What’s that smell?

We’ve got a bad penny in the office, she keeps turning up, and always just as you think you’ve got rid of her for good. She already has a nick name so I don’t even have to make one up, it’s FB which was originally short for French Bint and now Fucking Bitch. She’s well liked by everyone as you’ll have guessed. As far as I can tell the only person who actually likes her or at least will talk to her is Ladybum and that’s probably only so he can have a good hug and a perv when she comes back into the office.

FB was here when I arrived on my temping contract and I had little to do with her until she was shipped off to another office abroad for a couple of months. She returned and it soon became apparent from all of the comments flying about that she had managed to piss a lot of people off in the company. FB is about 5’ 3’’ has masses of uncontrollable wavy hair that looks like a forest of split ends and dresses like a child, I reckon she is in her very early 30’s. She has a penchant for patterned tights, thick soled trainers circa 1996 and dresses with t-shirts underneath. She looks weird.

Employed by the ex manager (Mr Breakdown) in hindsight we see probably not for her work based skills. A couple of people have said how after he interviewed her he wouldn’t stop going on about how amazing she was for weeks – clearly besotted. After a small business trip away together she started boffing him. Married with children is he but this stopped neither of them and soon it became quite evident there was something going on. Plus he confided in SNB so soon it was on the proverbial grapevine.

This place is an utter hive of gossip and so any news like this is devoured and brought up at any available opportunity, usually with new instalments and embezzlements. It’s Friday pub lunch chat for sure. This gossip was to eventually be the beginning of the end for Mr Breakdown but more of that another time.

Because FB had Mr Breakdown with his nuts in her hand both metaphorically and physically she had quite a hold over him (and probably still does, I don’t think it’s any coincidence she is back in the UK around Valentines weekend) and so got away with shed loads. Shat at her job she tends to do her own filing, documents, anything the opposite to how it should be done. She’s always getting things wrong, rubbing people up the wrong way and demanding the impossible. However if you were to dare make a complaint or defy her demands then it is basically the end of the line. Christmas before last ‘redundancies’ started happening in the department with several people who had got on her bad side and since I started 4 people have been sacked or left because of her. 4 people?! She doesn’t have a particularly important or high up job and we also recently discovered her salary was almost twice as much as it should be for some one her age with her experience.

As well as being an uber bitch and spoilt child she has an incredibly irritating manner. She actually says things like “ooh la la!” (no I’m not taking the piss) very loudly in the office and stretches and yawns nosily – “oh I am so tired…”. Its so people like Ladybum ask what’s wrong and to draw attention to herself. It makes me want to walk over and shove a stapler down her throat.

Since the fall of Mr Breakdown she has lost a lot of her slutty power. Moon Monkey has no interest in her or her blow jobs and has little time for her whining (although she’s still trying, as I type she is knelt at his desk talking to him and giving him the eye no doubt – Careful Moon Monkey she’ll turn you to stone!!!) She should have gone the same way as Mr B but all those complaints never got logged so instead they’ve halved her salary and sent her off to another country, far far away to work. HA HA! She wasn’t happy; we could hear across the office from the meeting room she wasn’t happy. I’m surprised she didn’t get violent; I think there’s a charge of GBH in there just waiting to happen if it hasn’t already.

If you’re interested I’ll tell you the story of how it all came to a head (careful…) and Mr Breakdown had his breakdown and FB disappeared from the English shores on a permanent office move. That sounds like Friday writing to me though so until tomorrow.