Arse Shelf

The office is unusually quiet today, morgue like in fact. You know when the sound of your typing on the keyboard becomes deafening and you get all self conscious about it? The quietness often lends itself to the day dragging and today is no exception with the clock appearing to move backwards. I have tried Facebook, personal emails, listening to my i-pod, having a cup of tea just so I can dunk my digestives in it, texting everyone I know and even re-organising my desk draws. Still the clock doesn’t seem to move.

Of course there is work to be done and unfortunately due to the lack of response on emails, texts and the book of face I am being forced to do some. Today’s tedious task of choice is data entry, trawling through hundreds of forwarded emails from potential suppliers. Joy. I have a bachelors degree you know.

So now you see why all these zany freaks I work with keep me going through the day. I may bitch and moan about CJ but at least it’s a distraction. Today even she has deserted me (actually it’s been a nice intermission in the gaking and sighing) and sat at the other end of the room due to her laptop still being buggered through water damage. I even missed a conversation earlier where apparently she kept on using the words “sex” and “tits” in some kind of corporate manner. Damn.

One person who does seem to be making a lot of noise generally is a guy who will soon be leaving us as he quit last month. He is about 5’ 4” tall, roughly that wide and has the biggest arse on a man I have ever seen in my life. A ladybum, that’s what it is – a huge shelf of a ladybum. Seriously, I could perch my coffee on there. His size means he also has trouble walking and sometimes sits at his desk wheezing, sounding like he is about to pass out. This concerns me because I am the closest qualified first aider and I would have to give CPR…..shudder. He also has these dodgy eyes that go in different directions and you never know which one to look at when talking to him. He’s Welsh so the whining is quite high pitched because of his accent and incredibly camp even though he is married (yes there is hope for us all!). Not really blessed in the looks department all in all.

Ladybum can be a bit of a perv and he can be a bit of a pessimist. If you ever get into a conversation with him then it’s either him perving over you or having a good old bitch about someone. Currently his main topic of bitch is Moon Monkey as he is the reason Ladybum has quit. He doesn’t like the direction the departments going in and is fed up with Moon Monkey. Aren’t we all? People are openly avoiding him so not to be dragged under the black cloud he currently sits and all his phone calls are all taken in the same manner,

“Oh hello David…..yes I suppose you’ve heard the news?......Well I’ve just had enough….”

And so it goes on. He’s also unable to talk at a normal volume on the phone so I think the people in finance at the other end of the building know all about his plumber, accountant and gay nephews living arrangements. I can’t say I’ll miss him and the phone calls, if anything his ring tone is incredibly irritating and you just know he’s going to end up shouting at someone.

There also appears to be a big meeting going on in one of the rooms down the corridor which could be the reasoning for the quietness. None of us plebs here knew what it was for and it seems to include our entire management team so we looked it up in the meetings diary:

Wednesday 3rd February
9am – 4.30pm
A very important meeting for lots of people. Lunch for 40.

Clear as mud then.