Lord of the Ringbinders

I have just been having a rather in-depth conversation about guns, firearms and battlefield weaponry. This seemed to somehow follow on from a previous conversation about kitchen bins. I’m not sure how we got there but in her usual manner Andre the Giant who sits behind me managed to saunter in on some inane chat and turn it into a topic of her choice. Andre (so called because of her massiveness in every respect) is very English. I don’t mean this as an insult, she would probably in fact take it as a compliment – I also don’t mean she’s some racist bigot, far from it. I mean that everything about her is English and ideally (for her) it is medieval English or anything pre the 1900’s.

Andre is very well spoken, only ever eats home made olde English recipes (that for some reason smell like warmed up road kill), wears robes and coats made by her own person tailor in traditional medieval style, owns a crossbow, a staff and I am pretty sure some firearms too. She will always wear her long blonde hair in plaits and knows everything there is to know about British history, and then some. I’m regularly handed print outs about what particular feast day of the year it is and the meaning behind it and if you happen to mention something with a historical reference in it she’ll pipe up with all the facts and details to it – whether you want them or not.

In contrast Andre is also a massive sci fi / fantasy geek and on her desk where people normally have pictures of their kids, partners or cats she has autographed print outs of the cast from Star Trek and Blake’s 7. She has been to several sci-fi conventions since I started here and to one took 8 changes of costume, including a dragon lady (you have no idea how scary this prospect is without seeing her with your own eyes – stuff of nightmares) outfit. Lord of the Rings is a way of life for her and I have been part of celebrations in the office for Frodo and Bilbo Baggin’s Birthdays (this included 7 courses served throughout the day and a sit down picnic lunch) and the ‘Ring Day’ where we celebrate the destruction of ‘the ring’. That’s right, the one ring that would rule them all. She can also write and speak Elfish and does so when taking minutes in meetings. Oh and she’s also a big fan of sumo wrestling and last year spent 2 weeks annual leave in Japan watching a tournament.

Now as I type I can hear you shouting “FREAK” from your desk/bed/sofa/toilet or wherever you may be reading this. And yes there is no denying it, the lady has certain lifestyle choices that do allocate her into the category of ‘not so normal’. However, you have to admire the woman….well, from afar anyway. In this hobbit loving, pheasant cooking, robe wearing, crossbow shooting, autograph hunting, costume wearing, history quoting lady’s world she is happy! She don’t give a stuff what anyone else thinks and will happily wander up the high street with a long red tunic on over her work clothes and staff in hand. She’ll hand out cakes to celebrate the christening of Gandalf and ignore the whispers and sniggers in the office. As she once said to me “why would I want to live in the real world?” The lady has a point.

Still a massive freak though.