Handbags at dawn

I was going through my emails yesterday in an attempt to find something to fill the dying hours of my working day and came across one I had saved because it was damn funny. Not intentionally funny, like a joke or comic banter but funny because it was yet another example of the nut cases I work with and the madness that can go on in this office. Weirdly enough it was sent almost a year to the day last April and was part of a chain bouncing between various people. I’d like to share this email seesaw with you all and in order to do so need to set the scene and give you a bit of background….

So first our stars of said email. We have FB who you already are familiar with, Scary Northern Boss (SNB) who you have met briefly in the Saffa love triangle saga and another lady called……erm…..Diva, which I think the nick name for is self explanatory. Diva used to work in this department, then she went off to work in HR and then she left earlier this year after they wanted to cut her salary. Complete Diva exit, causing chaos and trouble wherever she could and thought a lot of herself. Ran off talking about starting her own company or going travelling and is probably in fact now working in Pound Land in Croydon.

So, Diva was completely inept at most things, fucked up everything she dealt with and was generally known round here as a pain in the arse. FB is a lazy bitch who never does anything the way she is meant to, ignores protocol and gives 2 fingers up to everyone when they complain. You’d think they’d get on like a house on fire but in fact they loathed each other. This tended to come across in business matters as well and Diva would often avoid contacting FB if she could and FB would complain loudly about Diva’s retardedness. SNB would often be caught in the middle of this all for various reasons and as you know she didn’t suffer fools gladly so she often put her size 11 foot down.

The emails that follow all started because Diva got a bee in her bonnet about not being told about a new starter with the company. For some reason I got cc’d in along the way, I’m not sure why but I’m glad I was! I’ve pasted them in so you start reading from the top down…..enjoy.


From: Diva
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:00
To: SNB; FB; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

Dear All,

It was requested that I was informed of all new starters. Please if possible could we maintain this visibility, I am unable to track accurate contractor information without knowing who is working for us.

Thanking you in advance.


Kind Regards,

Diva


From: FB
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:25
To: SNB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

Hi Diva,

Apologies for the confusion here.

A document landed on my desk and I processed it. There was no indication or whatsoever that I should have copied you in.

It may have been requested that you are “informed of all new starters” but to be honest, I have no idea about what falls within the remits of your work.

If our department is processing WOs, what is it that you are actually doing? This is all rather nebulous.

Would it be unreasonable to ask you to enlighten me and clearly define the parameters of your role with regards to our department matters in order to allow me to identify items which are of concern to you in the future?

I am more than happy to comply with your request below and clarity on my side would be just as welcome as visibility on your side.

Thank you.

Regards,

FB


From: Diva
Sent: 15 April 2009 15:34
To: SNB; FB; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter

FB,

I am more than happy to discuss parameters with you to avoid any further complication.

I am available tomorrow, so will schedule a time to discuss.

SNB,

I would very much appreciate your attending this conversation to make sure all is aligned.


Kind Regards,

Diva


From: FB
Sent: 15 April 2009 16:00
To: SNB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter


Diva,

Not sure about what you mean by further complication and I would certainly not expect 3 people (you, SNB and I) to monopolize time for this “conversation”.

I did not request for a discussion of parameters. I asked you what your job was and how it interacts with our department as I would ask anybody else in this building.

I am pretty sure you could have put this in a nutshell through an email which would have been more than sufficient.

I don’t have spare time to attend an unnecessary meeting but I now know that I should copy you in with regards to all personnel / contractors etc. which is good enough for me.

I shall survive without knowing the rest of your job spec.

Thank you.

Regards,
FB


From: SNB
Sent: 15 April 2009 16:05
To: FB; Diva; Nancy Clueless
Subject: New Starter


ENOUGH!!!!!!

Best Regards

SNB