Piss up in a brewery? She’d have trouble planning one

Busy few days at the office darling, sorry I haven’t been home for dinner or in time to tuck the kids up in bed – you know how it is. I’m here now though, that’s the important thing.

Bit of a trauma over this residential course I’m going to next week. Yes, next week, it’s snuck up on us hasn’t it? After all of the originally hoo ha over who was going when and we thankfully got rid of CJ (she’s on annual leave this week painting her fence or some other such enthralling activity) I thought it was sorted but it turns out I was very wrong. I shall enlighten you the events of the past 24 hours….

Last week I emailed the girl in HR organising the course for us plebs to attend, I’ll call her Fuckwit (oh how amusing, the word fuckwit doesn’t appear to get spell-checked, anyway I digress…) because that will give you a good idea of her working skills, brain capacity and general personality. I did a first aid course with her earlier this year and let’s just say she doesn’t catch on quickly and I hope I’m never the victim of a work-based accident when she’s around. The girl’s qualified to operate a defibulator for Christ’s sakes! Scary. Fuckwit was asked to put me and Ginger on this course in Dorset back in April. We never got a confirmation for this but she did email me telling me to ‘pencil it in my diary’. Seeing as it wasn’t a booking for a holiday to the Maldives or tickets for Reading Festival I didn’t bother to check any further – no skin off my nose if I don’t go. Ginger and I hear nothing further from Fuckwit or anyone in HR so last week this email I sent was asking her for an itinerary and travel information. Things we probably should have received a while back.

So I wait and Ginger waits and we hear nothing. I try calling Fuckwit but no answer, Ginger sends her an email and still nothing. Ginger emails AGAIN and still nothing and she’s not responding to calls. Yesterday I say to Ginger I’ll give Fuckwit until Thursday and then I’m kicking off. In the afternoon an email arrives:

Dear all

You are now registered to attend the above course, on the 15-17 June. The course starts at 8:30am in Dorset on Tuesday 15th, so I’d recommend travelling down the day before – in the past; attendees have left the office for 3pm, aiming to get to the hotel for dinner.

(Damn, there go my plans for Monday night – thanks for the heads up Fuckwit)

I’ve booked you accommodation at a nearby hotel, but please note that the course will be held at a different venue.

(Er, I’m sorry? Why aren’t we staying at the hotel it’s being held in? WTF?)

Please note that accommodation has been booked for you for three nights, checking in on Monday 14th June, and checking out on Thursday 17th June - we've pre-paid for dinner B&B, but you will need to pay for extra’s (drinks at the bar, newspapers, etc).

(Hotel priced drinks out of my own pocket? Well there goes the piss up unless there’s a Morrisons near by….)

I doubt the hotel will have a cash point nearby,

(or any form of civilisation?)

so if you need cash for any reason, please take some with you.

Taxi’s
The nearest rail station to both venues is Wareham Rail. There isn’t a taxi rank when you arrive at the station, so please pre-book taxi’s using the number on the attachment.

(Is that not your job Fuckwit? Hang on, rail station? So you want me to book a train ticket down there now as well? What happened to the cabs we were promised?)

I’ve booked cabs to transport you between the hotel and training venue, on these dates and times (the driver will wait for you just by reception):

· Tuesday – 8am pick up at the Hotel to Training Venue, 6:45pm pick up at the Training Venue to the Hotel
· Wednesday - 8am pick up at the Hotel to Training Venue, 6pm pick up at the Training Venue to the Hotel
· Thursday - 8am pick up at the Hotel to Training Venue, 3pm pick up at the Training Venue to Wareham Rail

(8am cabs?! How far away is this hotel from the training venue? Are we staying in London?!)

Joining Instructions
The course provider has sent through the attached joining instructions. Given the daily field trips, I wanted to highlight that the dress code is definitely casual. Please read the joining instructions!

(Which she clearly didn’t as they contradict everything in this email)

Any questions let me know. I’m passing on my personal mobile number – just in case you need to get hold of me.

(Or maybe send threatening text messages?)

Thanks, and have fun.

Fuckwit


Right then, lets regroup here. We’re staying a different hotel, where’s that then? Oh look it’s in Swanage 11 miles away. And why are we staying in a hotel 11 miles away when the course provider has very kindly given the names and numbers of many hotels within a 2 mile radius of the training venue? Because apparently Fuckwit forgot all about this course until my email arrived in her inbox last week and has been flying around trying to book accommodation because the training venue and all those other hotels are booked up (I have an inside contact in HR who is also coming to Dorset). Great, slow hand clap for her then.

In the attachment from the course provider they also mention a meal for all the delegates on the Wednesday night yet Fuckwit has us being ferried back to Swanage a 6pm. We’re not allowed to go then are we? And why does this attachment say we start at 9am not 8.30am? And finish at 4pm on Thursday and not 3pm? Time for an email again….

Now all of this I can kind of deal with, it’s not the end of the world after all. It’s annoying and unorganised and knowing that it’s only because Fuckwit wasn’t doing her job irritates the shit out of me but there we are, at least we’re in a nice hotel on the beach (although it does look as though the rest of the guests staying there will be 65+ and having cream teas on deckchairs). But what I am really not happy about is having to book a train ticket less than a week before we go. After a quick search on the web I discover this will set me back £100+ Money I would eventually get back on expenses but money I don’t have in my pocket to fork out in the first place. I am now ranting at Ginger about this who agrees whole heartedly having just bought a house that it’s cash she doesn’t have.

Luckily Kirstie overhears all this and asks if I want her to find out how much a cab is. Sure, why not? There are 4 of us going so as long as it’s close to £400 return then it’s still ok right? She comes back to me with a quote of £275 each way, shit. But Kirstie isn’t done so she has the receptionist put it to the head of facilities. Meanwhile I’m emailing my inside contact in HR and she responds with “ooh the head of facilities has just dragged Fuckwit into a meeting room”.

10 minutes later we get this email:

Hi all – apologies for all the emails.

I’ve now booked a car for you for the journey to and from Dorset which will collect you from in front of the office at 3pm on Monday and drop you back here on Thursday after the course is finished.

This car has been pre-paid for the journey.

Thanks

Fuckwit


Seems like Kirstie’s cab enquiry has got back to the big bosses and they have asked Fuckwit why travel hasn’t been arranged in advance. In other words she’s got a bollocking and had to arrange a return cab journey for us 4 for £550 – ouch! Too feckin’ right, dopey cow – what did she expect?

I plan to get down there, find out the actual times for the course, where this evening meal is being held and re-arrange all the cab bookings to suit. I’m also going to take full advantage of the free health club and gym in our hotel and drink as much free wine as is possible during the evening meals (and breakfast if it’s on offer). I also plan to take my laptop (wi-fi available for a modest charge according to the website) so I shall try to keep you updated on the days events and our various cab journeys, pending my alcoholic state each evening.

What’s the betting we turn up Monday night, aren’t booked in at the hotel and have to sleep on the beach?