Lame!

Don’t worry I haven’t injured myself in a bowling accident just yet, that’s for later. I am referring to the lame-ness of my work colleagues. Someone pointed out to me earlier that I shouldn’t really be surprised and I guess I’m not, maybe disappointed is a better word.

We have now gone from over 20 people to 13 with 12 bowling. With excuses ranging from chest infections to “I forgot” (Harley – LAME!) and then people just not coming because they can’t be arsed. Hello? Free food, drink and entertainment?! Most places I have worked at you’d be trampled to death by the rush for the free bar but not here apparently. They are acting like they’re being forced to go to the dentist or something with all the complaints and whining. “When will it finish?” “How can I get home?” “Oh no I won’t be drinking.”

You’ll also be sad to hear that Saffa is amongst the bailers, she’s still off sick and so won’t be coming bowling, won’t be drinking, won’t be spilling her worldly secretes to me and Kirstie and won’t be disappearing off into the London night to stay with a ‘friend’.

CJ has turned up for work and will be eating but not bowling. I guess if I’d had some kind of operation a few days before I wouldn’t be bowling either but the weird thing is she has booked a hotel near the bowling lanes?! I don’t think she is planning to drink and if she’s recovering from that boob job or whatever it is she had you’d assume she would be on the cola and if she’s going after the food she’ll be done by 8pm so why the hotel room? Donna and I plan to use this to our advantage for a wind up later though. “So is the party carrying on back at your hotel then CJ? You got a mini bar?” Stand back and watch her freak out as her sense of sarcasm and humour fail to engage and she has visions of Gunner jumping up and down on the bed while Kirstie’s being sick in the sink with the night porter banging on the door. Well it could happen?

So that leaves the usual suspects (the normals), Moon Monkey, CJ, Moody (who is REALLY moody today – he has shouted at a lot of people on that phone!), the wee Scottish guy, Miss Jean Brody and a handful of crusties. Whooo. Now that Ginger, Gunner, Kirstie and I have discovered we work with a bunch of boring bastards we are determined to drink and eat and bowl as much as we can and use up the £50 per head allocated to the 20+ original people coming. Kirstie has suggested we start the evening with a Baby Bison shot off the menu (we printed out the cocktail menu at 9.30am this morning) and we plan to carry on as we have started! Bring on the crippling hang over and 8.30am start for work followed by the 10am team meeting!

I promise to do my best to gather as much gossip, information and comedy anecdotes tonight as I can. I also promise to try and remember all of it in the morning so I can relay it to you.

Let the games commence!!

Injuries and Absences

The bowling night is fast approaching, one more sleep until we strike out! The teams are picked, the trophy and wooden spoon have been purchased, and the menu’s distributed. All is prepared.

However it’s all going a bit tits up when it comes to the attendees. It even looks as though Kirstie and my evil plan will be thwarted at the first stage. Plus no Andre and maybe no CJ…..It’s all falling apart.

Kirstie picked the teams yesterday, she did the honest thing and put all our names on individual pieces of paper, balled them all up, stuck them in a paper cup, shook them up and then picked them out into 3 teams of 5. The team I ended up on consisted of:

Me
The wee Scottish guy who sits next to Andre
Ginger
Moon Monkey (you’re fucking kidding me right?)
CJ (oh yes)

Needless to say I wasn’t that impressed with the 1st selection. Kirstie had ended up on a team full of old duffers and Gunner had done alright on a team with Moody, Saffa, Miss JB and another normal. I put my foot down (or more likely stomped) and Kirstie swapped herself and CJ so CJ was with the duffers and she also moved Ginger on to Gunners team and took Saffa from there. So now my team looks like this:

Me
Kirstie
Saffa
The wee Scottish guy who sits next to Andre
Moon Monkey

We can put up with MM, I plan to give him some hilarious nick name for the bowling scores (not Moon Monkey though, that would be far too obvious) and someone’s got to have him on their team don’t they? CJ however would have been a no no for me, I may have had to excuse myself from the evening and spent it tearing my eyelashes out with tweezers instead.

So teams are picked; 15 of us in all but there are some potential problems on the horizon. Turns out Andre isn’t coming - I know, I know I am as gutted as you are! She said as she can’t bowl, doesn’t drink and probably can’t eat anything on the menu there she’s going to give it a miss. Blimey, I bet she’s a laugh and a half on a night out at the weekend. Miss Jean Brody is another potential bailer as she is ‘maybe seeing my boyfriend’ which just sounds lame. The IT Geek (he of Christmas party fight fame) has dropped out because of relatives arriving and some of the crusties have decided against it.

After my initial panic about teamster CJ she might not even be there as she’s still not back in work. She is now meant to be back in tomorrow and Kirstie reckons she will come as there will be free food and drink on offer but we shall see. There was more over heard phone conversations this morning and the words ‘operation’, ‘rest and recover’ and ‘what do you want me to tell them?’ were heard from Moody. I gauged from what he says Moon Monkey doesn’t even know what she’s off for which is odd, you’d think the head of department would know their staff’s whereabouts. Ginger reckons CJ’s having a boob job and will turn up with a couple of her own bowling balls tomorrow.

But the biggest blow of all is that Saffa is off sick!!! Nooooooooooooooooooooo! She’s been off since Friday and Kirstie thinks we won’t see her tomorrow either. Chest infection, very sick and ill and unable to come in. So that’s ‘Operation Saffa’s Secret’s Revealed’ scuppered! Damn and blast and buggeration. Everyone keep their fingers crossed that she turns up tomorrow dosed up to the eyeballs with Day Nurse and sporting her best bowling glove.

The countdown will begin tomorrow and I shall bring you all the breaking news on the lead up to this much anticipated sporting event as and when it happens.

Happy St George’s Day!

A day in the calendar generally overlooked or forgotten by the average Englander, unless they happen to stumble across the specially designed Google logo, walk into Clintons Cards or, like me, work with someone who wishes they had been born in the Middle Ages.

Andre is in her element today! Full get up going on with tabard, flowing shirt and cape and laden down with original, home made bread pudding. In she walks at 9am in all her regalia grinning away! That is until she realises that there are only 2 other people sat in the office smiling back. She’s prepared enough pudding for 20 people but looks like she’ll only be feeing 4 including herself. It’s another quiet Friday in the office and Andre foolishly relied on the holiday calendar to try and determine who would be in today. School girl error. But it’s ok; it just means we will all have bigger portions!

Hang on; didn’t she bring in bread pudding last year as well?

Wasn’t it actually a bit stodgy and not very tasty?

Damn.

So at 10am on goes the cloak again and out comes the trolley trundling down the hall. “Cream with your pudding?” “Yes please”. I decide to dive right in and get this over and done with while Ginger and Moody savour theirs and leave it for lunch time. I’m not prepared to face this pudding cold so on I go….. Actually it’s not too bad, bit bland (but then what can you expect from medieval cooking?) but fairly tasty. Filling though…..eugh……must…..finish……she’s…………sitting behind…..me…..watching….agh. Done. Phew.

An hour passes.

Ow. Belly ache, that pudding is not sitting well. I email Ginger and warn her of the dangers of the pudding. Ouch, painful, pudding expanding in stomach...

Meanwhile Andre passes round the room showing off her dragon (and no that’s not a euphemism) to all and sundry and explaining the origins of Mr George. Yes, we heard it all last year and I think you got your dragon out then as well luv.

I went off to sun myself for a bit at lunch time with Ginger promising to come and join me in “just a minute”. I’m gone half an hour and she never materialises so when I return and question her absence she is seething!

“I only just bloody got away from her (‘her’ being Andre)! She kept going on and on, her phone went at one point and I thought I’d escaped and then she came straight back!”

Just before I went to lunch Ginger had made the fatal mistake of taking an interest in Andre’s lunch, asking if it was a celebratory one. She then got the low down on pottage, how it is made and what is in it and even how the people in the middle ages used to have it for breakfast! Once I’d gone Ginger then had a chance to taste some – lucky, lucky – and then had some further history explained to her. Andre then went from spices in her lunch to how spices were discovered and used then about a young guy she used to work with who was chauvinist and she got him back by ………

…….phone rings (yes! Ginger has escaped!) ……….

………..calling her mother (Damn!) (How did calling her mother get him back? Maybe he had to go through the ordeal of listening to her wittering on?) Then how she spent 30 minutes arguing with her mum over whether to use a swirl or straight pattern on her embroidery and then about her old boss and a hilarious prank they played on her (the boss). The boss used to leave loads of her clothes at work so one morning Andre and her colleagues used a hat stand to dress it up all in her clothes and shoes apparently she wasn’t very happy. Loser. That sounds like a decent prank to me that should have been taken in good humour.

At this point I walked back in, distracted Andre and Ginger made a run for it. Poor thing. I’m glad I missed it, this day is dull enough as it is. I’m also glad we only have one St George’s Day a year, Andre is far too over excitable today and it’s a little bit disconcerting.

Oh…’scuse me, think that bread pudding is making a break for it. Enjoy the sunshine people!

The plot thickens….

Today Kirstie and I have been emailing the whole long day through…..or part of it…..mainly this morning actually. Anyway. Further CJ updates follow, it’s all a bit mysterious……

* cue Scooby Doo music *


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 09:37
To: Kirstie
Subject: Silent Scream

Aggghhhh Moody is driving me nuts! Thank god he is on flexi tomorrow!

Apparently CJ is now off until Tuesday so put that down in your absence book. Don’t know why, I shall endeavour to find out or you’re welcome to ask too….


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 09:45
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

I hate to be the one to break it to you, but I think he might be here tomorrow, he was saying last night that he’ll have to be here cause CJ isn’t.

I know, he mentioned last night that she was off today and tomorrow, didn’t know about Monday though. Will check the holiday calendar see if Harley has logged it as holiday!!

You’ll have to do the scouting seeing he’s already mentioned it to me.


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 09:49
To: Kirstie
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Damn it. Thought I was going to have a nice quiet Friday. He just tells me one thing so I do it and then comes back to me saying “this should really be worded like this…I’m just being pedantic” and I say “well you actually told me to word it like that originally”. “Did I? Oh well, this is how it should be”. And so it goes on. I think he’s going senile.

I will say something about him not being in tomorrow and then he’ll have to tell me he is because of her and then I’ll ask why she’s not in.

“Is she on annual leave?”…..”Oh, is she ok then?” * concerned face *


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 09:57
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

I don’t know how you put up with it, it would drive me mental … he’s such an old woman sometimes.

Hehehehe. Do, I would like to know what the hell is going on with her.

I’ve checked the holiday calendar and she’s on annual leave on Monday, but nothing in the calendar for today and tomorrow.


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 10:05
To: Kirstie
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

OK I’m on the case…..


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 10:06
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Good good …


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 10:55
To: Kirstie
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

I just asked Moody and it went like this:

“You’re not in tomorrow are you Moody?”

“Yeah I am now”

“Oh?”

“Yeah because CJ is off until Monday now”

“She got annual leave?”

“Er yeah…..”

Big pause where he is kind of giving me this look to say “not really but I can’t say any more” – I hold this look expectantly hoping he will crack.

“Yeah, well kind of – I can’t really say any more than that”

“Oh ok, well whatever” and I shrug my shoulders like I’m not that interested anyway.

Dah dah daaahhhhh! Maybe that mental breakdown has happened?!

What I don’t get is that if something is going on at home when she does come into the office then she doesn’t seem that upset or anything. E.g. yesterday she kept on (attempting) to make jokes and things. I was thinking perhaps it was a family issue, like a sick parent or dying grandparent or something but I’d assume she’d be a lot more subdued if that was the case.


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 11:03
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Ooh … very interesting.

What ever it is it seems odd that it doesn’t seem to be affecting her while she is here. I can understand that she may not want to drag personal stuff into work, but you would think that it would affect her behaviour like you say, make her more subdued or something … but there is nothing. But maybe it goes with the ball breaking attitude and doesn’t want to show any human traits so she isn’t perceived as weak or something stupid like that.


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 11:14
To: Kirstie
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Yeah it could be, or maybe it is something positive that is happening but requires her to have some impromptu time off of work? Like a female to male sex change? ;) Blimey, the ideas are limitless aren’t they? He he.

I know I can’t stand her and would like to smash her face in sometimes but I hope she is alright and it’s nothing serious.

To be honest when Moody told me he had a smirk on his face which was almost like he was a bit amused or fed up to the point of laughing about it all. I’ll demonstrate what I mean at lunch. It kind of made me feel like it was something trivial.


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 15:00
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Moody is just talking to CJ on the phone about her being off for the next three days and him being here to cover … he’s just said good luck!!!! Wonder what she needs luck with???


From: Nancy Clueless
Sent: 22 April 2010 15:01
To: Kirstie
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Hmmmm…….who knows? I’m baffled!


From: Kirstie
Sent: 22 April 2010 15:04
To: Nancy Clueless
Subject: RE: Silent Scream

Me too … very strange indeed

‘Phase One’ completed

Operation ‘Saffa’s Secrets Revealed’ is underway. I have the exciting news that next Wednesday, the evening of our bowling japers, Saffa plans to stay in London and so will be able to consume alcoholic beverages. My top spy on the floor, Kirstie found out this information and relayed it via email:

“I had a chat with Saffa last night and she said she’s going to arrange to stay in London next Wednesday night, I suggested we could have a slumber party, braid each others hair, sit up and chin wag all night, but she just laughed at me!!”

She was of course jesting but this immediately brought to mind an image of the three of us piling back to Kirstie’s and then sitting up all night watching The Breakfast Club and painting our nails, which is not the way the evening will end up.

Shame, I haven’t watched The Breakfast Club for ages. Or done my nails for that matter.

But I digress (for a change), Kirstie is planning to sort the teams out next week and will ensure that she, I and Saffa are in the same lane so that our evil plan can be put into action. The plan being beers, sambuca shots and then when she is wasted enough, pointed questions to plug Saffa for information on those flowers; the mystery blonde and just what happened those days she was missing from the office. We now just have to think of a way of bringing up a suitable topic of conversation about significant others and stuff. I have offered to get drunk with Saffa so it doesn’t look suspicious when we make her do shots (well it’s the least I can do) and am just hoping that I can drink her under the table (I’m not too concerned on this front) so I can remember what she says and it doesn’t end with me spilling my life story instead.

Yes, this plan needs to be fool proof…..or made by fools? Well it’s going to be one of the two and executed with military precision if we are to succeed and reach our ultimate goal! Gossip! Yes gossip for us all! And I include you in this readers, I’m doing this as much for you as I am myself because I know you’re just as intrigued to know what’s going. Plus I’ve built this up to such a level that I am shit scared I might wake up on Thursday morning with nothing. No, no, think positive Nancy, it will happen, we will be victorious!

So with all this in place that just leaves one question – where does Saffa plan to stay in London next Wednesday night? Perhaps she’ll be bunking up with a mystery blonde? Hopefully all shall be revealed.

I shall as always endeavour to bring you nothing but the truth in all its sordid scandalous detail.

“I’d like to thanks my agent….”

And the award for Most Tardy Member of Staff goes to……………

CJ! For her extraordinary entrance to the office today at 1.32pm! This woman needs no introduction; her reputation precedes her as does the sound of her clomping down the office and the enormous sigh as she flops into her swivel chair. With an unbroken record of lateness and lame excuses CJ has been a leading light in the arena of time keeping for the best part of 2010 and it looks like she’ll be hanging on to this title for quite a while to come! Who can forget the amazing tales of broken windscreens and headlamps, of accidents on the motorway, not being able to get out of bed before 9am and of course the terrible journey into work each day.

CJ has also decided to take her role to the next level and recently we’ve also seen a spate of days where she hasn’t turned up for work at all! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, she chooses to ‘work from home’ rather than come into the office to avoid the commute! Astounding! Never have we seen such an example of bare faced laziness in the work place – and still the management say nothing!

Along with this award we must also remember CJ’s previous accolades including “Worst Eating Habits Ever”, “Self-Obsessed Twat”, “Loudest Sigh in the Northern Hemisphere” and the award for “The Word “Yeah” said the Most Times in One Phone Conversation”. Her trophy cabinet is going to need an extra shelf at this rate!

So ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I welcome on stage the food spraying, stomping, sighing, clueless retard herself – please be upstanding (and watch out, she’s been eating the horderves!) for……….CJ!

* Rapturous applause as the camera pans to her at her table, stuffing bread rolls into her gob and taken by surprise as she hasn’t been listening to her introduction. She exclaims something so we can see the half chewed bread inside her mouth, turns to kiss someone on the table who recoils in horror then stands up, falls up the stairs to the stage, stomps across to the podium and snatches the award out of he hosts hand *

“What a darling award…..”

Work Jollies

It’s Monday 19th April but there is no sign of FB as yet. Still it is early, only 15:45 so she might stroll in at some point. Today was meant to be D day - the return of the screeching beeatch but my sources may have been wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, she can stay away as long as she wants to!

So Moon Monkey is still in Uganda and Freaker only made it as far as Dubai (poor him, that hotel and beach must be just awful) and look to be stuck there for some time. I wish I was stranded in Dubai. Kirstie has come into work with some horrific kind of allergic reaction to something that means her eyes lids are crusty and face is puffy and covered in a rash. We’ve sent her home now and to the doctors – I do hope it’s not catching….. So she can’t do anything for any stranded Monkeys anyway. We’ve also just had an email through saying the travel agent the company use has had a complete power failure as workmen have cut through all the electricity cable to their building. It’s like a comedy of errors.

Outlook is back up and running, not completely but it’s limping back into place. So my day has not been as incredibly dull as it was on Friday thank goodness. All the IT staff look a little tired and worn down as they were here all weekend fixing it lucky them.

More big news, CJ is trying out public transport today! Wow, will wonders never cease?! Not sure why, she hasn’t mentioned her ‘darling’ little car breaking down and I’m sure we would have by now if that were the case. She still didn’t manage to get in before 10.35am though. She was talking to Moody earlier saying could she follow him home as her train is the same as his “oh I’m not staling you though, ha ha!” I could see the fear in his eyes. She’s changed her mind now and won’t be stalking him; can you imagine an hour’s train journey stuck talking to her? I think I’d pretend I lived at the next stop and get off and walk the 50 odd miles home.

It’s all go here for a Monday isn’t it?

I’ve been told I’m booked on to a 3 day residential training course for work in June. It takes place in a hotel in Dorset and I hear that it is basically a big old piss up with some lectures thrown in. I was given the option of the June dates, some in September or an in-house course in May. I plumped for the June one for several reasons, one being that I’d rather go for a jolly to Dorset for 3 days than sit in a hot meeting room here with curly sandwiches for lunch but more importantly because I know CJ can’t make that one because she is on annual leave! It would be me, Ginger and CJ going on the course but now it’s just me and Ginger. Phew. Lucky escape. Although knowing my luck she’ll cancel her annual leave to go and I’ll be stuck sharing a room with her.

Shudder.

Brain FAIL

Our Outlook has been down all day. Apparently this is due to some numpty in the Pakistan office ticking a box that says “disconnect all international links” during a routine service check. I have now written out the document to buy some software costing €12,000 in order to fix this. It’s not going to be up and running until Monday and has meant that I have had possibly one of the most tedious days on record this month. Possibly this year. Everything I have to do is in my Outlook, I can’t even do any data entry. I have been copying information off of business cards all day.

Loosing……..will…….to………live.

Now Kirstie has gone home as her husband got his wrist broken by one of the prisoners at his work (any excuse) and Gunner has feckked off to the pub to meet a mate. Even CJ has gone home. And Andre has the Eurhythmics blasting out her i-pod.

Honestly how can I be expected to work in these conditions?

If all goes according to plan I will be walking out of here at 4pm today. The plan being that I will just get up and walk out and if anyone says anything they will hear the words “fuck” and “off” in response.

Quick update on the stranded managers. Freaker called this morning to see if he changed his travel plans AGAIN to which Kirstie said no as he was already costing the company enough money as it was. He’s currently on a plane to Dubai where he is meant to be picking up a flight to Paris (yeah good luck with that one) and then plans to travel to Calais. We’re not sure if he’s aware there is a national train strike in France this weekend. Snigger.

Moon Monkey rang demanding a private jet. Seriously. It was because one of the top nobs is with him in Uganda. After discovering this would cost £50k Kirstie rang him back and told him it was a no and to shut up and sit tight. Jesus these people are minor business men for fucks sake not some international film star or politician. WTF do they have to be back for? Enjoy your hotel and the sunshine like everyone else.

Private jet. Wankers.

Problem is the power is going to Moon Monkey’s head. It’s not a good sign if he’s ordering in private jets, what’s next? Fresh lilies on his desk every day and a masseuse on hand for those tired aching shoulders?

I need to get out of here, this is not the mood of preference for a Friday. Sunshine and freedom here I come. Laters peeps, enjoy the non-working days.

Come fly with me….or not?

I’m finding it hard to know how to start this blog as I have lots to tell you today and I’m not sure which to begin with. I’ll start with the natural disaster as this is actually unfolding as I type and by the end of the blog I may have some more updates to entertain you with.

As you should be aware by now a volcano has erupted in Iceland and grounded lots of UK and northern European flights. This is bad timing for 3 of our managers as they are all stuck in Uganda and trying to fly back to the UK. One of them was meant to be on an 11.30am flight today which was cancelled and he is now freaking out about getting back. Kirstie is in charge of trying to re-arrange all their travel and she’s enjoying hearing them all spaz out on the end of the phone. It is quite hilarious, they call and she updates us on the latest freak-out or flight she couldn’t get and we all laugh like drains!

So Bog Monkey (have I mentioned Bog Monkey? Sounds like a leprechaun….?) is stuck but not bothered so much as his flight is later in the week, we have yet to hear from Moon Monkey and are assuming he hasn’t looked at the news yet which leaves the Freaker who is so desperate to get out of Uganda he seems to be willing to swim for it. Kirstie told him earlier she can’t get him on a flight to the UK before Tuesday – oh dear, he’s not happy. As good a travel organiser and PA that Kirstie is she’s not a miracle worker and I think told him this in no uncertain terms. Now he wants to fly to Dubai (we think he has a fancy woman out there, he goes there quite a bit) and so she has managed to fly him out there tomorrow. Then he calls back and wants to fly to France from Dubai on the same flight has his ‘friend’. No can do, that flight’s full. Many expletives over email and giggling from Kirstie “he’s freaking out again!” OK another flight from Dubai to France? And so this continues.

Update on Moon Monkey: he is now aware of the volcanic eruption in Iceland and grounding of flights and is trying to get through to Kirstie but can’t as she’s on the phone to Freaker and travel agents.

Why don’t they just go back to the hotel and lie by the pool? The company will pay for it and it’s not like they can go anywhere. Chillax guys, treat it like an impromptu holiday.

This morning I overheard a phone conversation (or one half of it) between Moody and Harley – who is ‘working’ from home today. They were talking about work stuff and then Moody says “yes she’s already rung me to say she is running late” which leads me to believe that they are talking about CJ and Harley has mentioned something. So of course I tune in….I can only hear half of what’s being said but from that I got “what is going on there?” and “we need to keep an eye on that” and “well you and I both know there’s more to it” (or something along those lines) and “well you know, there’s a danger of her health suffering mentally and physically”.

Eh?

So it seems that CJ may be on the verge of a mental breakdown. Must be the journey into work. Or maybe those late starts and lie-ins.

I think maybe it is one of the following:

a) She has some trauma going on her in her personal life we don’t know about that’s having a knock on effect on her work and is stressing her out so she is more stressed here
b) She has taken on too much work and it’s draining her ‘mentally and physically’
c) She is one of those people who isn’t very good at handling stress and being busy and so is always 100 times more stressed here than someone else doing the same job would be.
d) She is leading a double life and is a call girl at night, hence the late starts.
e) She is a lazy fuck who just can’t get out of bed in the morning

Kirstie thinks it’s (e).

When she came in eventually I heard her say to Moody “I was here until 12.30 last night”. What?! Who the hell works until 12.30am?! It’s not like she’s dealing with life and death situations here. If you’re doing hours like that then you’re doing something wrong or making work for yourself unnecessarily. She’ll also get in trouble for it as it reflects badly on Moon Monkey and Harley so they’ll be having words no doubt.

If she does go loop-de-loop or beak down crying into her coco pops one morning then you’ll be the first to know.

The final snippet of news is that Saffa’s flowers have started up again. A nice bunch today that arrived mid-morning much to her embarrassment. She was off work yesterday and no one knew where she was (Harley probably did but he never tells anyone) and today she says she had an asthma attack and didn’t have her puffa with her. I’d like to say she was blatantly lying and instead exhausted from a long day and night of passion with Blondie but she actually looked like hell today and her voice sounds like sandpaper so she’s probably telling the truth.

I sent Kirstie over in full detective role and she came back info-less. I was very disappointed. Although I liked her tactics, she said to Saffa “Can I swap my husband for your wife as he never sends me flowers?!” Some laughing from Saffa and “OK sure!” “Are you sure because you haven’t lived with him yet? Why is it boys are so rubbish at sending flowers, girls seem so much better at this kind of thing, I need to speak to your wife!” But Saffa wasn’t giving anything away. Kirstie did admit something to me at lunch though (“I haven’t told anyone I did that!”). When a flower delivery came a few months back it happened very late in the day and Kirstie was the only person in the office so she showed the delivery man where Saffa sat. When he had gone she had a nose and there was a card in there…..yep she had a peek! Hell, I would have done the same! She said the card was addressed to what must be some South African pet name for Saffa and then signed from another pet name but it just didn’t sound like something you’d get from the old ball and chain. She was suspicious to say the least.

We’ll see if the flowers keep coming.

Moon Monkey has started texting Kirstie on her personal mobile, things are getting desperate. He’ll be flinging his faeces around the cage in a moment. I don’t envy her job today, I think she’ll still be here when I go at 5pm.

Celebratory guitar solo

Just went for a Starbucks with Kirstie as we’re both bored out of our tiny minds (me with nothing to do and her bored of having too much to do) and needed to get out for a bit. We were sat chatting over lattes and she said “if you think about it, it’s an odd little bunch of people we work with over there.” It was a completely innocent statement but immediately my mind swung to this blog and a small pang of terror shot through me. Has she been reading it? Is she trying to catch me out? I’m sure I looked like a startled rabbit in the headlights for a moment as my coffee cup stopped half way to my lips.

But after this very brief moment of doubt I realised that she was actually just stating the obvious. “Yes we do don’t we?” And phew, I’ve gotten away with it, it’s ok the blog’s still safe.

But sitting here now I am starting to realise how paranoid this blog is making me at work, what with the request for a photo of my desk (panic over on that one, I found out who the originator was and we’re not in danger of being infiltrated by undercover corporate spies) and small innocuous comments and conversations that could lend themselves towards it. The pressures getting to me people, if anyone at work stumbled across this I’d be for the high jump. Of course they could never pin anything on me guv but I’d imagine it would make things quite uncomfortable round here.

Don’t worry; I’m not going to stop blogging. I am forever faithful to my 2 fans and let’s face it; no other bugger is reading this so it’s unlikely anyone from work is going to stumble across it. Famous last words.

But enough of my insecurities, back to the news from Azkaban….don’t get too excited, it’s not that interesting today…..

The office is incredibly quiet again. Kirstie and I were trying to figure out why this is as none of the people working here are young enough to have childer on school holidays and actually most of the office is in, there’s just a lack of hubbub. We’ve tried to come up with some ideas of how to combat this but most of them end up with the possibility of us being escorted off the premises. Well that’s one way to get a half day I guess.

Yesterday CJ came in late (10.30am – “ugh my darling car parking space was blocked…” I’ve noticed how she substitutes with the word ‘darling’ where most of us would use ‘fucking’ or some other normal swear that would actually sound less offensive and annoying) and then proceeded to sit on the phone for an hour and a half with the same client. The phone sits right next to my desk so she leans in towards me practically siting on my desk and talking very loudly. I was close to murder or at least some serious maiming when she’d finished. During this call Kirstie actually went and complained to Harley about how people should take conference calls in one of the meeting rooms. She mentioned no names but Harley asked if she meant CJ and she said yes. So as soon as she was off the phone he pulled her into a meeting to tell her to shut the hell up. She came back out later and asked me if I minded her taking calls at her desk. Ha ha. I told her I did mind as it could be very intrusive and makes it hard for me to focus when she’s talking that long on the phone (focus? On what Nancy, your FB account?!) For once she actually shut up and had nothing to say to me. I’m sure she thinks it was me who made the complaint now – am I bovvered?

For the rest of the day and most of today she has been in the meeting room on the phone.

Mark one up for the normals.

Today her mobile went off with the Guns and Roses tune. Not unusual. However today the volume seemed to be set at ear bleeding level and it was sat right near me so it made me jump like an idiot and exclaim some swears (not ‘darling’). CJ was utterly mortified she’d forgot to take it off the OAP/Hard of Hearing setting and scrambled to grab and answer it, knocking it about her desk as she did “Oh god, sorry, sorry…” Kirstie couldn’t contain herself and burst out laughing which in turn set me off then Gunner then Moody. At this point she is stood up, on the phone, looking over the partition at all these laughing people and going beetroot.

It must have been like one of those dreams when you walk into work and realise you forgot to put any clothes on that morning (or is that just me?). The laughing got too much and she ran off into a meeting room to take the call.

Mark two up for the normals.
So that has helped to abate some of the violent thoughts running through my head involving a heavy hole punch and CJ’s head… for now. Listening to some Idlewild on the headphones is also assisting in blocking out the various noises and sighs quite effectively. In the long term I am currently working on a plan that will eventually result in me being moved desks and away from this woman. I realise that this could mean the CJ rants start to subside but I do have my sanity to consider people.

Handbags at dawn

I was going through my emails yesterday in an attempt to find something to fill the dying hours of my working day and came across one I had saved because it was damn funny. Not intentionally funny, like a joke or comic banter but funny because it was yet another example of the nut cases I work with and the madness that can go on in this office. Weirdly enough it was sent almost a year to the day last April and was part of a chain bouncing between various people. I’d like to share this email seesaw with you all and in order to do so need to set the scene and give you a bit of background….

So first our stars of said email. We have FB who you already are familiar with, Scary Northern Boss (SNB) who you have met briefly in the Saffa love triangle saga and another lady called……erm…..Diva, which I think the nick name for is self explanatory. Diva used to work in this department, then she went off to work in HR and then she left earlier this year after they wanted to cut her salary. Complete Diva exit, causing chaos and trouble wherever she could and thought a lot of herself. Ran off talking about starting her own company or going travelling and is probably in fact now working in Pound Land in Croydon.

So, Diva was completely inept at most things, fucked up everything she dealt with and was generally known round here as a pain in the arse. FB is a lazy bitch who never does anything the way she is meant to, ignores protocol and gives 2 fingers up to everyone when they complain. You’d think they’d get on like a house on fire but in fact they loathed each other. This tended to come across in business matters as well and Diva would often avoid contacting FB if she could and FB would complain loudly about Diva’s retardedness. SNB would often be caught in the middle of this all for various reasons and as you know she didn’t suffer fools gladly so she often put her size 11 foot down.

The emails that follow all started because Diva got a bee in her bonnet about not being told about a new starter with the company. For some reason I got cc’d in along the way, I’m not sure why but I’m glad I was! I’ve pasted them in so you start reading from the top down…..enjoy.


From: Diva
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:00
To: SNB; FB; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

Dear All,

It was requested that I was informed of all new starters. Please if possible could we maintain this visibility, I am unable to track accurate contractor information without knowing who is working for us.

Thanking you in advance.


Kind Regards,

Diva


From: FB
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:25
To: SNB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

Hi Diva,

Apologies for the confusion here.

A document landed on my desk and I processed it. There was no indication or whatsoever that I should have copied you in.

It may have been requested that you are “informed of all new starters” but to be honest, I have no idea about what falls within the remits of your work.

If our department is processing WOs, what is it that you are actually doing? This is all rather nebulous.

Would it be unreasonable to ask you to enlighten me and clearly define the parameters of your role with regards to our department matters in order to allow me to identify items which are of concern to you in the future?

I am more than happy to comply with your request below and clarity on my side would be just as welcome as visibility on your side.

Thank you.

Regards,

FB


From: Diva
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:34
To: SNB; FB; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

FB,

I am more than happy to discuss parameters with you to avoid any further complication.

I am available tomorrow, so will schedule a time to discuss.

SNB,

I would very much appreciate your attending this conversation to make sure all is aligned.


Kind Regards,

Diva


From: FB
Sent: 15 April 2009 16:00
To: SNB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter


Diva,

Not sure about what you mean by further complication and I would certainly not expect 3 people (you, SNB and I) to monopolize time for this “conversation”.

I did not request for a discussion of parameters. I asked you what your job was and how it interacts with our department as I would ask anybody else in this building.

I am pretty sure you could have put this in a nutshell through an email which would have been more than sufficient.

I don’t have spare time to attend an unnecessary meeting but I now know that I should copy you in with regards to all personnel / contractors etc. which is good enough for me.

I shall survive without knowing the rest of your job spec.

Thank you.

Regards,
FB


From: SNB
Sent: 15 April 2009 16:05
To: FB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter


ENOUGH!!!!!!

Best Regards

SNB

They’ll never take me alive!!!!

Thank you greatly for the 100’s of responses I got from my last blog. Your kind words and suggestions have filled me with so many ideas that my cup of creativity doth overflow. I am astounded by the size of the following I appear to have and your continued interest in my life here in the mad house of my work place. You are too, too kind.

For those of you of quick mind and wit you may have picked up on a hint of sarcasm in that last paragraph. I could have over done it a bit I admit but I like to make a point. That point being in this case that I received 1 reply for my last blog (if you recall I was asking for suggestions for future stories and tales) and that was from someone asking for a picture of my desk.

A picture of my desk. That’s all.

I’ve had to decline this odd request purely on the basis of my lack of technical expertise. I haven’t been able to figure out how to upload photo’s from my phone to my computer and I’m not sitting here taking pictures of an untidy surface with a computer screen and pen holder on it. People will think I’ve gone mad. Well the mad people might not but the others will. I’d hate to be pigeon holed.

Plus it’s got me suspicious. Why would anyone want to see my desk? It’s really not that exciting and hasn’t been mentioned in any previous blogs as part of some hair raising or hilarious story. Colleagues have yet to copulate across my desk, I haven’t got into work to find a ticking package sitting on my chair, there has been a distinct lack of vandalism or practical jokes administered on my work space, in fact all in all it’s incredibly dull. This leads me to one conclusion, that whoever this ‘anonymous’ blogger may be they are trying to catch me out. To blow my cover and reveal my true identification to the world! To use this information as a reason for blackmail, forcing me to part with my hard earned (hmmmm, well lets not go too far eh?) cash or else Moon Monkey gets a link in the post! To lead to my ultimate downfall! My sacking from this esteemed company and into a life of shame, rejection and the dole. And, most importantly to rob you of this blog which would of course be deleted……destroyed…….with only tales and rumours of the infamous Andre and plain weird CJ floating on the winds of time, passed down through generations and into the annuls of weird shit.

On the other hand it could just be an innocent request posted by a kind reader who is genuinely interested in me and my working home.

I’m going to err on the side of caution this time though and go with the technical problem as an excuse.

Normal service should hopefully resume tomorrow if I have anything of note to write about…..

Good news. Bad News.

Today I ran out of work to do at approximately 9.53am. I don’t even have any data entry to be getting on with, things are that bad. I could go and fiddle about with files in the stacks but my lack of enthusiasm is keeping me at my desk right now. There isn’t even anyone in the office to entertain me, the usual Friday suspects are here in the form of Ginger, Gunner, Kirstie and Moody but it’s all far too quiet for my liking. Maybe something is about to go down? I wish.

Andre has been off sick all week, she has this nasty shitting virus thing that’s going round and with her delicate stomach I think it has acted ten fold on her ass. Quite literally. Ew. Sorry, probably too much information in a too graphic description. This does mean that I haven’t had any fascinating historical facts, quotes from LoTR, cakes or random fashion shows and that makes my week very uneventful.

So do you want the good news or the bad news? Let’s start with the good. FB isn’t coming bowling any more! Yaaaaaayyyyy! She’s declined the offer, taken back her invite and decided not to join us on the office night out. Oh shame, I’m so sad, boo hoo hoo, gutted etc etc.

And now for the bad. Well bad for me but probably good for you readers. FB is due to darken our shores again in the very near future. She touches down on UK soil on the 19th April and will be sat in the office sooner than we know it spouting off random bollocks and ‘oh la la-ing’ her head off. I say this is good news for you as it will have a fairly adverse effect on my blogging and I am sure there will be many a rant and ridiculous story coming your way in regards to the French Bitch.

Because of the lack of anything going on in the office I am currently running low on comedic, entertaining, gossip fuelled, scandalous blogs for you. Therefore I am handing it over to you dear reader(s) to come up with some suggestions of things you’d like to hear (my Mum wants me to aim for management so I may as well start practicing my delegating skills now). These could be tit bits about certain colleagues, more info on anything I’ve already talked about, my thoughts and ideas behind certain events in the office or even proposals of completely made up and fantastical scenarios involving myself and/or members of my work place. So far I have had a couple from one unnamed source which include the revelation that FB is actually a man with a 10 foot wanger or some kind of lesbian style stacks action (I’m not sure I want this blog taking a turn in that direction….it’s a slippery slope to porn on the interweb….ew…slippery…) but I’m sure you can come up with some others.

Answers on a postcard please! Or you could just write in the comments box below. I await your replies with baited breath……

First sign of madness

Things that CJ has said today while she has continuously talked to herself at a level I can hear and annoyingly think she is saying to / asking me:

“Is it Wednesday today?.....Yes it’s Wednesday today”

“I should go and make a cup of tea”

“Why isn’t Outlook saving my messages?”

“Surely that should read ‘clipper’….”

“Why aren’t those connected? SIGH”

“Donovan what are you sending me now?”

“Is it that time already?”

“Annual leave, annual leave, annual leave, annual leave (this went on for quite some time), annual leave where are you?”

“Oh my god, look at that!”

“I’ve bunged in a little bit for inflation, a little bit for contingency…..”

“You know what? He’s Teflon Don!”

“(laughs) Now I wasn’t thinking of that…..(laughs) that I was not thinking of…”



Things I have done to try and drown out the noise of CJ talking to herself:

Listen to my ipod

Talk loudly to Ginger over my partition

Typing very hard on the keys on my keyboard

Imagine myself on a tropical beach listening to the sound of the ocean as I bask in the sunshine

Turn my back and rummage in my draws (careful)

Avoid being sat at my desk as much as possible and so have created vast amounts of things to do in the stacks

Answer Andre’s phone (she’s still off sick)

Smash my head on the desk until there is a ringing sound in my ears that drowns out all other noises or I pass out

Told her to shut the fuck up


Actually I haven’t done that last one but it’s on the cards as could be a written warning for threatening behavior in the work place.

Breathe, breathe…….

Computer says no

I think I may be brain dead. This has been caused by the following:

a) Lack of sleep due to migraine and being used to going to bed beyond 1am over the Easter break
2) The large pasta lunch I consumed
iv) It being 30 degrees plus in this office today
e) 7 hours of data entry
3) The fact I am in work

All of the above has started the process of a liquid meltdown in my noggin, I am sat here staring blankly at the screen willing the migraine that appears to be returning to turn on it’s heels and go back to whence it came and wondering what the hell I can put in this blog today. I don’t like to write for the sake of it, you deserve better than that, but after the 4 day holiday I’ve just had you’d have thought I’d be rested, raring to go and sprouting ideas, witty comments and tales of madcap adventure in the office.

Nope.

Hang on……no, sorry.

* strains to think, vein pulsing on forehead *

…………….

Nothing.

I’m pretty sure the main reason for the lack of imagination and inspiration today is the data entry. After adding names, addresses and phone numbers to this database for 7 hours solid I think even Stephen Hawkins would be hard pressed to find a working bit of grey matter. For those of you lucky enough never to have experienced data entry imagine one of the most mundane and soul destroying jobs around. OK, so I’m sure there are worse and some people would argue that they like a bit of data entry every now and then (easy) but when you’re not even sure if the database you’re populating is going to be used then the soul destroying element comes into it even more. Keeps me off the streets though I guess.

I think I might have got Andre in trouble earlier, complete accident of course but she might be getting a slapped wrist on her return to work. She’s off sick again today, still problems with the stomach bug, and I took a phone call for her from some bod over in another department. He’s chasing up something and I said I’d look into it for him. We couldn’t find it on the system and I checked her filing (for ‘filing’ read massive stack of papers shoved in her desk cupboard along side crisp packets and garden gnome) but nada. Now Harley is sending out emails to everyone about saving work on the system so it’s accessible when people are off – directed at Andre. Sorry big lady! She is a complete doofus when it comes to saving documents and she’ll swear it is the system and not her own ineptitude when it comes to the company’s database. “Look it’s come up with this error message!” – that’s because you poured diet coke on the keyboard. “I saved it and it’s not there now” – that’s because you probably didn’t actually save it did you? It’s weird because she is very good with other computery things and the person to ask about any problems with Word and Excel. Maybe she is brain dead when it comes to databases too.

I promise better things tomorrow, and more working brain cells.

Count down to the weekend

I lost my bet about CJ, I am one bloody mary down on the cash front. CJ made it in today but only by 10.50am after her ‘horrendous 2 hour journey’ into work. Er so that means you left home at 8.50am? I’d been in work for 20 minutes at that point, what do you cocking expect if you are driving in rush hour on the last day before the Easter bank holiday? She’s the feckin’ April fool around here. Everyone has definitely lost their patience with her now and there were no offers of sympathy and Moody was close to cracking. He caught me in the kitchen at lunch and made a comment so I just took it and ran on a mini rant about how much she annoys me. He totally agrees but said “well no one’s picking her up on it so she’ll keep on doing it” which is true. I think what gets me the most is the fact that she doesn’t seem to realise everyone is lining up to rip her a new one every time she harps on about her journey and thinks we should be showering her with sympathy as she runs in the door. Plus the fact she hasn’t fucking been here the past 2 days anyway!!

Sorry, I know I go on about her but she does wind me up. Let’s hope Moon Monkey clocks her shit time keeping and days off and sacks the bitch.

So, a 4 day weekend? Amazing. 4 days away from this shit hole and the freaks who make me want to commit GBH. I plan to use every minute of each day to its utmost potential and drag my feet in on Tuesday. But let’s not think of Tuesday right now, that’s a long way off.

I haven’t enquired into what the majority of the department are doing with their time (because frankly I just don’t care enough) but I know that Moody has “4 days without the wife” which he seems to be looking forward to. He’s still lumbered with the dog and 2 kids but apparently they “don’t answer back as much”. Gunner is planning a big afternoon/evening out on Saturday with his mates and Kirstie plans to do sod all and not leave her sofa.

I haven’t asked Andre but I am sure that it will involve an elaborate dinner party with amazing costumes, a re-enactment of a bloody battle and then watching the whole back catalogue of Dr Who. She has come up with a suggestion for the next work day out (apparently we can’t spend the whole £600 a head at bowling, we need to make it stretch out a bit more) and everyone is more than up for it. A day of falconry! Brilliant! We spend a day learning how to make birds of prey land on our wrists and fly about. Genius. I for one am looking forward to whatever she decides to wear on the day and will try and get photo’s. No, I WILL get photo’s, that I promise you.

I have avoided talking to CJ in case I end up in a disciplinarily after jumping across the desk and getting her in a head lock as my nerves suddenly snap and so have no clue as to what her plans are. I expect they will be incredibly dull. She had a hen do last weekend in Brighton and complained about the amount of other hen do’s that were there and the fact the person organising it wanted them to dress up in school uniform but they decided not too as it would be too embarrassing. They show up realising every other hen and stag do had dressed up so it actually wouldn’t have been embarrassing and it may have even been….dare I say it…..fun? I asked what they got up to “oh you know the usual, meal, bar, clubs” – said in the most bored voice ever. I think she would have preferred to stay at home with her tax returns.

Right the bosses have both buggered off so I’m following suit shortly. Well no one else round here seems to be keeping to their hours….

Have a good Easter Break people, service will resume next Tuesday!

Hobbit flu

The bowling night has finally been set for the 28th April so expect and interesting blog on the 29th. Well, I hope to be able to furnish you with stories of hilarity, shock and suspense anyway. Maybe I’m setting myself up for a fall here? I have it on authority that so far that Moon Monkey has given the date the go ahead, I assume meaning he can attend. Others who have said they’ll be coming are Kirstie (you’d hope so seeing as she’s organising it), Ginger, Gunner on the condition that Arsenal aren’t playing that night in some semi finals or something, CJ – who incidentally emailed from home as she is ‘off sick’ today, likelihood of her turning up tomorrow, slim – Harley can make it as well as can, Miss Jean Brody, Saffa (bring on the sambucas!) and unfortunately FB. She’s in the country and can make it – hurrah. Ooo, ooo, put me on her team please. Not.

Today Andre was not in the office by 10am so we were getting a bit concerned as to her whereabouts and I emailed Harley who is ‘working from home’ (honestly, no one actually comes in the office anymore) to see if he’d heard anything. He called me to say he’d had an email late yesterday and a call this morning from her and she’s off with a stomach bug. This will be a genuine sick day for Andre as she doesn’t do skiving so I do hope she’ll get better soon. We also need to know if she can come bowling! Harley also informed me that CJ was off sick as well – er yeah ok, we weren’t really concerned about her, just assumed she’d come in at her usual time of 11.30am moaning about the motorway. Later in the day Moon Monkey asked Kirstie where CJ was and then added “can you start keeping track of absences for me please?” Ha ha ha! This should be interesting! Luckily, with me and Kirstie being on good terms I can probably wangle a few days sick that won’t be accounted for but I know she’ll be jotting down every day CJ is not in the office with unconcealed joy!

That is all for today. Carry on.

The return of FB

I’m sure you’ve been on tenterhooks since the blog yesterday, what could this good news be?! What wisdom and knowledge does Moon Monkey have to enlighten our lives with? Is someone getting sacked? Are we all moving to Uganda? Tell us Monkey, tell us!

Well I’m sorry to disappoint but it wasn’t that exciting in the end. We sat in the meeting room waiting around for our glorious leader until he finally walked in at 4.15pm. Kirstie suggested a round of applause and I think everyone was so amused/annoyed by that point that they did in fact start clapping! Luckily he saw the funny side and we’re all still in our jobs today. Most people in the department were there apart from Saffa who was in a meeting, Ginger who had finished for the day and wisely decided not to stay on and a couple of others on annual leave.

Several items on the agenda including this ridiculously massively complicated database thing they are installing and no one agrees with. I won’t bore you with that and there was nothing new about it anyway. We were also introduced to a new member of staff who has in fact been working in the department for 2 weeks. Only that morning in Starbucks did Ginger ask me who he was and if anyone had been introduced to him yet, slightly ironic that she went home and so missed the introduction in the end! Typical of this place that we have to guess who we work with.

The main news was about the Uganda project and how this is going to generate 75 new jobs. Many in our department. So many that we may have to move offices again (we moved last Christmas). They’ll all be based in the UK though so no jollies to Uganda for us (if you could describe a trip to Uganda a ‘jolly’) but possibly some to Paris and Beijing. Moon Monkey went into no details but said that everyone is more than welcome to apply for whatever comes up. Now I know I should have probably been thinking “ooh, opportunities, maybe I’ll get to use my brain cells again” but in all honesty I switched off and started thinking about when I would get to go home – that is how interested I am in this job.

For me the final item was not what I would describe as ‘good news’. Apparently FB (the same one of shagging the ex-boss fame) is coming back to work in this office at the end of next month. Joy. She’ll be back here full time, or whatever she considers to be full time (so, 11am-3pm?) and sat behind me whining away in her shitty accent, stomping her foot to get what she wants and declaring out loud how she shouldn’t eat that 35th chocolate or she’ll get fat. A warped and twisted side of me is interested to see how she gets on with CJ and if Moon Monkey puts up with any of her shit. I doubt very much she can seduce Monkey Man as he’s really not got it in him for an affair and seems to have standards, but you never know. Might spice things up a bit around here but on the flip side she’ll have all that power over the management again and make our lives hell – or more hell.

She’s also going to be heading up a team; if I get picked for that I will seriously consider resigning. I can’t afford to resign though so maybe I’ll just give myself a lobotomy. Actually I think I am almost half way there with a lobotomy so maybe I’ll keep a copy of the Yellow Pages in my draw at work. Kirstie and I have had several lengthy conversations about how we could defend ourselves from her which then lead on to how we could inflict some physical damage on her without provocation. Kirstie suggested using a Yellow Pages across the chest/stomach as it causes internal damage and doesn’t leave any marks. Before you start thinking why I am associating myself with people who know things like this let me explain that Kirstie’s husband is a prison warden. She’s also an Australian so she may have tried this herself. Either way I’m open to suggestions.

Questions at the end of the meeting went on longer than necessary as usual, with Moody piping up on more than one occasion. CJ also threw one in, I think to try and look good but judging by the answer from MM she just showed herself up. She also made a point of saying “yeah” after every one of his sentences. We finally escaped just before 5pm which meant I had to do 5 minutes overtime – not happy. Moon Face wants to hold these every month but we shall see, I seem to remember him saying something very similar 6 months ago.

This morning it was also discovered that we never paid our bill at Starbucks! Kirstie had to leave before everyone to go to a meeting and none of the management thought it necessary to pay for coffee and panini’s so they left - retards. A worried Starbucker called the main reception this morning asking if we would mind wandering over and paying the £85 tab.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

Moon Monkey called one of his Starbucks meetings again today. An email went round at about 9.30am telling everyone to put in their order and rendezvous at 12pm. As the email pinged up in in-boxes around the office you could hear a collective groan go up. It’s not that no one appreciates a free panini and latte, of course we do, it’s just that there’s a time and a place and 12pm in Starbucks on a Monday is neither the time nor the place for a team meeting.

This soon became apparent as we were all tucking into our tuna melts and muffins (easy) that the din of the lunchtime crowd meant we couldn’t even hear the ‘Bucks employees shouting our orders out, let alone any words of wisdom old Moon Face wanted to impart. As ever the usual suspects grabbed a pew next to one another and started chatting whist the usual freaks tried to find a seat that wasn’t taken. The familiar chaos of ordering then followed as no one was listening to what was being brought over and then wondering where their non-decaf skinny soya milk mocha-frappuchino was as it sat on the table next to them waiting for an owner. Poor old Kirstie was put in charge and ended up trying to pair up croissants and people and then didn’t even get her cheese and ham panini at the end of it all. Moon Monkey eventually gave into the fact that he would get no where fast with the meeting and so suggested we all reconvene at 2pm for a meeting back in the office, probably like he should have done in the first place.

It could also have been his urgency to get away from CJ who was sat at a table with him, talking with her mouth full and spraying crumbs into his hot chocolate.

I could just make out over the noise that he had “good news” for the meeting. So a pay rise perhaps? Extra annual leave for all? Then he mentioned something cryptic about needing to hire the whole of Starbucks next time, alluding to the fact we’ll be taking on more staff and if anyone would be interested in working in Uganda? Hmmmm, possibly not the good news I was hoping for.

That meeting was then pushed back to 2.30pm and it’s now 2.40pm and no one knows what is going on, if it’s happening or where it’s meant to be. Usual unorganised bollocks I have come to know and love of this department then.

Let’s see what happens and I’ll report back later with any updates…..

3.30pm and still nothing. No one knows what the feck is going on and no sign of Moon Monkey.

3.44pm – the meeting is now scheduled for 4pm. We’ve been told it won’t be for long which is code for “expect to be here past 5pm” in which case I will be excusing myself at 4.55pm and leaving the office. Ginger is in a quandary because she normally goes home at 4pm, I’ve told her to get the heck out of here as I can pretty much guarantee this won’t be worth sticking around for.

4.10pm – I give up. If this meeting ever actually happens then I’ll fill you in on the ‘good news’ tomorrow. Let’s call it a cliff hanger.

I am truly in my prime

There is one person I have yet to mention and that’s because she’s not in my radar at work often now. The lady in question used to sit behind me next to Andre but has since been moved to another team who sit the opposite end of the office. Still part of our department just on a particular project, it’s all very dull I assure you.

We (not the royal ‘we’, that would be me and Gunner and Kirstie) call her Miss Jean Brody, not to her face of course but it’s a good thing she has a nick name as I can never for the life of me remember her real one. She sat behind me for several months and I still can’t recall it, it’s not an especially unusual name but clearly very forgettable. Anyway, Miss JB is a far better title. Gunner came up with it one day when we were sending some ranty emails to each other about her, he just imagines her to be some Scottish private school mistress with her head up her own arse, which she basically is minus the uniform.

Miss JB is 40 but dresses like a 50 year old, she wears the oddest combinations of outfits and has a mahoosive cleavage which she tends to show off quite a lot. I often catch her in the loo’s doing her make up in a really weird fashion and she gets terribly self conscious if you walk out of a cubicle to discover her there slapping on the rouge. Miss JB came to us some time last year (I forget when, the days and weeks start to blur after a while) as a temp and had worked for this illustrious company before a couple of years back. Normally she works in TV as a producer or director or something and this was a stop gap whilst the TV job market was pretty pants. She was asked to help out FB (lucky her!) with some work which FB relished, bossing he about all the time and basically giving her all her own work to do as well.

So Miss JB sat behind me and next to Andre and you’d think they’d be the most mis-matched pair in this office. However, turns out that Miss JB is a bit of a TV/movie geek as well and a desperate loner so they’re getting on like a house on fire! Initially this was bewildering and quite sweet but it soon turned to annoying and loud which then in turn created murderous thoughts amongst those sat around them, me included. ‘But why?’ I hear you ask. Several factors came into this which I shall list for you now.

The Quoting
As they share a love of all things sci-fi and fantasy based the terrible two have of course seen all the same films and TV series, read all the same books and got all the same t-shirts. So quite often when chatting about something mundane one of them would pipe up with “just like that scene from series 2, episode 4 of Blake 7…..” and then it would go on. Neither of them have the quietest of voices so everyone else in the office would also be subject to this. OK, have your banter but please keep the nerd-factor to a minimum.

The Laugh
Miss JB has a VERY annoying laugh. I can’t even begin to explain how it sounds aside from fucking irritating. I suppose it is kind of horse-like in places but also very nasal and breathy and LOUD! So, so LOUD! She’s also a nervous laugher, as is Andre so the laugh would be popping up during the quoting but also in just day to day stuff until it seems as though she is laughing non-stop. Again with the murderous thoughts and by now we are plotting her demise.

The Big Head Up Her Arse
I mentioned that Miss JB works in TV, we all know this because she is very keen to tell everyone what she has done and the ‘famous’ people she has met. As far as I can gauge she has mainly worked on home improvement reality shows with D list celebrities but she’ll often drop them into conversation. “Oh well when I was working on “Chav Mum Housing DIY” with you know……” and in comes the name. Some people were impressed with this the first time around but by the 268th time not so much as they probably don’t know who the hell she is talking about and have never watched the cocking programme in the first place. Gunner informs me that she was just like this the last time round when she worked here and nothing has improved. The murderous plot is in place and I’m on ebay looking for suitable weapons.

The Stig
She loves The Stig from Top Gear, obsessed with him in fact. She has pictures on her desk of him. When there was the rumour that he might in fact be Mr Schumacher the debate raged on for days as to whether it was some clever TV ploy or not. OF COURSE IT IS YOU FREAK, WHY WOULD A F1 RACING DRIVER TEST DRIVE CARS FOR THE BBC?! You’d think she’d be a bit more keyed up on this seeing as she works in television.

And so this all went on and as a combination started to piss off quite a few people. Andre and Miss JB in the mean time went off to Blur concerts (apparently Andre jumped around a lot, I do hope she didn’t attempt to crowd surf…), had dinner together and swapped Stargate DVDs. Then finally she was moved! A great day for us all but not so for Andre. There were sad farewells and for the first few weeks both of them would appear at each other’s desks throughout the day but then it dwindled and the dinners stopped and it hasn’t quite been the same since. Bless.

But please don’t feel too sorry for Miss JB, her move was the result of her own actions and that laugh. She has since been able to get her own back in a twisted and subconscious manner but screwing up my filing system. I have a section for her team and as much as I tidy and sort every time I go back in there it’s like some rabid monkey has been in there throwing files about. I’m surprised there aren’t faeces everywhere.

I’ll have to also furnish you with the tale of her love life as that is quite entertaining. But I’ll save that for another day.

Have a grand weekend peeps.

Ring Day!

Today is Ring Day! Hurrah! All hail the destruction of the ring! The One True Ring!

What do you mean you don’t know what I’m taking about? You know – the Ring! And today we celebrate its destruction!! Yippee!

OK, OK, for those of you still sat there in the dark I shall explain further.

Today, March 25th 2010 is the anniversary of the destruction of The Ring - that is the fictional ring as read about in the books by Tolkien and thrown into the deep lava pits of Mount Doom by one Frodo Baggins and his mate Sam. Today, we should celebrate, apparently because Tolkien believed Middle-earth to be our ancient past. Without the destruction of the Ring, we might very well all be in darkness.

Thank goodness for little hobbits and their quests.

It’s OK I haven’t gone completely geek-nuts there is a reason for me to tell you this and that would be……cake! Every year (as sadly enough I have been here for over a year now and so experiencing Ring Day for the 2nd time around) Andre brings out the cakes on Ring Day. She spends hours the night before baking them and making up little marzipan rings to go on top and then prepares them on plates with napkins and wheels them around the office on a trolley handing them out. There are several things that I love about Ring Day:

1) Cake. Anything involving cake is always a winner with me and Andre knows how to make a good cake.
2) The trolley. It’s like something out of a Victoria Wood sketch and the wheels even squeak as she pushes it so you can hear her coming.
3) The get up. I was wondering why Andre was dressed as an Elf this morning. She’s in her medieval archery style top (that she designed herself) with a big old cape avec pointy hood and a clasp (I may have mentioned before) bearing a leaf. I do wish I could get a snap shot but I would clearly be taking the piss and the woman has fed me cake today.
4) The explanations. As Andre hands out cakes people are of course asking what the occasion is and she joyfully replies “It’s Ring Day!” like they should of course know what the flipperty gibbet she is going on about. After recognising the look of complete bafflement she goes on to explain further “It’s the day the one true ring was destroyed at Mount Doom”……still baffled, what ring? “You know THE ring, the one ring to rule them all!” And so this goes on.

The cakes themselves are very good. Last year we had massive cakes with marzipan rings on them, this year she did slightly smaller cakes but you had a choice of chocolate or marzipan. I went for chocolate. Yes, as one of my friends pointed out to me I went for one of Andre’s chocolate rings…… Anyway! Apparently the year before last she actually spent hour inscripting all the marzipan rings with the wording on the one in the book/film but decided that was going a bit too far (y’ think?) and held back a bit. Still tasty as fuck though. She is going to a meal this weekend and taking some with her and on each of those she put 7 tiny stars with tweezers. The woman is a perfectionist when it comes to Tolkien what can I say?

In my research for this particular subject and out of pure fascination I have come across a couple of interesting websites to say the least. One has given me my Elvin name of Iltitithnel Kevalynntinu, although when I put it through again it came out with Falyaima Maltanthor and Ithminawen Galonlinde so I’m not convinced of its accuracy. Personally I like the sound of Falyaima. Another gave me a song about Ring Day which can also be downloaded as a ring tone (I’m tempted…), you want to hear it? You know you do!

Into the fires of Orodruin
The One must be cast;
This the price, that must be paid,
Only thus its power will be undone,
Only thus, a great evil, unmade.

There is no other choice
There is no other way.
One of you must take it,
One of you must pay.

The rest is in Elfish so I shant bore you with that. Finally, and this is one of my faves, I have found the Tolkien Wiki page. A whole Wikipedia of everything devoted to Tolkien. There is of course a fairly large entry for The Ring (snigger) which has been broken down into History, a list of Ring Bearers, Powers, Continuity Errors and Trivia amongst other sub titles. If you don’t believe me then see http://lotr.wikia.com/wiki/One_Ring it’s a scintillating read.

I’m sure Andre is very aware of this website and a keen follower, heck she probably set it up.

So remember to celebrate, even if it's only a few moments reflection on why The Lord of the Rings has impacted you, but remember Frodo and the Quest of the Fellowship and remember when Middle-earth was freed.

Or just have a cake.

“Do you have bowling shoes in a size 15 with Elvin markings?”

Apparently HR has told Kirstie that our department are allocated £600 a head to allow for a 2 day ‘team building’ event of whatever description. Now I know that HR are probably thinking along the lines of some tedious conference or one of those bonding weekends in Devon where you have to do trust exercises (no way in hell I’m catching Andre!), put together displays about the key skills of working in a team and do some * shudder * role play….. However, I think that Kirstie is now hell bent on seeing if we can manage to spend this £600 a head on bowling games and food and drink.

I for one am all up for this splendid plan, although I’d hope she wouldn’t be expecting us to play 40 games of bowling and would steer more towards the food and drink for the majority of the cost. You know what it’s like when a big group of people bowl, after the 2nd game everyone gets a bit bored and uninterested and starts chucking bowling balls down the lane willy nilly just to finish it off. I did point this out after Kirstie was planning on booking 4 games! Unfortunately I was with her and Gunner at the time and it appears that they love bowling so it might stretch to 3. I for one will be asking the bowling staff to keep a tally of my own personal spending to see how close I can get to the £600 mark and then asking for anything I don’t spend in cash. £600 is more than I earn in a week – maybe I should ask if I can skip the bowling and just take the money?

It would mean that I get to avoid having to socialise with the people I work with. I’ve done the social thing in previous jobs but for some reason, and you’ll be shocked to hear this, I haven’t really done so in this one. I’m not sure why, I just don’t seem to get on with some of them and have nothing in common with the remainder…… I am partly dreading this bowling night, having to spend several hours beyond my working day with these freaks playing a sport that involves some interaction and social skills isn’t the first entry of my calendar for April. On the flip side though I am incredibly curious to see how it all pans out and what these people are like at bowling. Prior to this we’ve only spent any ‘social’ time round a dinner table or in a bar so an activity that means they have to potentially make themselves look like a prick or admit they can’t bowl for shit will be interesting.

If I were to predict what some of my colleagues will be like that evening then I’d say CJ would be incredibly competitive and stay sober the entire evening just so she’s ‘on her game’. Plus of course she’ll have to make the terribly long journey home afterwards so I expect she’ll be driving and therefore staying on the OJ’s. Whether she can actually bowl would be by the by, it would be her determination to show everyone up and boast as to how she was in the company bowling league at her last job who (of course) were so much better than us. Moody would have a few wines and loosen up a bit but would keep on missing his turn because he’d be chatting to another one of the crusties about ‘the good old days’ and how the bowling lanes in New Zealand are so much better. Harley would be a good but absent minded bowler and I think he’d kick his leg out every time he bowled thinking he’s a character out of King Pin, he’d also be ready to hand out advice to everyone on their technique.

Andre can’t bowl. I’m not commenting on her bowling skills either, I’m stating fact. She has said she can’t bowl because of a shoulder injury so she will be sat watching and probably cheering everyone on. She’ll be sat in the chair in front of the computer that controls all the scores and shouting out people’s names when it’s their turn. She doesn’t drink but then do you need to if you’re Andre? We might have a problem getting some shoes in her size though. I think she’ll probably have a good night and enjoy herself immensely.

I’d take a guess that Gunner is a pretty good bowler and he’s already said he’ll be practicing on his Wii before hand. Although the gradual build up of ciders will eventually make his game falter and scores drop. He’ll carry on regardless though and be the person taking other people’s goes when they lose interest. I bet he has a celebratory dance for when he gets a strike too. Kirstie will be busy organising everyone and making sure everyone has a lane and a ball and the right shoes and a drink in their hand and is having fun. She’ll try and enjoy the night but the PA in her will take over and she’ll take charge and then whinge about it afterwards. A shit bowler who eventually has to use the little frame disabled kids use to help them bowl. Ginger might not even make it; she’s not very good at socialising with people outside her family. If she does come then she’ll have left by 8pm or the earliest opportunity to get home to her kids – all very sweet but personally if that were me I’d use any opportunity to have a night away from them.

Saffa may or may not come, again with the crap at work social thing. If she does it’s hit or miss as to whether she’ll drive as she also lives in the arse end of no where like CJ (but somehow manages to make it in on time most days without the slightest whinge) and therefore if she will drink. If she doesn’t then she’ll be pretty quiet to start and maybe warm into conversation later on, she’ll enjoy the bowling and spend the night making un-funny jokes (she’s not got the knack for comedy). If she does drink then she will loosen up very quickly, bowl with some hysterical kind of style (but still be good), be loud, make crap jokes – but loudly – and then at the end of the evening when we’re all in the bar she’ll start crying about something. At which point Kirstie and I will jump in and find out as much as we can about this mysterious blonde, flower giving lover of hers….

Moon Monkey will start off all very formal and professional, too scared that any of his plebs might think him capable of having fun. He’ll be in a suit of course and then after a few drinks the tie will come off and he’ll unbutton his shirt at the top. Then the “YESSSSS!” shouts will start up when he knocks all them pins down and his moon face will get all red and sweaty. He’ll probably win a few games and have taken bowling lessons professionally before hand so he doesn’t look like a chimp in front of us all. Eventually he’ll get pretty wasted and say some embarrassing things and offer people pay rises and we will have to put him in a cab back home and it will be brilliant.

I’m sure that I’m way off kilter and it’ll in fact be a boring night where no one gets that drunk, people moan about the bowling, I get stuck talking to old men about ‘the good old days’ and Moon Monkey puts a stop to the bar tab at 9pm.

Nah! I’m still holding out for drunken Grease re-enactments, the best celebratory dances you’ve ever seen and tears before bed time. Oh and of course the obligatory missing manager the following morning. Bring on the bowling!!

I’m Fiona Bruce…

Happy Monday people. Hip hip hoorah an’ all that.

I’m actually not in the best of states today, for reasons beyond my control (well probably within but vodka and the thought of 2 buses home clouds that sometimes) I am unwashed, in yesterday’s clothes (which as you can imagine are not standard wear for a Monday in the corporate world) have had about an hours sleep, slept in a bed that smelt of B.O. and smoke in said clothes and therefore now smell and look like a tramp and have the attention span of a goldfish. This all said I did manage to drag my weary arse into work on time so that’s something I guess. No one has mentioned my attire, or the fact I smell like – god what do I smell of? It’s not good whatever it is. Definite hobo aroma. I am being allowed to spend the working hours sat here staring into space and writing the odd email without interruption. Thankfully I have tomorrow off work so maybe by Wednesday I’ll have got my shiz together again.

This kind of behaviour is harking back to last summer when I went through a spate of being ridiculously late in for work and constantly hung over. I was temping at the time so time keeping was more of my control (you don’t work the hours you don’t get paid) and most people seemed to find the hangovers amusing more than anything. It did get to the point where if I was late in for a reason other than previous night’s drinking or just a bit quiet that day I’d get accused of being on the lash again. Seemed to build myself a bit of a reputation and probably well deserved.

This could be why no one has quizzed me over the jeans and jumper and why I look like shit on a stick. They’re all so used to it they are more likely to ask me if I’m ok when I come in looking healthy! Hmmmmmm, reassessment of lifestyle imminent….

The headlines from the crazy house today aren’t that much more interesting than last weeks I’m afraid. Our top stories so far:

DONG

Hay fever outbreak amongst ‘normals’!
Both Ginger and Gunner are suffering badly today from the rising pollen count, symptoms include sniffing, sneezing, coughing and watery eyes. Gunner is sounding particularly bad and has affected the ‘man flu’ stance to combat the situation. Tissues and anti-histamine stat.

DONG

CJ in work by 10.09am!
Some excuse bandied about which involved her car for a change. Most office members ignore and raise an eyebrow. Moody starts to quiz her on her whereabouts and wind up ensues. Nancy keeps her head down to avoid any eye contact or chance of conversation – more on this later.

DONG

Kirstie close to lamping Moon Monkey!
After the huge task of booking Moon Monkey, his wife and baby monkey on a flight for Sunday night (sounds straight forward but he made sure this wasn’t so) Kirstie returns to work this morning to discover he had neglected to tell her his wife has a different last name to him. Kirstie holds tongue and fists and offers up the advice that maybe he could have mentioned this previously. So far violence has not broken out but you can feel the tension in the air and the monkey is restless.

DONG

Employee falls asleep at desk!
Staff at a high profile, corporate company are wondering what that smell is and why a devoted colleague has collapsed at their desk today. Initial reports suggest the smell could have been the cause of the fainting episode. The police, ambulance and Rentokil have been called in.

More on these stories and other fascinating tales when you join me again on Wednesday.

Wish you weren’t here?

I’m back, from outer space…..well Northern Europe really.

I had a lovely few days away from this mad house, thank you for asking dear reader. At not one point did the thought of Andre, CJ or Moody enter my mind, nor did I wonder how those jobs I handed over to Ginger on Friday were progressing, nor if they had discovered the banana I accidentally left in my locked cupboard. Actually, maybe I wondered a little about the banana. And I tell a lie, I thought about Andre on one occasion when we walked past a boat called ‘Gandalf’, of which I took a picture (as you can see).

I returned this morning early (not sure what happened there) and full of the joys of spring! I was missed! How did they ever cope without me before?! Never go on holiday again Nancy!! I should be so lucky. I wandered in, shouted a couple of ‘Hello’s’ around the office to which I mainly received some muffled ‘Hi….morning’s’ in reply and Moody didn’t even look up from his desk. Of course some of the normals wandered over and enquired about my break but other than that it’s like I haven’t been away. Ginger filled me in on the complete lack of anything happening in my absence which was disappointing, especially when I think of you guys sitting there in anticipation of some juicy returning blog. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but today I have very little for you. Just the way the orc-flavoured cookie crumbles sometimes.

The team-bonding bowling day which was meant to be next Wednesday has now been postponed until after Easter. I only found this out by mentioning it to Kirstie who then realised I wouldn’t have known about it not being here an’ all. Thanks. CJ has been keeping her usual hours and lost a £1 bet with Moody this morning as she claimed she would be in by 9am. She made it in for 9.15am. She is of course taking flex tomorrow due to all of those hours she’s clocked up the past 2 weeks. I have spent most of the day being her feckin’ receptionist as every time she walks away from her desk her phone rings. Most people on the end of the line sound quite harassed and as though this is the 44th time they have called to try and catch her. Tomorrow I plan to let it ring.

Saffa seems to have developed some illness or injury and has been off a lot with doctor’s appointments including this morning but no update on the love triangle situation. Moon Monkey is off again and actually on holiday next week so we hope not to see him for a while. Andre is back to being her usual quiet self so no ramblings from her today – shame it could have made the time go quicker.

All of the work I handed over on Friday didn’t get done so I had it all handed back to me this morning plus another 60 jobs from Moody. He seemed genuinely pleased to see me though, probably because of all the work he can dump back on me again. I won’t mention I’ve booked off next Tuesday as well….

Tomorrow will be another quiet Friday and we’re planning a pub lunch so maybe you’ll get some slightly inebriated blogging tomorrow afternoon to lead you into the weekend. If all else fails I can take you through my holiday snap shots….

Andre

Friday, quiet day, not a heck of a lot going on day. However, as I was mulling over what I could write to you nice people about I realised that Andre has been unusually chatty since she got in and I have learnt some new and wonderful facts about her I felt should be shared with the cyber world (well all 3 of you who are tuning in anyway). She started talking literally the moment she stepped into the office and hasn’t shut up since. I’m not complaining, it’s all rather entertaining and breaks up the tedium of the day as I wait for 4.30pm to crawl round.

First things first Andre marches up to Ginger as she walks in, cape billowing behind her (fastened might I add with a very fetching gold LoTR style broach in the shape of a leaf) which she does very well to her credit. She starts blabbering on about this company talk we were invited to go to on Wednesday in the bar (you’ll be shocked to hear I didn’t attend and wasn’t too interested in the 2009 year results, plus the fact it went on until 30 minutes after I’d left the office) and what the CEO was saying. Apparently he advised everyone to “go out and buy some outlandish clothing or sleep on the other side of the bed” to inspire creativity in the work place – it was all very amusing so she says. So she has listened closely to our great leader and indeed gone out to get herself some outlandish clothing. This is in the shape of some garish silk item that will be made into an outfit for a dinner party this weekend. Nice on Andre, McQueen would be proud.

From Donna’s reaction the other side of my partition I can tell she’s gone to town with the outlandish side of things. Then she wanders round to her desk, which incidentally is now directly behind mine as she moved to be ‘warmer’, and says she has found the best thing to relieve stress. Er, ok. I am genuinely concerned as to what she will pull out of her Wimbledon 2003 holdall right now. But don’t worry, it’s one of those stress toys in the shape of The Stig from Top Gear – phew!! Actually it’s quite cool and she lets me have a squeeze before he takes pride of place next to the Sydney Swans garden gnome on her desk.

Ginger lingers over to see what we’re laughing at as Andre pushes the Stig into fairly risqué positions and starts asking about this CEO presentation again. She says she might try sleeping on the other side of the bed and Andre pipes up with how she has to sleep with room for her left arm to be up and free of the covers as it’s her “fighting arm”. ‘Scuse me? “I fight best with my left arm”. Really? And who are you imagining you will be in full combat with in the middle of the night, living with your mother in a semi in Acton? Ginger always likes to fuel these conversations though and so somehow we lead on to “and I can sleep with an open pen knife in my hand without cutting the sheets to ribbons”. OK Ginger, deal with this one then. “Do you not end up cutting yourself in your sleep?” – “No I sleep with my hand under my pillow and the knife in my hand”. Now I’m too curious – “Er so do you often feel the need to sleep armed?” – “well if you’re staying in student accommodation or hostels it can be quite dangerous.” Yeah, I’d imagine so if you’re wielding knives around in your sleep!!

It’s 9.25am and so far I have learnt that Andre has a nice new garish outfit for the weekend, loves all things Top Gear, fights best with her left arm and can and will sleep with an open pen knife under her pillow.

Lunch time comes round and I bump into her in the canteen as I’m trying to decide what to get. On returning to my desk I enquire about her choice of food and it’s “just a jacket potato and butter I’m afraid, very boring”. I’m not sure if I have mentioned it before but Andre can’t eat anything. Her diet mainly consists of very dull foods like potato and also for some reason a lot of crisps (I guess that’s potato too), KitKats and bottles of coke. Turns out she is allergic to practically everything; it’s some kind of E number agent thing that appears in all food on the planet except potatoes. Or something like that anyway. She’s also allergic to something that is in most clothing and so has to have a lot of her own hand made ‘specially (ahhhh that explains the tailor, although I think I would go for a nice jumper over a 12th century style dressing gown). She points out her jeans and says “I had to have these made!” which I find odd as I assumed the reason all her trousers were about 3 inches too short on the leg was because she couldn’t find ones that fitted her enormous height. Seriously her trousers end before her white socks begin, it’s like they’ve had an argument with her shoes.

For those of you with food allergies I do sympathise, I’m lucky enough to be able to shove anything down my gullet without hyperventilating or vomiting. You may like to know that this weekend there is an Allergies road show at Olympia and if you head down you may even catch a glimpse of Andre joining the Anaphylactic Society.

We’ve also just had a conversation about an article in the Daily Mail saying there was a massive Viking burial site found this week in the UK. She’s agreeing with most of the article but isn’t sure about where their evidence lies in stating that there was an ‘audience’ to this battle. She’s concerned about it, I told her not to be as it wouldn’t be the first time the Daily Mail has lied to its readers. None the less she’s got a colour photocopy to take home with her. Could be a good talking point at the dinner party this weekend when she’s wearing her new silk frock, avoiding eating anything but potatoes and heading home at the end of the night to tuck herself in with a Swiss army knife.

Night, night Andre.

Tight lipped

Not much to update on the Saffa situation today I’m afraid. She came into work very late at about 11.30am so Kirstie and I were wondering if something was up. Just as Kirstie was going to ask Harley where she was she turned up. Kirstie told her her ears must have been burning as we’d just been talking about her and why she wasn’t in. Saffa said “yeah, well I’m here now” and no further explanation so we’re none the wiser. We’ve decided it was probably because she was knackered after boffing Blondie in a hotel room somewhere all night and she had a lie-in. Or possibly a doctors appointment? I’ll let you come to your own conclusions.

I could walk up to Saffa and demand to know what’s going on but I don’t think that would work and is probably not the most professional approach to take in the office. I’d employ the uses of Kirstie but she’s off now until Monday and then I’m off work next Mon-Wed so it looks like it’ll have to wait. Yes I’m afraid there will be no blog next week until the Thursday, I hope you can survive and I’m sure you will. I’m off on my holidays and plan to be nowhere near a computer as from 4.30pm tomorrow until my return to my desk on the 18th. But lets not think of that now, I haven’t even left yet.

Maybe it’ll all kick off while I’m Amsterdam and I’ll come back to some uber gossip fest where Blondie stormed into the office in the middle of the day and started screaming at Saffa who broke down in tears and then Blondie apologised and they made up with a full on snog and eventually had to be pulled apart by Moon Monkey at which point they grabbed their coats and ran off and Saffa came back 4 days later walking like a cowboy and all flushed in the face.

Actually if I missed all that I would be gutted!! So let’s hope they save it for when I’m back.

In other news it looks as though the team bonding event will be in the form of bowling. Andre will unfortunately not be able to compete due to her old fractured shoulder injury which I am disappointed about as I bet she’s a mean bowler and would bring her own medieval bowling outfit. Personally I think bowling has the potential to be a good laugh and even more hilarious with this bunch of misfits. Plus they serve drinks to your lanes don’t they? What more do we need? I’m going to start practicing my victory dance for when I get a strike.