.

A lot of this seems to be stemming from one individual in particular, a man who I have now been informed will be my new boss. Joy. Whilst I do moan on about Harley and Moody this guy is likely to provoke moaning cranked up a level and probably some serious hard core ranting. Tighten your seat belts. So far he’s only managed to push my buttons a couple of times and it’s not been a case for rant-o-rama but you know when you can sense the potential? I’ve heard rumours and seen the evidence, all nicey nicey on the surface and then stabs you in the back with a fork when you’re not looking.

Luthor (as I like to call him because he is quite possibly an evil genius with a huge underground swimming pool and access to a crate of kryptonite) can rub people up the wrong way just by entering a meeting room and I’ve already snapped at him twice. I must remember this is the man who will be defining my bonus next year… So far a couple of irritants have been the fact that he’ll only give you half the information you need and expect you to polish up your crystal ball or just invent the other half for yourself. I often receive emails with:

Nancy,

Please progress with set up.

Have a nice weekend.

Luthor

Below will be a massive chain of emails from various departments talking about something I have no clue about and by the end of reading not the foggiest as to what I am meant to be progressing. 9 times out of 10 I have to walk over and ask him what the feck he wants me to do. He also has that annoying way of acting like he has already imparted all of his wisdom and knowledge on the subject to me and so I am of course being an idiot in asking him about it. “You know, the thing we discussed in the meeting?” Oh right. The ‘thing’. Of course I am so sorry, what a retard I am for not linking the ‘thing’ with your cryptic email. Sack me now.

He almost made CJ cry in a meeting with him and Moody last week, he’s determined not to let Moody walk back in the door again even though CJ and I are fighting for it (there are one or two rather important matters to clear up with him?), he seems to do everything his own way and follow the minimum amount of protocol and has the highest sense of self-importance I have ever come across in a person. He doesn’t get involved in the ‘little things’ with the ‘little people’.

In conclusion a grade A twat who I will most likely not be on best terms with. And now he approves my annual leave, awards my bonus and is the man to go to when I have any issues. So what do you do when the issue is the person you go to your issues with?!

Currently I am ignoring the fact he’s the dude to answer to and still consider Harley to be my big wig (careful) and I will continue to do so until directed otherwise. Or am stabbed with a fork.

New home

Well new office, new desk, new pass and new rules….

It seems to be living up to its reputation so far for swanky-ness. I walked into the main foyer this morning and was ushered into the main canteen on the ground floor to collect my pass. Free fresh coffee on offer as well so I grabbed a mocha as one does. I then got in the lift to go up one floor without thinking I could just take the stairs. Me and one guy from the company on the 4^th floor (we are not alone…) got in and it started going down not up. Picked someone up from the car park level, back up to ground floor and more people get in. Then about to go and the doors open again and then the people say “oh no we’ll get the next one”. At this stage the original guy in the lift and me are pissing ourselves laughing thinking we may never leave this lift again. As I fought my way out onto level one I wished him luck in reaching the 4^th floor!

My desk is much of a muchness, I have a lovely view of the fire escape and if I crane my neck can see a small portion of the lake. I’ve got Ms Rigsby sat opposite me but we can’t see each other as the tall desk partitions are back even though we were promised they wouldn’t be. At least I have somewhere to stick up my post-it notes. My phone is new and has a mini computer screen on it and my name! Although it doesn’t seem to work very well. I’ve had several people call me and shout “Hello Nancy?!” down the phone and not be able to hear me. The last woman said I sounded like a Dalek just before the line cut out. Teething problems I think.

Ginger and I had a wander round this morning and it’s all looking very impressive, bit empty and huge at the moment but I’m sure that will change. The main kitchen downstairs has about 15 microwaves in it which seems excessive. Even the toilets are impressive! And it takes a lot for a toilet to impress me.

We are now going green and have a ‘bin-less’ office. I bitched about this this morning until I realised I had voted in favour of this prior to the move. Ah. I suppose it is a good idea. We have no bins at our desks only in the kitchen where there is the recyclables, food waste and general waste. Hopefully people will soon learn that a piece of kitchen towel does not count as food waste and you are able to recycle paper.

We have a small kitchen in our corner which is well equipped and randomly has a photocopier and printer in it as well. So to get my printing I have to go to the kitchen. But at the moment I can’t print to that printer. Which is handy.

Earlier Ginger and I were making our lunch in the little kitchen. It has coffee/tea a kettle, fridge and 2 microwaves. So I am heating up my spaghetti hoops and Ginger her Chinese. Some guy from facilities who is loitering about comes over to tell us off:

“You can’t heat up food up here”

“Er why?”

“Because the ventilation system on this floor circulates it round the other floors so it spreads the smell”

“You mean just like the old building where no one seemed to mind? And where do I eat my lunch then?”

“You have to take it to the kitchen on the ground floor and cook it and eat it there because the ventilation system is different”

“So why do we have 2 microwaves?”

“That’s for heating up porridge and hot drinks”

“So you’re telling me you find the smell of my beans offensive but not my porridge and why would I reheat a coffee?”

“Well, you just can’t eat that here”

Eventually he walked off and we continued cooking our lunch and ate it at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. I can understand them saying you can’t eat it at your desk but I am not taking my tin of beans, loaf of bread and trekking all the way downstairs to cook it and eat it. Fuck that. Ridiculous. I’ll wait for my formal warning before I stop enjoying my spaghetti hoops at the breakfast bar. It was quite nice as well, me, Ms Rigsby, Ginger, Kirstie and Andre all chatting and eating. If I went downstairs I’d be a right nobby-no-mates on my own. Feckin’ jobsworths. It won’t last, there will be an uprising!! “We will rise up and stab them with our plastic forks!”

Work wise I have achieved very little today you’ll be surprised to hear. Too many distractions, too much free coffee to drink, too many places to go and people to find. I’ll start a-fresh tomorrow I’m sure.

Right.

Fitness Freak

We have this ‘thing’ at work over Feb called “February Health Club” or something and the idea is you are meant to try and set yourself targets to lose weight or do more exercise or give up smoking or whatever. I can’t be arsed with it as I don’t have the time or the inclination but now Saffa has gone all Mr Motivator on us and has entered the department against the EHS team. We’re not going to win; we’re a bunch of unfit alcoholics, 70% of which are fat old men. I think she just wants to loose weight and is dragging us all along for the ride.

Don’t get me wrong, normally I am all up for the team stuff but this is like enforced healthy living. I got told I had to pick 3 or 4 so I picked 2. I am eating 5 pieces of fruit and veg and day and drinking 4 bottles of 50cl water and I’m going to cycle 4 more km a day. Maybe.

The options are:

Fat Club: set a target weight loss or body fat % loss

Fitness Club: set a target of how many runs or visits to the gym you make each week, for example

Food Club: can you eat 5 pieces of fruit every day or limit yourself to chips once a week?

Fag Club: can you give up smoking or cut down for 4 weeks?

Firewater Club: set a target of so many units of alcohol or even complete abstinence for 4 weeks

OK so I’m not fat and don’t really need to lose weight, I’m already fit enough thank you very much, I hardly eat chips and I already have lots of fruit, I don’t smoke and you can sod off if you think I’m giving up drinking for 4 weeks – where’s the sense in that?! It’s not that I can’t do it you understand, it’s that I don’t want to. Honest.

I’ve never seen Saffa so motivated about something, she’s running round the office with these flyers and waving them in people’s faces. Kirstie has been dragged into the mix by agreeing to help organise it. Apparently there is some incentive on offer as well, like a prize. Well it’s not going to be a cocking bottle of wine is it? Probably a spa day or a free health check up or some such choz. I’ll have a family sized bar of Dairy Milk please, it’s ok I’ll take it to the spa with me. Not that I am going to be close to winning this thing, I don’t think my heart’s in it (you may have noticed by the tone of this blog? No?) and frankly I have better things to be doing than extra sessions down the gym….like extra sessions down the pub.

Anyway, enough of my griping. The move is almost here, I’m surrounded by boxes and removal men and utter chaos. All that remains on my desk is my computer, a contract, 2 boxes of condoms (managed to offload the other 2) and my phone. They told us to make sure we were packed up by 3pm but that the office would close for business at 5pm. Hmmmm, anyone else see a flaw in that logic?

The next time I’m writing to you it’ll be from the new, swish, state of the art offices across the way – ooooo exciting! I’ll be celebrating with a bacon sarnie first thing on Monday from the new canteen….oh no, sorry I mean a banana and a bottle of Evian….sigh.

I beg your pardon

My jaw hurts from laughing too much, we’ve got an attack of the giggles in the office today. It has arisen from a multitude of things, most of it filthy and all of it hilarious. Everything has just degenerated into chaos now and I can’t say anything to Kirstie without finding innuendo in it. Earlier I made her spray the water she was drinking all over a power point presentation and then Ginger joined in and Ms Rigsby wanted to know what we were laughing about….

It all started this morning at breakfast (yes its been going on all day, I’m pretty sure the guys sitting opposite us have invested in some ear plugs by now or will try and eject us from the office some how) and for some reason – I forget the specifics – I started singing the song “Rose Garden” by Lynn Anderson (if you don’t know it you might want to You Tube it now so the rest of this blog is mildly amusing rather than confusing to you) but an alternate version that myself and some friends made up (well I say made up but I’m sure there’s nothing ground breaking about our adaptation) on a holiday in Greece some time back. And so the 2 lines I sang to Kirstie as we walked through the office were:

“I beg your pardon, I never promised you my lady garden”

Kirstie found this hysterical and now the song was stuck in my head so cue many versions popping up all day long. Kirstie was also throwing in questions about the said lady garden in the song. “But what if your lady garden is all barren and dry and hasn’t had any upkeep?” “What if it needs the lawn mowed?” “You don’t need to see the lady garden to tender it…” and so it goes on.

Ms Rigsby and her impressionable and inquisitive young mind piped up this afternoon, enquiring as to what we were crying with laughter about. Kirstie said she shouldn’t know as it would sully her thoughts but she insisted so I had to explain things to her. Bear in mind she is a young whipper snapper as well so I had to first explain the song and sing the original to her.

“So there’s this song and it goes….”

“OK, I don’t know it”

“No, it’s quite an old song. Anyway we were making it into a rude version”

“How?”

Seriously this girl is so innocent sometimes…

“Well by putting an extra lyric in front of the word ‘lady’”

We now watch the expression on her face as she frantically thinks of what word this could be…

“Would that word be….lady?”

“Yes, yes it would.”

She went puce and giggled and then didn’t really know what to say. Then she googled the song and found out the lyrics and who it was written by and I’m now afraid of what I’ve started.

Then Kirstie sang quite loudly that she could smell my lady garden as Ginger was walking past! Then Ginger asked her what she said and she once again sang it at top volume. Ginger then posed the question of how Kirstie had smelt my….well you get the picture.

Gunner was looking perplexed at this point so I warned him this was one conversation he did not want to get involved in and he retreated immediately. He knows his place does Gunner and is quite happy there and away from any lady-parts talk.

Honestly I think the women in this department are worse than the men when it comes to lewd language and smutty talk. Well ok, some of the women. Well, alright…us. We’re just making the most of it before we are cruelly separated in the office move. I’ll be a whole 2 desks away from Kirstie there and so may have to resort to emails and shouting over the tops of other people’s heads.

“HEY KIRSTIE! A ONE, TWO, THREE……I BEG YOUR PARDON….”