HAND ME A WOODEN SPOON!

You know when you want to shake someone? When they are whining on about something but doing nothing to help themselves? When anything you suggest ‘won’t work’ or gets shrugged off even though they know it needs to be done? When you feel like shouting at them “FINE, DON’T DO ANYTHING THEN BUT STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT!”?

That is how I am feeling today.

The reason for this is Kirstie. Poor old, put upon Kirstie. Poor old, whiny, moaning Kirstie.

I know she is very stressed because she does a lot around this office and unfortunately for her a lot of this work is for a bunch of toss pots who can’t even wipe their own arses without coming to her first but she don’t half go on about it. AND she could do something about it – but she doesn’t. This is why I want to shout at her.

Some how Kirstie’s roll has developed into becoming Moon Monkey’s PA even though this is not in her contract anywhere and she never asked for it to be. She doesn’t seem to mind this too much though, it means she does stuff she is good at like organising and planning and making pretty complicated spreadsheets and ringing people and putting Moon Monkey in his place. The big drawback is that she still seems to be expected to do her old job as well, in addition, on top of this. Plus because she can be so good at spreadsheets and organising and is the lady in the know she gets a lot of random requests for other things. To put it simply, she is a very busy woman.

She also has a conscience so a lot of the time even though she wants to say “sod this” and leave early or head down the pub she won’t (luckily when it comes to work I am not blighted with this). Kirstie also has the inability to say ‘no’ to people as well. So as you can probably tell all of this ends up with her stressing and ranting and whining about people and bookings and work load.

“Talk to Moon Monkey!” I say. She needs to sort out things like what the heck her job is meant to be and her salary (she’s certainly not being paid a PA’s salary) and if he wants her to be his PA or not and if he does then to change her job title and get rid of all the other shit. “Yeah I know I will talk to him….” says Kirstie, but she doesn’t and I know she won’t. And he’ll let her go on struggling and keep piling on the work because she doesn’t complain and he’s too feckless to notice or care she is stressed.

So we have conversations like the one we had today on a weekly basis.

Kirstie: “Aggghhhhhhhh! For fucks sake!” slams down phone
Me: “Er, you ok?”
Kirstie: “I have had enough! I am so over this place!”
Me: “Too much going on or people pissing you off?”
Kirstie: “Ugh, fucking idiot people changing their minds all the time….rant, rant, rant” this lasts about 10 minutes
Me: “You need to start saying no to people”
Kirstie: “I know but, it needs to be done”
Me: “Well then sit down with Moon Monkey and say ‘either I am your PA and I don’t do this stuff or I do this stuff and am not your PA”
Kirstie: “Well it wouldn’t be a problem if people didn’t keep changing their minds”
Me: “Well they always will, you know that so that won’t change so something else has to”
Kirstie: “Yeah but….excuses, excuses, excuses….” She suddenly finds a taxi receipt on her desk she missed when doing MM expenses “Oh shit, I forgot this! Now I have to go back and do them all again!”
Me: “How much is it for?”
Kirstie: “£10”
Me: “Fuck it, just throw it away, he can afford £10 and he won’t even notice. He earns that just switching on his computer.”
Kirstie: I can see she is tempted but she can’t “oh no, it’s ok, I’ll do it”
Me: “FINE, DON’T DO ANYTHING THEN BUT STOP FUCKING TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT!”

OK so I might not have said that last sentence but I really wanted to.

Now we have reached the point where everything is pissing her off, phone’s ringing (not even hers), photocopiers, pens, her computer, people, paper clips, text messages, hot cups of tea, people walking up to her desk, her calendar not turning properly, I could go on. The whiny voice has also come into play, so it’s a sigh and a “hello…?” as she answers the phone. Jesus, I seem to be sat next to CJ again except Kirstie is actually doing some work.

I have a wooden spoon in my draw I may get out in a moment; it’s the wooden spoon I use to whack her with if she moans too much. I’ve been holding off but I think it’s about time….