Can I have cream with my P45 please?

This morning the department were treated to an ‘informal team meeting’ in Starbucks. Free coffees and pastries all round. So who’s getting fired then?

It was a good opportunity to survey the band of freaks, geeks and pyscho’s I work with as I sat sipping my latte and pretending to be interested in the conversation going on around me.

There was CJ spraying pieces of pain au chocolate all over the poor Saffa girl, who politely smiled and listened while she no doubt was horrified by the spectacle going on in front of her and wishing she had a wetwipe. Me and one of the other ‘normals’ sat and watched in fascination as CJ stored the food in her cheek like a hamster while she talked.

Andre was panicking about her lack of fruit toast, “Where’s my fruit toast?! I ordered fruit toast!!” I’m actually surprised she ate or drank anything in there as it hadn’t been shot, trapped or slow roasted over cow dung.

Poor old Kirstie Allsopp (we shall call her thus due to her complete obsession with her home and doing it up – she is also a (nearly) ‘normal’) was having to dish out drinks and as everyone ignored her shouts of “Chai Latte!” and “Skinny Mochachino!”. I would have got up to help but just couldn’t be arsed.

The big boss, Moon Monkey (long story but the nickname has developed over many months and does have some reference to his massive moon face) attempted to make a few announcements about staffing and what-not but it was hard to hear him over the easy listening jazz pumping out the speakers around us. He also finally said “thank you” for the champagne and card we gave to congratulate him on the birth of his first child. We still have no idea what it’s called, we know it’s a ‘she’ and that’s about it. He’s not the most open and chatty man, when he disappeared out of the office and they announced his wife had gone into labour we didn’t even know he was married. He’s promised photo’s. I hope for his wife’s sake it doesn’t have his facial features.

On returning to the office CJ promptly spilt a glass of water all over her desk and killed her laptop. The IT guy was not impressed and borrowed my 2 tins of spaghetti hoops to prop it up over a vent in order to dry it out. The bonus is that she has had to move desks (did she break the PC as well?!). One of her favourite words she says a lot is ‘darling’ and so this was used profusely as she was mopping up.

“Oh no, I’ve spilt water over my darling laptop, I was too engrossed in this darling requisition”

It’s like the set of Ab Fab but without the champagne or laughter.