Forecast

Temp is sat at her desk as I return from swearing at the photocopier for 15minutes. The time is 9.16am and she has been sat at her desk approximately 4 minutes. I have said good morning to her.

Temp: “So Nancy do you think it will snow NOW on Sunday?”

Nancy: “Why?”

Temp: “Because look how cold it is!”

Nancy: “I still don’t think it’s cold enough, what is it? 5 degrees out there?”

Temp: Looks at BBC Weather “Er yeah but it’s going to get colder by the weekend – Friday it’s like 1 degree!”

Nancy: “I dunno, maybe then.”

Temp: Looks at me with the injured expression of a child who has had her Smarties confiscated “But it could snow couldn’t it?”

Nancy: “I don’t know, I’m not fucking Michael Fish am I?!”

Temp: “Er who is Michael Fish?”

Nancy: “What? Oh jesus, never mind. I’m not a bloody weather man, check the web.”

Temp: “I have”

Nancy: “And does it say it’s going to snow?”

Temp: “Well it says ‘White Cloud’”

Nancy: “So it’s not going to then, according to the weather forecast.”

By now I might even be persuaded it would snow but I’m not going to tell her that because it’s much more entertaining to let her think it might not.

Nancy: “Anyway just because its cold doesn’t mean it will snow – you need precipitation don’t you?”

Temp: “Eh?”

Nancy: “You need clouds for a start and then it might snow. Snow clouds are normally a funny colour, you can tell by the look of them. And at the moment (points out window) it is bright sunshine and no clouds so currently there will be no snow.”

Temp: “But it might by the weekend?!”

Nancy: “I DON’T KNOW! I AM NOT WORKING AT THE MET OFFICE OR A FORMING NIMBOSTRATUS CLOUD!”

Temp: “But I really REALLY want it to snow! I’ve never seen it snow before!”

Nancy: “Well I don’t, it’s pretty for 5 minutes and then just a pain in the arse in this country. Last year it caused no end of chaos.”

Temp: “Awww, come on, you must like snow? Man I am going to be SOOOOO EXCITED if it snows! That would be awesome!”

Nancy: “Yeah well as long as it snows when I am out of the country at Christmas.”

Temp: “What? You’re going to the country this weekend?”

Nancy: Sigh. “No I said as long as it snows when I am out of the country at Christmas. Then I can sit indoors and eat and drink and not care about it. Anyway it’ll snow when you are in Germany at Christmas – it’ll be feckin’ freezing over there, take some layers.”

Temp: “WILL IT REALLY?!!”

Nancy: “Yeah check the weather for Munich and leave me the fuck alone.”

Temp: “What?”

Nancy: “I said check the weather in Munich and leave as soon as you can and get out of my face.”

Temp: “Eh?”

Nancy: “I said check the weather in Munich and….oh just check the weather.” Slams head repeatedly on desk until passes out.