Normals need not apply

I have been sat here today wondering why anyone would want to work here. Aside from the perks of the job such as Friday pub time and no one caring what hours you keep of course. My department is so dull and I ended up here purely by accident in a ‘drive by temping’ so I just puzzle over the people who actually applied to work here and went through the interview process and everything.

Looking around it also makes you consider what the interview process must have been like to employ these people. I mean Andre alone is freaky even before she opens her mouth and god only knows what medieval get up she wore to her interview. She must have really talked the talk and managed to omit any Hobbit or Dr Who references throughout (quite a feat) in order to fool them into employing her. Maybe everyone else they saw was monumentally shit, as faced with that versus a normal with the same skills set I think I’d be sending out a rejection letter to 21 Bamblebrook Place, The Shire.

I guess many an employer has made the mistake of employing a nut job and regretted it eternally afterwards. Half an hour isn’t really enough time to gauge whether this person has any underlying freak tendencies or eats with their mouth open and we all lie at least a little bit when under fire in those situations don’t we? Plus there’s equal opportunities and we mustn’t discriminate against height, abnormally large man arses, abnormally large moon faces or a penchant for extra marital affairs must we?

So then I start to think maybe that was the plan, maybe they wanted to employ as many freaks and weirdo’s as they could and fill the department with them? We are the only department in this company that has this reputation and that goes internationally as well. The old boss who had the mental breakdown is mainly to blame as he took on most of the people here – hmmmm, maybe there’s the answer. I reckon there was a pre-requisite questionnaire that had to be completed by all staff:

Name:
Name you go by in 3rd Life:
Name you go by in Warcraft:
Name you told the girl in that bar last night:

Age:
Your real/human age:

Do you have any distinguishing features? E.g. Large body parts, freaky or abnormal hands, excessive facial hair etc.

Languages (real or fictitious) spoken:

How would you describe your general health?
a) Good, I exercise daily and eat a balanced diet
b) Fair, I am overweight and prefer to eat only kitkats, crisps, coke and animals killed by a crossbow but I do walk to work with a staff I got from Gandalf.
c) Bad, I have the biggest man arse in the world and have breathing difficulties after walking from the photocopier to my desk.

Aptitude tests:

If handed a banana to eat would you:
a) Peel it, take a bite, chew it quietly with your mouth shut, swallow it.
b) Offer it to the man sitting next to you EVERY TIME, peel it, take a bite, eat with your mouth open while you bang your teeth together and then have a full conversation with someone with the banana still in your mouth.
c) Refuse the banana as it may contain additives and wasn’t killed by a crossbow.

While working on a document are you most likely to:
a) Read it quietly, refer to colleagues for advice and submit it on time.
b) Read it out loud, talk to yourself continuously and laugh in a disconcerting manner at work emails then bitch about it all to everyone who will listen.
c) Read it quietly, work on it, save it to some unknown place on your computer, then be unable to find it, blame the computer, then find it and discover you have done it all wrong anyway because you were thinking about Orcs too much.

During a phone conversation are you likely to repeat any of the following words a ridiculous amount of times:
‘Yeah’, ‘Wooooow’, ‘Mmmmmm’, ‘Darling’, ‘Yeah’, ‘Absolutely’ (please delete as applicable)

We have a strict dress code which adopts professional and smart attire, however on Fridays we have a ‘dress down’ policy. Would you have an issue with this?
Yes
No
Can I wear my battle armour on the Friday?

Finally please list your personal hobbies and out of work activities, if you run out of room please use the additional freak sheet attached to this form.


If they fill out all the sections and score above 80% on the freak factor then they’re in! I have drawn the conclusion that this could be the only way they could have been allowed to enter the building, let alone the company. I snuck in as they originally only thought I would be here for 6 weeks (sigh, so did I) and felt the need to weigh up the ‘normal / not so normal’ quota. People would get suspicious otherwise.