Drunken monkeys and gay cocktails

Apart from the absence of Andre and Saffa, plus the poor turn out in general, last night could probably be classed as a rip roaring success! We had much drunkenness, spanking of the company credit card, bowling hilarity, strange comments and conversations and one person missing (hmm technically not missing as we know where she is but she is definitely missing from the office).

I shall start at the begging as it seems a good a place as any…

We all bundled into taxis at about 5pm with Freaker and Moon Monkey saying they would catch up after a meeting. Come on guys, it’s time to get drunk, screw work! Oh right, you’re management aren’t you? Sorry. Kirstie was not impressed at this as they are infamous for being very late to things, even social occasions. Plus our cabs were running 15 minutes late and we were on a tight schedule so she was getting antsy. I managed to end up in a cab with CJ, who was whittering on about random shit like 3D television and gumph like that. Drive faster!!! Luckily the cab driver got us there in about 17 minutes which was good going and we all headed to the bar for our first cocktail/beer (Gunner had one of each – good man).

This place did some cracking cocktails for about 7 or 8 quid a pop and we weren’t sky at getting stuck in. Funnily enough each one that Gunner ordered came in an incredibly girly glass with the gayest decoration on it “oooh like your umbrella Gunner!” and each one got worse. Maybe someone had had a chat with the bar man. Ginger got into the swing of things rather quickly and was the first to be back up at the bar for another round – this theme carried on all night and I think at one point she was matching my every one drink for two.

We sat down at about 6.20pm to eat. I ended up sat next to CJ AGAIN at the dinner table thanks to Kirstie (yeah I’ll remember that) but luckily it was too loud in the restaurant to hear her gacking and at least I wasn’t sat opposite her looking at her steak being munched away in her gob. For a skinny chick she put away her meal pretty sharpish and I was only half way through my steak as she was finishing off hers. She wasn’t drinking so I asked her why and she said “oh well I’ve been off sick the past few days so…” and trailed off so I left it there. I don’t think we’ll ever know (although if it was a boob job she needs to ask for her money back). Moon Monkey turned up at about 6.30pm and Freaker not until about 6.50pm! Kirstie was handing out evil looks.

Kirstie ordered us all a shot with the meal which was very tasty and (almost) everyone did. Ginger was sat next to me and putting away the cocktails like no one’s business and developing a big potty mouth with it! The ‘f’ word was used in abundance last night and she was flippin’ hilarious. At one point she got into a conversation with MM about grown men crying and why he should cry at least once a week and get in touch with his emotions. It was quite interesting to hear MM say “I’ve been brought up being told that men shouldn’t cry” and it sounds like his entire family isn’t big with the hugs. That actually explains a lot. He’ll probably have a heart attack by the age of 45 so we are going to work it in to his diary:

Tuesday 4th May, 10.35am-10.45am : Make time to cry

All I remember of Ginger last night was her drinking a cocktail or finishing a cocktail and looking for the menu or ordering another cocktail.

After dinner we bowled. If you remember my team was me, MM, Kirstie and the wee Scottish guy (alas no Saffa). Turns out none of them can bowl for shit but this made it all the more funny. Kirstie came last in the over all scores and wee Scottish guy kept on claiming the floor must be at an angle. Moon Monkey got a bit better in the 2nd game but I particularly liked it when he managed to chuck the ball so hard it came out of the gutter, bounced off the wall, back on to the lane and hit down 7 pins!

So comments on my own bowling form? How can I claim that all my team players are shite huh? Well you will be proud to hear I managed to wipe the floor with all the crusties and was indeed crowned top bowler of the evening with the highest scores in both games, out of all three teams! That’s right, bowling queen am I and a trophy now sits on my desk!! 268 points! No idea how I did it (seriously I got 3 strikes in a row, I have never bowled like that in my life!) but it certainly put some of the guys noses out of joint! Freaker was about 30 points behind me and not happy with the fact I was beating him. He keeps on calling me ‘winner’ today and asking if I’ve been shining my trophy. Yes, yes I have ‘loser’. At one point I said to MM “If I get a strike now will you give me a pay rise?” and he said yes with Kirstie agreed to be my witness……….but I didn’t get a strike! Shiiiiiiiiiiiit! The one time I didn’t! Apparently he’s promised me a £1 pay rise for trying. £1 an hour is that? I must have a word with him about that….

Overall I think MM was impressed by my bowling ability, the fact I was also putting away the Moscow Mules like no ones business and my sly bar thieving skills (I’ve got 2 very nice cocktail tankards at home now). Well he must have seen something of the Irish pikey in me that he admired I guess.

Half way through the bowling CJ went off to her hotel (I was too engrossed in the game to bother with the wind up) so that was about 8.30pm. Who knows why she needed to go off and sit in a hotel room all evening on her own rather than sit in a bar with us and watch us bowl and…gasp….socialise. She got in this morning at 9am complaining she was ‘exhausted’ so maybe she actually ditched us to go clubbing in Soho until 5am?

After the bowling most people left but me, MM, Kirstie, Ginger, Gunner Miss JB and Freaker went for another drink for an hour or so. We actually got to see a photo of MM’s offspring (very cute – must get her looks from her mother) and he let his guard down a bit more. He was trying to guess my age at one point and said 25. Er no, try a bit older. He was complaining that everyone in the department had such youthful looks and he didn’t…….no one tried to correct him on this. After the pint there some of us pootled on home but I think MM, Freaker and Miss JB stayed on for a bit.

I think I’ve remembered everything, I don’t seem to have any pockets of memory missing but if I suddenly am hit with a cracking anecdote from last night I’ll be sure to let you know.
And our missing member of staff? Well you can probably guess out of everyone who called in sick this morning can’t you? Ginger has apparently come down with a terrible case of hay fever today. Hay fever? Of course.