I have quite a lot to update you on for this week, there’s the meetings (oh god the meetings…), the meetings about meetings, the meetings about the meetings about the…well you get the idea. There’s also The Temp who is driving me pretty insane, me overthrowing the new system (I’ve cracked it! Mwahahahahah!), the lewd banter shocking Freaker, my first experience of an on-line web conference call with the heavy breather and the day of exploding yoghurts (oh god the yoghurts…). There’s more but my brain is a bit too full currently to remember it all. Oh and tonight is the work Halloween party which I am sure I shall have much to report back on as there will be alcohol and fake blood involved.
However today is not going to be the day I can furnish you with all the details. Not in their full, glorious Technicolor glory anyway – I wouldn’t do them justice. It’d be crammed between the next meeting and Moody’s continuous IT for Dummies lessons from me. Plus I have a Halloween outfit to get into before 5pm. I’m also off tomorrow, managed to work enough hours to warrant a flexi day (I know, what the hell is going on?!) but I shall endeavour to blog from the homestead for a Friday catch up.
Now if that’s not dedication I don’t know what is.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Monday, 25 October 2010
T for Temp
The Temp is starting to show signs of nesting and settling in. Perhaps a bit too much for my liking there’s being relaxed in the work place and there’s stepping over the line and addressing personal hygiene issues at your desk.
The talking is one thing, honesty between her, Kirstie and Moody it’s surprising I actually manage to get anything done at the moment – there’s always one of them at my desk yabbering away. Work related, non-work related, work related that then somehow turns into non-work related and then ends up work related again (1/2 an hour later…) Another thing is clipping your finger nails at your desk. And another thing altogether is doing it while talking to me and having them ping in my direction.
This morning her breakfast consisted of one of those M&S hummus and carrot stick pots, weird enough as it was anyway she was munching away and asking me some (work related) questions at the same time. Oh Christ, here we go again, another gacker – what am I going to do I only just escaped one!! Actually there was a lack of gacking but she was eating and talking which you all know how I feel about. Half way through she realised what she was doing “oh my god, sorry I am just sat here eating – how rude!” Well at least she’s addressed the situation. However she carries on anyway, munch…munch….munch.
The attack of the hang nail came a little bit later in the day when she was asking me about something (non-work related) and sorting out a nail she had broken when filing. Hacking it off with a large pair of paper scissors. I’m not one to get squeamish about these things but I know people who are so it’s the kind of thing I personally would save for my next trip to the bathroom perhaps – just a thought. So I’m answering her question while she concentrates furiously on the little beggar – er are you listening to me? Should I wait until you…..PING! Flies off her finger and bounces off my leg on to the floor in front of me. The look on my face should surely have been hint enough that I was pretty repulsed by this vicious attack but no, she goes for the other half – um do you mind if you….PING! On to the piece of paper I have in front of me. “Oh, sorry, let me just get that….”
Would you like to borrow a nail file?
So the girl is shocked by the ‘C’ word, amazed that people kiss in public so much here (not the done thing in Queensland apparently) but is more than happy to fling her nail clippings at me?
Another freak to add to the collective.
The talking is one thing, honesty between her, Kirstie and Moody it’s surprising I actually manage to get anything done at the moment – there’s always one of them at my desk yabbering away. Work related, non-work related, work related that then somehow turns into non-work related and then ends up work related again (1/2 an hour later…) Another thing is clipping your finger nails at your desk. And another thing altogether is doing it while talking to me and having them ping in my direction.
This morning her breakfast consisted of one of those M&S hummus and carrot stick pots, weird enough as it was anyway she was munching away and asking me some (work related) questions at the same time. Oh Christ, here we go again, another gacker – what am I going to do I only just escaped one!! Actually there was a lack of gacking but she was eating and talking which you all know how I feel about. Half way through she realised what she was doing “oh my god, sorry I am just sat here eating – how rude!” Well at least she’s addressed the situation. However she carries on anyway, munch…munch….munch.
The attack of the hang nail came a little bit later in the day when she was asking me about something (non-work related) and sorting out a nail she had broken when filing. Hacking it off with a large pair of paper scissors. I’m not one to get squeamish about these things but I know people who are so it’s the kind of thing I personally would save for my next trip to the bathroom perhaps – just a thought. So I’m answering her question while she concentrates furiously on the little beggar – er are you listening to me? Should I wait until you…..PING! Flies off her finger and bounces off my leg on to the floor in front of me. The look on my face should surely have been hint enough that I was pretty repulsed by this vicious attack but no, she goes for the other half – um do you mind if you….PING! On to the piece of paper I have in front of me. “Oh, sorry, let me just get that….”
Would you like to borrow a nail file?
So the girl is shocked by the ‘C’ word, amazed that people kiss in public so much here (not the done thing in Queensland apparently) but is more than happy to fling her nail clippings at me?
Another freak to add to the collective.
Friday, 22 October 2010
Profanities - they make the day go faster
The topic of bad language has been going around the office today – swears I mean, naughty words that may offend (so be warned…). This has been kicked off by the Temp (still nameless, suggestions on a postcard are welcome people) who seems to be shocked an appalled at some of the banter that goes on in this place. I think this is partly due to some misinterpretation/understanding and partly due to the fact she’s never worked in this industry before and so not experienced as many potty mouths in one office.
When I started I was quite taken aback in the same way (although I never said anything as I didn’t want to come across as a ‘square’, I just joined in merrily!), not because the F word offends me but because normally you don’t hear your boss talking about “the f-ing c-t’s” who won’t return her calls. I think it’s an industry thing, lots of older men who think the term ‘PC’ is something to do with their computer and how it just rubs off on the younger employees and eventually becomes completely acceptable. Don’t get me wrong you don’t wander round the office f’ing and blinding all the time but the outbursts or use of swears in conversation doesn’t mean you’ll end up with a written disciplinarily and your P45 by Friday.
It’s also departmental. If I was to walk into another department then they might have a totally different take on the whole swearing thing. You do need to watch how you tread; us and Finance are probably the worst for bad language. Our swear jars overfloweth.
As well as the swearing there’s the banter, the innuendo and the general rudeness. I personally think it’s hilarious and fully embrace it and encourage it. The guys think it’s great that the girls wind them up or drop a comment and that they can do the same without getting a blush and a sexual harassment rap. Each to their own though, I know it’s not everyone’s bag and wouldn’t be acceptable everywhere and there’s people you know you can only go so far with.
For example with Kirstie there’s no holds barred, anything goes, I have yet to make her blush (and believe me I’ve tried…) but with Andre you can be a little risqué but if the conversation were to end up on a discussion about the different names for women’s private parts (as it did around lunchtime today) then she’d probably excuse herself and go back to listening to ABBA on her i-pod. You need to know your audience.
Temp is generally shocked by most things so far which I am finding surprising because she’s not coming across as the shy and retiring type. This girl hasn’t grown up all isolated on a Queensland farm somewhere, naive and young and now thrown into big bad London – she’s seen things. Things I haven’t seen and I’m almost 10 years her senior. But condoms in the stationary cupboard? Oh my god! Kirstie talking about pole dancing – WTF? Come on luv this is tame by comparison.
Earlier today Kirstie slammed down her mouse and called her computer a “F-ing C-t”. It wasn’t shouted across the room, it was under her breath but Temp caught it and gasped. “Can you use that word without offending people over here?” (She means the UK.) Kirstie says “yeah it doesn’t bother me; I use it all the time”. I feel I need to jump in here. “Not EVERYONE is a fan of the C word; in fact possibly less rather than more so please be careful using it around people Temp.” It’s ok; she doesn’t like using it anyway. Phew. I was envisaging her walking into bars and using it prolifically “Hi, please can I have a beer you c-t?” “Could you tell me where the c-ting toilets are?” She wouldn’t last long. If she doesn’t like it though she might want to follow Andre’s example and listen to some ABBA as the air in here can get quite blue at times….
Have a fucking great weekend everyone ;)
When I started I was quite taken aback in the same way (although I never said anything as I didn’t want to come across as a ‘square’, I just joined in merrily!), not because the F word offends me but because normally you don’t hear your boss talking about “the f-ing c-t’s” who won’t return her calls. I think it’s an industry thing, lots of older men who think the term ‘PC’ is something to do with their computer and how it just rubs off on the younger employees and eventually becomes completely acceptable. Don’t get me wrong you don’t wander round the office f’ing and blinding all the time but the outbursts or use of swears in conversation doesn’t mean you’ll end up with a written disciplinarily and your P45 by Friday.
It’s also departmental. If I was to walk into another department then they might have a totally different take on the whole swearing thing. You do need to watch how you tread; us and Finance are probably the worst for bad language. Our swear jars overfloweth.
As well as the swearing there’s the banter, the innuendo and the general rudeness. I personally think it’s hilarious and fully embrace it and encourage it. The guys think it’s great that the girls wind them up or drop a comment and that they can do the same without getting a blush and a sexual harassment rap. Each to their own though, I know it’s not everyone’s bag and wouldn’t be acceptable everywhere and there’s people you know you can only go so far with.
For example with Kirstie there’s no holds barred, anything goes, I have yet to make her blush (and believe me I’ve tried…) but with Andre you can be a little risqué but if the conversation were to end up on a discussion about the different names for women’s private parts (as it did around lunchtime today) then she’d probably excuse herself and go back to listening to ABBA on her i-pod. You need to know your audience.
Temp is generally shocked by most things so far which I am finding surprising because she’s not coming across as the shy and retiring type. This girl hasn’t grown up all isolated on a Queensland farm somewhere, naive and young and now thrown into big bad London – she’s seen things. Things I haven’t seen and I’m almost 10 years her senior. But condoms in the stationary cupboard? Oh my god! Kirstie talking about pole dancing – WTF? Come on luv this is tame by comparison.
Earlier today Kirstie slammed down her mouse and called her computer a “F-ing C-t”. It wasn’t shouted across the room, it was under her breath but Temp caught it and gasped. “Can you use that word without offending people over here?” (She means the UK.) Kirstie says “yeah it doesn’t bother me; I use it all the time”. I feel I need to jump in here. “Not EVERYONE is a fan of the C word; in fact possibly less rather than more so please be careful using it around people Temp.” It’s ok; she doesn’t like using it anyway. Phew. I was envisaging her walking into bars and using it prolifically “Hi, please can I have a beer you c-t?” “Could you tell me where the c-ting toilets are?” She wouldn’t last long. If she doesn’t like it though she might want to follow Andre’s example and listen to some ABBA as the air in here can get quite blue at times….
Have a fucking great weekend everyone ;)
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Moan-a-tron
The Moan-o-Meter is dangerously high today, we’re edging towards critical mass, a meltdown of disproportionate size…. Take cover people!!
I think I have had to listen to Kirstie’s complaints, bitching and whines today on average every 6.8 minutes. I think if you broke it down, worked out the average and compared it to weekly statistics we’d be well above average. The huffing is increasing dramatically, the swearing is quire shocking at times – a complete potty mouth – and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on the blacklist. We can all bugger off and leave her alone, stop badgering her, stop calling her, stop emailing her and frankly piss off out of her personal space.
It’s lapsed into some kind of repetitive routine. It’ll start with a big old sigh to my left or a curse or a slamming down of the phone and some muttering. To start with I’d be sympathetic and maybe ask what was wrong or give some kind of supportive comment. I soon learnt my lesson. After I stopped asking for fear of the tirade of ranting I would get back she simply started offering up the rant anyway, without question. So I turn in my seat, look worried or concerned for her, nod as she rants and then try to offer up some advice. I’m now running low on advice fuel so sometimes it’s just a shrug of the shoulders or I’ll say something like “ah they’re all a bunch of bastards” just to try and make her feel a bit better.
The thing is she brings a lot of this work and stress on to herself. People have the most ridiculous requests or demands and I can understand why she is livid about them but then I discover they are asking because at the end of the day she’ll cave and do them. Digging your own grave there girl.
Exhibit A: Kirstie receives an email from one of the BIM (I’ve changed the name for legal reasons….bet you can’t guess…) people who she has had to arrange a squillion travel arrangements for to fly around the world preaching the new system to the poor sods in the other offices. She’s had enough bother doing this because they all appear to be 12 years old and stamping their feet about flying business class or having a vegan meal or taking their 500 family members with them. So now this email is from some retarded employee saying she left her camera on the plane and can Kirstie please look into it? Er you got a phone luv? Got some travel insurance? Good, good. So you lost the camera so how about you ring up and claim for it? JTFC. My response to this email would have been along the lines of “No.” So there is a lot of ranting, she reminds me once again of the 27 other things she is trying to juggle at the moment, why would she have time to look for mislaid cameras?? Etc etc. Good point. “Tell her to take a hike” say I! But does she? No, instead she makes enquires about the lost camera.
There’s a word tattooed on her head right now and it’s ‘MUG’.
Since then she’d had other such ridiculous requests and more and more she seems incapable of saying ‘no’ to things. But the bitching and whining will continue as will the “I need to speak to someone about all of this it’s just ridiculous, I can’t balance all of this….this is 2 people’s job….FFS why are people bothering me with this kind of thing….do they think I sit here with my thumb up my arse all day?”
But does she do anything about it? Does she complain to the right people? Does she heck.
Yesterday she was here from 7.30am until 8.45pm. On Saturday she was in from 10am until 7.30pm. I get to hear all about this. I’ve now got to the point where I won’t say “have a good weekend” because I know I’ll get some rolled eyes and a “yeah right…”
I might go and say something soon to Moon Monkey just to stop the whining. Or maybe put it forward that I am under a lot of pressure to deal with Kirstie’s er pressure. Yeah, it’s all about me! Sod it I’ll just move desks again….
I think I have had to listen to Kirstie’s complaints, bitching and whines today on average every 6.8 minutes. I think if you broke it down, worked out the average and compared it to weekly statistics we’d be well above average. The huffing is increasing dramatically, the swearing is quire shocking at times – a complete potty mouth – and everyone (and I mean everyone) is on the blacklist. We can all bugger off and leave her alone, stop badgering her, stop calling her, stop emailing her and frankly piss off out of her personal space.
It’s lapsed into some kind of repetitive routine. It’ll start with a big old sigh to my left or a curse or a slamming down of the phone and some muttering. To start with I’d be sympathetic and maybe ask what was wrong or give some kind of supportive comment. I soon learnt my lesson. After I stopped asking for fear of the tirade of ranting I would get back she simply started offering up the rant anyway, without question. So I turn in my seat, look worried or concerned for her, nod as she rants and then try to offer up some advice. I’m now running low on advice fuel so sometimes it’s just a shrug of the shoulders or I’ll say something like “ah they’re all a bunch of bastards” just to try and make her feel a bit better.
The thing is she brings a lot of this work and stress on to herself. People have the most ridiculous requests or demands and I can understand why she is livid about them but then I discover they are asking because at the end of the day she’ll cave and do them. Digging your own grave there girl.
Exhibit A: Kirstie receives an email from one of the BIM (I’ve changed the name for legal reasons….bet you can’t guess…) people who she has had to arrange a squillion travel arrangements for to fly around the world preaching the new system to the poor sods in the other offices. She’s had enough bother doing this because they all appear to be 12 years old and stamping their feet about flying business class or having a vegan meal or taking their 500 family members with them. So now this email is from some retarded employee saying she left her camera on the plane and can Kirstie please look into it? Er you got a phone luv? Got some travel insurance? Good, good. So you lost the camera so how about you ring up and claim for it? JTFC. My response to this email would have been along the lines of “No.” So there is a lot of ranting, she reminds me once again of the 27 other things she is trying to juggle at the moment, why would she have time to look for mislaid cameras?? Etc etc. Good point. “Tell her to take a hike” say I! But does she? No, instead she makes enquires about the lost camera.
There’s a word tattooed on her head right now and it’s ‘MUG’.
Since then she’d had other such ridiculous requests and more and more she seems incapable of saying ‘no’ to things. But the bitching and whining will continue as will the “I need to speak to someone about all of this it’s just ridiculous, I can’t balance all of this….this is 2 people’s job….FFS why are people bothering me with this kind of thing….do they think I sit here with my thumb up my arse all day?”
But does she do anything about it? Does she complain to the right people? Does she heck.
Yesterday she was here from 7.30am until 8.45pm. On Saturday she was in from 10am until 7.30pm. I get to hear all about this. I’ve now got to the point where I won’t say “have a good weekend” because I know I’ll get some rolled eyes and a “yeah right…”
I might go and say something soon to Moon Monkey just to stop the whining. Or maybe put it forward that I am under a lot of pressure to deal with Kirstie’s er pressure. Yeah, it’s all about me! Sod it I’ll just move desks again….
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
New Girl – as yet nameless
OK so I don’t have a name for the new girl yet but there seem to be some distinguishing qualities becoming apparent:
1) She talks. A lot.
2) She seems to have done a lot of crazy shit
3) She has 5 blokes on the go
4) The UK mystifies her but for very random reasons
5) Her and Kirstie seem to share a lot in common
1) The talking a lot I can handle, it’s normally about fairly interesting stuff and she is very chatty in a nice way. It’s not all bitch and moan, its gossip and stories and questions. The talking a lot when I am trying to get everything done so I can get out the door at 5pm but end up talking to her (or listening to her) for 25 minutes and then not having done anything at 5pm when she walks out the door is not so good. Curb it in woman. We’re also not at that stage yet when you can have a conversation and just break off mid way through to do work stuff or just get to a point and go “yeah…” and turn back to your screen without offending. Kirstie and I reached that point many moons ago, sometimes she’ll just get up and walk away half way through something to ask someone else a question or my phone will ring and I’ll just stop, take the call and then carry on afterwards. You know how it works? It’s work, so sometimes you have to actually do some work and pretend to look professional!!
2) This girl is probably in her mid to late 20’s and already had clocked up some crazy shit that you probably should be aiming for by 50. Well maybe that’s just naive old me…youngsters these days. Pass me that scone. Anyway, since she’s been in the UK (which is 3 months) she’s already ended up in hospital once and has been the most drunk she has ever been in her life. She went to Vegas last year and got married (I don’t know any further details as yet, it was a passing comment at 4.59pm last night and I was trying to get out the door as I said), the guy she got married to is on YouTube being hypnotised at some Sex Expo in Australia, she’s been injured quite badly on a golf course and oh the guy she married in Vegas, you’ll be amazed to hear they are no longer married. She doesn’t remember much about it. Come to think of it it did sound a bit like the plot to The Hangover…
3) 5 blokes on the go. Actually it’s 2 now, I’m over exaggerating. It was 5 and she’s managed to whittle it down to 2. Now I’m not one to judge, play the field if you want, don’t put all your eggs in one basket and all that but it’s more that I can’t quite understand how she has managed to have 5 blokes on the go…. Miaoooow! Saucer of milk for Nancy, table 4! As I said she seems nice enough but she’s not a looker and she doesn’t have the body Christina Hendricks would be jealous of. Plus as mentioned previously she talks….a lot. I can imagine the dates being quite tiring for the guy, and not always in a good way. Plus there’s the danger you might end up married to the chick by the end of the night!
4) Random stuff. Like “Wow you guys take a full hours lunch break here!” or “What is it with sweet popcorn?!” or “Why did I get an email about someone having a baby?” (The last one was a round robin to the office because one of the receptionists popped one out yesterday – we share the joy here, no harm in that?). I can understand statements like “Why is it so cold here?!” or “Why did your boss look at me funny when I talk about wearing my thongs into work tomorrow?” but she just seems to be confused about the weirdest stuff. Maybe it’s me and I haven’t come across enough Australians yet (careful). No I have, I definitely have. I’ve been to Shepherd’s Bush, I’ve drunk in a bar in London….
5) As I am sat between the two ladies from the Southern Hemisphere there is a lot banter going on across me, as you would expect. Australia this and Australia that and “aren’t the English funny about…” or “do you find that….” A lot of this is quite comical and I like to stick my British oar in sometimes and wind them up but again with the talking a lot and me trying to get this work done before 5pm…. I think if it carries on I may have to create some kind of mini civil war to gain control of New Zealand so I can move further south and away from the Ozzies. I’m sure it’ll all calm down though, they’re just a bit excited at the moment right? Right?
It’s 4.49pm and I’d like to be out the door by 5pm so I need to start packing up and pre-empting the discussion about beetroot in hamburgers (wrong, it’s just wrong…), have a good evening y’ great galahs!
1) She talks. A lot.
2) She seems to have done a lot of crazy shit
3) She has 5 blokes on the go
4) The UK mystifies her but for very random reasons
5) Her and Kirstie seem to share a lot in common
1) The talking a lot I can handle, it’s normally about fairly interesting stuff and she is very chatty in a nice way. It’s not all bitch and moan, its gossip and stories and questions. The talking a lot when I am trying to get everything done so I can get out the door at 5pm but end up talking to her (or listening to her) for 25 minutes and then not having done anything at 5pm when she walks out the door is not so good. Curb it in woman. We’re also not at that stage yet when you can have a conversation and just break off mid way through to do work stuff or just get to a point and go “yeah…” and turn back to your screen without offending. Kirstie and I reached that point many moons ago, sometimes she’ll just get up and walk away half way through something to ask someone else a question or my phone will ring and I’ll just stop, take the call and then carry on afterwards. You know how it works? It’s work, so sometimes you have to actually do some work and pretend to look professional!!
2) This girl is probably in her mid to late 20’s and already had clocked up some crazy shit that you probably should be aiming for by 50. Well maybe that’s just naive old me…youngsters these days. Pass me that scone. Anyway, since she’s been in the UK (which is 3 months) she’s already ended up in hospital once and has been the most drunk she has ever been in her life. She went to Vegas last year and got married (I don’t know any further details as yet, it was a passing comment at 4.59pm last night and I was trying to get out the door as I said), the guy she got married to is on YouTube being hypnotised at some Sex Expo in Australia, she’s been injured quite badly on a golf course and oh the guy she married in Vegas, you’ll be amazed to hear they are no longer married. She doesn’t remember much about it. Come to think of it it did sound a bit like the plot to The Hangover…
3) 5 blokes on the go. Actually it’s 2 now, I’m over exaggerating. It was 5 and she’s managed to whittle it down to 2. Now I’m not one to judge, play the field if you want, don’t put all your eggs in one basket and all that but it’s more that I can’t quite understand how she has managed to have 5 blokes on the go…. Miaoooow! Saucer of milk for Nancy, table 4! As I said she seems nice enough but she’s not a looker and she doesn’t have the body Christina Hendricks would be jealous of. Plus as mentioned previously she talks….a lot. I can imagine the dates being quite tiring for the guy, and not always in a good way. Plus there’s the danger you might end up married to the chick by the end of the night!
4) Random stuff. Like “Wow you guys take a full hours lunch break here!” or “What is it with sweet popcorn?!” or “Why did I get an email about someone having a baby?” (The last one was a round robin to the office because one of the receptionists popped one out yesterday – we share the joy here, no harm in that?). I can understand statements like “Why is it so cold here?!” or “Why did your boss look at me funny when I talk about wearing my thongs into work tomorrow?” but she just seems to be confused about the weirdest stuff. Maybe it’s me and I haven’t come across enough Australians yet (careful). No I have, I definitely have. I’ve been to Shepherd’s Bush, I’ve drunk in a bar in London….
5) As I am sat between the two ladies from the Southern Hemisphere there is a lot banter going on across me, as you would expect. Australia this and Australia that and “aren’t the English funny about…” or “do you find that….” A lot of this is quite comical and I like to stick my British oar in sometimes and wind them up but again with the talking a lot and me trying to get this work done before 5pm…. I think if it carries on I may have to create some kind of mini civil war to gain control of New Zealand so I can move further south and away from the Ozzies. I’m sure it’ll all calm down though, they’re just a bit excited at the moment right? Right?
It’s 4.49pm and I’d like to be out the door by 5pm so I need to start packing up and pre-empting the discussion about beetroot in hamburgers (wrong, it’s just wrong…), have a good evening y’ great galahs!
Monday, 18 October 2010
G’Day!
Got a new girl started today and I seem to be in charge of her daily duties (easy). Going up in the world it seems. She’s another Aussie so I am surrounded on all sides now; it’s like being the geographical equivalent of Papua New Guinea. Very chatty and bubbly and quite young (mid 20’s perhaps? Tried to work it out from her CV but it’s hard to tell) and she’s been in the UK for 3 months now. Not sure of a suitable name as yet, this will have to be considered and vetted and put to a panel of badgers before its official, I’ll keep you posted.
Poor sod has been lumbered with all of the filing shat. Actually it pretty much reminds me of me when I started here and the bollocks we were given to do. It mainly consisted of photocopying an entire back catalogue of contracts and then throwing them away 4 weeks later. After my first day I was told to ‘slow down’ as we were being too efficient and would put ourselves out of a job within days. Fair enough but there is only so much dawdling and slowing down of photocopying you can do you know? I think I might have to have the same chat with this chick as she is storming through the filing today and I’m not sure what else to give her….
Gunner organised the temp and has now fecked off to Cape Town for the week. He emailed us all this morning to say how he’d managed to get bumped up to 1st class on his BA flight and so enjoyed dinner and cocktails in the Concorde lounge before hand, has the swankiest hotel room and a view of the sea from his desk at work. I hate him. He seems to think we can employ the Aussie beyond Crimbo with the work we have to give her but I am wondering beyond Wednesday what to give her…. Ginger might be of help but she’s off to Future Ventura on Wednesday so her brain is already on the beach and she’s got a mountain of stuff to get through. Ah well, I’ll get temp signed into the system and she can check her FaceBook for 4 days like I used to. And maybe look for a new job.
I’m quite enjoying the enthusiasm of a new person though “Yay work!” “Yay filing!” Whoooo! Go team! Nice to have someone positive sat next to you who wants to have a laugh and a natter rather than a cursing, muttering, crying (yes she has cried today), cynical person. I am of course talking about Kirstie who is having a pretty shitty Monday. The whinge factor is tipping the Richter scale today so she’s been on and on and on….. I hope the new girl doesn’t think we’re all like this or have incredibly stressful jobs like Kirstie. It’s kind of odd with Little Miss Happy sat to my left and Little Miss On The Edge of a Nervous Breakdown sat to the right. My mood swings have been quite impressive today. Maybe Happy will rub off a bit on Breakdown and she’ll chill the fuck out. I’ll have a chat to Roger Hargreaves and see what we can figure out.
Poor sod has been lumbered with all of the filing shat. Actually it pretty much reminds me of me when I started here and the bollocks we were given to do. It mainly consisted of photocopying an entire back catalogue of contracts and then throwing them away 4 weeks later. After my first day I was told to ‘slow down’ as we were being too efficient and would put ourselves out of a job within days. Fair enough but there is only so much dawdling and slowing down of photocopying you can do you know? I think I might have to have the same chat with this chick as she is storming through the filing today and I’m not sure what else to give her….
Gunner organised the temp and has now fecked off to Cape Town for the week. He emailed us all this morning to say how he’d managed to get bumped up to 1st class on his BA flight and so enjoyed dinner and cocktails in the Concorde lounge before hand, has the swankiest hotel room and a view of the sea from his desk at work. I hate him. He seems to think we can employ the Aussie beyond Crimbo with the work we have to give her but I am wondering beyond Wednesday what to give her…. Ginger might be of help but she’s off to Future Ventura on Wednesday so her brain is already on the beach and she’s got a mountain of stuff to get through. Ah well, I’ll get temp signed into the system and she can check her FaceBook for 4 days like I used to. And maybe look for a new job.
I’m quite enjoying the enthusiasm of a new person though “Yay work!” “Yay filing!” Whoooo! Go team! Nice to have someone positive sat next to you who wants to have a laugh and a natter rather than a cursing, muttering, crying (yes she has cried today), cynical person. I am of course talking about Kirstie who is having a pretty shitty Monday. The whinge factor is tipping the Richter scale today so she’s been on and on and on….. I hope the new girl doesn’t think we’re all like this or have incredibly stressful jobs like Kirstie. It’s kind of odd with Little Miss Happy sat to my left and Little Miss On The Edge of a Nervous Breakdown sat to the right. My mood swings have been quite impressive today. Maybe Happy will rub off a bit on Breakdown and she’ll chill the fuck out. I’ll have a chat to Roger Hargreaves and see what we can figure out.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Happy Hell Day
Conversation between me and Moody this morning:
M: Can I ask you something about the system again?
N: Sure
M: So IT Lady as asked me which of these contracts is the original and which is the amendment or is it a revision?
N: * sigh * OK you remember about half an hour ago I took you through the whole revision of a contract thing?
M: Did you? Looks at me blankly like this is a whole new concept to him
N: Yes, I told you if you revise a contract then it becomes a revision of the original and adds the new stuff to it
M: So it combines everything into one?
N: Yes, well done
M: So what happens to the old one?
N: It is cancelled in the system
M: Why?
N: * sigh * Because everything gets put into the new one – the new one is the original contract PLUS the revision so you don’t need the old one any more
M: But IT Lady can’t see the old one then?
N: She can, she can search for it on the system. Why would she want to do that anyway?
M: Well to see both orders
N: But they are both on the revision
M: Oh, really?
N: Yes
M: So how do we search for them?
Herein follows a 10 minute explanation of how to search for a contract which Moody has been shown by my good self at least 7 or 8 times in the past 2 weeks. I take him through it 3 times.
M: So why has that one got a ‘0’ next to it?
N: Because that is the original one. The revision is the one with no extra number next to it (I know this isn’t that logical but it’s just how it is and I have told him this on numerous occasions)
M: Why?
N: Because it’s set up like that. So if you make another revision this revision one will have a….1 next to it!
M: But it’s been cancelled – how do they invoice against it?
N: They use the new one – the revision which has everything to date on it
M: How will they know how to use that one?
N: Magic and fairy dust
M: Eh?
N: I don’t know, I would assume that Finance have been trained in these matters
M: So what if a vendor invoices and does it as a lump sum or doesn’t put a contract number on it?
N: Why are you worrying about this? It’s not our problem, its finances
M: But what if we are putting the wrong information in these contracts?
N: We’re not, it’s what we have been told to do
M: But…
N: Look have you had anyone from Finance down here saying you’ve put in the wrong information?
M: No but –
N: So let’s assume it’s the right information
M: OK but why is that contract titled like that?
N: It’s probably because the fist requisition was for that
M: But it’s wrong
N: Not for the 1st one it’s not
M: But the revision is for something else
N: Yes which is why we put that in the Revision Description (shows him again for the 4 millionth time)
M: But the contract, the whole contract should be called something else
N: Well change it then
M: How?
N: Er by deleting that title and putting in something else? Just a guess here, I’ve not been trained in IT.
M: Can we do that?
N: Fuck knows, let’s give it a go shall we?
M: Oooh should we do that?
N: Well unless we try you’re stuck with the wrong header (gives it a go, it works)
M: But the old original one is still wrong
N: Yeah you can’t change that as it’s been done and dusted, cancelled
M: But it’s wrong
N: Really? You should have said before!
M: What?
N: Nothing. Well why does it matter? It’s cancelled; no one is going to use it
M: This makes no sense
N: Yes it does, once you know the system it makes sense. It’s a bunch of shat and convoluted and complicated but it makes sense
M: But why is it like that?
N: No idea, maybe they did it on purpose to piss us off? Actually no, it was my idea. I did it so I could spend 75% of my working day trying to explain how it all works to you
M: So do you understand all of this?
N: Yes I do now
M: So how come you get it and I don’t?
N: Because you are a demented, retarded, annoying imbecile
M: Eh?
N: I said maybe because I use it a lot more than you and do all your work for you?
M: I suppose so
N: Anything else I can help you with?
M: Well I have this hard copy requisition and I need to put the order on the system, how do I do that?
N: Just like I showed you last time
M: Did you? Looks blankly again
N: Yes, it’s just like setting up a normal contract
M: But there’s no requisition in the system
N: Yes because you are holding it in your hand
M: So how do we do it?
N: By just…..look shall I just do that for you?
M: Er yeah ok, thanks
Time elapsed: 25 minutes
Sanity factor: Put it this way, I’m rocking in my chair
Rage scale: Very high
Need for a pint: Extreme
Possibility of violence: High
Time elapsed until next question from Moody: 14 minutes
Hours until home time: 5 ½
To top it all off today is my 2 year anniversary of working in this freak show. Happy Hell Day to me….
M: Can I ask you something about the system again?
N: Sure
M: So IT Lady as asked me which of these contracts is the original and which is the amendment or is it a revision?
N: * sigh * OK you remember about half an hour ago I took you through the whole revision of a contract thing?
M: Did you? Looks at me blankly like this is a whole new concept to him
N: Yes, I told you if you revise a contract then it becomes a revision of the original and adds the new stuff to it
M: So it combines everything into one?
N: Yes, well done
M: So what happens to the old one?
N: It is cancelled in the system
M: Why?
N: * sigh * Because everything gets put into the new one – the new one is the original contract PLUS the revision so you don’t need the old one any more
M: But IT Lady can’t see the old one then?
N: She can, she can search for it on the system. Why would she want to do that anyway?
M: Well to see both orders
N: But they are both on the revision
M: Oh, really?
N: Yes
M: So how do we search for them?
Herein follows a 10 minute explanation of how to search for a contract which Moody has been shown by my good self at least 7 or 8 times in the past 2 weeks. I take him through it 3 times.
M: So why has that one got a ‘0’ next to it?
N: Because that is the original one. The revision is the one with no extra number next to it (I know this isn’t that logical but it’s just how it is and I have told him this on numerous occasions)
M: Why?
N: Because it’s set up like that. So if you make another revision this revision one will have a….1 next to it!
M: But it’s been cancelled – how do they invoice against it?
N: They use the new one – the revision which has everything to date on it
M: How will they know how to use that one?
N: Magic and fairy dust
M: Eh?
N: I don’t know, I would assume that Finance have been trained in these matters
M: So what if a vendor invoices and does it as a lump sum or doesn’t put a contract number on it?
N: Why are you worrying about this? It’s not our problem, its finances
M: But what if we are putting the wrong information in these contracts?
N: We’re not, it’s what we have been told to do
M: But…
N: Look have you had anyone from Finance down here saying you’ve put in the wrong information?
M: No but –
N: So let’s assume it’s the right information
M: OK but why is that contract titled like that?
N: It’s probably because the fist requisition was for that
M: But it’s wrong
N: Not for the 1st one it’s not
M: But the revision is for something else
N: Yes which is why we put that in the Revision Description (shows him again for the 4 millionth time)
M: But the contract, the whole contract should be called something else
N: Well change it then
M: How?
N: Er by deleting that title and putting in something else? Just a guess here, I’ve not been trained in IT.
M: Can we do that?
N: Fuck knows, let’s give it a go shall we?
M: Oooh should we do that?
N: Well unless we try you’re stuck with the wrong header (gives it a go, it works)
M: But the old original one is still wrong
N: Yeah you can’t change that as it’s been done and dusted, cancelled
M: But it’s wrong
N: Really? You should have said before!
M: What?
N: Nothing. Well why does it matter? It’s cancelled; no one is going to use it
M: This makes no sense
N: Yes it does, once you know the system it makes sense. It’s a bunch of shat and convoluted and complicated but it makes sense
M: But why is it like that?
N: No idea, maybe they did it on purpose to piss us off? Actually no, it was my idea. I did it so I could spend 75% of my working day trying to explain how it all works to you
M: So do you understand all of this?
N: Yes I do now
M: So how come you get it and I don’t?
N: Because you are a demented, retarded, annoying imbecile
M: Eh?
N: I said maybe because I use it a lot more than you and do all your work for you?
M: I suppose so
N: Anything else I can help you with?
M: Well I have this hard copy requisition and I need to put the order on the system, how do I do that?
N: Just like I showed you last time
M: Did you? Looks blankly again
N: Yes, it’s just like setting up a normal contract
M: But there’s no requisition in the system
N: Yes because you are holding it in your hand
M: So how do we do it?
N: By just…..look shall I just do that for you?
M: Er yeah ok, thanks
Time elapsed: 25 minutes
Sanity factor: Put it this way, I’m rocking in my chair
Rage scale: Very high
Need for a pint: Extreme
Possibility of violence: High
Time elapsed until next question from Moody: 14 minutes
Hours until home time: 5 ½
To top it all off today is my 2 year anniversary of working in this freak show. Happy Hell Day to me….
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
AND YOU CAN KEEP YOUR STINKING DONUT!
Yesterday was weird. OK, weirder than normal. Not in a Hobbit feast kind of weird way more in a what the heck is going on round here way. I think things are starting to reach a peak in the office and all of the frustrations, stress levels and blind anger from the past month are about to implode in a messy sticky substance all over the department ceiling. You can sense the tensions in here, some in a more obvious way than others. The sweary levels have definitely gone up, if I introduced a swear box to the department we would have saved enough to wipe out the UK’s debt by next Friday. There’s also a lot of muttering, slamming down of phones and, most worryingly of all, glazed defeated expressions of those resigned to the fact they may have lost the battle and be destined to put up with all of this for eternity or until their Euro Millions ticket comes in.
I haven’t quite reached the glazed stage but I’m definitely contributing to solving some of the nation’s financial troubles with my potty mouth.
So the weirdness.
Kirstie had returned to work after a well earnt day off on the Monday. It was in theory her Flexi Friday but seeing as she had to work that and the Saturday Moon Monkey kindly offered for her to take it then. I was also her wedding anniversary (7 years) and so her and her hubby were out on the town celebrating. It seems that she isn’t even allowed this luxury as the proverbial poop had hit the fan while she’d been off. Jesus Titty Fecking Christ was she in a mood! Phoooweee! Worst I have yet to witness! The heat radiating off of her in that fit of rage could have toasted marshmallows and on two occasions she was threatening to just walk out. She even yelled at this poor sweet guy visiting from the Bangladesh office when he asked her to pick out a Crispy Crème donut from the pile he had brought in for his birthday.
“OK, fine. I have a donut now. OK?! Jesus.”
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
You enjoy that luv and try not to choke on the custard filling will you (easy)?! I was about to haul her up on shouting at someone for giving her a free donut but then thought better of it. She said nothing to me all day (very unusual, this woman is a loud Australian and as you know not one to be the shy retiring type) and so I chose to say nothing back. It was only at about 4.30pm I managed to get a little smile out of her and some calm words.
There was also a very last minute ‘stand down’ meeting called for each department. I accepted the invite as it had come from the Moon Man and seemed there was no option to not accept but had no idea what it was about. Then at 10am the whole company got up and went to their respective meetings. I think this is what they term as ‘stand down’ – I get it now….see I’m learning the corporate ways.
The meeting was concerning the company’s health and safety standards which have reached quite a low on the EHS Richter scale. Why does this warrant an entire company stand down? Good question? Well it’s going to be affecting bonuses as the H&S record is one of the many targets the company has to hit in order for people to get their just rewards at the end of the year. So of course it’s taken a priority and people have thrown down their pens and telephones and rushed to the meetings. Or is it because we are genuinely interested in the H&S of our employees? Hmmmm, such a cynic aren’t i?
The meeting dragged on for an hour but at least I had a seat – there were about 25 of us crammed in to a room designed to seat 9, surely a H&S issue in it’s own right?! What if there had been a fire? What if I had needed the lavatory? At least 15 people barred my way to the exit and I would have had to pee my pants right there in the middle of the power point presentation! We were told about the accidents that had occurred over the past year including a scolding from hot milk, a BBQ explosion resulting in 2nd degree burns and an amputated leg. Ouch. Nasty stuff. There was some talk of introducing ridiculous safety measures such as laws to abide by in the office including always holding the hand rail as you use the stairs and covers for all the coffee cups but that was quickly vetoed.
So out of one meeting and after a short while of restraining myself from stapling Moody’s face to his desk, into another giving me about 12 minutes to engulf my panini, crisps and Crispy Crème (which I didn’t shout at someone about). As the meeting was around lunch most people had grabbed something before hand or had their food to look forward to for afters, however CJ decided to combine the two and brought hers to the meeting. Now this wasn’t advertised as a ‘lunch meeting’, i.e. where lunch is provided or people BYO to chow down on. We also had a visiting speaker there so even more the reason to refrain from eating your tuna baguette and slurping your Cup-a-Soup in there you’d think? Right? Apparently not.
I have mentioned before that CJ’s eating habits are a sight (and sound) to behold and she didn’t hold back on this occasion. She plonked herself next to me and started to unwrap the baguette and stir her soup while the people from IS looked on slightly bemused by it all. The meeting started and our visitor was asked to speak about what their company would be doing to bring our departments together to work in unity…..blah…blah….. Meanwhile CJ is chowing down rather noisily. I take my hat off to the lady doing her presentation, she didn’t let the gacking or rustling of baguette wrapper put her off, even though she seemed to be watching in some sick fascination as CJ had her lunch. You know when someone tries to make eye contact with everyone in a group when they are presenting? Well she tried but nine times out of ten her gaze would fall back on CJ and I can only imagine the masticated tuna and bread being chewed that she could see. Actually I don’t want to. There was also the odd slurp of the soup and clinking of the spoon as she stirred away to get those crunchy croutons to the top of the cup.
The lady presenting had a very thick Italian accent which was hard to follow at times and my train of thought began to wander. To be honest I was once again in a meeting I didn’t understand 65% of what was being said and there were so many distractions I switched off and my train of thought went else where. I mean the combo of the accent, jargon being used, gacking and slurping, the rustling and clinking and this Italian birds look of horror at the car crash of a meal going on before her was just a bit too much.
“So as you can sees, we iz definitely in a er…..”
Gack, gack, gack…..clink…slup…
“…a er position to be ‘aving ze opportunity to, er….to…”
Rustle….munch, gack…..
“….combine ze efforts of ze….tuna….er….of ze departments.”
Meanwhile I have a series of questions running round my cranium such as “What the hell is a KPI?” “I wonder if the other half of my panini will be warm after this meeting?” “Why am I in this meeting anyway?” “What flavour soup is that?” “This Italian chick looks quite tanned, wonder if she’s been on holiday?” “I must remember to buy loo roll later”. Actually that last one was a lie, I steal the toilet roll from the work toilets. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really. Actually I do. Well not always. Or ever. Maybe.
This may all not sound that weird to you but I suppose it’s a feeling in this place that can’t be summed up in words. I have only tried to demonstrate a couple of the events of the day that went towards the weirdness and populating my mind with too many thoughts. Too many to help me cope with the 3 million questions they ask you in Starbucks anyway when I went to get my panini. They probably thought English wasn’t my first language.
“Would you like that heated up?”
“Sorry?”
“Anything else I can get you?”
“What?”
“Is that to take away?”
“Who does what?”
“Any hot drinks for you with your order?”
“Que?”
I managed to walk out with what I went in for so I can only assume some other customer took pity and translated for me or Starbucks are trained in speaking to dazed and confused people on a daily basis. It was a tasty panin anyway.
I haven’t quite reached the glazed stage but I’m definitely contributing to solving some of the nation’s financial troubles with my potty mouth.
So the weirdness.
Kirstie had returned to work after a well earnt day off on the Monday. It was in theory her Flexi Friday but seeing as she had to work that and the Saturday Moon Monkey kindly offered for her to take it then. I was also her wedding anniversary (7 years) and so her and her hubby were out on the town celebrating. It seems that she isn’t even allowed this luxury as the proverbial poop had hit the fan while she’d been off. Jesus Titty Fecking Christ was she in a mood! Phoooweee! Worst I have yet to witness! The heat radiating off of her in that fit of rage could have toasted marshmallows and on two occasions she was threatening to just walk out. She even yelled at this poor sweet guy visiting from the Bangladesh office when he asked her to pick out a Crispy Crème donut from the pile he had brought in for his birthday.
“OK, fine. I have a donut now. OK?! Jesus.”
Stomp, stomp, stomp.
You enjoy that luv and try not to choke on the custard filling will you (easy)?! I was about to haul her up on shouting at someone for giving her a free donut but then thought better of it. She said nothing to me all day (very unusual, this woman is a loud Australian and as you know not one to be the shy retiring type) and so I chose to say nothing back. It was only at about 4.30pm I managed to get a little smile out of her and some calm words.
There was also a very last minute ‘stand down’ meeting called for each department. I accepted the invite as it had come from the Moon Man and seemed there was no option to not accept but had no idea what it was about. Then at 10am the whole company got up and went to their respective meetings. I think this is what they term as ‘stand down’ – I get it now….see I’m learning the corporate ways.
The meeting was concerning the company’s health and safety standards which have reached quite a low on the EHS Richter scale. Why does this warrant an entire company stand down? Good question? Well it’s going to be affecting bonuses as the H&S record is one of the many targets the company has to hit in order for people to get their just rewards at the end of the year. So of course it’s taken a priority and people have thrown down their pens and telephones and rushed to the meetings. Or is it because we are genuinely interested in the H&S of our employees? Hmmmm, such a cynic aren’t i?
The meeting dragged on for an hour but at least I had a seat – there were about 25 of us crammed in to a room designed to seat 9, surely a H&S issue in it’s own right?! What if there had been a fire? What if I had needed the lavatory? At least 15 people barred my way to the exit and I would have had to pee my pants right there in the middle of the power point presentation! We were told about the accidents that had occurred over the past year including a scolding from hot milk, a BBQ explosion resulting in 2nd degree burns and an amputated leg. Ouch. Nasty stuff. There was some talk of introducing ridiculous safety measures such as laws to abide by in the office including always holding the hand rail as you use the stairs and covers for all the coffee cups but that was quickly vetoed.
So out of one meeting and after a short while of restraining myself from stapling Moody’s face to his desk, into another giving me about 12 minutes to engulf my panini, crisps and Crispy Crème (which I didn’t shout at someone about). As the meeting was around lunch most people had grabbed something before hand or had their food to look forward to for afters, however CJ decided to combine the two and brought hers to the meeting. Now this wasn’t advertised as a ‘lunch meeting’, i.e. where lunch is provided or people BYO to chow down on. We also had a visiting speaker there so even more the reason to refrain from eating your tuna baguette and slurping your Cup-a-Soup in there you’d think? Right? Apparently not.
I have mentioned before that CJ’s eating habits are a sight (and sound) to behold and she didn’t hold back on this occasion. She plonked herself next to me and started to unwrap the baguette and stir her soup while the people from IS looked on slightly bemused by it all. The meeting started and our visitor was asked to speak about what their company would be doing to bring our departments together to work in unity…..blah…blah….. Meanwhile CJ is chowing down rather noisily. I take my hat off to the lady doing her presentation, she didn’t let the gacking or rustling of baguette wrapper put her off, even though she seemed to be watching in some sick fascination as CJ had her lunch. You know when someone tries to make eye contact with everyone in a group when they are presenting? Well she tried but nine times out of ten her gaze would fall back on CJ and I can only imagine the masticated tuna and bread being chewed that she could see. Actually I don’t want to. There was also the odd slurp of the soup and clinking of the spoon as she stirred away to get those crunchy croutons to the top of the cup.
The lady presenting had a very thick Italian accent which was hard to follow at times and my train of thought began to wander. To be honest I was once again in a meeting I didn’t understand 65% of what was being said and there were so many distractions I switched off and my train of thought went else where. I mean the combo of the accent, jargon being used, gacking and slurping, the rustling and clinking and this Italian birds look of horror at the car crash of a meal going on before her was just a bit too much.
“So as you can sees, we iz definitely in a er…..”
Gack, gack, gack…..clink…slup…
“…a er position to be ‘aving ze opportunity to, er….to…”
Rustle….munch, gack…..
“….combine ze efforts of ze….tuna….er….of ze departments.”
Meanwhile I have a series of questions running round my cranium such as “What the hell is a KPI?” “I wonder if the other half of my panini will be warm after this meeting?” “Why am I in this meeting anyway?” “What flavour soup is that?” “This Italian chick looks quite tanned, wonder if she’s been on holiday?” “I must remember to buy loo roll later”. Actually that last one was a lie, I steal the toilet roll from the work toilets. Actually that’s a lie, I don’t really. Actually I do. Well not always. Or ever. Maybe.
This may all not sound that weird to you but I suppose it’s a feeling in this place that can’t be summed up in words. I have only tried to demonstrate a couple of the events of the day that went towards the weirdness and populating my mind with too many thoughts. Too many to help me cope with the 3 million questions they ask you in Starbucks anyway when I went to get my panini. They probably thought English wasn’t my first language.
“Would you like that heated up?”
“Sorry?”
“Anything else I can get you?”
“What?”
“Is that to take away?”
“Who does what?”
“Any hot drinks for you with your order?”
“Que?”
I managed to walk out with what I went in for so I can only assume some other customer took pity and translated for me or Starbucks are trained in speaking to dazed and confused people on a daily basis. It was a tasty panin anyway.
Friday, 8 October 2010
I’ll have a number 4 please Bob
We are moving offices in January, no February, no maybe……well some time in the New Year anyway. This is due to the massively expanding (careful) departments in the company and we’re taking on 70+ new people. So we’re off to the far away lands of the building next door.
This will be my second move since I started here; the first occurred a couple of months after I started - over Christmas. That was also from the building next door (the other next door, we’re not moving back), where our department lived in the bowels of the building with hardly any natural light and on the quietest floor known to all human kind (you could hear a mouse fart at the other end in the kitchen). Yes even with Kirstie working there. Luckily we are moving to the 2nd floor of the new building in a corner so we will have natural light, how nice. No SAD in this office, no siree.
Anyhoo, why am I regaling you with all this crappy dull information I hear you cry? Who cares where you sit?! We don’t want to hear about the natural sunlight Nancy! Well, thank you for taking such an interest in my general well being and I do have a point.
The point is that with moving a company the size of this it requires a lot of planning, technicalities and money. Plus lots of burly men in matching t-shirts hoiking desks and chairs and cabinets about. Wheels seem to have been set into motion already and they are in the meantime trying to ram these 70 new people into the existing space we have here. Just over from where we sit is a space that up until now has had some empty desks in it. Today it has about 40 empty desks in it and we have dividers going up, phones going in, computers being installed and chairs being rolled about.
Chairs. Ah yes on the subject of chairs we had a little chair debate yesterday and I got to fill in a survey. A chair survey. Two of the girls from EHS were wheeling about 4 potential chairs for everyone in the building to try. These will be where we park our bottoms in our new home next door. They asked that we all give the chairs a go and then score them all on areas such as comfort, ease to adjust and appearance. As you do. This created a flurry of excitement in the office (we don’t get out much) and a small stampede for the chairs. They were labelled imaginatively enough 1-4 and we gave them a good testing. Harley got so over enthusiastic he almost broke one. I picked 4 as my favourite as did the majority of people. Kirstie however didn’t like 4 at all and went for 3, which the rest of us didn’t fancy. Has to be difficult doesn’t she?!
CJ wandered back from a meeting (or it could have been Starbucks) with Saffa and they were grabbed to take part. Saffa jumped on the nearest chair and started yanking at levers while CJ stood there cross armed saying “Really? Really? You want me to test out chairs?” in her most patronising tone, as though she’d been asked to don a hair net and serve fries at Wimpy’s. Just join in you arrogant, boring twonk. She liked 4 as well.
I texted my friend to say what was occurring in the office and commented that this place is weird sometimes….well most of the time and she replied with “Er, all the time.” She may have a point. Anyway, it was a slight reprieve from the whinging old men, at least while they are trying to break chairs they’re not moaning at me about something.
I asked why we would be getting new chairs in the new office and not taking the old ones with us. Gunner quite rightly pointed out it was because “this company likes to waste money” but was corrected by an EHS girl who said the chairs we currently sit in are “crap and bad for you” so we’re getting all new healthier chairs! Think about it though, these chairs must be about £100 a pop and there will be 3 full floors of people in the new building….that’s a lot of chairs and a lot of money. And what about the old chairs? I hope they get new homes. I have visions of a wasteland somewhere in Slough with these little grey orphaned office chairs wheeling about amongst the tumbleweed looking for a backside or a friendly hand to adjust the height….. My mind goes to strange places sometimes. You may have noticed.
Kirstie informed me today that the people moving into the space next to us are the people who currently sit behind us. Er why? Well their department is expanding so they want the old people with the new people (I’m not being ageist innit tho, I mean the newbies and the staffies). Fair enough but you’re moving the people behind us to next to us for……3 months? And seeing as I am reliably informed by my sources that it on average costs £150 per person to move a desk (Really? Blimey I’m in the wrong trade here) that’s a lot of money spent for the sake of 20 yards and 3 months. Can they not just get up and walk round the corner to compare notes? Or pick up the phone? Once again, this company just seems to like to waste money. Recession? What recession?
I’m looking forward to my new chair, it’s very adjustable and has a high back (I’m banking on chair number 4 here unless Kirstie swings the vote with her low scoring for all but number 3) and will be perfect for some light afternoon napping. Simple things, simple things….
This will be my second move since I started here; the first occurred a couple of months after I started - over Christmas. That was also from the building next door (the other next door, we’re not moving back), where our department lived in the bowels of the building with hardly any natural light and on the quietest floor known to all human kind (you could hear a mouse fart at the other end in the kitchen). Yes even with Kirstie working there. Luckily we are moving to the 2nd floor of the new building in a corner so we will have natural light, how nice. No SAD in this office, no siree.
Anyhoo, why am I regaling you with all this crappy dull information I hear you cry? Who cares where you sit?! We don’t want to hear about the natural sunlight Nancy! Well, thank you for taking such an interest in my general well being and I do have a point.
The point is that with moving a company the size of this it requires a lot of planning, technicalities and money. Plus lots of burly men in matching t-shirts hoiking desks and chairs and cabinets about. Wheels seem to have been set into motion already and they are in the meantime trying to ram these 70 new people into the existing space we have here. Just over from where we sit is a space that up until now has had some empty desks in it. Today it has about 40 empty desks in it and we have dividers going up, phones going in, computers being installed and chairs being rolled about.
Chairs. Ah yes on the subject of chairs we had a little chair debate yesterday and I got to fill in a survey. A chair survey. Two of the girls from EHS were wheeling about 4 potential chairs for everyone in the building to try. These will be where we park our bottoms in our new home next door. They asked that we all give the chairs a go and then score them all on areas such as comfort, ease to adjust and appearance. As you do. This created a flurry of excitement in the office (we don’t get out much) and a small stampede for the chairs. They were labelled imaginatively enough 1-4 and we gave them a good testing. Harley got so over enthusiastic he almost broke one. I picked 4 as my favourite as did the majority of people. Kirstie however didn’t like 4 at all and went for 3, which the rest of us didn’t fancy. Has to be difficult doesn’t she?!
CJ wandered back from a meeting (or it could have been Starbucks) with Saffa and they were grabbed to take part. Saffa jumped on the nearest chair and started yanking at levers while CJ stood there cross armed saying “Really? Really? You want me to test out chairs?” in her most patronising tone, as though she’d been asked to don a hair net and serve fries at Wimpy’s. Just join in you arrogant, boring twonk. She liked 4 as well.
I texted my friend to say what was occurring in the office and commented that this place is weird sometimes….well most of the time and she replied with “Er, all the time.” She may have a point. Anyway, it was a slight reprieve from the whinging old men, at least while they are trying to break chairs they’re not moaning at me about something.
I asked why we would be getting new chairs in the new office and not taking the old ones with us. Gunner quite rightly pointed out it was because “this company likes to waste money” but was corrected by an EHS girl who said the chairs we currently sit in are “crap and bad for you” so we’re getting all new healthier chairs! Think about it though, these chairs must be about £100 a pop and there will be 3 full floors of people in the new building….that’s a lot of chairs and a lot of money. And what about the old chairs? I hope they get new homes. I have visions of a wasteland somewhere in Slough with these little grey orphaned office chairs wheeling about amongst the tumbleweed looking for a backside or a friendly hand to adjust the height….. My mind goes to strange places sometimes. You may have noticed.
Kirstie informed me today that the people moving into the space next to us are the people who currently sit behind us. Er why? Well their department is expanding so they want the old people with the new people (I’m not being ageist innit tho, I mean the newbies and the staffies). Fair enough but you’re moving the people behind us to next to us for……3 months? And seeing as I am reliably informed by my sources that it on average costs £150 per person to move a desk (Really? Blimey I’m in the wrong trade here) that’s a lot of money spent for the sake of 20 yards and 3 months. Can they not just get up and walk round the corner to compare notes? Or pick up the phone? Once again, this company just seems to like to waste money. Recession? What recession?
I’m looking forward to my new chair, it’s very adjustable and has a high back (I’m banking on chair number 4 here unless Kirstie swings the vote with her low scoring for all but number 3) and will be perfect for some light afternoon napping. Simple things, simple things….
Thursday, 7 October 2010
Damn it man just approve the thing!!!
I just want them to leave me alone. Why can’t they all leave me alone? Just one day, even half a day, heck just an hour would be nice. Sigh.
Somehow, some way I have managed to become fairly adept (or should that be inept) at using this new system. I think it’s just through having to use the god damned thing every day and also with it being so flippin’ rubbish having to find out why things aren’t working, learning short cuts and how to actually use the thing. It appears those 2 ½ days of hell, also known as training were a bit of a waste of time for everyone as they didn’t cover the subject of “What to do when it all goes wrong/stops working”.
So I’m struggling along with my own shit, trying to at least get one contract out the door without some error message pinging up or Harley debating over what I have put into the system (JUST APPROVE IT BEFORE I KILL YOU!), which is bad enough. However, Moody seems to have cottoned on to the fact I seem to know what I am doing and so now I have become his personal IT help desk. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind showing people how to do something, running them through the steps to create a contract or whatever but when you have to do it again and again and again then I start to loose my patience.
This, along with the bitching and moaning about it all has created a small hit list for me. A couple of people in the office I wouldn’t mind seeing the back of, or say they didn’t turn up for work tomorrow or…ever, I wouldn’t be disappointed. The main culprits are:
Moody
Harley
I have probably spent 85% of my day helping/assisting/listening to/printing out for/pointing out the obvious to Moody. Earlier I had to take him through how to transfer some lines from a requisition on the system on to a call off he had created. It sounds about 100 times more complicated than it actually is. It’s literally 3 clicks on a mouse. The 1st time took about 10 minutes and then I had to stand there and talk him through it 2 more times. Exactly the same steps.
“So, where do I go now?” “And now what do I do?”
I stand behind him clenching my fists and raising my eyes to the ceiling. Stay calm, be calm.
Every time I actually sit down and do some work he’s at my shoulder with another question or a “can you do this…” It’s like having a child. I don’t have children but if I did I’m sure they would be able to work a computer system after being shown 3 times in a row – 1 time probably. They’d also be able to photocopy things for themselves, make decisions and not take up my time ranting about things that aren’t going to change however much they rant.
Earlier today I actually avoided going into a meeting with some guy from BT. “Oh you have the requisition for BT, well those prices are all wrong. I am meeting with BT today, you should come along.” “Why?” “Well because you are doing the order” Yes which is punching in whatever prices you end up giving me and frankly I have 3 billion other things to do today other than sit and listen to you waffle on at the BT guy. So come 1.30pm I hear him get a call from reception. I grab a piece of paper and wander off determinedly in the opposite direction. I spend 5 minutes sat on the loo trying to have a small nap, take a good look around the stationary cupboard (might need to stock up on condoms….) and when I return to my desk – success! Kirstie informs me he has gone into the meeting.
What kind of levels have I reached when I am trying to avoid this man by sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes?
Harley is annoying on a whole new level. We have an issue (which Gunner is keen to do something about) where anything we do through the new system has to be approved by Harley. So I finish something on there, send it over to him electronically then he checks it and either approves it or reviews it with some comment. You can guess that Mr Pedantic doesn’t just approve stuff very often. Actually he does fuck all most of the time. We all have piles and piles of requests building up in his inbox waiting to be approved. “Oh Nancy would you swing by and go through these with me?” “Why? They’re pretty self explanatory shit for brains, if the sums add up and you like what you see then approve!” But no, I have to go sit next to him and take him through everything I have pending.
Yesterday I actually started to lose the will to live in one of these ‘drop bys’. It was partly the system screwing up at every available opportunity but the man doesn’t really have the word ‘speedy’ in his dictionary to help things along. To start with he wasn’t at his desk for half the morning but every time he was on his way back would say “Oh Nancy would you swing by please?” I did but you weren’t there, I find it’s easier to do these things if you’re actually in the room Harley. So when I finally sit down his phone rings “oh I’ll just be a sec”. I sit there…………You know I do have other things to be getting on with, I don’t just sit with my thumb up my arse all day…..oh and he’s off the phone……and now some wanker has started talking to him…..and oh yes he’s joining in the conversation. At this point I get up to go back to my desk. “oh sorry Nancy, this won’t take long” I eventually slipped into a kind of day dream where I was staring at a calendar on the desk opposite which was set to December for some reason and wishing it was already Christmas. All the while swinging in the chair…..
….and we’re back in the room.
So the 1st one we do doesn’t go through – system error. Better report this to the help desk. I swear 50% of the current outstanding help desk tickets are from Harley. This itself is a painful process. The man has created an art form of slow one fingered typing. Searching the keyboard desperately for the next letter and misspelling most words which he then goes back and painfully re-types. By now I am wanting to cry. He questions EVERYTHING. I explain why these things are – he doesn’t seem happy – it’s just the way they are – why? – because it’s just the way it works – why? – BECAUSE IT JUST FUCKING IS HARLEY NOW JUST HIT THE APPROVE BUTTON!!
I was there for about 40 minutes in all to go through 5 or 6 things. A normal human being would have taken say 10 minutes tops.
People say to me “oh it’ll calm down, things will be settled in a few weeks” Really? You think? Because at the moment I see no light at the end of the tunnel! This place just got even more nuts.
One of the old men came up and asked if he could send me a spreadsheet of Vendors for the database. I told him sure but it probably wouldn’t get looked at for a few months. He laughed and then saw my expression and realised I wasn’t joking. “Oh, er, ok maybe I’ll leave it for mow”
Yeah maybe you should.
Somehow, some way I have managed to become fairly adept (or should that be inept) at using this new system. I think it’s just through having to use the god damned thing every day and also with it being so flippin’ rubbish having to find out why things aren’t working, learning short cuts and how to actually use the thing. It appears those 2 ½ days of hell, also known as training were a bit of a waste of time for everyone as they didn’t cover the subject of “What to do when it all goes wrong/stops working”.
So I’m struggling along with my own shit, trying to at least get one contract out the door without some error message pinging up or Harley debating over what I have put into the system (JUST APPROVE IT BEFORE I KILL YOU!), which is bad enough. However, Moody seems to have cottoned on to the fact I seem to know what I am doing and so now I have become his personal IT help desk. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind showing people how to do something, running them through the steps to create a contract or whatever but when you have to do it again and again and again then I start to loose my patience.
This, along with the bitching and moaning about it all has created a small hit list for me. A couple of people in the office I wouldn’t mind seeing the back of, or say they didn’t turn up for work tomorrow or…ever, I wouldn’t be disappointed. The main culprits are:
Moody
Harley
I have probably spent 85% of my day helping/assisting/listening to/printing out for/pointing out the obvious to Moody. Earlier I had to take him through how to transfer some lines from a requisition on the system on to a call off he had created. It sounds about 100 times more complicated than it actually is. It’s literally 3 clicks on a mouse. The 1st time took about 10 minutes and then I had to stand there and talk him through it 2 more times. Exactly the same steps.
“So, where do I go now?” “And now what do I do?”
I stand behind him clenching my fists and raising my eyes to the ceiling. Stay calm, be calm.
Every time I actually sit down and do some work he’s at my shoulder with another question or a “can you do this…” It’s like having a child. I don’t have children but if I did I’m sure they would be able to work a computer system after being shown 3 times in a row – 1 time probably. They’d also be able to photocopy things for themselves, make decisions and not take up my time ranting about things that aren’t going to change however much they rant.
Earlier today I actually avoided going into a meeting with some guy from BT. “Oh you have the requisition for BT, well those prices are all wrong. I am meeting with BT today, you should come along.” “Why?” “Well because you are doing the order” Yes which is punching in whatever prices you end up giving me and frankly I have 3 billion other things to do today other than sit and listen to you waffle on at the BT guy. So come 1.30pm I hear him get a call from reception. I grab a piece of paper and wander off determinedly in the opposite direction. I spend 5 minutes sat on the loo trying to have a small nap, take a good look around the stationary cupboard (might need to stock up on condoms….) and when I return to my desk – success! Kirstie informs me he has gone into the meeting.
What kind of levels have I reached when I am trying to avoid this man by sitting on the toilet for 5 minutes?
Harley is annoying on a whole new level. We have an issue (which Gunner is keen to do something about) where anything we do through the new system has to be approved by Harley. So I finish something on there, send it over to him electronically then he checks it and either approves it or reviews it with some comment. You can guess that Mr Pedantic doesn’t just approve stuff very often. Actually he does fuck all most of the time. We all have piles and piles of requests building up in his inbox waiting to be approved. “Oh Nancy would you swing by and go through these with me?” “Why? They’re pretty self explanatory shit for brains, if the sums add up and you like what you see then approve!” But no, I have to go sit next to him and take him through everything I have pending.
Yesterday I actually started to lose the will to live in one of these ‘drop bys’. It was partly the system screwing up at every available opportunity but the man doesn’t really have the word ‘speedy’ in his dictionary to help things along. To start with he wasn’t at his desk for half the morning but every time he was on his way back would say “Oh Nancy would you swing by please?” I did but you weren’t there, I find it’s easier to do these things if you’re actually in the room Harley. So when I finally sit down his phone rings “oh I’ll just be a sec”. I sit there…………You know I do have other things to be getting on with, I don’t just sit with my thumb up my arse all day…..oh and he’s off the phone……and now some wanker has started talking to him…..and oh yes he’s joining in the conversation. At this point I get up to go back to my desk. “oh sorry Nancy, this won’t take long” I eventually slipped into a kind of day dream where I was staring at a calendar on the desk opposite which was set to December for some reason and wishing it was already Christmas. All the while swinging in the chair…..
….and we’re back in the room.
So the 1st one we do doesn’t go through – system error. Better report this to the help desk. I swear 50% of the current outstanding help desk tickets are from Harley. This itself is a painful process. The man has created an art form of slow one fingered typing. Searching the keyboard desperately for the next letter and misspelling most words which he then goes back and painfully re-types. By now I am wanting to cry. He questions EVERYTHING. I explain why these things are – he doesn’t seem happy – it’s just the way they are – why? – because it’s just the way it works – why? – BECAUSE IT JUST FUCKING IS HARLEY NOW JUST HIT THE APPROVE BUTTON!!
I was there for about 40 minutes in all to go through 5 or 6 things. A normal human being would have taken say 10 minutes tops.
People say to me “oh it’ll calm down, things will be settled in a few weeks” Really? You think? Because at the moment I see no light at the end of the tunnel! This place just got even more nuts.
One of the old men came up and asked if he could send me a spreadsheet of Vendors for the database. I told him sure but it probably wouldn’t get looked at for a few months. He laughed and then saw my expression and realised I wasn’t joking. “Oh, er, ok maybe I’ll leave it for mow”
Yeah maybe you should.
Wednesday, 6 October 2010
Will to live….losing it…
AGGGHHHHHHH NEW SYSTEM!! AGGGGHHHHH STUPID PEOPLE!! AAAGGGGHHHH GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!! AAAGGGGGHHHH TOO MUCH TO DO AND IT’S 16:52 ALREADY!!! AAGGGGHHHHH WORK RAGE AT OPTIMUM LEVELS!! AAAGGGGHHHH NO TIME TO BLOG!! AAAGGGHHHHH NO TIME TO VISIT LAVATORY!! AAAGGGGHHH HOPE TO RECTIFY THIS SOON (especially the lavatory one…)!!
Will try and blog by the end of the week but can make no promises. At least you know I have a full tank of rant at the ready and it should prove to be fairly amusing and worth the wait.
Please take comfort in the fact I have not abandoned you. Slight glitch in the proceedings and we hope to resume normal service once again soon (please god, please…).
AAAGGGHHHHH!
Will try and blog by the end of the week but can make no promises. At least you know I have a full tank of rant at the ready and it should prove to be fairly amusing and worth the wait.
Please take comfort in the fact I have not abandoned you. Slight glitch in the proceedings and we hope to resume normal service once again soon (please god, please…).
AAAGGGHHHHH!
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Do you love him?
It seems that the weird religious junk mail I got from Mr. Isibor wasn’t a mistake or one off – there’s more. This time with many pictures to accompany it. I wish I could copy and paste it all in here but that doesn’t work so I’ve done my best to recreate it in all its glory. Please imagine many different colored and styled fonts, moving pictures, lovely backgrounds…..a work of art in freaky emails.
When God is about to reposition your life know that the devil will begin to attack!
Read to the bottom - watch the water!
If I don't get this back, I will know you really didn't read it. I got this from someone and thought the last part was really a good thought....
Too bad that the person who sent it to me did not know 10 people who would admit to knowing the Lord.
Do you love him?
This is a simple test…
IF YOU LOVE JESUS, SEND THIS TO AT LEAST 10 PEOPLE INCLUDINGTHE PERSON WHO SENT IT TO YOU!
The Poem
I knelt to pray but not for long,
I had too much to do.
I had to hurry and get to work
For bills would soon be due.
So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,
And jumped up off my knees...
My Christian duty was now done
My soul could rest at ease......
All day long I had no time
To spread a word of cheer
No time to speak of Christ to friends,
They'd laugh at me I'd fear..
No time, no time, too much to do,
That was my constant cry,
No time to give to souls in need But at last the time, the time to die
I went before the Lord,
I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;
It was the book of life.
God looked into his book and said
'Your name I cannot find
I once was going to write it down...But never found the time'
Now do you have the time to pass it on?
If you look at what you do not have in life, you don't have anything,If you look at what you have in life, you have everything.
Thomas Kinkade Paintings (hope the water is moving!!)
READ THE FIRST LINE CAREFULLY.....
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Happy moments, praise God.
Difficult moments, seek God.
Quiet moments, worship God.
Painful moments, trust God.
Every moment, thank God.
This is a Thomas Kinkade painting. It's rumoured to carry a miracle!The water is supposed to be running, so if it's not moving then the picture didn't come through entirely.
They say if you pass this on, you will receive a miracle.
"...Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the staircase."(Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.)
Regards
MR. ISIBOR
CHIEF CONSULTANT
Pretty amazing stuff eh? I’m loving the art work – although this one seems less threatening until the last. He’s upping his game on the tack-factor though so I wait in anticipation for the next instalment…
Monday, 27 September 2010
One way ticket to Freakdom
I am not happy. For the past 3 weeks or so work has been ridiculously busy. So much so that I actually have things to do on a daily basis, things that require me to work through my lunch break stay late and do more than one task at once. What’s that all about?!
OK so maybe I don’t mind the fact that I am, for once, being required to use my brain cells and that the day goes by very quickly now (bit too quick if you ask me) and I actually have a feeling of self-worth in my role. However, all of this work has been encroaching and disrupting my ‘normal’ work day activities. And this will just not do. When do I have a chance to email my friends? I’ve only been able to hop on to FaceCrap twice today! How about the flights I need to book, the shopping I need to order on line and of course the all important blogging I am required to do??
Talk about conflicting priorities.
You’ve probably noticed a decline in the regularity of the blog in recent weeks and this is the main cause. The day runs away with me and I find myself with 20 minutes to spare and under a lot of pressure to be funny, entertaining and informative in a short space of time. Maybe this improves the quality of my blogs? I’m guessing it’s probably the opposite though…..I’m sorry.
I partly created this blog because I was so bored at work and thought I could fill my time with something more constructive. I achieved this goal and so ‘Resemblance to real persons….” was created and on a roll. Now some toss pot Moon Monkey has decided we need to upgrade our systems and its bye bye blog and hello days of stress, frustration and an increasing tendency to talk to myself. My rantings have got Kirstie all worried about me, to the point that this morning while I was swearing at my computer screen for the 5th time since 8am (yes you did read that correctly, in at 8am every day – WTF?!) she wheeled herself over to me, put her hands on my shoulders and asked me to step away from my desk for 30 seconds and take a deep breath. I looked at her with tears in my eyes, a colleague on the edge, falling into the brink of insanity to join the hobbits and elves and monkeys made of moon.
“I’m worried Nancy, you’re starting to talk to yourself more than Moody does!”
JTFC. What is happening to me? They’ve finally broken me! The freaks are on to me, they’re rising up with their wooden spoons and crossbows to take me down and they will not stop until I am clad in a hand woven tabard, listening to panpipe sounds of the ocean and having a running conversation with my Outlook application.
Must keep one foot firmly in reality. I can’t let them win. Luckily I have Kirstie on hand to slap me about a bit if it gets too much but she won’t always be sat there, she has to take toilet breaks and go to meetings and even annual leave!!
I knew the fact that I welcomed Frodo and Bilbo Baggin’s birthday celebrations with open arms and excited anticipation was a bad sign.
OK so maybe I don’t mind the fact that I am, for once, being required to use my brain cells and that the day goes by very quickly now (bit too quick if you ask me) and I actually have a feeling of self-worth in my role. However, all of this work has been encroaching and disrupting my ‘normal’ work day activities. And this will just not do. When do I have a chance to email my friends? I’ve only been able to hop on to FaceCrap twice today! How about the flights I need to book, the shopping I need to order on line and of course the all important blogging I am required to do??
Talk about conflicting priorities.
You’ve probably noticed a decline in the regularity of the blog in recent weeks and this is the main cause. The day runs away with me and I find myself with 20 minutes to spare and under a lot of pressure to be funny, entertaining and informative in a short space of time. Maybe this improves the quality of my blogs? I’m guessing it’s probably the opposite though…..I’m sorry.
I partly created this blog because I was so bored at work and thought I could fill my time with something more constructive. I achieved this goal and so ‘Resemblance to real persons….” was created and on a roll. Now some toss pot Moon Monkey has decided we need to upgrade our systems and its bye bye blog and hello days of stress, frustration and an increasing tendency to talk to myself. My rantings have got Kirstie all worried about me, to the point that this morning while I was swearing at my computer screen for the 5th time since 8am (yes you did read that correctly, in at 8am every day – WTF?!) she wheeled herself over to me, put her hands on my shoulders and asked me to step away from my desk for 30 seconds and take a deep breath. I looked at her with tears in my eyes, a colleague on the edge, falling into the brink of insanity to join the hobbits and elves and monkeys made of moon.
“I’m worried Nancy, you’re starting to talk to yourself more than Moody does!”
JTFC. What is happening to me? They’ve finally broken me! The freaks are on to me, they’re rising up with their wooden spoons and crossbows to take me down and they will not stop until I am clad in a hand woven tabard, listening to panpipe sounds of the ocean and having a running conversation with my Outlook application.
Must keep one foot firmly in reality. I can’t let them win. Luckily I have Kirstie on hand to slap me about a bit if it gets too much but she won’t always be sat there, she has to take toilet breaks and go to meetings and even annual leave!!
I knew the fact that I welcomed Frodo and Bilbo Baggin’s birthday celebrations with open arms and excited anticipation was a bad sign.
Wednesday, 22 September 2010
Fat Hobbitses
Greetings from the Shire!
I’m finding it hard to focus at the moment, pieces of bakewell tart, pasties and strange looking stews keep swimming past my vision. I am full. I am possibly beyond full. And me saying that means I really am full – not even room for a wafer thin mint. I am also incredibly sleepy as my digestive system fights to work the lard and pastry through my system while I try and talk to people in meetings. It’s not easy working with a Lord of the Rings obsessed colleague.
So far we have done courses 1, 2 and 3 of the Long Expected Party and course 3 was a 3 course lunch so I guess that makes 6 technically. I have just been given course number 4 (7) which is a slab of St Clements Cake and as nice as it looks and smells I just can’t bring myself to eat any more. Might have to wrap it up and take it home, I couldn’t bin it as that would be a crying shame and a bit of an insult. Plus the majority of course 2 is currently sat in my waste bin (hidden under my desk….I hope she doesn’t do an inspection later!) so I feel bad enough about that already.
This morning at 9.30am we all received an email with an attached menu of the day:
Dear All,
Wednesday, 22nd September is the anniversary of Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday. There is a tradition among Tolkien fans to hold a day of celebration when we eat like Hobbits.
The day’s menu is attached, and Second Breakfast will be served shortly.
Eglantine Proudfoot of Brocklehurst
If you’re wondering Eglantine is Andre. Obviousily.
Second Breakfast consisted of pancakes. I remember these from last year and I wasn’t impressed. You’re probably thinking either large traditional Shrove Tuesday pancakes or possibly those fluffy thick ones you get in the U S of A for breakfast? Nope. Think small, solid and quite black all over. Served with a slab of butter. I’m not over exaggerating about the butter either, Andre said she went through 6 bars of the stuff cooking up this feast! Even thinking about it makes my arteries groan. So the pancakes weren’t any better but the slab of butter made them more agreeable.
Next up on the menu at about 11am was Elevenses in the form of “Precious Cake” and I quote “Still ounce for ounce more expensive than gold, this traditional cake is flavoured with Saffron”. Not a winner for me, I won’t be fighting off any hobbits or turning into a whispering goblin creature to get my hands on another slice. In fact I had to dispose of it after one bite. Not in front of Andre of course! “Mmmm, yes it’s lovely Andre!”……as soon as her back is turned spits mouthful into napkin.
I was of course invited to the lunch and I bought bread rolls as my addition to the feast (only 2 got eaten, they were a bit superfluous to requirements but I was only doing what was asked). Luckily it’s not pissing it down out there so we managed to find a Party Tree at lunch time and chow down.
See how easily I accept all this madness now? Worrying isn’t it?
We used the same spot as last year (chosen by Kirstie and I as it is the most secluded in the business park and off the beaten track) and the table cloth was laid, the food put out, wine poured and tunes blasting. Oh yes, we have the LoTR soundtrack to listen to while we eat – Andre sang along to some of it which was nice. Socks and shoes have to come off which is mandatory and all fine and dandy until you’re sat on a picnic rug full of food with people’s toes wriggling in very close proximity to the salad.
Lunch was the following:
Great Pasty – Pasties were amongst the provisions given to Sam and Frodo by Faramir. “Great” pies were made from the same meats as were served at a traditional Christmas feast. (It was pretty ‘great’, tasty pastry and nice filling.)
Herbs and Stewed Rabbit – Gollum caught two rabbits for the Hobbits to eat, which Sam cooked with herbs. This is an Anglo-Saxon recipe of a kind similar to the Rohirrim. (Not bad, had lentils in it and was a bit bland but hey hobbits can’t be fussy when free food is being handed out.)
Mushrooms – However unadventurous they account themselves, most Hobbits will run risks for their favourite foods. (The only mushrooms I came across were in the Rabbit Stew so I assume this is what she’s referring to.)
Onion Tart (no explanation for this but it was in fact the most tasty part of the main meal, I had seconds on this one – in hindsight possibly a mistake).
Bakewell Tart – from a traditional recipe by guest chef Caylith Singollo (also known as Kirstie – it was really good and I’m not normally a fan of a Bakewell but the girl done good. She said she stuck to the recipe that Andre gave her but replaced the lard with butter and this was a good choice. Lard? Who cooks with lard?)
The lunch was accompanied by some New Zealand wine which I quaffed as much as possible of (hard day at the office dear) and some lemonade. Everyone except Andre had wine.
I’ve just been served up with Afternoon Tea which is the St Clements Cake and looks and smells amazing but I am unable to eat any more. That lemon and orange cake SHALL NOT PASS my lips right now. You could hear the trolley coming and my heart sank and my stomached groaned. As I looked up an email from Ginger popped into my inbox titled “Oh S**t!” and said “I can hear that trolley again, Im going to exploded………………” I’m with you sister, I think I’m in physical pain right now.
The final course is for The Road Home and obviously lambas bread. For those of you who aren’t as familiar with Tolkien’s writings this is a hard, hard….hard bread that the hobbits used on their travels. Think shortbread mixed with concrete. I have that to look forward to at 5.30pm.
I think I’d better have a kip, or go for a run and work some of this butter off. Until next years celebrations my hobbit friends.
I’m finding it hard to focus at the moment, pieces of bakewell tart, pasties and strange looking stews keep swimming past my vision. I am full. I am possibly beyond full. And me saying that means I really am full – not even room for a wafer thin mint. I am also incredibly sleepy as my digestive system fights to work the lard and pastry through my system while I try and talk to people in meetings. It’s not easy working with a Lord of the Rings obsessed colleague.
So far we have done courses 1, 2 and 3 of the Long Expected Party and course 3 was a 3 course lunch so I guess that makes 6 technically. I have just been given course number 4 (7) which is a slab of St Clements Cake and as nice as it looks and smells I just can’t bring myself to eat any more. Might have to wrap it up and take it home, I couldn’t bin it as that would be a crying shame and a bit of an insult. Plus the majority of course 2 is currently sat in my waste bin (hidden under my desk….I hope she doesn’t do an inspection later!) so I feel bad enough about that already.
This morning at 9.30am we all received an email with an attached menu of the day:
Dear All,
Wednesday, 22nd September is the anniversary of Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday. There is a tradition among Tolkien fans to hold a day of celebration when we eat like Hobbits.
The day’s menu is attached, and Second Breakfast will be served shortly.
Eglantine Proudfoot of Brocklehurst
If you’re wondering Eglantine is Andre. Obviousily.
Second Breakfast consisted of pancakes. I remember these from last year and I wasn’t impressed. You’re probably thinking either large traditional Shrove Tuesday pancakes or possibly those fluffy thick ones you get in the U S of A for breakfast? Nope. Think small, solid and quite black all over. Served with a slab of butter. I’m not over exaggerating about the butter either, Andre said she went through 6 bars of the stuff cooking up this feast! Even thinking about it makes my arteries groan. So the pancakes weren’t any better but the slab of butter made them more agreeable.
Next up on the menu at about 11am was Elevenses in the form of “Precious Cake” and I quote “Still ounce for ounce more expensive than gold, this traditional cake is flavoured with Saffron”. Not a winner for me, I won’t be fighting off any hobbits or turning into a whispering goblin creature to get my hands on another slice. In fact I had to dispose of it after one bite. Not in front of Andre of course! “Mmmm, yes it’s lovely Andre!”……as soon as her back is turned spits mouthful into napkin.
I was of course invited to the lunch and I bought bread rolls as my addition to the feast (only 2 got eaten, they were a bit superfluous to requirements but I was only doing what was asked). Luckily it’s not pissing it down out there so we managed to find a Party Tree at lunch time and chow down.
See how easily I accept all this madness now? Worrying isn’t it?
We used the same spot as last year (chosen by Kirstie and I as it is the most secluded in the business park and off the beaten track) and the table cloth was laid, the food put out, wine poured and tunes blasting. Oh yes, we have the LoTR soundtrack to listen to while we eat – Andre sang along to some of it which was nice. Socks and shoes have to come off which is mandatory and all fine and dandy until you’re sat on a picnic rug full of food with people’s toes wriggling in very close proximity to the salad.
Lunch was the following:
Great Pasty – Pasties were amongst the provisions given to Sam and Frodo by Faramir. “Great” pies were made from the same meats as were served at a traditional Christmas feast. (It was pretty ‘great’, tasty pastry and nice filling.)
Herbs and Stewed Rabbit – Gollum caught two rabbits for the Hobbits to eat, which Sam cooked with herbs. This is an Anglo-Saxon recipe of a kind similar to the Rohirrim. (Not bad, had lentils in it and was a bit bland but hey hobbits can’t be fussy when free food is being handed out.)
Mushrooms – However unadventurous they account themselves, most Hobbits will run risks for their favourite foods. (The only mushrooms I came across were in the Rabbit Stew so I assume this is what she’s referring to.)
Onion Tart (no explanation for this but it was in fact the most tasty part of the main meal, I had seconds on this one – in hindsight possibly a mistake).
Bakewell Tart – from a traditional recipe by guest chef Caylith Singollo (also known as Kirstie – it was really good and I’m not normally a fan of a Bakewell but the girl done good. She said she stuck to the recipe that Andre gave her but replaced the lard with butter and this was a good choice. Lard? Who cooks with lard?)
The lunch was accompanied by some New Zealand wine which I quaffed as much as possible of (hard day at the office dear) and some lemonade. Everyone except Andre had wine.
I’ve just been served up with Afternoon Tea which is the St Clements Cake and looks and smells amazing but I am unable to eat any more. That lemon and orange cake SHALL NOT PASS my lips right now. You could hear the trolley coming and my heart sank and my stomached groaned. As I looked up an email from Ginger popped into my inbox titled “Oh S**t!” and said “I can hear that trolley again, Im going to exploded………………” I’m with you sister, I think I’m in physical pain right now.
The final course is for The Road Home and obviously lambas bread. For those of you who aren’t as familiar with Tolkien’s writings this is a hard, hard….hard bread that the hobbits used on their travels. Think shortbread mixed with concrete. I have that to look forward to at 5.30pm.
I think I’d better have a kip, or go for a run and work some of this butter off. Until next years celebrations my hobbit friends.
Monday, 20 September 2010
We eat like Hobbits
It’s that time of year again!! That important event that should be in all of your calendars!! That’s right people it’s Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday!
My, my these things come around quickly. It only seems like a few months back I was sat under the Party Tree eating a feast with my shoes off and trying to ignore the stares from passers by in the business park. But here we are, the week of the 22nd September and it’s time to start fasting in anticipation of the 7 courses that I shall be consuming on Wednesday.
Some of you may be wondering if I have lost my mind finally, the years of work here have got to me and I’ve joined the freaks and gone crackpot. Nope, I’m simply embracing the craziness….and stuffing my face.
Every year Andre celebrates this wondrous occasion and today I returned to find this in my inbox:
Dear All,
Wednesday, 22nd September is the anniversary of Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday. There is a tradition among Tolkien fans to hold a day of celebration where we eat like Hobbits.
I shall be distributing nibbles to the department throughout the day, but lunch, which is created from a selection of recipes from before 1850, is a special feast and the numbers have to be limited for logistical reasons.
You are cordially invited to a picnic lunch under the Party Tree celebrating the Long-Expected Party on 22nd September 2010.
Please mail me if you have anyone you would particularly like invited to the picnic – we don’t want to go over 10 people.
Anyone volunteers to bring extras for the picnic – wine, bread, salads etc, would be gratefully accepted.
Hobbit costume optional
Bare Feet essential (and the hairier the better!)
RSVP
Best regards,
Andre
I have volunteered to take bread. I’m quite looking forward to it, although some of the ‘nibbles’ were a bit dubious last year. The main picnic was pretty damn good though so I’ll have my hair feet out and my napkin tucked into my shirt for that part! As you can see it’s an exclusive invite for the picnic part and I have been lucky enough to get on the guest list 2 years running now – not quite sure what I did to warrant this invite but I’m not complaining this time.
If I am able to type you’ll get a full run down of the day’s menu and activities, if I am unable to due to unconsciousness through over eating you’ll get it Thursday.
To the Shire!!
My, my these things come around quickly. It only seems like a few months back I was sat under the Party Tree eating a feast with my shoes off and trying to ignore the stares from passers by in the business park. But here we are, the week of the 22nd September and it’s time to start fasting in anticipation of the 7 courses that I shall be consuming on Wednesday.
Some of you may be wondering if I have lost my mind finally, the years of work here have got to me and I’ve joined the freaks and gone crackpot. Nope, I’m simply embracing the craziness….and stuffing my face.
Every year Andre celebrates this wondrous occasion and today I returned to find this in my inbox:
Dear All,
Wednesday, 22nd September is the anniversary of Bilbo & Frodo’s Baggins’ joint birthday. There is a tradition among Tolkien fans to hold a day of celebration where we eat like Hobbits.
I shall be distributing nibbles to the department throughout the day, but lunch, which is created from a selection of recipes from before 1850, is a special feast and the numbers have to be limited for logistical reasons.
You are cordially invited to a picnic lunch under the Party Tree celebrating the Long-Expected Party on 22nd September 2010.
Please mail me if you have anyone you would particularly like invited to the picnic – we don’t want to go over 10 people.
Anyone volunteers to bring extras for the picnic – wine, bread, salads etc, would be gratefully accepted.
Hobbit costume optional
Bare Feet essential (and the hairier the better!)
RSVP
Best regards,
Andre
I have volunteered to take bread. I’m quite looking forward to it, although some of the ‘nibbles’ were a bit dubious last year. The main picnic was pretty damn good though so I’ll have my hair feet out and my napkin tucked into my shirt for that part! As you can see it’s an exclusive invite for the picnic part and I have been lucky enough to get on the guest list 2 years running now – not quite sure what I did to warrant this invite but I’m not complaining this time.
If I am able to type you’ll get a full run down of the day’s menu and activities, if I am unable to due to unconsciousness through over eating you’ll get it Thursday.
To the Shire!!
Thursday, 16 September 2010
More inputting? Oh yes please!
Why is it always the way that the day before you’re due to go on holiday the proverbial shat hits the fan? So far I’ve been given a shed load of new database stuff to do for NOW and of course won’t be in tomorrow to finish it off. Typical. I want to spend the day mulling over where I want to sit on the plane, what I should pack tonight, and what tourist attraction to visit first. Not if Bumface Ltd are on the system or what T3 code Titwank Industries might need. Bastards.
It also appears that I have been given the wonderful task of adding all the missing companies on to the new system. The numptys that missed out uploading a bunch of contracts before we went live have now had some invoices come to bite them on the arse. Can’t pay an invoice without an order in the system, thems the new rules. Oh no, what are we going to do now?! I know, lets get Nancy to go through all of these missing companies and painstakingly input them!! Grand idea! She likes a bit of inputting does Nancy (careful)! Hang on, where’s she going? Nancy? Nancy – why are you opening that fire escape door 4 floors up? Do you need a bit of fresh air? You’re very close to the edge there….Nancy?.......Oh dear.
Don’t worry I’m still here! I wouldn’t top meself over something as banal as this feckin’ system. Well not yet, its early days, ask me again in a couple of weeks. Actually I think I am totally getting’ down with this new database, I’ve actually found myself giving people advice and help on it today and managed to source those T3 codes, get some PO’s off for signature and even link up things with the old system! I. Am. On. Fire! Go me! Go team Nancy! That’s the way I roll. Give me an ‘N’…..give me a….
Ahem.
Sorry, think the approaching holiday and dwindling hours of my working day are making me delirious.
So all might not be as bad as it seems. People are of course still slagging it all off, saying its not as good as what we had before, why did we have to change, picking holes in it etc. But of course people generally don’t like change do they? It creeps up and then BAM it’s there and it’s not what you’re used to and everything’s moved and you’re learning new things. Scary shiz. But today I have seen a small glint of light at the end of the tunnel for the new database, you never know it might actually make part of my job enjoyable?!
Well, lets not get ahead of ourselves shall we?
I shall return next week donning a Kiss Me Quick Hat, laden down with strange foreign sweets and a t-shirt tan. Until then.
It also appears that I have been given the wonderful task of adding all the missing companies on to the new system. The numptys that missed out uploading a bunch of contracts before we went live have now had some invoices come to bite them on the arse. Can’t pay an invoice without an order in the system, thems the new rules. Oh no, what are we going to do now?! I know, lets get Nancy to go through all of these missing companies and painstakingly input them!! Grand idea! She likes a bit of inputting does Nancy (careful)! Hang on, where’s she going? Nancy? Nancy – why are you opening that fire escape door 4 floors up? Do you need a bit of fresh air? You’re very close to the edge there….Nancy?.......Oh dear.
Don’t worry I’m still here! I wouldn’t top meself over something as banal as this feckin’ system. Well not yet, its early days, ask me again in a couple of weeks. Actually I think I am totally getting’ down with this new database, I’ve actually found myself giving people advice and help on it today and managed to source those T3 codes, get some PO’s off for signature and even link up things with the old system! I. Am. On. Fire! Go me! Go team Nancy! That’s the way I roll. Give me an ‘N’…..give me a….
Ahem.
Sorry, think the approaching holiday and dwindling hours of my working day are making me delirious.
So all might not be as bad as it seems. People are of course still slagging it all off, saying its not as good as what we had before, why did we have to change, picking holes in it etc. But of course people generally don’t like change do they? It creeps up and then BAM it’s there and it’s not what you’re used to and everything’s moved and you’re learning new things. Scary shiz. But today I have seen a small glint of light at the end of the tunnel for the new database, you never know it might actually make part of my job enjoyable?!
Well, lets not get ahead of ourselves shall we?
I shall return next week donning a Kiss Me Quick Hat, laden down with strange foreign sweets and a t-shirt tan. Until then.
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Can….not….compute….
My brain is threatening to explode all over my computer monitor, desk and fellow colleagues. The new database finally went live yesterday and today we got our passwords. It has not been a carefree and easy day, there have been issues and shouting and swearing and hissy fits and quite harangued members of IT trying to hide in dark places so we don’t hunt them down.
Firstly no one knows what they are doing. I am a prime example of this. My 2 ½ days training way back when have been forgotten (although all I did was listen to that northern wanker moan and whine and bitch for the entire time), the refresher course was baffling and now I am faced with a new screen of information I have no idea what to do with. Harley is busy allocating requisitions to people so I have three sat in my ‘inbox’. So I click on one but there is no vendor information in it. Eh? No name, address, contact details. Gunner informs me that they should have checked the vendor list on the database (which has nothing to do with me as we know that my database is now defunct) and if they weren’t there they should have completed a New Supplier Form. Thing is people don’t realise this is what they have to do because no one has told them. Huzzah.
So what now Gunner? Well you need to tell Harley to tell them to fill out a New Supplier Form, then they send that to the help desk who send it on to finance who put a code on it and send it back to Gunner. Then he puts the information on the system and THEN I can go ahead and use the requisition to make a PO.
You following me so far?
So that could take days? Weeks? Months even? Quite possibly. So Harley is freaking out because suddenly he has ‘responsibility’ and ‘work’ to do, all these requisitions piling up in his inbox, if they don’t get sorted he gets shouted at. He thinks I should draft up a PO anyway and save it on the new system (the new other system – oh yes there is more than one). But I can’t because I don’t have a PO number (I have 2 other numbers which are apparently requisition numbers – and the need for 2 is why? – but not a PO number which is an entirely different matter….apparently) I also can’t create the PO on this database which will in turn create a folder on the other system which I could put any documents into. Hmmmm, well save it on the old system and then move it on to the new system when you can? Er no. Why? Because that will make it even more monumentally fucking complicated that it already is!!! He insists so I say ok and when he walks off me and Gunner agree not to do anything.
But hang on says Moody, I created a PO this morning without any vendor information why can’t you? Good point, lets try. But wait I don’t have the same options as you on my screen, where is the PO button…..?? What’s that? I’m not set up to have the right access rights to do this? And I have to email the help desk who will open up a new call and then think about giving me access rights but might have to ask Harley for permission to do this and then……
………head explodes over computer monitor, desk and fellow colleagues.
So now I am sat here, unable to do anything. Ah the joy of new technology. Don’t worry I won’t lose any sleep over it tonight.
Firstly no one knows what they are doing. I am a prime example of this. My 2 ½ days training way back when have been forgotten (although all I did was listen to that northern wanker moan and whine and bitch for the entire time), the refresher course was baffling and now I am faced with a new screen of information I have no idea what to do with. Harley is busy allocating requisitions to people so I have three sat in my ‘inbox’. So I click on one but there is no vendor information in it. Eh? No name, address, contact details. Gunner informs me that they should have checked the vendor list on the database (which has nothing to do with me as we know that my database is now defunct) and if they weren’t there they should have completed a New Supplier Form. Thing is people don’t realise this is what they have to do because no one has told them. Huzzah.
So what now Gunner? Well you need to tell Harley to tell them to fill out a New Supplier Form, then they send that to the help desk who send it on to finance who put a code on it and send it back to Gunner. Then he puts the information on the system and THEN I can go ahead and use the requisition to make a PO.
You following me so far?
So that could take days? Weeks? Months even? Quite possibly. So Harley is freaking out because suddenly he has ‘responsibility’ and ‘work’ to do, all these requisitions piling up in his inbox, if they don’t get sorted he gets shouted at. He thinks I should draft up a PO anyway and save it on the new system (the new other system – oh yes there is more than one). But I can’t because I don’t have a PO number (I have 2 other numbers which are apparently requisition numbers – and the need for 2 is why? – but not a PO number which is an entirely different matter….apparently) I also can’t create the PO on this database which will in turn create a folder on the other system which I could put any documents into. Hmmmm, well save it on the old system and then move it on to the new system when you can? Er no. Why? Because that will make it even more monumentally fucking complicated that it already is!!! He insists so I say ok and when he walks off me and Gunner agree not to do anything.
But hang on says Moody, I created a PO this morning without any vendor information why can’t you? Good point, lets try. But wait I don’t have the same options as you on my screen, where is the PO button…..?? What’s that? I’m not set up to have the right access rights to do this? And I have to email the help desk who will open up a new call and then think about giving me access rights but might have to ask Harley for permission to do this and then……
………head explodes over computer monitor, desk and fellow colleagues.
So now I am sat here, unable to do anything. Ah the joy of new technology. Don’t worry I won’t lose any sleep over it tonight.
Monday, 13 September 2010
I was chosen to receive this novena
Mr Isobor is back and this time he’s giving me religious advice. He seems to have taken the day off from his threatening SHOUTY emails regarding spa’s and spot buys and decided to send me one of those spam emails telling me to forward it to 3,461 people in 20 seconds or I will die. Me and about 50 other people on his work email distribution list. Seriously, I don’t make this shit up. Clearly he thought this was an important message that everyone should read and he may have also been concerned that unless he didn’t send it to as many people as possible his dog might explode or his dick fall off.
This is the message:
This is the message:
Email Subject: Look at the picture closely
Look at this closely:
The President of Argentina received this picture and called it "junk mail", 8 days later his son died. A man received this picture & immediately sent out copies…his surprise was winning the lottery. Alberto Martinez received this picture, gave it to his secretary to make copies but they forgot to distribute: She lost her job & he lost his family. This picture is miraculous & sacred.
You were chosen to receive this novena.
The moment you receive it, say :
Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
GOD WANTED ME TO TELL YOU, It shall be well with you this coming year.
No matter how much your enemies try this year, they will not succeed.
You have been destined to make it and you shall surely achieve all your goals this year.
For all of 2010, all your agonies will be diverted and victory and prosperity will be incoming in abundance. Today God has confirmed the end of your sufferings, sorrows and pain because HE that sits on the throne has remembered you He has taken away the hardships and given you JOY. He will never let you down...
I knocked at heaven's door this morning, God asked me. My child! What can I do for you? And I said,
'Father, please protect and bless the person reading this message... '
This is a Novena from Mother Theresa that started in 1952.
It has never been broken. Within 48 hours send 20 copies (Or as many as you can - God does know if you don't have 20 people to send it to. It's the effort and intent that counts.) To family and friends.
This is a powerful Novena. Couldn't hurt. Can only help.
Please do not break it.
><>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <>< <><
"All that's needed for evil to prevail is for good people to do nothing!" Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with Good.'' Rom 12:21
Unfortunately I didn’t check the database inbox for a week and a half after he sent this so I think that means I am doomed. I’m not sure how poor old Alberto Martinez lost his family, bit absent minded of him really. I guess I’ll have to try and achieve my goals without the help of Mother Theresa.
Friday, 10 September 2010
Father Wogan
A full report on last nights activities as promised….
The team meeting was, as expected, dull and boring and much of it over my head. The clock in the meeting room was also broken and said 4.33pm the whole time we were in there which was like water torture. But it was done by about 5.45pm so at least we were only in there just over an hour.
The free drinks and food afterwards was a much more agreeable affair. I did eat far too much though and was actually in physical pain after finishing my dessert! But the dessert was so good it would have been an offence to the food gods to leave it on my plate. Fact. I also managed to polish off a bottle and a half of a very nice Sauvignon Blanc and had 3 baby Guinness shots with Gunner (it’s Tia Maria with Bailey’s floating on top which gives it the effect of looking like a tiny pint of Guinness – goes down very well, perhaps too well). So I made full use of the freebies of course. Gunner was on about doing a 4th shot at about 10.30pm and my belly was close to exploding so I decided to make my exit at that point. Probably for the best that I did as Gunner was looking more than worse for wear this morning and didn’t get home until 1am!
Freaker, aside from being disappointed there wasn’t some sports based activity he could try and beat me at (I emphasise the word ‘try’) was actually on good form for the evening. This morning he was relaying the story of getting Moon Monkey home last night to us. It took him ages to get the Moon Man out of the pub and then he was stuck with him at the hotel bar for ages. He said he was like some incoherent rambling Irish old man, he compared him to a mix of Father Ted and Terry Wogan, and so this morning we re-named him Father Wogan.
During the course of the evening I discovered some snippets of information including the fact that I am apparently headed towards working more with IS. Really? News to me, thanks for passing that on, it’s always good to know what my job is actually meant to involve. I do a lot of work for IS at the moment. I’m not sure what capacity I would be working with them in, he wasn’t drunk enough to elaborate. We were told in the team meeting that soon we would all be getting personal development plans and objectives set and by Jan everyone’s roles would be changing so perhaps it will become clearer at some stage. Perhaps. I won’t hold my breath.
Gunner (who has recently returned from Dublin on a work based trip) was trying to lay the grounding to get a trip to the Cape Town office and was doing quite well. So well in fact that Father Wogan hinted at other people possibly going – including me! How cool would that be?! I’m definitely not getting my hopes up or going on the word of a drunken Irish monkey but you never know eh?
Oh and we also met Mrs Moon Monkey and baby Moon Monkey. Baby has the misfortune of looking a bit like her father (I think it’s the pudgy baby cheeks) and the Mrs did drop a few hints about never seeing her husband because he’s always away on business. I’m surprised the baby actually recognised him. Mrs MM was very nice though, I didn’t speak to her much as most of the conversation was revolving around babies which I am not interested in and neither did I want to hold the dribbling fattie (as cute as she was). She made a sharp exit before the meal anyways.
So a fairly informative and enjoyable evening. No fisty cuffs and no one fell in the river or disappeared for 24 hours so I think that means a successful evening. We were definitely more reserved than the leaving party for some top bod in the company. Been getting bits of gossip through the company grapevine which include people getting home at 3.30am, some people not managing to get to bed, partying the night away in an 80’s club in the city and my favourite so far – one of the receptionist getting a member of the senior management team in a headlock and ruffling up his hair Benny Hill style. Classic.
I just went to make my lunch and noticed one of the posters they have put up about this new database (the one we have going live on Monday that everyone is dreading) has been vandalised in a rather amusing fashion. It says “Maximo is coming to town…” and has a bunch of giraffes on it (not sure why) and someone has put a speech bubble next to one saying “Oh no!” he he. Gunner reckons there will be a cock drawn on there by the end of the day.
Glad to see that juvenile behaviour is alive and well in the company.
The team meeting was, as expected, dull and boring and much of it over my head. The clock in the meeting room was also broken and said 4.33pm the whole time we were in there which was like water torture. But it was done by about 5.45pm so at least we were only in there just over an hour.
The free drinks and food afterwards was a much more agreeable affair. I did eat far too much though and was actually in physical pain after finishing my dessert! But the dessert was so good it would have been an offence to the food gods to leave it on my plate. Fact. I also managed to polish off a bottle and a half of a very nice Sauvignon Blanc and had 3 baby Guinness shots with Gunner (it’s Tia Maria with Bailey’s floating on top which gives it the effect of looking like a tiny pint of Guinness – goes down very well, perhaps too well). So I made full use of the freebies of course. Gunner was on about doing a 4th shot at about 10.30pm and my belly was close to exploding so I decided to make my exit at that point. Probably for the best that I did as Gunner was looking more than worse for wear this morning and didn’t get home until 1am!
Freaker, aside from being disappointed there wasn’t some sports based activity he could try and beat me at (I emphasise the word ‘try’) was actually on good form for the evening. This morning he was relaying the story of getting Moon Monkey home last night to us. It took him ages to get the Moon Man out of the pub and then he was stuck with him at the hotel bar for ages. He said he was like some incoherent rambling Irish old man, he compared him to a mix of Father Ted and Terry Wogan, and so this morning we re-named him Father Wogan.
During the course of the evening I discovered some snippets of information including the fact that I am apparently headed towards working more with IS. Really? News to me, thanks for passing that on, it’s always good to know what my job is actually meant to involve. I do a lot of work for IS at the moment. I’m not sure what capacity I would be working with them in, he wasn’t drunk enough to elaborate. We were told in the team meeting that soon we would all be getting personal development plans and objectives set and by Jan everyone’s roles would be changing so perhaps it will become clearer at some stage. Perhaps. I won’t hold my breath.
Gunner (who has recently returned from Dublin on a work based trip) was trying to lay the grounding to get a trip to the Cape Town office and was doing quite well. So well in fact that Father Wogan hinted at other people possibly going – including me! How cool would that be?! I’m definitely not getting my hopes up or going on the word of a drunken Irish monkey but you never know eh?
Oh and we also met Mrs Moon Monkey and baby Moon Monkey. Baby has the misfortune of looking a bit like her father (I think it’s the pudgy baby cheeks) and the Mrs did drop a few hints about never seeing her husband because he’s always away on business. I’m surprised the baby actually recognised him. Mrs MM was very nice though, I didn’t speak to her much as most of the conversation was revolving around babies which I am not interested in and neither did I want to hold the dribbling fattie (as cute as she was). She made a sharp exit before the meal anyways.
So a fairly informative and enjoyable evening. No fisty cuffs and no one fell in the river or disappeared for 24 hours so I think that means a successful evening. We were definitely more reserved than the leaving party for some top bod in the company. Been getting bits of gossip through the company grapevine which include people getting home at 3.30am, some people not managing to get to bed, partying the night away in an 80’s club in the city and my favourite so far – one of the receptionist getting a member of the senior management team in a headlock and ruffling up his hair Benny Hill style. Classic.
I just went to make my lunch and noticed one of the posters they have put up about this new database (the one we have going live on Monday that everyone is dreading) has been vandalised in a rather amusing fashion. It says “Maximo is coming to town…” and has a bunch of giraffes on it (not sure why) and someone has put a speech bubble next to one saying “Oh no!” he he. Gunner reckons there will be a cock drawn on there by the end of the day.
Glad to see that juvenile behaviour is alive and well in the company.
Thursday, 9 September 2010
It’s SO unfair
Yesterday I had the pleasure of a 2 hour refresher course on that database training (thankfully sans the fucking idiot man who made my life a living hell for 2 ½ days in the windowless room). I fought to stay awake in the hottest room in the building as I realised I remember very little from the main training course and could possibly be drowning somewhat come Monday when we finally go ‘live’ with this tosh. Luckily we will have some ‘super users’ dotted about the place in red t-shirts to help out. Ginger is one of these and not happy at all about the prospect of the t-shirt or having to help us numpties with a system even she is unsure of. She was so wound up yesterday about it she actually used the ‘c’ word on several occasions (very unlike her) including one time in the main lift when a man from a company on the 2nd floor blushed and hurried out the doors.
Anyway during this refresher course we had a prize draw. This was for everyone who had completed a questionnaire sent out to do with the new system. I answered mine, I’m quite sure that 87% of it was wrong as well but hey it’s the taking part that counts. So everyone who had answered got to put their name on a post-it note, chuck it in a paper cup and have the opportunity to win a bottle of vintage champagne. Guess who wins it? The only person in the room who doesn’t drink fucking alcohol that’s who! Flippin’ Andre. Someone suggested that maybe she could give it to her Mum? Oh no her Mum doesn’t drink much because of her tablets. Right – so maybe offer it up to someone else then? At least let me know it’s going to a good home and won’t just end up in the cat charity tombola on Sunday?! So she gave it to Kirstie, who didn’t even come to the refresher training or fill in the questionnaire.
Yes that is the sound of my foot stomping on the floor you can hear.
In other news we have a department meal and drinks tonight. It’s the carrot on a stick to make us all go to this tedious hour and a half team meeting before hand. Where many subjects I have no idea about will be discussed and once again I will try not to fall asleep or simply watch the old dudes fall asleep and then wake up and pretend they never were. Actually that in itself can be quite amusing so there are some minor distractions to be had at least.
The meal is being held at the same pub we had the ill-fated Christmas party a few years back. When IT Geek lost his glasses to a fisty cuff from someone and then got us all kicked out of the pub during a stand up argument over terrorism with another opponent…well we haven’t been back since. Let’s hope we don’t have any repeat performances tonight (none that involve me anyway). Although with Ginger spouting the ‘c’ word, Kirtsie about to have a meltdown and Gunner in talks with HR about going staff there could still be time for fireworks…. If there is anything newsworthy to report back on tomorrow you shall have it in its full un-edited Technicolor glory.
Anyway during this refresher course we had a prize draw. This was for everyone who had completed a questionnaire sent out to do with the new system. I answered mine, I’m quite sure that 87% of it was wrong as well but hey it’s the taking part that counts. So everyone who had answered got to put their name on a post-it note, chuck it in a paper cup and have the opportunity to win a bottle of vintage champagne. Guess who wins it? The only person in the room who doesn’t drink fucking alcohol that’s who! Flippin’ Andre. Someone suggested that maybe she could give it to her Mum? Oh no her Mum doesn’t drink much because of her tablets. Right – so maybe offer it up to someone else then? At least let me know it’s going to a good home and won’t just end up in the cat charity tombola on Sunday?! So she gave it to Kirstie, who didn’t even come to the refresher training or fill in the questionnaire.
Yes that is the sound of my foot stomping on the floor you can hear.
In other news we have a department meal and drinks tonight. It’s the carrot on a stick to make us all go to this tedious hour and a half team meeting before hand. Where many subjects I have no idea about will be discussed and once again I will try not to fall asleep or simply watch the old dudes fall asleep and then wake up and pretend they never were. Actually that in itself can be quite amusing so there are some minor distractions to be had at least.
The meal is being held at the same pub we had the ill-fated Christmas party a few years back. When IT Geek lost his glasses to a fisty cuff from someone and then got us all kicked out of the pub during a stand up argument over terrorism with another opponent…well we haven’t been back since. Let’s hope we don’t have any repeat performances tonight (none that involve me anyway). Although with Ginger spouting the ‘c’ word, Kirtsie about to have a meltdown and Gunner in talks with HR about going staff there could still be time for fireworks…. If there is anything newsworthy to report back on tomorrow you shall have it in its full un-edited Technicolor glory.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
