Drama, drama, drama

One thing I always try to do at work (especially with this place) is to keep my personal life just that. I don't want these people to know about the fine details of my existence outside this freak show and am quite happy to know as little about theirs as well as on the whole it can be disturbing (but then what would you have to write about Nancy? Good point). I'm not secretive to the point of suspicion and when asked will happily discuss my weekend but you reign in on some of the particulars don't you? For example "a few drink on Friday night" rather than "got hammered with my mates, can't remember much of the evening but got in at 5am and woke up on the bathroom floor clutching a bag of chips - do you want to see the photo's on Facebook?" I'm also not big on the talking about your relationship thing at work unlike a lot of my colleagues - again with the work/private life separation. But hey, each to their own.

Last year, one of the girls in our department happened to go to the other extreme and managed to drag her entire personal life into the office and also involve members of staff in the process. For me, as a happy bystander, it was actually quite entertaining as this car crash unravelled in front of us. For my boss at the time however it was not and she ended somehow caught up in a sapphic love triangle with a phone call from Thames Valley Police.

I'll try to keep it brief but there are so many twists and turns you'll have to excuse me if I wander.

Lets call this lady Saffa (yes, she's the poor South African getting pastry spat over her by CJ at Starbucks the other morning), and Saffa is in her early 30's and married to an English lady in her 40's who we will call Jane. Saffa and Jane had been going out for 2 years before they were married and brought a place together soon after. If you ask around the office, the general opinion is that Jane was more keen than Saffa to marry so soon and it was all a bit too much to quick for her. If I am ever to ask Saffa how her weekend was the general response is something to do with Homebase or a dinner party or the cats or 'not much really', so not the most exhilarating personal life (unless she is taking a similar stance to me and has in fact been out pole dancing, taking coke and having threesomes - not necessarily in that order).

So some time last year Friday comes around one week and no sign of Saffa. Lunch time rolls round and in she rocks, "sorry I'm late" no explanation, no one really raises an eye lid as no one ever gives that much of a fuck. Friday goes, weekend's over before it's started and we're back at work on Monday. But no Saffa. Lunch time rolls around but still no Saffa. My previous boss, a fairly scary large northern woman who you would not want to piss off is starting to get a bit concerned and so tries Saffa's mobile. It's turned off so she tries to find a home number but we don't have one. Leaves a few messages and hopes for the best. Monday thankfully comes to a close and I run from the building. Tuesday. Still no Saffa.

Back then were the days where I was still a dedicated smoker and so would often be summoned to the car park by scary northern boss for a fag. The benefit of these was that I would also be able to catch up with any gossip as this lady had her ear to the ground. Turns out she's had some strange phone calls that morning.

"Hello can I speak to Saffa please?"
"She's not in the office - is that Jane?"
Person hangs up.

SNB informs me that she thinks it was 'the other woman' - this is news to me and so I delve for more information.

Story goes that Saffa has discovered an old work colleague on Face Book who she used to fancy the pants off but decided wasn't gay and so didn't pursue it. Seems her gaydar was all off that day and she is in fact a lesbanana. They get chatting, meet up, hook up and therein follows a 5 month affair. So where was she Friday morning? Sleeping because she'd been up all Thursday night doing the no pants dance with this lady.

Fag break number 2:

Some further phone calls. Another one from 'the other woman' asking if SNB knows where Saffa is as she can't get hold of her and is concerned. She's crying and apologising and SNB is thinking "christ get off the phone and leave me alone!" She asks for SNB's mobile number and gets the correct response of 'fuck off' and so leaves hers in case we hear anything. Call number 2 was from the wife Jane, also concerned about Saffa's whereabouts but not crying. Apparently on Monday morning 'the other woman' turned up on their door step demanding to see Saffa. Saffa says "I'm going to sort this out" - fair enough, a chat in the car, perhaps a coffee somewhere? Nope, they drive off and Saffa doesn't return until the next morning! Now I'm no Sherlock Holmes but it doesn't take too many brain cells to figure out what they've been up to and I'm thinking it doesn't involve much talking.

Fag break number 3:

She's had them both on the phone again, heart to hearts going on, tears, advice.... Jane has decided to forgive Saffa and take her back, 'the other woman' just "wants her to be happy".

Fag break number 4 (actually I've stopped smoking at this point and am just going outside for the updates):

Saffa's been found, she's in a hotel somewhere probably drinking the mini bar dry in some melodramatic fashion and Jane's off to pick her up. SNB says if she could ask Saffa to perhaps call her to explain her 2 days absence from work she'd really appreciate it. Seems she has lost all patience now and I can't say I blame her.

Fag break number 5:

There's been a phone call from the police. SNB cacked herself and thought she'd run a red light or something but they're following up leads on a missing Saffa case it turns out. Both women had filed missing persons reports - again with the melodrama. The police man seems to be confused.

"So I have spoken to Jane - which one is that?"
"That's her wife"
"OK, I'm a bit confused"
"You're confused?!"
"This is such a waste of police time"
"You know they've found her now"
"Have they?!"

Conclusion to this dramatic tale was that Jane took Saffa back, Saffa sent a very apologetic email to SNB as she hadn't the guts to call her, SNB spent most of Tuesday threatening to sack Saffa, Saffa came back into work on the Wednesday looking very sheepish, meeting with SNB resulted in no sacking somehow and nothing more was said....

By this point the entire office knew all the details of what had been going on and Saffa's personal life had been hung out for all and sundry to have a gawp at. Of course no one says anything to her face but you don't forget something like that do you? "Ah Saffa, isn't she the one in your department who had that affair?"

No idea what happened to 'the other woman', maybe she stopped crying eventually and found a new love of her life. I know she asked SNB out for a drink but I'm pretty sure that was not so politely refused.